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Wonderful.Cheese

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Status Updates posted by Wonderful.Cheese

  1. By golly, I’m going to go to the gym alone today (a major feat for me). Nervous though. 

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. mikl_pls

      mikl_pls

      Yay! Congrats cheese! I haven't been to the gym in over a year and now I have fatty liver. Ugh! I need to get to the gym and get my ass back on that diet.

    3. Wonderful.Cheese
    4. echolocation

      echolocation

      that's fantastic, cheese!! i'm really proud of you!

  2. Currently panicking and can't stop crying. I don't want husband to die.e I think I'm the one hwo should die, nto him. What if the cancer spreads again? Is it only a matter of time?!

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. saintalto

      saintalto

      Is the cancer back? I think I may have missed your journal entry...

    3. Wonderful.Cheese

      Wonderful.Cheese

      No. Thank goodness the cancer is not back. Just panicking about things. Sorry if I was unclear.  

    4. saintalto

      saintalto

      It's okay, nothing to be sorry for. 

  3. My WBC is back to normal because I’m practically off the clozapine! Good news! I don’t need to see a specialist! Yay!

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. aura

      aura

      What a relief!

    3. jt07

      jt07

      That's great news, Cheese!

    4. echolocation

      echolocation

      excellent! i'm so glad to hear that coming off of it is already starting to benefit in some ways. :) 

  4. Very nervous for my pdoc appointment. I have to leave now for it. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Juniper29

      Juniper29

      I hope it went well!

    3. Blahblah

      Blahblah

      How'd it go Cheese, any updates? Hope all is OK?

    4. Wonderful.Cheese

      Wonderful.Cheese

      Thank you all for the support. I will update in my blog. 

  5. My pdoc cancelled on me last minute today. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Wonderful.Cheese

      Wonderful.Cheese

      Thanks guys. I got in about a week and a half later. So not horrible but also not ideal when doing a big med change. Hmm

    3. mmaryland

      mmaryland

      Would your psychiatrist at least talk to you on the phone briefly, just to see how the meds are working/not working and if minor adjustments in med dosages are necessary. At the end of the day. you know yourself better than anybody. I would suggest staying on the dosage and not do anything "big" with your cocktail. Too often in mental health treatment you have to step up and be your own psychiatrist. do your own thorough research, and pay attention/note any changes in behavior/thinking/mood etc. I think you got this!!

    4. Geek

      Geek

      I'm so sorry Cheese :(

  6. I swear the Bluetooth speaker on our counter has a camera and audio recording device inside of it. It came from a certain store that I do not trust. I’ve told husband this before and he just unplugged it. I don’t even have privacy in my own home! I just want to trash it! 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. coraline

      coraline

      I sometimes think my phone is listening to me..

      It will suddenly come on and have on the screen saying ok Google is listening..if I have it near me..

      It freaks me out..so I keep it in the other room..

      I can relate to to what you're going through..

      The fear..

      I try to convince myself that my head is messing with me..

      Or try to figure out a way to make me feel safer..

      Like how you are unplugging your device..

      I know how hard it is to convince ourselves that it is a malfunction in our thinking..

      But I do believe that's what it is..

      But do whatever that makes you feel better..

    3. echolocation

      echolocation

      is there a place in the house you could put it where it can't bother you? do you have a basement or an attic, or a closet nobody goes into much? 

      i hope you feel better when you wake up. nobody should have to feel unsafe in their own home.

    4. Geek

      Geek

      Could you put something over top of it? Like a big mixing bowl?

  7. I cause all the negative energy in my world and in the entire world. Bad things happen because of me. I don’t deserve to be alive. I shouldn’t have survived. I’m to blame. It all makes sense now.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. CrazyRedhead

      CrazyRedhead

      That's not true, Cheese.....You are a valued member here. and you do deserve to be alive.

    3. CrazyRedhead

      CrazyRedhead

      And you deserve to be here, too, DJ.

    4. Cerberus

      Cerberus

      Cheese, I hope you're able to look back at this status update a few days later with greater perspective and see not just that it isn't true, but why it could never be true. No individual has the capability of causing all the bad things in the entire world. It is a physical, logical impossibility. No matter how much your illness may send you critical thoughts, that basic truth cannot change. So, if the illness is lying to you about that, it's lying to you about the rest of it, too. You do deserve to be alive, just like the rest of us, and you're not to blame for anything. Every time a negative thought like that passes through your mind, no matter how much like your own thoughts it sounds, train yourself to say, THAT IS A LIE. And then reject the lie. It can be done.

  8. I am feeling a little better this morning. 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. amianthus

      amianthus

      This is good to hear. :) I hope the rest of your day is better too.

    3. dragonfly23
    4. lifequake

      lifequake

      Hope your day/eve were better, too.

  9. Finally back home from an IP stay!

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Wonderful.Cheese

      Wonderful.Cheese

      I am feeling so much better! Thanks CynicalReality!

    3. yarnandcats

      yarnandcats

      yay! glad you're back home!

    4. Brokendishes

      Brokendishes

      Welcome back Cheese! Hope you're feeling better :)

  10. Very nervous. Panicky. About to to go the rehearsal dinner for the wedding.

  11. I’m sorry. I’m just a burden. And I don’t want to bring people down. No one can help me. No pdoc or tdoc. The worry and messages aren’t going away even after this pandemic. 

    1. Juniper29

      Juniper29

      You're not a burden. ❤️

    2. dancesintherain

      dancesintherain

      you'r'e not a burden cheese.  hang in there. 

    3. Unstrung Harp

      Unstrung Harp

      You're one of the brightest spots around here for me, Cheese. You're not a burden.

  12. I’m hungry. I don’t ever get nutrition when husband is working. I don’t cook for myself. No motivation, etc.

    1. confused

      confused

      I have my husband pick up packaged food, fruit and microwaveables  I have trouble fixing meals,  sometimes I have cereal for dinner.

    2. Wonderful.Cheese

      Wonderful.Cheese

      Cereal is often my dinner too. I understand. 

    3. saintalto

      saintalto

      Can you buy some healthy snacks to feed you during the day that don’t take preperation? Perhaps little bags of nuts, nutrition bars, or fresh fruit etc...?

  13. I  know who is stalking me online. I hope she can find some inner peace instead of just lashing out at people who have “wronged” her long ago. 

    As for me, I’ve come too far and I don’t let people walk all over me anymore or take advantage of me anymore. I’ve gotten stronger. I hope for her sake that she can grow stronger too.

    1. coraline

      coraline

      I hope you're not getting stalked..

      It's a scary thought if you are and I hope it's not true..

    2. coraline

      coraline

      @Mousse 

      Cheese has worried and believed someone was stalking her for as long as I have known cheese..

      I think it's dismissive to say that someone that believes something to be true..

      Is doing something to get a rise out of people..

      We are here to support each other..not fight or belittle each others beliefs..

    3. Geek

      Geek

      You have been concerned about being stalked for a long time. Whether it's actually happening or not, I don't/can't know and it really doesn't matter. The fear and anxiety you have is real and I am so glad you're feeling safer and stronger!

  14. I have been laying here crying my eyes out for the past hour. I hate being depressed. I also thought I was getting better too. What a let down.

    1. rowan77

      rowan77

      Sorry you're feeling so low. Hope you feel a bit better soon

    2. Wonderful.Cheese

      Wonderful.Cheese

      Thanks for the perspective guys! I really appreciate it!

  15. Should I do the PHP thing or not? I'm really stuck. 

    1. survivingbp

      survivingbp

      I think it could be a really good idea! It's probably worth a try - if you really don't like it after a while, you can always drop out right?

    2. lifequake

      lifequake

      What would you do instead?  When my alternative was to stay in bed all day, alone, & depressed, I found PHP helpful. 

    3. Wonderful.Cheese

      Wonderful.Cheese

      Thanks guys. I didn't get a call about PHP from my team today but just realized it's a holiday and the clinic is closed.

      I am supposed to see case manager tomorrow. But I doubt that will actually happen.

      But I'm super nervous to do PHP again. I don't want to do it but probably should. But I've been through it all before. Meh. My meds are fine and I already get a lot of therapy. I prob don't need it. Idk. Sorry for rambling. 

  16. Tempted to delete my Facebook aka “Fakebook” account. So much garbage. Even my posts are fake “happiness” and “smiles”.

    1. Blahblah

      Blahblah

      I hear you...It's garbage for the mind. But I'm sort of addicted still, I'd need to find something worthwhile to replace it with.

    2. Unstrung Harp

      Unstrung Harp

      Yep. I know what you mean. I find myself posting silly things or whatever when my life feels like crap, and ask myself why I'm doing it. Loneliness maybe? But I keep in touch with a lot of family and old friends that way, so I hesitate to delete. Sabbaticals are nice though.

    3. jarn

      jarn

      I deleted mine in October and I thought I'd feel lost without it - I spent a lot of time on FB - but honestly it's the best thing I've ever done.  I likely will lose touch with some people, but the people who I really have relationships with we've found ways to stay in touch.

  17. Calmer today finally!

    1. dragonfly23

      dragonfly23

      That's wonderful, Wonderfull!

    2. cosima
  18. I don’t want to be anymore, but I cannot disappoint others anymore than I already have

    1. Geek

      Geek

      I’m sorry you’re feeling so badly. It’s awful to feel like that. 

      I can’t speak for others but you don’t disappoint me. ❤️

    2. Wonderful.Cheese

      Wonderful.Cheese

      Thanks my dear geek. You always know just what to say. ❤️

  19. My mood is the lowest it's been in a while.

    1. M@ri

      M@ri

      sorry to hear it, WC. i hope your mood lifts soon.

    2. Unstrung Harp
  20. Damn you anxiety!!!!

    1. aura

      aura

      Yes, damn anxiety indeed. Sorry you aren't feeling well.

    2. Wonderful.Cheese

      Wonderful.Cheese

      Thanks aura. You are so sweet. I appreciate it. Time for bed methinks. Goodnight!

  21. How do you go IP when you need it, but it’s been 3 years and you’re too weak and terrified to go there alone? 

    1. Butterflykisses

      Butterflykisses

      I stop thinking about it, get in the car, and drive there. Sometimes you just have to stop *thinking* and just do it...and it has saved my life multiple times..

    2. Unstrung Harp

      Unstrung Harp

      Cheese, sometimes you know and your care team doesn't see it. If you're in danger, go to the hospital. You're entitled to advocate for yourself.

  22. Omg I'm panicking over this pdoc appointment yikes. One hour....

    1. pinkfloydforeverlove
    2. mikl_pls

      mikl_pls

      You'll be fine! You made a bulleted list of what you wanted to do in your blog, so if you don't already have that written down on a piece of paper, I would bring that list in with you to your appointment so you don't forget if you get nervous or something. Best of luck to you! :)

  23. Feeling good for the first time in so long! I don't even remember the last time I felt good like this.

    1. tired tammy
    2. goddessone

      goddessone

      That makes me feel happy too!

  24. I need a shower. It’s been nearly a week. 

    1. echolocation

      echolocation

      i've been showering once/twice a week for quite a while now... it's sort of embarrassing how bad i am at showering even when i'm stable!

    2. CrazyRedhead

      CrazyRedhead

      @Wonderful.Cheeseand @echolocation, Here's an interesting fact about bathing/showering:  Medical science says you really only need 1-2 showers a week, unless you have a job where you get dirty, or you work out/exercise a lot:

      https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324682.php

      Even though it seems to be the social norm these days to take a shower daily, most people don't need to, and it may even be harming our health....Taking a shower every day washes off all the beneficial bacteria on your skin, and all the natural oils on your skin.

  25. Coming down from the mania a bit more! I think I'm improving a bit! :)

    1. San

      San

      Glad to hear it!

    2. jt07

      jt07

      I'm happy for you!

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