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EverythingNothing

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Everything posted by EverythingNothing

  1. It most definitely depends on the person. For many, marijuana is all they need. But then there are others, like myself, that have a tendency to explore other intoxicants after being introduced to it. If I've learned anything about marijuana through my use it is that it's an extremely versatile drug. In addition, it's going to amplify what's already going on in your brain. So it certainly serves as a gateway drug for a lot of people but it's not a cookie cutter situation as the media makes it out to be. Of course, this is only my opinion based on my own drug experiences and watching the experiences of others around me.
  2. I've been taking it for some time. I had the same experience as you with my psychiatrist. I would say it helps in subtle fashion. It's no miracle supplement but I sincerely believe it is helping somewhat with my depression.
  3. I know my thoughts should be disregarded because I'm drifting in and out of reality, but I just want to take a time machine, because I really do think our brains have a spark, a touch of genius, that allows us to truly soak in the sway of life. If I had a large sum of money I would bet this is going to be proven. It's so good and so bad. When you examine natures transition into spring, when things really start to bloom and life is literally sprouting into full form with all of the flowers and such, this transition in itself is quite messy. It's the same way in my eyes. It's so beautiful because things that were dormant for so long are given the gift of making their presence known. But again, these are merely words. Even though over the course of these next weeks I'll be nearing the real test of my will, and my ability to let my ego dissolve, as a result of experiencing very intense episodes and psychotic symptoms, I still marvel at our minds. But I'll be honest, it kills me to think there are many experiencing more intense symptoms, because I know it can get our of control very quickly. I feel selfish in a way that I enjoy some of the psychotic symptoms that cripple so many. I can deal with hallucinations, cycling, and visions, but words cannot express the most pure form of fear and dread I get when I start to feel as though any person that can be picked up on via sensory circuitry, has full access to my make up, every thought, action, anything. The delusions too. Now, I have an idea. I don't want to place my feet on ground that isn't mine but I think this thread could be a good place for people to seek help concerning intense symptoms arising around this time of the year. I'd really like to connect more with others who deal with this horrible transition. I don't know, I'm in a state where everything makes sense, and is the best idea, while also being a shameful and bad idea. Anyhow, this thread has really helped me, reading all of your posts, and I'd love to read more of anyone's thoughts on this matter.
  4. I can relate to this occurrence, and bend of perception if you will. In fact, due to this wonderful time of the year it's happening right now. Today it was augmented mixes of colors of the visible color spectrum. I wouldn't believe me if I was you either. It's not a conversation over coffee.
  5. The fragile venture into the schizo mind is torture and yet offers such bliss. I really don't understand it. #bipolar

  6. I guess I wanted a chase subconsciously, because that's the only way to describe substance abuse. I fell for the lie of glory just like most others. And now, I've grown wiser. You know, it's so funny how it hits you when you least expect it, dependence and addiction that is. There's always an inexplicable period of lost time, and then, you realize what a hole you've dug for yourself. The magic always fades and you'll always scrape away so hard trying to pick of the finite pieces of the dust, the only magic left. Only, it's a damn bitch to get on your hands and knees, only to attempt to pick up finite specs. Have you ever tried picking up scattered dust with your hands? Does not work. Once you've realized that you've been made a tool, and you take this offense to heart, you can start the process of healing via sobriety, which ironically, is missed, once you know you don't want to have a net worth of a grain of soil as a result of being a slave to the game that was never meant to be won. This is how I feel about my path of substance abuse, anyhow. Drugs latch on to the mind, they sneak into social activities that were never meant to be enhanced in such ways, and they take the pain of not solving the problems that haunt you, the real heavy stuff that's buried far in the mind, for however long the substance lasts.
  7. Thanks for the support guys, it really does mean a lot. I'm glad I posted this. I'm currently in a rather euphoric manic state so of course everything is grand at the moment. But confusing mood states aside, all of these replies is helping me feel worth through this psychotic mess. The mind is certainly taking me to places stranger than...something. You never really know where you'll be in the end. And the ultra rapid cycling you guys are talking about. This is the belly of the beast in my case. I know minute to minute mood swings like the back of my hand. I guess I'm used to dealing with it in a way. This time is what initially sent me in to the hospital. I couldn't grasp the sheer insanity. I've learned some of the healing is letting yourself purge your ecstatic circuitry of your brain. Ride the waves and let them set. Or maybe I'm just delving into it. Anyhow, I do have a plan. I've explained to the doctor that this time is a psychotic mess for me. I went off my meds recently and really dived into my visions of past, present, and future, as well as alternative avenues of being. I got a side of intense rage. We all know what a tricky game these pseudo-hallucinations are. I have to admit I like the exploration of the mind, even if it's disturbing at times, to say the least. My plan is simple and effective and proven. Experience ultradian and/or psychotic mood cycling? Just add more Risperdal (or your favorite flavor of atypical)! I apologize for getting carried away but writing feels damn good. I know this is serious business, and I'm sorry if I offend anyone about my views of the bipolar 1 (or schizoaffective or whatever label sticks to the shirt) and mood cycling, as well as severe psychotic symptoms, but making a little light of this mess helps me cope with an imploding consciousness. Most importantly, thank you for all of the support. To the existence of a euphoric mania that never ends.
  8. I'm hoping there are others who hate the transition from late winter into spring as much as I do. Here is this topic summed up: do you suffer from very rapid and intense mood cycling when winter slowly blooms into spring? I honestly feel as though my mind is in sync with the transition of the death of winter into the explosion of life that is spring time. I'm diagnosed as rapid cycling bipolar 1 disorder (I think I have schizoaffective bipolar type due to hallucinations, delusions, visions, and intense paranoia but I don't care to be officially diagnosed). The slow transition from late winter into spring always hits me very hard. Simple put, I experience very intense cycling. The mood cycling is filled with mania, mixed episodes, plenty of insomnia, depression, bouts of crying...you name it. I apologize if this is a waste of crazyboards time and server space. It would just be nice to know that there are others going through the same kind of an almost purge of the conscious and sub-conscious. Thanks for taking the time to read, and if you are experiencing heaven and hell during this time of the year, I wish you the best in coping. This time of the year is what initially sent me into the hospital and I'd imagine things get intense for other people with bipolar 1 disorder or otherwise. Lastly, is it my ungrounded thinking or do we individuals with bipolar disorder express a metaphorical yet very human representation of seasonal change? Stay tuned for more nonsensical writing (don't worry, I will not be flooding crazyboards with topic after topic, only kidding).
  9. You shouldn't have to explain yourself. A person without a severe mental illness can never understand the mind of someone in the depths of...a severe mental illness. To answer your question, thankfully I can get by with freelance writing. That does a lot for me. It allows me to be free if that makes any sense. I still need assistance, but at least I can summon some kind of income on my own. But the truth is I couldn't handle a "real" job. The reasons for this are: Any kind of stress sets me off I'm rigid as a rock with paranoia related to other people and meeting societal expectations My medications, even though they keep me stable when necessary, sap me of drive I literally feel like I've taken LSD, and am forced on a horrific mind trip, when introduced to a traditional work environment and this just doesn't bode well You know what, maybe that makes me weak. But I'm done trying to mold myself into something I'm not. Time is on my side, and time has told me that I can't handle simple work the way most are able to. It's just the reality of reality for me. I do what I can to provide for myself and to spread tangible value through traditional societal avenues. This is me and this is what I'm capable of. I still strive to explore and to grow as a person in this life, but I truthfully can't handle real work. To those that can, I give all the credit in the world. Sorry for the rant everyone. Emotion made its way into this post and this time of the year is a very bad time for me with all of the mania, madness, and cycling. I hope to have provided some value or insight but when all is said and done, one must never have to abide by the rules of explanation as far as work, severe mental illness, and the inability for the two to mesh. This is especially true when concerning severe bipolar disorder or schizoaffective bipolar type (hopefully the schizoaffective part is relevant I saw this post tagged as such).
  10. Seasons change, and so do moods.

  11. I can totally relate to you. Most of my time is spend blending in and making everyone to believe that nothing is wrong in my mind. Can't have society thinking you're off, right? Seriously though, the amount of energy I put into this masking is so very exhausting. I can't tell if it's worse than expressing my symptoms at times. I'm just too paranoid to show my "true" self to society.
  12. I absolutely hate the "stuck" feeling you describe. As others have mentioned, it's completely normal for it to be hard to make decisions. However, it gets much worse as a symptom of bipolar disorder, at least in my case. We could be experiencing totally different things, but I think I know what you're alluding to. To ease things, I do my best to calm myself down and allow myself to relax. I remind myself that sometimes a decision doesn't have to be made and that it's ok to do nothing for a little while. I hope that makes a little bit of sense.
  13. These states can definitely be provoked by your environment and stressors. I've found this to be the case. However, they can also come out of nowhere. I don't have a degree in neuroscience and can only speak from personal experience but for me, a mixed episode is like by brain is on fire and firing in all the wrong ways. It's as if all the different neurotransmitter systems are collectively acting out of role. I think about this a lot, what is happening with serotonin, dopamine, glutamate, and so on to make for an experience that is such an intense high and low all at once? It doesn't make sense. Mixed episodes really go to show what a funky brain setup we have as bipolar individuals.
  14. I live pretty much every waking moment in depression, so that's anguish I just accept. But it's when insanity ensues during a mixed episode. That's when everything turns to shit and my mind is attempting to break through my skull.
  15. I assume you decided to taper off because you and your doctor felt you were stable enough? About your withdrawal, this is something that differs from person to person. However, you are tapering off of several powerful drugs. I don't mean to be a downer but the reality is you could experience negative symptoms further into the taper. I'm glad to here you're feeling fine with only sub threshold symptoms to speak of but watch out for an increase in intensity.
  16. This is key. It's a matter of slowing down and actually enjoying your beer and not getting into liquor (or keeping it to one drink). But again, it can be hard depending on the setting.
  17. I agree. There's a volatile threshold when it comes to using antidepressants for bipolar disorder. Even when used alongside an antipsychotic.
  18. I think it's way too complex of a mechanism for neuroscience to provide an answer right now. Based on how I know certain neurotransmitters feel to me I'd say there's dopamine and serotonin going ape shit along with strange and intense neural firing of all kinds. The way hypersexuality feels when you're manic does not compare to any other circumstance of attraction, at least for me. I just think it's science needing to catch up.
  19. No problem. You're the first person that's acknowledged my insight, sorry I don't have a prize, I'll try humor instead. On a serious note, hang in there, there's got to be a pharmaceutical combination that will dig you out of depression. There are many classes of antidepressants and tons of medications being used off label for bipolar depression with more of a variety of mechanisms of action. Basically, there are many ways to alter your cognition for the better. Also, you should be open to trialing different stimulant medications if you haven't already. I take Vyvanse which, albeit costly, offers an coverage of your symptoms for quite a few hours with a much less harsh comedown. At the very least see if you can function with something below 40mg. Amphetamine really messes with dopamine in the brain which in turn affects mood. Hopefully I could offer ideas you haven't already tried.
  20. When I tried lamictal I was lost in a thick fog of something. I don't know if was a mixed episode or if I was severely depressed but I just couldn't take anything. The world as a million miles away and there was nothing in my mind. I simply didn't want to exist in any circumstance. I figure this reaction is odd because a lot of people do very well on lamictal. I have been diagnosed for about the same time as you and I still struggle with the constant lack of results from medications and am regularly fed up with my mental state and life in general. I just know to let time pass. As far as your current medications, do you take Adderall every day? Do you find yourself extremely uncomfortable/anxious/depressed when it wears off? Adderall is an up and down type of drug and could be making your situation worse. It's just a thought. As far as other antidepressants I know of remeron which isn't an SSRI. You could bring it up to your doctor and see what he or she thinks about it. It's used off label for bipolar depression. Other than that, although you probably don't want to hear it, seriously consider exercising in any way shape or form if you aren't already.
  21. I'm no saint when it comes to abstaining from alcohol but I am making progress in letting it fade away. I know how you feel though. You've got to downgrade your life in some ways in order to upgrade your mental stability and it's shitty reality, at least for me. I know for me I have to stay away from certain social situations if I want to stay away from things that hurt my overall stability. Sometimes it's a little depressing because I'm isolated during times I don't want to be. But I know I'd cave in and drink if I went to a bar even with the intention of not drinking. That's just because of my addictive personality. You could be different. My only advice is to try and replace those fun times with other proactive and social activities. Not so easy as I'm learning. Exercising and getting on a workout schedule with my brother is one of the ways I'm trying to create good times out of sober activities. Seriously though, good job at avoiding the social pressures. It's something that takes real strength. Letting go of the crazy fun and good memories is damn difficult.
  22. You think the way you think, there's no problem with that. I never want to be in patient again so I couldn't compare it to this community. I would say it's comparable in that this forum is like a safe haven in a way. You're able to get away from the problems of the real world but you're not entirely caged in.
  23. If I'm taking my Vyvanse for the day it's just one dose. An IR booster would probably help but I doubt my doctor would be keen on this idea.
  24. It starts before your medication starts to wear off. You need to make sure you are eating regularly and getting plenty of fluids. This will not only help the comedown but it will make the medication more effective. When it starts to wear off it's the same thing, eat as healthy as you can and drink a lot of water. I take Vyvanse and what I focus on is eating as much as I can and drinking orange juice. Eating can be difficult as my appetite is suppressed but this works for me.
  25. As others have mentioned it's a good idea to stop using MDMA entirely. It's a magical feeling while you're on it, many would agree with this, but it isn't sustainable. It's neurotoxic and extended use will result in more bad than good. This is especially true if you already have mental health issues. And this is one drug that you should absolutely NOT mix with psychiatric medications (especially antipsychotics if that was what you were referring to). There are so many horror stories about people who abused MDMA and tried everything to recover their minds with little success. Simply put, MDMA puts a ton of stress on the neural networks which makes for all kinds of psychological problems when used continuously.
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