I had a rough day today. My life is very stressfull. I'm unemployeed and my wife is unemployeed due to health reasons that will not be fixed for several years. I'm looking for a job blah blah blah. Here's the thing I spent the first half of the day trying to figure out how not to lose my house and have me my girl my 2 cats and bulldog move in with the only relative that will take us in, half way around the country, I hadn't been doing so well all week but today was the worst.At some point I became more and more angry at myself for doing a terrible job at taking care of my sick wife(that's true not misguided bipolar thinking btw), for knowing i CAN'T handle moving from my house and finances and health etc. It's like all of that anger became directed inward and the self hatred was overwelhming. All I could do was think about killing myself, how I wasn't fit to be an adult because I can't handle a family or anything. That I should have already followed my grandfather's foot steps and killed myself by now. serious internal RAGE. Constant mental pictures of hitting myself in the ankles with a bat, stabbing my head with a knife but really it was more that I should kill myself. Then got even angrier because I have thought of suicide so many times but chickened out. So my wife wakes up from being in bed all day and wants dinner. She mentions she wants a salad. I know instantly I will not eat because I may be able to starve myself to death. I don't respond because I can't respond. She gets upset that I wont help her decide order dinner. She had no idea of how my day was going. I burst into tears and stayed in bed crying for a half hour. She eventually got me to come out and eat but...she wants to know what's wrong. If I tell her it's less likely I will hurt myself so I don't want to tell her. I want to end it have her get my big life insurance policy so she can be better taken care of than I can do.
So this is a first for my suicide ideation out of anger and self hatred. In the past it's been saddness or just wanting the bipolar episodes to stop because I knew even when they go away they will return. Do any of you ever feel this way out of anger and self hatred? Please don't tell me to get help etc. I have docs and meds and all that just freaked out that this happened.