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Everything posted by Ranecop

  1. In chat CB was divided, let's let the people vote! I like to have some toast with breakfast, and make a ketchup and scrambled eggs sandwich. So what do you all think, is it a match made in heaven? Or the most disgusting thing you've ever heard of?
  2. So it's like this is the new Facebook. So I'm kind of tired of not sleeping properly, and experiencing depression, and mania, separately and at the same time!

    1. bpladybug



      I thought your doctor wanted you to abstain from CB? am I confused?

    2. kevscrazychick


      Hi Ranecop, yeah this is for me the new fb. I can't get on anymore, fb that is. What is CB?

  3. Well everyone, I think you are all amazing people, and are by no means defined by your mental illness. I think that's a wonderful thing and what I've loved about it here. I had my appointment with my pdoc, and she highly recommends that I cut contact here, as she doesn't believe that it's healthy for me mentally. I hope you all know it has nothing to do with either of you, I just trust her, and her professional opinion. You all always say you need to follow what your pdoc says lol. (I know I don't HAVE to follow this) If this is what she feels is best for me, I need to do everything I can to get better for my son, and for myself. I've appreciated all the support you've all given me through such difficult times for me.
  4. I've been so preoccupied lately I completely missed the new Dr. Who coming out. Kinda excited to watch now! :o

    1. Rockaphilly


      Oh god that was on last week..i was so confused...dinosaurs...where were the aliens damnit? Lol

  5. It's funny how in a single moment, everything can change. (And yeah, I hate cryptic updates too. bite me. :o)

    1. Rockaphilly


      So mysterious lol

  6. Really getting into my guitar today. Learning "Fire and Rain - James Taylor" and "Kiss from a Rose - Sungha Jung"

  7. Well it looks like I won't be eating again for a while. I wonder how long it'll last this time. (I'll probably eat bits and pieces here and there, but nothing major. Definitely no breakfast this morning, no appetite for it)

  8. Today I'm grateful for. -Making new friends. -Actually seriously making a good start to transcribing a song into solo guitar fingerpicking. -Feeling good, actually, amazing, for the first time in it seems like forever. I guess a marriage you're fighting to keep alive for the both of you can do that to you... -Not caring who my ex is with, or what she's doing with him. If he wants to be with a girl who gives up on marriage because of sickness that could recover with time, and she wants to be with a guy who has no problem messing around with a married woman during marital problems, then they deserve one another. (But I'm not bitter. ) -Starting to do a little bit of writing, and learning from my first critic that it isn't a terrible PoS?
  9. I would like to correct my viewpoint Miron to say that those who are spiritually minded, with the belief in an omnipotent and omnipresent deity. In my views, the fact that nature could simply be the all encompassing force that binds everything together is not counted out either, I'm just not convinced of a truth any way.
  10. Thank you so much both of you, you have no idea what it means to me. For reasons I can't really get into, I can't talk to my family about it, and she was basically my go to person when I needed to talk about something. So with that, I don't really have people to talk to perse. Today I was feeling a bit more like things will be okay, maybe not right away, but I guess we'll see what happens when she gets back. But our relationship wasn't without flaws, and I gave it everything I had to make it work, we just both had things beyond our control working against us. I am so hoping that I can remain good friends with her, not just because we have a son, but because no one else understands me as well as she does, and I like to think vice versa. Today at work I did semi okay not thinking about things. I mean, I've had this type of stuff on my mind for a while, just not a final and resolute, this is it, it's done and over with. I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but I just thought this was it. When I feel ready to try again, at least I know that if someone can't communicate what they're feeling, that is going to be a major red flag for me. I'm a big communicator, and I need someone to communicate back, not be on the opposite spectrum and get mad at me for communicating too much. >.> I don't know if I'm going to stick with it or not, but I've decided to write a book/novel/short story/something to keep myself busy. The last time I actually wrote was because it was mandatory, but I like the creative part of it. And I may take you up on that PM offer at some point, if you happen to get a random message some time. And sorry for the jumbled post form, I've had 11 hours total sleep over the past 4 days, so after working all day I feel a little dazed. Maybe I can actually get some sleep now, who knows! *edit* And I just saw your "Kentuckian by birth, Gallifreyan by choice" Cerberus, you just won 50 cool points
  11. I'm more of like, an agnostic deist, but for all practical purposes that could be compared to atheism. That being said, I think it has to do with being scientifically minded vs. spiritually minded, at least in the sense of, I know that chemicals are not working as they should in my brain. Someone who is spiritually minded, at least in my understanding, would say that God (or whichever deity) doesn't make mistakes, and to acknowledge the severity of MI, I do think that faith could challenge that concept. In the case of my beliefs, perhaps our chemical imbalances or MI are still step 4 out of however many steps we're going to take. Maybe there is no end, and we are simply morphing from one form to another over the millennia. Who knows! I could see how some types of spirituality could interfere with acceptance of MI though.
  12. That was... *single tear* Beautiful. The way I look at it is, okay here are our options, who looks like the best? But I get all my info from Reddit, so no doubt it's extremely biased to Obama...
  13. I don't profess to be an avid follower of politics. >.> I basically get my political fix from what I read on Reddit usually. That being said, just the few things I've heard about Mitt Romney and his running buddy, why oh why do people want them? I knew that for whatever reason one of my two friends I have here is completely anti Obama, and I learned that apparently a lot of people at my work are also anti Obama. I don't get this, can some enlightened people fill this in for me?
  14. I really needed to share this with someone. Especially those who understand MI. While not legally, my marriage is now officially over. Those of you who read my previous entries may not be surprised by this. She finally talked to me, and told me the real reason for her 4 day trip/vacation was to try and see how she'd feel with some independence. She said that the minute that her first plane took off, she knew that the two of us were over, romantically at least. We still have a son together, and I still believe that we'll stay good friends after I can get past my emotional deal with it. Ultimately I see it as the best thing for both of us right now though. She probably should have gone through an independent phase before getting into a relationship, let alone a marriage anyways, and I certainly learned a lot about myself and what I need/want in a relationship as well. Years down the road maybe we'll end up together, but it's not something I'm holding out for anymore. It's freeing in a sense, but really saddening at the same time. Before all the bad, we had something good together, even if we did both have our flaws.. Now I'm trying my best to not think about just exactly how she's carrying on with her independence, if you know what I mean. I'm just trying to make it to the 20th to see my pdoc and hopefully get some answers and get things moving in a positive direction. In the mean time to cope, if I have to call the suicide hotline every day because I feel myself going down down down then that's what I'm going to do. She did Facetime yesterday to see our son while she was away, and just seeing her there tore me up inside a bit, so obviously I'm a lot more talk than my emotions truly convey, but I just have to do the best I can. I have no friends around here, so you all are all I've got! MI has to do with this in part, but I wonder if a large part of it is her getting married too young, and then getting remarried too quickly afterwards. I guess I'll never know for sure. All I do know is, once I can get past these feelings, I'll have an amazing friend, and become a much more mature and rounded person because of it... Well that's all, thank you for listening.
  15. I'm a big fan of Cracked as well. Informative and funny is never a bad combo. Even if the information isn't "useful" information.
  16. I found this post on another forum that resonates very well to my certain brand of crazy as of late. Thought you all might be able to relate as well. http://www.nomorepan...ead.php?t=93817
  17. I was on 1.5mg of Klonopin, and then had 300mg of Neurontin added for anxiety. For me, it didn't do as much as the Klonopin, but it did help some. Everyone is different though, the only way to know for sure how it will work for you is to give it a try.
  18. I'm sorry, I recognize that you are just giving advice from your perspective. I know full well right now that I am unstable, I wouldn't speak very highly of my state of mind right now. I was just hoping to get some support because I'm losing it. I spent the first three months of my son's life with wires attached to him, and even now he could become very sick very rapidly, so I do know the difference between inability to control my emotions and uncontrollable emotions. But anyways, thank you for your comments, your approach simply surprised me is all.
  19. Thank you for your response jt07. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist I made today so we can discuss these new happenings. I've always trusted her judgement though. I have no wish for a fight, though it appears that that's what you're searching for Indigo. M mention of my son is for your moving into my own apartment comment. His care requires me to be here to help. There isn't constant fighting, it is simply me shifting moods, getting extremely angry, becoming extremely sorry, surges of anxiety and panic all throughout. The causes of turmoil in my marriage are more complicated, and I have no wish to share them in this outlet. My understanding of the "strum and drag" reference (though what I found was strum and drang, I assume that's what you meant) was that you were suggesting I am simply a highly emotional (and immature, I would gather from your last paragraph) kid, hence, the issue here is not MI, but rather that I need to grow up. I'm sorry you feel the need to attack others seeking help though, I'm unsure exactly what you gain from it.
  20. You're absolutely right, it's all my fault. I obviously just need to grow up, I just have teenage drama. Never mind my son with his rare metabolic disease, I should just up and leave, that's what a mature husband/father would do.
  21. Well she may think I am now after more has happened, at the time she said, we'll just have to watch it, and now it's gotten worse, and I'm spending all of my time just trying not to go back to that place. I just feel so alone. Good news is, the pharmacy has the prescription, another hour for it to be ready though
  22. So my psychiatrist does not believe I am bipolar. My wife, who's encountered her BP father her whole life thinks I am. The psychiatrist on call last night thinks I am from whatever my wife told her. Everyone here believes I am not. So let us assume that I am not BP, this is what I've been experiencing. I will be sad and upset, trying to get her to listen to me, because I've been flipping out, and I charged at her (she is alright, and I didn't touch her), in her words, as I screamed at her to listen to me and not speak over me. Moments later, I break out into crying and shakes realizing what I did, collapse down the stairs a bit but I'm okay. The past couple nights I've called the suicide hotline because these mood changes, emotion changing, whatever you'll call it, have been frightening me, and I am very concerned that I might do something to myself. Last night I had called them, calmed down, and then got worked up again, and called again in a shaking panic/petrified state. It's like everything good is filtered out and I see my life as everything bad I have going on amplified. For all I know it could just be medication number three that disagrees with me, or I could be BP, or something completely different. I don't trust anything I think or feel, and when Im too far gone then reason goes out the window. It feels like my marriage is pretty much done. I've already been driving her insane and pushing her away, but now it feels like this is it. She was pretty much the only person I had left who really cared. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I'm going completely mad. My pdoc prescribed me Klonopin to calm down, but she didn't call in the prescription yet. Maybe no one will even respond to this, if nothing else writing it out helps me.
  23. I can understand where ManWitPlan is coming from. While I don't necessarily agree that age is a prime determining factor as to one's skills or capabilities in their field, if it helps someone be more comfortable with someone younger, then all the power to them?
  24. Well, the danger you face, which is of course what I'm up against right now, is if you do put your plans on the back burner, these things have a habit of not getting picked back up. What we faced was either A, I did my schooling, we would be LD for 4 years minimum, and then pursue getting together, or B, figuring out schooling after the fact. We met online, and after meeting in person, we knew that there was no way we could do that long apart. They say that if you really love one another, you'll wait. Well, if you really love each other and don't need to wait, then you can be happy and together. Again, can't say what the right choice is, it's a really tricky situation to be in. With basic, are you looking at a bunch of time apart anyways? The only reason I would put "my" plans on hold is if it meant that you were going to be together, you know?
  25. I'm keeping up on my exercise plan so far! 4 days and counting. (I have a bad habit of just quitting. >.>) I pushed past the uber depression of yesterday, and there seems to be a semblance of light ahead? I'm loving my new guitar strings, she sounds just beautiful. I'm getting a pretty major change in responsibilities at work. Not sure how permanent it is, but I like the sound of it!
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