Wonderful.Cheese

Thanks for the suggestion. I appreciate it. I'll take any help I can get. So I thank you. Yes. It's true. I do wonder about how my clozaril trial was handled but that's a whole different story.

Everything I hear is nasty to me right now. Or scary threatening. Messages too. The threatening is worse because I get anxious because of it. And I’m pretty damn anxious right now. I’m worried. About everyone. About myself. I hear I’m going to die very soon. And everyone else I love will too. What I’m understanding from the universe is devastating news. What do I do? I can’t handle this. Please what do I do?

Is zyprexa going to kill me? I think so. But I’ll be dead without it too. I’m SOL. I’m having a hard time making myself take it. I don’t know what’s right here. What’s the right answer or choice? Is there one? My pdoc certainly doesn’t seem to know. I just feel doomed. (Sorry, I know I’m annoying)

TW sex talk and rape . . . . . I was raped and I guess it harmed me somewhat, or maybe more than I tend to think. Because I’ve been trying to kill anything sexual in me feelings wise ever since. (REMOVED TMI) I never want to feel aroused ever again. How do I destroy my arousal feelings for good?

Is it safe to travel outside my state? Husband and I always take a small trip on our wedding anniversary. It’s our 10 year anniversary this year. Not a good time for pictures as we will be wearing masks all the time. I don’t feel like it’s the right time to do this scenic trip we half planned. I think postpone but husband will “do whatever I feel comfortable doing.” Would you travel? I think it would be more enjoyable if we didn’t have to worry about masks and COVID. Assuming that COVID is going away.

I saw my pdoc today for 12 minutes (half of which was eaten up by useless info gathering) and asked her about using zyprexa and if it was ok long term. Well she wasn’t reassuring and she skirted around my questions. She basically said “um...zyprexa is a medicine we use sometimes. If bad side effects pop up then we have to treat them....“ I don’t want to be on it. But I go so very crazy without it. I feel like I’m going to die soon either way. With or without it. What am I supposed to do? I don’t see her for 6 weeks now again.

@Catnapper The longest I've seen one tdoc is probably 3 years? I'm 36. She was my first tdoc out of my first and longest stay at a state hospital. I was miserable with her. She only did DBT and that was her only training apparently. DBT did not help me in any way whatsoever. YMMV. I saw another great tdoc for maybe 2 years. She was great a calming me down. We mostly just talked and learned more coping type skills. And reminded me of said coping skills. Now I am seeing my current tdoc now and have been seeing her for about a year. I like my current one. We are more goal focused with check ins mixed in for coping techniques. This works well. I need focus on my goals for motivation (or rather my lack of motivation, non existent motivation). I should mention I first saw the first two tdocs at a county clinic. My current tdoc is private so I hope to see her for a longer period of time. Although it is more expensive to see the private tdoc. The county clinic no longer offers individual therapy for MI only patients, unfortunately. It was hard to find a tdoc who would take me on with my SZA diagnosis. My current tdoc is good. Not 100% as she probably doesn't see many patients with psychosis, but she's good.

Pdoc appointment in about a half hour now. I'm pretty nervous. I wrote a few notes down. But I'm still nervous.

Sorry.

@Arj72 I recently tried to go off zyprexa due to being pre diabetic. My pdoc didn’t even titrate me off of it. Just cold turkey stopped taking it. I lasted not long. I was batshit crazy. It was bad. I also had a throbbing headache most days. And I never really get headaches. I slept horribly too. I also felt this restless drive but I couldn’t do anything but lay in bed I felt so tortured by voices and more. I had some diarrhea but I have IBS D so that is normal for me. No other med gives me the clarity and stabilization like zyprexa does. I’m scared of becoming diabetic but scared of being institutionalized or worse (dead). So I need to stay on it. I am exercising so I hope I can get out of the pre diabetic zone. I was exercising before COVID and I was not pre diabetic. So I hope this can be reversed. I oddly am losing weight very slowly on zyprexa. I wish you all the best. I hope you can find mental wellness. Things aren’t perfect for me but it’s quite miraculous how fast things got better once I restarted my zyprexa dose. I was interested in the capytla (sp?) too. Until I heard it was activating. I need a good strong sedating med on board. At least one. Good luck with that new med. I hear it has a good side effect profile for people with schizophrenia disorders. Just rumors I’ve heard. So take it with a grain of salt.

A psychiatrist when I was IP told me zyprexa was my miracle drug back when I was basically in and out of IP because I was so severely sick. That’s funny you say miracle drug! It’s definitely my miracle drug. I fall to pieces without it. I literally decompensate within a week. I hear voices telling me to do hateful things to myself and get messages from the universe and worse. I can’t even hold a single thought for one second. It’s torture. Yes, I find it very calming. And I sleep better. I am not “disorganized” as my team’s psychologist put it. The messages and voices I can handle better. I’ve only been manic one time since being on it for a year and a half now. And even then, my mania was less severe. I take 20 mg zyprexa daily and have up to 10 mg as needed, so I can take 30 mg daily if needed. I need to exercise though. I got pre diabetic because I have stopped exercising because my gym is closed due to COVID. I need to do at home workouts. Ymmv of course but zyprexa can cause these problems sometimes. Just something to discuss with your dr about. Personally, I have lost weight on it. It is my miracle med and I hope it helps you tons too!

Interesting about the spoon theory. Thanks for the explanation. That helps! That makes sense to me even though I agree with you about it being weird/odd that they chose spoons as the "object" of choice. It does seem kind of dumb, I agree! That is interesting too! I guess we all have our strengths and weaknesses. I'm glad you love driving and cooking. I don't follow my planner too well, more of a guide or list of what I want to get done. I have moderate success with it. But it definitely helps me for sure. As do my 22 different colorful pens. Every color you can think of I own. They really help I swear. I was able to make an emergency appointment with my tdoc for thursday afternoon. I am very thankful for this. I will write down your thought about feeling bad because I can't do as much as I want. I think my tdoc could help with this too. Thank you!

My mind is incredibly unwell. I don’t know if I’ll ever get better again.