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sleepy borderline

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    reading about abnormal psychology, modern literature, thrift store shopping, compact disc collecting, reading biographies, yoga, holistic healing, nutrition, women, men, fashion, writing poetry, Anne Sexton, taking long walks, going to the gym, used paperback novels, modern art,the sound of the rain, tattoos, love, peace, oddness.

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  1. Which workbook was recommended to you? There are several that I like. To me doing DBT, whether or not you do it by yourself from a workbook, in a group or in individual therapy or both is very helpful. May I ask what you are hoping to get out of DBT? Or what you know about it so far? I started out doing DBT on my own through workbooks, I bought practically every workbook and book on DBT I could find on Amazon. I brought in some of the workbooks to my old therapist, and we did some of the mindfulness sheets together. She gave me homework, exercises and filling out the sheets from the Marsha Linehan DBT skills training manual. My current therapist was giving me sheets on distress tolerance, but now I mostly go to an informal DBT group once a week. I have found all to be helpful. DBT+ medications are the only thing so far that have helped my BPD. Good Luck!
  2. I'm guessing that means she didn't want to ask about me for whatever reason. Not sure what her reasoning was behind stating so many times that she would wonder how I was doing if she could find out about me all along.
  3. Hi everyone, I know this thread has been dead for a while, but one more thing is bothering me about something my ex-therapist said during termination, and I'm wondering if anyone with knowledge about clinical supervision can help me out. While we were ending my ex T stated several times that she would wonder what would happen to me, and how I was doing after she ended therapy. ( even putting that in the card she gave me in our last session) I go to a non-profit mental health clinic. She had already been clinical supervisor at the clinic for many years at this point. The clinical director and her both decided that she should terminate therapy there with her last 4 clients ( before the last few years she was an employee and case manager at the same clinic and had many more clients) She was to remain the clinical director there for one day a week, ( before this incident I didn't know what a " clinical supervisor" did exactly) Since she seemed to be genuinely worried about my well being after therapy, I asked her " well if you are wondering why don't you ask someone how I am doing." She responded in exact words " I can't, they can't tell me anything. Confidentiality." So I was like, okay, and forgot about it until recently. Now I know more about what a clinical supervisor does at a clinic. They help the interns ( which my new T is) about helping the clients and case review. I asked my current T if she mentions her clients by name. She said " yes". My case manager/the clinical director also said she could ask about her ex clients if she wanted to. So why then did she tell me during termination that she couldn't and it was confidential information and" no one could tell her how I was doing."
  4. I am pretty enraged about what the new T said, but I talked to my case manager about it a couple days ago. She knows me better ( having worked with me for 15 years) and shows the compassion and caring the new T is lacking a bit of. She said that I should just bring it up to her nicely in our next session, which I will do on Friday. Case manager also thinks maybe new T feels bad because I have brought up the old T a lot. Changing therapists is an option but difficult to do. I get all my services at the clinic I go to. I started looking up Medicaid and Medical therapists who specialize in personality disorders/DBT in my area and found none. I'm sure they are out there, but I'm finding it difficult to find one. I'm guessing a lot of therapists don't want to work with clients that have BPD but that could be just me talking. I think I compare the new T to the old one a lot. Despite my unstable relationship with the old one ( mostly me, not her) and the since termination lack of support, she really did a great job while I was with her. She showed a lot of compassion and caring and I'm worried that now that I don't see her that went away for her, like she forgot me or something. Little things, like one time I was really cold waiting outside for her and she let me wear her jacket in session, the fact that she trusted me enough to leave her purse with me alone in the therapy room when she went to use the restroom, the card and letters she gave me and the fact that she sobbed when I gave her a card goodbye and it touched her. Offering me food in the session and we'd both put our feet up on a chair.... not the mention the skills she gave me and I felt like she knew me. Like we shared a special connection ( and I am hopefully not saying that delusionally) ... i had grown so attached to her. It was the first time in my life I felt like someone listened to me and accepted me because I had been seeing her since I was barely out of my teens. The new T, I feel like she's kind of cold and doesn't want to get too close to me.
  5. Now I'm kind of butthurt about my new T's response to the whole thing. Instead talking through my feelings and being compassionate and comforting about it, her whole attitude was just like " move on already". She even used the example of another client at the clinic who had seen a therapist there for 20 years and that client has borderline too and she's moved on faster and easier then me. My new T also said she has never cried when a client has left nor given them a card. That was something I liked about the old T. Her compassion and empathy and I could really talk to her. The new T is very by-the-book I think they are using clinical toughness to make me finally look at the real problems in my life ( my situation with my old T not being one of them, since she wasn't actually " in my life" and in doing so making me face my disorder. It just kind of feels cold and sad and even colder and sadder that my ex T turned out to be more like my new T and my case manager then I thought. I'm not having good luck with therapists.
  6. Just thought I'd update my post I went to go see my newish T today. She doesn't want to hear anymore about my old T. My old T has not asked her about me, just like she hasn't asked my case manager. I'm just supposed to move on. I guess it is easier for therapists to terminate even with a long term client then it is for the client. I have no choice but to not care anymore about weather or not she cared or still does care about me. I guess I must move on for my own sake. Still kind of hurts and hurts even more to be told by professionals that I am weird for caring about this. whatever.
  7. I don't know exactly. The place I go to is pretty strict with boundaries. I'm pretty sure most, if not all of the clients there do not have any contact at all with their T after they leave. Or maybe they do. It used to be a very severe population that went there, but now I think a lot of people go there that are much more high-functioning. Also like I said, I have had major transference issues with her for the past decade and a half. Maybe the staff I see there now thinks it is in my best interest to not contact her at all again ever, even by letter delivered to her office. My negative self talk is telling me it is because she doesn't like me though.
  8. 1) I have a weird case of SZA. I was diagnosed with it at 19 but I previously had a diagnosis of Paranoid Schizophrenia since I was 15. I was also diagnosed with BPD at 19. From everything I have heard having both diagnoses at the same time is sort of rare, a past Pdoc told me that, but I'm not sure if it's true. My diagnosis of SZA went away for a few years I was just diagnosed as depressed in my 20's. Then I started to have major insomnia issues. I starting getting depressed again plus supposedly paranoid and delusional. So now again I have a SZA diagnosis. 2) I don't have hallucinations at all. I have non-bizarre delusions and relationship related transient paranoia. I honestly feel like both are more BPD related. For example, most of my delusions over the years have come from obsessive thoughts and behaviors regarding other people, usually other women that show me any positive attention at all. For example for a couple years I thought my therapist was in love with me and we were spiritually connected. I often times think people are in a conspiracy to exclude me and that other people are laughing at me. I don't think people are watching me, the people on TV are talking to me, people are taking thoughts out of my brain, the FBI is after me, I am Jesus, or anything. I don't hear voices or see things that aren't there. I have a hard time grasping reality " as is" though. I am constantly overthinking things.
  9. Does anyone else with BPD or another personality disorder do this? Recently I had an old friend contact me via Facebook and later text. at first I was very interested in talking to him. He used to tease and put me down a lot when I knew him. It was almost enthralling to have him tell me he actually thought I was pretty and think I am even prettier now. I spent the first several days texting with him for hours. But after a week of constant text I started to feel annoyed. Instead of setting up boundaries I shut down all together and stopped answering his texts completely. I tend to do this with people. I crave attention from others and then when I have it, unless I really put that person up on a pedestal, I shut down and get annoyed. Sometimes I call off friendships and shut down for days alone in my apartment. Sometimes I feel like invest too much into others and then at the first slight I shut down and pull away from them. Lately I haven't been on Facebook because I got frustrated with it. I felt like people either messaged me way too much or not enough. I felt like the people who messaged me too much weren't the people I wanted to do that, and the people who didn't give my posts and/or messaged me were the ones I wanted to reconnect with. I just feel let down by other people a lot. Or I feel like others are intruding on my boundaries and I get stressed, then annoyed and then I shut them off completely. Does anyone else relate to this?
  10. I don't have impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting I used to binge eat, go on spending sprees and have unsafe sex, and I cut a little. This mostly all went away as I got older actually I have found that several of the symptoms have lessened as I am in my 30's now.
  11. Thanks for your response Melissa-- Yes hopefully my T will call as soon as she is back in the office and we can reschedule for as soon as possible. I can't image going until next Friday with this in my head-- plus I'm going through some other stuff too in my personal life. In the meanwhile I took your advice and I wrote down in my journal every little thing I wanted to ask my new(ish) T about the whole situation with the old T and wrote my old T a letter to read to my new T explaining everything tryp-- thank you so much for your well thought out answer. I really meant a lot to me that you could relate. I was feeling so alone in this. I thought I knew the old T pretty well and could say that this goes against most of what I knew of how she thought throughout our therapy. She knew very much that I desperately struggled with acceptance and knowing I was cared for and her final letter to me indicated that. She even wrote " I know that your illness makes it hard for you to believe and trust me... please push those thoughts aside. I care very deeply for you and will continue to do so." Unfortunately I wasn't always kind to her throughout my therapy and didn't respect boundaries. I feel like maybe she left really thinking I was too hard to deal with and was secretly glad to get rid of me as a client. I don't think I always made her job easy but I'd like to think that the slow progress I did make with my BPD was at least sometimes rewarding for her. I feel like she kept me as a client for 15 years because she felt like I might turn violent or it might upset me to let me go. Maybe that is just my negative self-talk talking to me Unfortunately everyone I have spoken to at the clinic I go to has indicated that I shouldn't ever try to reach out to her again. That is another thing that hurts. If I was a therapist I would at least love to get future updates from a long -term client. Everyone there has indicated that I shouldn't do that. That it is just my " transference issues" that make me want to give her future updates or any sort of professional contact and it would be best if I just moved on with my life and sort of forgot she was even my therapist for 15 years. Unfortunately in the end my need to over need her approval, over want her to care about me and my attachment to her and transference issues that keep me from ever having any possible future contact with her-- ironically a client who needed that less she might have inquired about, or could have future professional contact with her... I don't know.
  12. Was going to ask my new therapist today but she's out with the flu. I'll have to wait until next week. Worst week ever to cancel. I've been having angry thoughts at the old therapist all this week. I'm picturing her closing that door on our final session last year and as soon as that door is closed no longer caring or interested at all in my well being. I feel totally lied to especially hurtful because she knew I struggled with her caring about me during those 15 years.
  13. Thank you for your answer Rosie, I am going to talk to my ( newish) therapist about this on Friday. Really? Well thank you for your answer Gearhead, this puts a whole new spin on things. Yes, I live in the states... I didn't know it was illegal. So, if she knows not to ask my new therapist anything because she legally won't be able to give her any answers, that would put my mind at ease, and offer an explanation. I would love to believe that it's just a professional boundary on her part and not because she lied and told me she would still " think about me and wonder how I am doing". what exactly do you mean by illegal and where does it say that?
  14. I'm writing about this on crazyboards because I'm not sure where else to go about it, although it might sound a little crazy to some. I recently ( less then a year ago) terminated with a therapist had been seeing for close to 15 years. I had and still have very deep transference issues towards her. I cared about what she thought about me a lot, and constantly asked her if she cared. When we ended she gave me a card that told me how much she cared about me, how much she will continue to care about me, etc. She still works at the same clinic I saw her at, but only as an intern supervisor. She told me, since she will still work there, that she will ask my case manager for updates on how I am doing. She also promised me two phone calls at the beginning of my sessions with my new therapist to make sure the transition was going smoothly for me. Anyways, it has now been almost 10 months since we terminated. I never received any phone calls from her. I thought " well I'm sure she has her reasons, but surly she's asked about me" so I asked both my case manager and my new therapist if she's asked about me since the termination. Like asked how I was doing, anything. Nope. Nothing. I'm starting to doubt that she really cared about me. I mean, she's not even curious at all to how I'm doing? I'm wondering if anyone can weigh in what other reasons she might have for not asking about me. Would it be a break in confidentiality for her to ask someone in my new treatment team if I am okay? Or maybe she never really cared, everything in that card was just a lie. I'm about to rip that card up and clear out of my head that this woman ever cared about me. I feel super depressed about it too. I feel like I based 15 years on a lie. I feel like with that card I actually had tangible proof that she cared despite years of not believing her. I feel lied to.
  15. I just want to say I'm not jealous either Tryp in a bad way, I think its cool your last T doc lets you have contact with her. I'm probably just tripping out that the last T doc " hates me". I asked her twice if we could keep in contact afterwards, but since i have transference issues ( ?) or the policy or her personal preference whatever she just said the first time " I don't know I have never done this before, I want what's best for you" The second time I brought something up was at the last session, I stupidly/half jokingly said " well maybe in 10 years would could catch up and have a beer together and see a concert" ( because we are both into indie/punk music) and she just smiled and laughed and joked back " yeah whatever bands are around in 10 years", So, I mean, I don't know... we'll see though I doubt it. And Blurred, I know you'll find that therapist soon where you guys have a satisfying relationship and termination. I think it might be a little different because you see male T's. I haven't ever had a male T, maybe they are less emotional ( some of them) when terminating? Just saying? not trying to stereotype here, hope no one with a male T gets mad at me, I could be wrong.
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