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numbone

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About numbone

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  1. numbone

    Father's Day

  2. numbone

    My Dog

    My Dog
  3. numbone

    Numbone fishing

    A day of deep sea fishing on the Atlantic
  4. Well the news isn't getting any better. My father went to another cardiologist for a second opinion. The doctor immediately had him admitted to the hospital. They are trying to drain fluid from his heart and it looks like he is going to need surgery.
  5. Hello, I guess I should start off a little bit about my relationship with my father. We always have had an emotionally tense relationship. He was always psychologically abusing me. He had been beaten and abused in other ways as a child and swore that he never would raise a hand to his own child and he never did. Instead he would dig and beat me emotionally. I'm not blaming him for all my problems, I am BP mixed state so a lot of it is chemical, but he didn't help either. On the other side of the spectrum he was very loving in other ways. His health has never been good. Diabetes, quadruple bypass, pacemaker, amongst other things. For the last 3 or four months he has been sent to the ER 2 to 3 times a month. They couldn't figure out what was triggering all of his symptoms, which were not the same each time. To make things a little shorter I guess I should just move to the dx. One of his heart valves is failing him he has some kidney damage and they are saying his heart is only functioning at 25 percent. He can have surgery but the odds of surviving the surgery are only about 50 50. In addition if he does do the surgery there is a high probability that he will have to go on dialysis. He is opting out of surgery and without it the doctors cannot give him a prognosis of how long he has to survive. This all is capping off a crappy year. Marital problems, my wife losing her mother a few months ago, and my being dx with diabetes. All of which is really making the depression side of this disease rear its ugly head. I've had tons of suicidal ideations, don't worry I don't act on them I have kids and refuse to do that to them. Well thats my story as updates occur about my dad I'll post them. Numbone
  6. Ok in case your wondering we made it back from our weekend without hurting each other. In fact we actually had a real nice time together. We talked, we fought, and we laughed some. But I guess i need to go back to my story and tell what I know about their relationship. It started 2yrs ago, she is still sticking to one year. She was getting resentful of me and was beginning to have a mid life crisis. He paid attention to her through multiple emails daily since they are about a 2 hr plane ride away. He is married with one child. Apparently the sex was better and so was the attention, plus it being a long distance affair everything was perfect, they weren't together enough to drive each other crazy. I'm not really comfortable discussing their sex life on here but there were some things that definatelly fucked with me. Other parts of their relationship really got to me while i read the emails. They would share the details of their day including what me and the kids did as well as what his wife and kid did. She brought him into my life, she sent pictures of me, the kids, and the dog. He did the same. Ultimately I think she wanted us to meet at some point and become friends. She was having her cake and eating it too. After I had confronted her and was trying to figure out were I stood in her future, she admitted that she was having the best of both worlds. Me as her partner and parent to her children. Her best friend as a confidante, and the other guy for sex and self fulfillment. Having writers block now. I'll post again soon and update how we are doing. Oh yeah and about the weekend.
  7. Ok, here is some background on our relationship. We have two children aged 6 and 4. When the wife and I first met I was between cycles, so I was strange but not a raving lunatic. The stress of her first pregnancy and then the stress of work and having a child started to get to me. I started to become hypo manic about 5 yrs ago. When I realized how fucked i was, thank you mixed state, i finally sought treatment. Unfortunately I ended up going to a total quack who misdiagnosed me as adhd, chronic depression, and ptsd. He had me on a coctail of 9 meds and i went absolutely batshit. In a 5 month period I got into 3 car accidents, made an offhand remark to the doc that maybe the accidents where a subconscious way of me hurting myself, great insight right, wrong this led to hospitalization. In the big picture getting hospitalized was the greatest thing that could have happened to me. I was properly diagnosed and put on the proper treatment and became stable again. Unfortunately the doctor told my wife the accidents where suicide attempts and unfortunately my now 6 yr old was in the car during one of the accidents. Obviously my wife lost all trust in me as a parent. I worked hard to regain that trust. I became the primary caretaker of the children and when the 4 yr old was born i stayed home and raised him once my wife's maternity leave was up. We had our ups and downs until about 2.5 yrs ago we decided to remodel our house. It was a fuckin NIGHTMARE. We fought, we had to move into a rental in a not so good neighborhood, stress was building up. I got laid off from yet another job. We were beginning to drift but neither of us really noticed. She started to resent me, and I started to dislike her. It apparently was during this period that something sparked between her and this fellow board member and they hooked up. Now all i was able to force myself to read was the last 6 months of emails, so i only know a portion of what went on between them. I should have noticed, sex lost its intamicy both of us began faking it. She no longer wanted to snuggle. I had to fight for sex and affection. We have always joked that she is a gay man in a womans body and i am a gay woman in a mans body. We never followed traditional roles. She is the primary breadwinner while i work part time so i can take care of the kids. She never was the emotional or nurturing one, that always was me so it was easy to fool myself that nothing was wrong except she didn't have the sex drive i was used to. Obviously it was because of the relationship she was having with this other guy who lives about a 2 hr plane ride away. I'll get into their relationship in the next post.
  8. I've shared this with a lot of the people on the chat but i think I need to try to write this all out. I've had the most topsy turvy last 2 weeks. Last Sat. I plugged in my wife's iphone, and went to update her apps like i do all the time. When i unlocked the phone it opened to an email between my wife and her lover. My whole world dropped out on me. I read more emails. In the morning i watched her but i still couldn't believe it. They live in separate states and are both part of 2 national committees. They had been hooking up at the national board meetings for almost 2 yrs. It was still Sun. and i hadn't confronted her and she had a trip planned for a national board meeting on Wed. The part of me that cared for her couldn't confront her before the trip knowing how important the meeting is for her career. Monday i got an emergency appt with my pdoc, he actually sat and talked with me for a little over an hour. I decided when I confronted her i needed a safe place to do it, the doc agreed and offered to postpone his rounds at the hospital any day i was ready to do the confrontation. I got STD and HIV tested and I met w/ a lawyer to find out my options. I couldn't do it that night the kids where up late and i couldn't do it with them around. I had 2 days to confront her or i would have to wait till she got back on Sat. to do it. I'm mixed state BP so you can guess what this situation was doing to me. Plus i was lying to her, i knew a lot by then I had read lots of emails but i'll get into the gory details later. Tues and Wed where hell acting like i still loved her and noticing how cold she really was with me. Knowing she was communicating with him. Knowing they were meeting up a day ahead of the meetings. Sat night she got in late the flight had been delayed and then she had problems getting her bag. I wanted to do it that night she was so cold to me, didn't even want to kiss me when i welcomed her home. I was sure that it was over but tomorrow was going to be fathers day and the kids had been looking forward to it so much. I had already made the appointment w/ the pdoc to confront her for monday. Fathers day arrived i was full on manic by this point had lost weight couldn't stop pacing, we went to a local kids attraction cause i wanted the kids to have the best fathers day ever. I was Clark Griswald in Vacation. Monday i confronted her, she wanted to lie but saw in my face i knew, she admitted to being in love with the other guy. She didn't want to end our marriage but she wasn't ready to end the relationship for good, she contacted him told him i knew, said she had to work on the marriage asked him not to contact her, but hasn't broken it off with him. He is married and not ready to be divorced from his wife. Tues we finally talked a little late at night. Wed it was our anniversary. I made us brie and apple chicken breast with artichoke and champagne. I toasted the end of our marriage and the hope that maybe we can create a new life together. She got guilty wanted to know why and how i could do something nice for her. I told her i did it for me cause i didn't want to eat crappy food on my anniversary. When we were on the couch drinking and watching the tv she started sliding closer to me, i couldn't take it i told her how pissed off i am and how angry i am at her. And then we actually talked a little. Today we went to a therapist. Tomorrow we go on our anniversary trip we had booked with some homework for the trip from the tdoc. I'll add more and give more detail later.
  9. 35 yr old male, i've been hurting myself since 3 grade. I tend to do it in violent ways. Stabbing, burning, getting into fights i can't win. I've also read the studies that show women as more prevalent.
  10. Just titrated off of lamictal myself. At highest dosage i was at 300 mg in the morning, so maybe thats why my side effects were somewhat different. back spasms (especially bad when air pressure changes where happening) problems speaking sentences in order when i fist went on it and got to 300 wife said i was doing a bit of the tourette thing in my sleep, as well as twitching never got tired or sedated no rashes MAJOR MUNCHIES
  11. When i was on remeron for depression and insomnia, i took high dose, at lower doses it tended to give me a hangover effect.
  12. My preffered method has always been to get injured in front of others. "Accidently" burning my arms on the oven door, screwdriver and wire cuts when i did construction, a couple of good ladder falls on different jobs. Now that i'm fighting it i do admit to hitting walls. I know that aint healthy either, but no stabbing wounds, major burns or long cuts since i was in hospital 4 months ago.
  13. The depakote i'm on, its the lamictal i'm going off of.
  14. I guess i should have listed the meds i am now on. Depakote 3 * day, lamictal (down to 50 mg new doc is weening me off), abilify, and klono for anxiety. Things are 100% better than before the hospital, new doc, new meds, but still it is a constant fight. I haven't injured myself since the hospital, and to me suicidal thoughts have been w/ me since i was a kid. I know it sounds like bullshit, but there is no way i would kill myself even though the impulse is there.
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