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About Wonderful.Cheese

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    Cheddar makes everything better!

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    Cheese (lol), Internet, music, knitting, crocheting, crafts in general, trying to go to the gym

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  1. I take you and your words seriously. I think all you have done and what you are doing is highly commendable considering how completely awful you feel and have felt. If it helps, from what I’ve seen here you are not a bad person at all. You are a good person who struggles greatly with MI. I empathize though. I feel *evil* as heck currently. I have no advice for the class. I had to drop out 6 credits shy of a degree. I understand that feeling of barely holding on. Are you registered with disability services? Can you contact your treatment team for more help? Like med or therapy wise? I think that’s best. Or the ER if need be.
  2. Thanks mikl for the good advice as always. In your opinion, is Prozac a good option at all? I know it’s paired with zyprexa sometimes and was called symbyax? Or would loxapine be best? Thanks for all the help.
  3. Thanks blah. I did just split my nuvigil dose up as per my sleep dr prescribed. I don’t know if that will help. I am hesitant to increase the klonopin because I don’t want to be tired and I also fear I’m on too high of a dose anyway. I’m sorry. I sound so negative. All I am is negative energy. I’m so sorry.
  4. Thanks mikl. Yes I believe it is psychotic depression. It’s taken on a new level of its own. I can ask for loxapine. I worry about TD very badly. But I’m desperate. Is loxapine bad for TD? Can I ask you? I also wonder if my pdoc went too rapidly up on the clozapine and overshot the dose. I don’t know at what point/dose my WBC went high and she worried about that in addition to the excessive drooling interfering with my CPAP machine. I don’t know if it would be worth revisiting or if she’d even let me. I don’t know if it’s worth it ether. Thanks so much looking. I appreciate it.
  5. Thanks argh. I’m on 2 anticonvulsant meds. I could ask about raising lamictal. But I don’t feel it does anything for me? Without nuvigil I sleep all day and night. I’m scared as hell to return to that. I can’t live that way. I have been on it for 5 years without it causing issues I believe anyway. And my sleep dr just agreed to split the dose for me. Today is first real day of trying it out. Pregabalin is an idea. I can ask about loxapine in low dose. It does scare me very much. But this way of life is also very scary. I have briefly briefly tried lithium. Took a bad OD of it and nearly died. After that no pdoc has really mentioned prescribing it for me again. I think they are worried about another OD possibility.
  6. Thanks saint. Yes. My pdoc went up rapidly on the dose. I’m not sure if that’s why I failed it or not. But I had severe excessive drooling. I also paradoxically had a high WBC instead of a low one. I am an oddball I guess. But it kept going up with each dose increase and when I got off clozapine my WBC went back to normal. Also, the cost of blood work and the cost of the weekly pill fills were quite pricey. But at this point I could care less if it worked, I’d make a way for us to afford it. But I and my pdoc were worried about the WBC highness. I don’t know if she overshot the dose and I could have been fine on a lower one and had no high WBC and less drooling. But I also use a CPAP so the drooling was a major issue with using that. I don’t know if it’s worth revisiting at a much lower dose?
  7. Yes, that mythical “good tdoc.” I’m sorry you have such a bad time lately with ruminations and that they won’t let up. Ugh. I’ve had my share of bad tdocs and case managers and pdocs even. I get it. I hope the anger about the bad tdocs and ruminations ease up ASAP for you.
  8. I currently take the following: Abilify 30 mg, Zyprexa Zydis 20 mg, Lamictal 300 mg, Klonopin 3 mg, Nuvigil 200 mg, Synthroid 50 mcg, Yaz, Metformin 2,000 mg, Topamax 200 mg, Flonase I’m in desperate need of help. I can’t handle life. Stress. Anything. I had a traumatic experience with husband having cancer and now every cough or sniffle he makes completely panics me to the bone to the point of total consumption. I worry incessantly over his health. I don’t have a life or sense of self anymore. I’ve lost myself. I don’t enjoy anything or have anything or anyone in my life besides husband. I don’t treat people like they deserve to be treated. I’m a bad person. I do bad things to people. I just want to not wake up. I’m so exhausted. I go to bed wishing for death. I see pdoc in 3 days. Can anything be done med wise? I don’t care if I die early. I don’t care if I’m numbed out completely. I’m thinking of asking for a 3rd AP again. Yes. I’m that bad off/crazy/losing it. I don’t care if it kills me. I don’t deserve to be alive anyway. Anything to stop the incessant worry and ruminations.
  9. The worst possible thing imaginable, that’s what I am. I don’t deserve air. I can’t treat anyone the way they deserve to be treated in my life. I’m too crazy for anything and everything and anyone. I’m so tired.
  10. I helped clean and pack and the works to get my Grandma’s apartment ready for the final walk through. She is moving to an assisted living facility. It was a lot of work and there was some family drama (of course.....isn’t that to be expected? ), but we got it all done!
  11. Hey, anytime! I’m very happy I made you feel proud and good! You brightened my night up a lot by saying that! You do accomplish great things! And you should be proud of all your accomplishments given how greatly you struggle! I think you do damn good given how much MI monsters you have to battle on a daily basis! Keep fighting the good fight, as they say!
  12. And some would say, "oh he is so lucky to be able to care for a pet! I'd give anything to be able to function enough to do that." It's all in perspective. Yes, some members here fight like hell daily to keep their jobs. I mean, they fight so damn hard you have absolutely no idea. They struggle daily and a lot of the time work is the only battle they do/accomplish the whole day. It's definitely a huge strain and they are warriors. And yeah, this isn't a crazee contest either. We all have our MI monsters to battle just like you do. With better and worse days. Some can work but that does not mean they struggle any less. So keep that in mind when posting here.
  13. I cause all the negative energy in my world and in the entire world. Bad things happen because of me. I don’t deserve to be alive. I shouldn’t have survived. I’m to blame. It all makes sense now.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. CrazyRedhead


      That's not true, Cheese.....You are a valued member here. and you do deserve to be alive.

    3. CrazyRedhead


      And you deserve to be here, too, DJ.

    4. Cerberus


      Cheese, I hope you're able to look back at this status update a few days later with greater perspective and see not just that it isn't true, but why it could never be true. No individual has the capability of causing all the bad things in the entire world. It is a physical, logical impossibility. No matter how much your illness may send you critical thoughts, that basic truth cannot change. So, if the illness is lying to you about that, it's lying to you about the rest of it, too. You do deserve to be alive, just like the rest of us, and you're not to blame for anything. Every time a negative thought like that passes through your mind, no matter how much like your own thoughts it sounds, train yourself to say, THAT IS A LIE. And then reject the lie. It can be done.

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