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Proxy Wolf

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About Proxy Wolf

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    Working Out, Reading, Video Games, Camping, Hiking, Cosplay, Dancing, Music, Computers and Gadgetry, Drawing, and many more.
  1. I feel like I want to die. I don't want to burden my already stressed family with having to worry about me. I try not to be irritable or cry in front of my son (or anyone)...he doesn't need to feel like it's his job to take care of me. It's my job to take care of him...but I feel I don't even do that well. My mother watches him whenever my husband and I have to work late, and she likes to have him on the weekend. I keep him some weekends, although he doesn't seem to want to be home. He comes home most of the week though...but then he seems to always have a stomach ache or something. I feel like he must hate being here so much that it makes him sick. I feel so bad because I was less than sympathetic with him at dinner when he said he felt really sick to his stomach and it hurt badly. He even went to the bathroom to throw up but couldn't. I've taken him to the GP and they suspect reflux and he's been taking medicine. I thought it was helping. When he told me this I had to keep from bursting into tears. I don't think being irritable was a better alternative, however. I know it didn't help HIM feel better. He couldn't even eat his dinner. I told him he didn't have to force himself to eat it (which he seemed to be trying to do). He is such a good boy. He at least seemed as cheery as a sick child could be. I told him to go ahead and try and get some rest instead of doing his chores. I try not to talk about being depressed or wanting to die to my husband because he already worries about my well being. I worry about him as well. Similar reasons for other family members and my best friend...they have their own issues. I try to be there for them because they need it. I try not to have co-worker friends get wind that something is up because I don't want to seem like I'm "just seeking attention". I am viewed as being a strong member of the company and want others to feel they can come to me if THEY need help. I don't want them to feel apprehensive that I am too fragile to handle helping them if they need it. I feel so guilty that I cannot be happy for a friend that just got promoted over me. What makes it worse is that it's not like I didn't have control over my not being promoted. All I had to do is get paperwork together and turn it in...but I've been busy trying to get projects finished for my own company that I've been slacking with my job. But I'm not even doing well concentrating on my project and I'm not getting as much accomplished as I should. I can't concentrate. I keep getting bad headaches and my back hurts. I enjoyed keeping in shape and exercising, but it seems something always goes awry after about two weeks. My fingers, or wrist or something will often swell up. Now the bend of my foot seems to be affected by some kind of arthritis that I guess has no real treatment...as it "doesn't do damage". This is the diagnosis now...but I have a feeling it will change again. I was first told I had Lupus. I was then told no, it's Fibromyalgia. It was then something else related to Fibromyalgia until I was able to prove that my fingers REALLY do swell up. Now it's Palindromic Inflammatory Arthritis (or Palindromic Rheumatism). I feel nauseated often whenever I eat, but the docs just give me anti-nausea medication and call it a day. They don't seem too concerned..."it's likely due to all the NSAIDs" I eat. I've been given Mobic since it's easier on the stomach than Ibuprofen and others. I was noticing lately that I get fatigued quicker doing physical things, especially exercise. I experienced being extremely tired in general for a short while...although I'm feeling stronger now. I was found to be "barely" anemic. It's probably because of the Mobic and NSAIDs I've taken, and the fact that I have troubles overall with eating combined with the exercise that needs a lot of oxygen from the red blood cells. I do mostly cardio exercise. Then again, from what I've read, it could be if I really do have Lupus. I only talk to my pdoc once a week, and every time I try to bring myself to say something about this, I feel something inside block me. I think I'm afraid she will send me to the hospital. I don't even know if my insurance would cover that. I've been crying most of today and knowing that I shouldn't be because it's not like my life is so terrible. I should be happy and I'm fighting the sadness kicking and screaming...but so far I think I'm losing. I tell myself how selfish it would be to take my life. The pain I would cause. People would get by without me but they would not be better off. Especially my son. I'm not worthless. Why do I want to die?
  2. I have Palindromic Rheumatism...which means inflammation in a joint (or joints) comes and goes randomly. I consider myself lucky in the sense that PR supposedly doesn't cause damage to the joints. It is very painful most times when it occurs. For a long time it only seemed to affect my fingers once or twice a year and it was very mild stiffness and pain. It slowly began to happen more often and became more painful. Now it seems to happen every other month or up to three times in one month. It will start most often with a finger on either hand. I will feel it begin to ache and that's my warning to take any jewelry off before I'm not able to! The finger will begin to redden and swell and sometimes it spreads down into my hand and wrist. The swelling and pain become so severe that it literally feels like my finger bone is being crushed by it's own tissue. Once one begins to subside, sometimes the other hand or wrist begins! I was diagnosed with PR because there isn't any evidence of damage to my joints and I have only shown abnormal blood results a couple of times throughout my history. Although my last (and fairly recent) ANA titer was 140 with a homogenous pattern. This has been the first positive for about eight years. I've also had a boderline abnormal Scleroderma 70 result...but it was just barely abnormal. I think the normal range was up to 0.9 and my result was 1.0 so it was of no real concern. Last week I noticed pain in the bend of my foot when I was trying to get comfortable to sleep. I didn't think too much of it until it happened again a couple days later. I took a closer look and it had similar tender redness to when it first began in my fingers. This is so disheartening to think that it's going to start happening in my feet. For almost a week now I've been having stiffness and pain originating from between my shoulderblades up into my neck. I've also become increasingly fatigued and tired. Some of the tiredness I can relate to not sleeping well. I keep waking up in the night with my arm(s) asleep and numb no matter what position I was in, side or back. Saturday was the last day I exercised because I figured I should give my back some time to calm down and because my energy level while exercising was so limited. I just spoke to my Rheumy on Friday and got some blood taken. The office called me today and told me I'm anemic. I didn't really pay any mind to this but now that I think of it, I'm curious of exactly how anemic I am. She asked if I was on my period during my appt. "No." and then asked if I noticed blood in my stool or if I've been vomiting blood..."Not that I've noticed. No." I didn't think about it much at the time since I woke up from my nap to answer the phone. My Rheumy wanted me to follow up with my GP about this (probably because the Arthritis clinic is about an hour from me.) That would answer my question as to why I've been so tired...but if she is asking these questions does this mean it's not just iron deficient anemia? Could it be tied in with my back pain and emerging foot flare? I've also been having more headaches, dizziness, and nausea lately. I think all of this, added to my "brain" issues lately is seriously beginning to depress me. I feel like I'm slowly becoming defeated and just want to sleep the rest of the week, or month!
  3. Thanks! I have been doing fairly well with keeping my journal up. When I go to my appointments I generally just hand it to her to get the visit started and then we go from there. She had me fill out a test last week...not sure which one it was. I'm sort of interested to know the interpretation of it and at the same time, I'm not.
  4. Thanks! I totally agree with not trying to concentrate on what to label it. As long as I can find my way best to live to my fullest I will be happy...not to sound like the moral to the end of an old Saturday cartoon or anything hehe . I know I seem to have a habit of coming around back to the subject of "what is it?". I think that's mainly because it becomes useful in some cases to have a name I know will give people an idea of what I'm referring to in a conversation without going into major detail. I'm grateful I have a place to come that a label only really is useful in knowing where to begin posting details. Everyone else helps with the rest. For that, I'm thankful!
  5. It's been a little while. Just have been working a lot, and had to reboot my computer. How I arrived at the dx suggestion is sort of complicated. I went to a neuropsychiatrist and tested negative for any form of ADD. I was tested for it when I was very young as well and it was negative then too. I grew up as a military brat so I've had different Drs as I grew up. I seem to fit well into the dx, but then there are other instances when I may not. I was given Adderall, but then tried Vyvanse. Both helped me focus, but I began to have heart palpitations from merely walking across the room. I was told my metabolism is too active for my body to handle the amount of stimulants needed to keep my focus. I was then given Wellbutrin, but I experienced some scary symptoms at one point for about a week. I cannot, without a doubt, attribute that Wellbutrin was the cause of the symptoms. I'm now too afraid to try it again. It's funny, Miron, that where I'm from my insurance will not cover AD/HD visits to a pdoc but will do so for a gp. My pdoc found a way around this issue. I have spoken to my pdoc again and I can try Stratera. I've been doing somewhat better lately though...I just hate taking medication, but I know I probably should try. I still have a lot of trouble sitting for long. I have been doing much better with eating and trying not to drink and eat so many stimulants at least.
  6. I'm glad to know I'm coherent! My Pdoc did ask about how I'm eating. I told her about my issues with forgetting and that whenever I do feel hungry nothing sounds appetizing enough to eat. Anything that does would take more time to make than I care to spare. Then there is sugary junk food like cookies or chocolate. My craving for sugar is nearly insatiable. If there is nothing sugary to eat in the house I get seriously irritated. I went out of my way to bake a cake over the weekend so I wouldn't eat all the tootsie rolls. I resist eating these things (some days better than others thought) when they're present, so it's silly that I get angry and irritated when they're not. It must be a comfort thing. Thank you for the alarm suggestion. My husband gets tired of sticky notes all over the place, especially since they aren't my most effective reminders anyways. I am still searching for "effective helpers". For now, it's a clutter of notes and reminders of things I'll forget to do haha!
  7. Sometimes I forget to eat...I have a tendency to drink more coffee when I resist consuming sugary yum-yums. I think hard about making something to eat and then I'll get distracted, do something else, sit down and work. All the while I'm thinking I've eaten since my thinking hard about eating seems to transition into a memory of doing it. The coffee suppresses my appetite further tricking me into thinking that I really did eat. When I'm asked by a family member "Did you eat today?" I'm like "Yeah!"...but then they ask "What did you eat?" I say "Ummm...eggs? Or was it...oooh...maybe I didn't eat anything...maybe a tootsie roll..." I've been having so much trouble lately. I keep wanting to post things but I can't collect and organize my thoughts enough to make them make sense unless I just splatter them everywhere uncontrolled. Sorry if this is hard to follow. Today started out so well. My mind was clear but then it took all my will power to be able to sit still for long. I was trying so hard to take advantage of my clarity to get more work done before going into the office tomorrow. I'm not entirely sure I have AD/HD. I only just began to see a pdoc 2 weeks ago. My gp had me diagnosed ADD. I am not taking any meds at this time. The pdoc mentioned trying Stratera(?) (I think that's what it was) I wish I could have went ahead and got a prescription to try it because I can't stand this. It took me 30 minuets one day to try and make a protein shake because I kept forgetting what I was doing every step of the way. I went to the fridge and forgot what I was going to get and why...and it kept going on until I finally finished. It should normally only take a couple of minutes. Now I feel like I am just rambling on and on without having said anything that made whatever point I was trying to make. Does anyone have any suggestions of what I could do until I have my next appt. Of course I didn't mark when my appt is on the calendar either.
  8. Wasn't sure specifically what you meant...like if you meant posting? I started to post on the "Did you exercise TODAY?" Topic, but I can post here too if it's more helpful to you. I'm glad to hear about more hours for you and that you're more able to afford some things. Hang in there. Oh, and sweating is good! It does help shed pounds. Just make sure you're drinking enough water of course! Wooster makes a good suggestion. http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ is a good tracker for exercise and diet. I used to use the Fitness Pal when I had a smart phone. It was easy for me to just scan what I was going to eat quickly as I was making it. I have trouble when it comes to going online or doing anything that may take me away from what I'm currently doing. It increases the chance that I may forget what I was doing and create a spiral of distractions. Speaking of which...I'll try and stay on topic here. I do want to start using the Fitness Pal again and try to keep up with it! I can relate to being a "store snob". I think I'm a food snob because nothing ever sounds appetizing, even if I "like" it.
  9. Started the Insanity workout (again) today. Plyometric Cardio Circuit...I think it's about 45 minutes.
  10. Sjs, you got that right! I only finished the Insanity workouts one time through. That was around early last year. I've started it again quite a few times but can't seem to finish it again! They are definitely crazy! Would you like to give it a shot together? I'm feeling better now and think I'll try to start again tomorrow. I did errands around the house today, like put my camping gear away that's been out for a couple months...which involved a lot of walking from one end of the house to the other, up and down basement steps. Nothing major though.
  11. I often seem to have run-ins with my television. Sometimes it likes to butt into conversations and sometimes it just plain messes with me. Last night I began shouting because I kept hearing the same commercial played every commercial break (two times in one break even). Me: "They keep playing this damn commercial! It's annoying!" Television: "In this Nation, we can't make every annoying thing disappear..." Stupid unruly television!! Just thought it was a sort of silly coincidence to share...although it seems to happen often enough to creep me out sometimes. My husband has been with me a few times in these instances. He usually raises an eyebrow and looks at me funny.
  12. Olga, I hope your toe feels better! You didn't break it did you? I forgot to post yesterday, but I swear that I'm allergic to cardio workouts because now I'm sick. Actually, I'm more sure that I caught the bug at work and wonder if the intensity of my workout created the opportunity for the bug to take hold...or it was coincidence that I began to have flu-ish sinus symptoms shortly after the workout. Anyways, I did about an hour of Cardio Circuit training today. I have the Insanity Workouts and I decided to start them again yesterday. Today's workout was called "Cardio Power and Resistance". I didn't push myself too hard since I know I should probably be resting.
  13. I wish a teaspoon of sugar would literally coax all my housework to do itself. I'd even sing if it would help!

  14. It does sound like you've tried many things (if not nearly everything). I've been having bouts of migraines lately myself and had one a couple months ago, on Wellbutrin as well I'll add, that lasted for about 3 days. The third morning I instantly wanted to start crying when I woke up and it was STILL there. I remembered I had an old prescription from last year of some Maxalt MLT 10 MG tablets. I cringed at the thought of having to dissolve it on my tongue but I was desperate so I took one. It worked! It also seemed to have broken the cycle! Have you ever been prescribed this? If not, I think it would be worth talking to your pdoc to see if it would help. Other than that, I'm sorry I don't have any in-the-meantime suggestions for you except maybe a hot bath or something with moist heat since cold hasn't helped. This sometimes helps me a little. I forgot to add that, if you don't already, be sure you're drinking enough water or other hydrating fluids (water is best). Being dehydrated only adds to an already terrible headache.
  15. I appreciate all the positive re-enforcement. My appointment went well I think. She eased my worries about my job. That is a huge relief and makes me feel that I don't have to hold anything back for that reason. She wants to see me again next week so I am going to try and keep a journal again, but I have a hard time keeping that up.
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