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  1. bipolarbrains

    DC Outing

    11 April '13
  2. don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened!

  3. I have been sleeping about 12 hours/ night most of the time for 9 months now and staying up way too late most nights to the point of exhaustion. Sleeping 11-8 every day sounds like a good ultimate goal to have. How do I start? Gradually? Cold turkey? How to convince myself to stick with it? (Note: I usually don't get into a better mood until the evening, and at that point it's hard for me to want to go to bed knowing how hard the next morning will be. Motivating myself to have a good sleep schedule is extremely difficult bc I have only very infrequent obligations outside the house that require me to be up at a certain time. Yes, I really have myself in a horrible rut. )
  4. Hey guys, please comment on my Paint Creations Album!!

    1. Phoenix_Rising


      very cool paintings. Love the one of girl eating with chopsticks

    2. bpladybug


      I like Gethsemane a lot

    3. bipolarbrains
  5. Giving some local support groups a try this week...needing to bring myself out of isolation

  6. Logically, I fully understand, but for some reason I just get this feeling of being artificial sometimes. It's just a feeling, and one that I should learn to cope with. I have in the past tried to quit meds twice, with disastrous consequences...like, 2-week mental hospital stay disastrous. That's when I knew I was kind of in it for life. I am generally a pretty happy person now that I am compliant on meds, but sometimes feeling like I need them drives me NUTS. ((btw I love the smilies on these forums...apologies if I overuse them!)) I think I understand the feeling, Katamaran. I want authentic happiness, not a drug-induced one. Even in the midst of feeling ok, there is always the thought in the back of my head that it's just the ativan making me feel calm. That doesn't make me have a better sense of well-being about my life. If anything, it worries me more.
  7. I'm sorry for what you have gone through. This is very well-said, though. My depression has crippled me so much that I can't create for myself the kind of life that would ever make me not depressed.
  8. I used to LOVE life. I used to be freakin VIBRANT, MOTIVATED, CREATIVE, full of FAITH in God, well known for just how "good a head I have on my shoulders." Full scholarship student to college, accepted to medical school, world traveler, multi-lingual, musician, funny and witty with those who knew me well although I was socially awkward...I used to be a role model. This is what gets me more than anything else. It's how far I've fallen. It's how FAR my current life is from what my STELLAR expectations were. Then I had to drop out of med school because of a psychotic manic episode. Was crawling along for 8 months with some anger and mild depression, but I always knew in the back of my mind I would be ok. Then in June I nearly attempted suicide, completely lost all hope in life. Stopped eating. Forced into a 2-week hospitalization by my parents where I was put on a cocktail of useless, wicked-powerful meds. Since then I've picked up an eating disorder, screwed up my physical health and lost all self-respect. Every. Single. Day. Has been a battle since June. Because the old me and my old life has been destroyed. Even when I get myself in an okay mood, I feel like I'm just escaping reality for a few minutes. My future is bleak. Very long story though.
  9. I feel you on this one. I can't stand living like this. Yet I have no ability to stick to a plan consistently.
  10. Interesting...I was on Haldol for only about 2 weeks while IP. Do you think this could still be a reason that I have not had my period 4 months later? I am also on lithium 300 mg and ativan 2x/day.
  11. Hello, I would love to hear from (especially chat w/ and PM w/) people who have recovered from deep depression that swallowed up their every hope for ever recovering. I'm in my 5th month of this pit and every new month I am surprised I am still alive. I would especially love to hear from people who are Bipolar (I) and had to deal with unbearable psychotic episodes and what feels like cognitive decline, alienation or lack of understanding, even taunting from relatives, and even dealing with one's own overwhelming guilt and shame when one has given up on trying in life and just sits by and watches the train wreck itself piece by piece. I have been pretty resistant to taking steps toward real and lasting recovery due to believing that my body had simply broken down too much (I may be suffering from some sort of chronic inflammatory condition that is making it unbearable to live in any part of my body, have been since June) or degraded and that I could never be healthy again. Health has been everything to me for the past 4 years after I recovered from my first major episode by eating healthy, having faith, and exercising. I also was 20 years old and in denial that I was really Bipolar, thinking that maybe I had gone manic/psychotic due to a roofied drink or moldy old apartment I was living in or something of that nature. Unexpectedly 2 days ago, I got a phone call from an acquaintance checking up on me. At first I was annoyed, and expected to have a polite, distant conversation that barely touched upon how bad I was doing. We ended up talking for more than 3 hours as I explained in detail the past 6 months of my extreme despair and overwhelm. She listened to every word carefully and with concerned, and expressed alarm at how horrible the things were I was going through. In the past several months even the 2 people I consider my best friends haven't been as understanding as she was. They have never felt like throwing in the towel on life, and they seemed to feel uncomfortable, confused, and concerned at best, but not understanding or able to offer me any advice that was meaningful to me. Anyways, she really struck a chord with me, told me she had experienced some of the very same things, and didn't automatically say "you're going to be fine" like everybody else, but she shared in my deep sadness and sense of loss with me. I want to add to my arsenal of people who can truly help me pick myself up--I can't live an abandoned life anymore. I was close to doing something stupid to myself a few days ago when by chance I met some really great people on the chat here. I thought I would take advantage of this rare hopeful moment and reach out. Because giving up is NOT an option and I have been treating it like a friend for too long now. A way out, a way to rest and peace and ending my nightmare...but that is all a deception. I know the horror it would create to my family and friends, and my own soul. Yet I had gotten to the point where I didn't even WANT to stop those thoughts. Has anyone experienced this? What scares me most is my self-abusive behavior in the past few months. Loading up my body with the worst kinds of foods, at first out of compulsion and despair, unable to stop myself...later, at times, more cooly and calculatingly binging to maybe speed up my body's natural process of dying (which is crazy bc I'm only 24), leaving me just feeling extremely sick and guilty and idiotic. But I don't want to give myself chronic health problems :/ Picking my cuticles and dead skin around my fingers til they are raw. Anyways, let me know if you think you can help me. On shaky ground here. <3 bpb
  12. I just thought I would update y'all that I (hesitatingly) think I'm making some progress! The progress doesn't always last very long and sometimes I dive down into an even deeper depression/fear/panic afterwards. The key for me seems to be ativan. I seem to be in a constant state of anxiety and even anger most days, but taking ativan seems to lift my mood a little and allows me to think a little more logically. I had a cat scan done last thursday and got the results back yesterday. I had been having non-stop thoughts of despair, throwing in the towel, self loathing, and self-harm for weeks. I was even convinced that no matter what the cat scan showed it wouldn't matter, they couldn't possibly pick up all the subtle things wrong with my body, the disgusting ways it has transformed (in my mind at least) over the past 4 months. I was half expecting the scan to show that absolutely nothing was wrong. If that had happened, I was seriously considering...not being alive anymore bc I couldn't stand the thought of it all being in my head and having no sympathy or help from any friends/family/anyone in the medical community. I had already heard enough that I was delusional and "not dying" and that I looked great (which particularly pissed me off bc I felt like I was on death's door). I had been struggling with feelings of being outside the human race. Like I was a freak. Like I was dying. Feelings of anger that I would never be happy or experience the things that I see people doing in movies and on TV (or that I see my friends doing on Facebook for that matter). Like no one will ever understand or accept my craziness. Anyways, results are that I have a "mildly distended" ileum, a significant amount of gas, a narrowed sphincter in my colon, and some free fluid (whatever that means) in the cul-de-sac. This is surprisingly satisfying for me to see on paper. Bc it explains the weird fluid I felt floating around in my gut and the stretched out, painful, almost ripping feelings after eating or drinking. So, this does not solve the problem, but it brings me back to reality concerning my body. Sure, I f***ed things up a bit by binge eating over the past 4 months. That's clear. But part of the binging was due to despair that nobody thought there was anything wrong with me, or that I was somehow psychotically imagining it all (which was inconceivable to me). I am ashamed to say that even after getting the report I stuffed my face to the point of sickness yesterday and today. I seem to be dependent on the high that food gives me at least once an hour . But I'm finding myself for the first time in months having a glimmer of hope that I never thought was possible. Sure, I still feel like shit. But at least I have some concrete test results based in reality. I know that my organs are good, my blood tests are good (except for slightly low vitamin D), and that I am not imminently dying. My next step is making amends with my God for being so stubbornly doubtful and defiant and angry and my family for the hell I have been putting them through. Healing from my terribly, horrifyingly dark, extremely traumatizing thoughts. And trying to make it through one day without binge eating. One day at a time. Words of encouragement and advice on how to do this would be greatly appreciated!!!
  13. talking to people who understand is a breath of fresh air...

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