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AD88AM

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About AD88AM

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    This world is but a canvas to our imagination.

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  1. I'm going through the exact same thing. I hear my neighbours and their family constantly discuss me, my social benefits, things like that. Not only that but they bring all this other stuff up to each other - and I'm thinking "how on earth can they know these things." Anyway, I am extremely anxious/paranoid all the time, and it scares me. I'm trying to work out whether or not the mind can actually warp/distort what people say, when you're mind is paranoid it's on overload.
  2. You have summed it up quite perfectly well for me "ReverseThePolarity"... I am so caught up on my own self thinking, that my mind possibly reflects it onto the world, via not being able to contain so much within myself... and my senses make it so - I believe inner demons are capable of grasping your own reality and can toy with it.
  3. Mellifluous - There "is" a sense of insight, only it's a clouded paranoiac type of insight. Let's say you have some insight, but it's a blurred, distorted sort of insight, and so your judgement is shrouded somewhat by your thought process... (condensation on a window... you know what's outside, but you don't see it for what it really is) whether that makes sense...? I may have "some" insight, yet it's a total blur to me, I can't quite trust the insight. Regarding the "hindsight bias" - I have become accustomed to expect that people will speak negative of me, based on past experience - so my mind has developed "that" type of awareness in the development of my mind. So I think I understand what you're saying... if not, please correct me. I think the mind can be foggy, so it's hard to find your way around, so you try and see something for what it is, only that foggy shroud distorts your perception of it somewhat.
  4. I'm glad that you've gradually built that frame of mind where you've learned not to particularly care, even though it's taken years of therapy - I mean, it's a journey, it's persistent, but there's some progression in the process... it's just good that you're managing it to an extent, and performing on stage sounds really amazing. Personally, I write, so yeah that acts as a form of escapism, keeps me going and it does build a sense of self-esteem within myself... I think it's essential to have a passion for something. Sometimes I do have moments where I feel that it really is no big deal what people say or think (rare moments)... but yeah, when I'm most anxious (which is most of the time), the barrier slips. I went to see my pdoc on Friday, felt very anxious and couldn't really explain myself properly... I'm seeing him again in February, he seems concerned... next time I'm going to really speak my mind. Happy holidays, by the way.
  5. CookieN - I've started to simply write down the initial situation; I think making it more physical on paper allows that situation to be more grounded and not susceptible to a flow of an imagination fuelled by the anxiety and paranoia (which seem to have damaged my thought process). So that acts as my reality check I guess, just getting it down on paper. Thanks for your response. ReverseThePolarity - I totally understand, and the a) and b) points you make seem to sum up levels of trust with people. It seems being too caught up in the mind can shut us off from the world, making it harder to see past our constant need to reflect, and we become cornered. Another thing is, I think self-esteem plays a part too, I know if I was more confident in myself, I think I wouldn't give much of a crap about what they thought or said... I mean a lot of critical people seem to have an inflated ego which helps them rise a little... if we work on self-esteem perhaps we can just rise above them.
  6. Hi, I didn't quite know what to call the topic, but here it goes... Basically, I dwell on everything, I'm very paranoid and anxious about what people do or say in a situation; I always think they're discussing me and being critical. With a lot of the things, when I come to reflect on them, I try and work them out but my reflection ends up becoming more fabricated by my thought process... my thoughts and memory become exaggerated, so I end up straying away from the initial experience - which could have been something so simple - it ends up becoming this whole complex and negative thing going on in my mind, and it just convinces me that other things were said and done by people. It's easy to get so caught up in it all that it takes on a life of it's own within my head. Hope to hear from you.
  7. Hey guys - just to add that my paranoia makes the voices worse, both in and out of my head... but then again, I don't even know what to believe - I'll hear conversations going on outside, and feeling paranoid just seems to make what they're saying sound like they're talking bad about me... but then again, maybe they are actually saying such bad things about me.
  8. I hear different types of voices in my head, particularly as I'm trying to sleep at night... it doesn't seem to be harsh, but it can be once or twice... I find I can shake them off, but sometimes I like to listen to them - it's some of the most random things I've heard, and I like to figure it out... IndieVisible - I'm from the UK and have been on that site and have seen that theory about the whole "getting to know the voices" - I can understand it to an extent, and I think one reason it would be suggested is because the docs can't exactly get inside your head to listen to them, but you can because they're in "your" head... so basically, you can get a doctor's advice but there's only so much they can really do, but because it's your own mind that's being dealt with, a lot of the working out and understanding is probably better coming from you. It's like when they say "to overcome fear, you have to face it." I think if you can try and get to know them, in a sense you're making progress and getting to know your own mind a lot more, and how to "wield" it - if you can understand those voices more, you can most likely gain some control over them, and gradually knowing why they're there. I hope I made sense with that. Another thing, relating to the "point counter point" - one night I was trying to sleep when in the distance I heard two guys shouting abuse at me (which has happened in the past, scaring me) but that night, having a little more understanding, I challenged them. They were repeating the same words, looping these harsh words. Anyway, I started listening into it, gradually going along with it all... then I started thinking up a word to myself... and they paused, and then starting to repeat that word. The next day, I started thinking into what they were saying, and I vaguely heard them in the distance, then I shook them off... so from that, I thought okay, while they were being harsh, this wasn't the same as when I first started hearing voices in the distance (which terrified me). At this point, sort of bouncing back, and going with the flow of things, I think it just eased them off.
  9. BronxJazzy - I understand I'm constantly trying to think logically about it, which helps to an extent, so I'm glad you're able to do the same. Melissaw - nice to hear from you again, I'm glad you're able to manage it the way you do, by not giving it too much thought. Wj74 - I know exactly what you mean, I'm the same with cars outside, and if they blare their horn I just seem to assume they're doing it to purposely annoy me and get my attention... I think I'm starting to annoy the neighbourhood when I keep checking out the window.
  10. Firstly, I am very paranoid and delusional. I have spent years with a negative frame of mind, and low self esteem. I keep hearing neighbours discussing things about me, criticising me to each other, they seem to want me gone asap - an it's on a regular basis and can go on for an hour or two. I don't know if that's what a "running commentary" is, or whether it's this negative frame of mind that has me so caught up on my faults and delusions that when the neighbours, and other people converse to each other - is my mind just restructuring what they're saying to keep my delusions and self blame going. I remember once when my Dad and his friend were doing some work, they were talking and I was registering it towards me, it sounded so clear that they were running me down when I was upstairs. When I later confronted my Dad about it, he denied it - either he's twofaced or my mind on overload had been tricking me... I often peek out my window and see that I'm being watched by people in their car. I also really sense the stigma, that other neighbours and people just don't understand - ie, my blinds are constantly shut, that would come across weird that I'm always peeking out onto the street. I'm also obsessive, grandiose and ruminate a lot. My sleep pattern isn't always great, due to thinking far too hard and worrying about the slightest sound outside. Anyone with similar situations who can offer opinions??
  11. Hi everyone, Just looking for some opinions/personal experiences/etc I live in an apartment, unemployed because of my condition. And in the apartment below I always hear the people talking, usual gossip and debate. Anyway, it's hard not to listen to them when you take things to heart, and are extremely vigilant, it becomes your nature, and it's difficult to make out exactly the things that are said through the floor/walls. What crosses my mind is that, do you think if your mind is so focussed on your own personal life/doubts/mistakes/whatever, it sort of fuses with their voices and plays off that? So basically, their voices give your 'overloaded thought' which your mind finds hard to contain, a sort of vehicle to be expressed externally because internally it's just too much...? And being vigilant/suspicious, it kind of switches on that whole process because you sort of expect people to criticise you anyway. So you're basically clouded by your thoughts while they speak... I think that's the best way to explain it :/ Thanks.
  12. There are plenty of shallow people who believe being shy, quiet, kind or whatever means you're weak. They have an attitude that boasts 'you only get somewhere if you be like this.' They feel they can walk all over you, simply because you're unlikely to complain. And then there are people who are not put off or look down on, but feel awkward around the shy, quiet type. My granddad was very quiet, kept himself to himself, so I hardly really knew him, and always felt like I'd did something wrong (I'm not the only one who felt like that). We'd kind of tiptoe around him. It can come across quite scary to people who are obviously pretty much the same, I for one am the same, and a lot of people are insecure of what others think, so it's almost like a bunch of people in a small room being careful not to tread on anyone's feet. But then it can come across the complete opposite to those who do frown upon it... but deep down they must have some insecurities themselves, if they're human. I used to be extremely shy, and always felt even the closest people were looking down on me, to the point I was ashamed of being withdrawn; family used to go on at me for being 'ignorant, arrogant, and blah'... and as I've gotten older, I definitely think this has contributed to my social anxiety. I am wary of anyone, and what they think, so I find myself having to put on a front at times to hide parts of me, just to 'fit in'. And I'm sure even some of those who come across harsh have an insecure part to them somewhere.
  13. Similar to what Moxirox said - but my ruminated thoughts become unintentionally edited somehow; my problem is that thinking over and over about embarrassing moments end up becoming a whole lot different and my mind kind of exaggerates those memories, so it gets to the point where I can be uncertain of what actually happened at all. I tend to stray away from the initial thing when it becomes fabricated - I guess when you put so much focus on these things, after a while it can bring so much more into it. I think lack of self esteem plays a massive part, obviously, and a lot of wishful thinking does too because as much as you know you were embarrassed, you want to convince and reassure yourself that it wasn't so bad... but that can get to a point where it does become an exaggeration; so a lot of mixed feelings can come about and it only keeps you going round in circles.
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