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Penny Century

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  1. ugh. guy, this sounds like you're a walking roofie. joking is ok, but crossing lines and making people feel uncomfortable is not. don't be a jerk.
  2. Hey humanoid, I think the desire for symmetry is quite common. Probably a connection to OCDesque tendencies, a comfort it it. Like Wooster said. I used to always cut on both arms, same number of times on each side. Do you think you could take that knowledge, that it's a compulsion for symmetry, and channel it into a less harmful coping skill? Maybe something ritualistic having to do with balance like stenciling or etc.? (the butterfly is really schmarmy, isn't it?)
  3. Hey vondick I'm glad to hear that you're getting help finally. That sucks that your pain was sidelined for so many years. A friend of mine called me strong the other day, and I cursed him out for twenty minutes. I think, sometimes, it's just exhausting being strong. People say you're so strong you're like a rock, and what flashes into my head is that childhood I never got to have, and it just pisses me off. Makes me want to have a tantrum. Once in a while I do. The other day I was sitting in bed with a guy I was dating. I was reading an article about Britney Spear's engagement and I was like "Wow, this is kinda freaky. She's marrying her manager, and her dad has power of attorney. She doesn't have any control of her own life." and he said "Well, she isn't in her right mind, perhaps it's for the best." and I said "You are a fucking asshole." and he said "Does that scare you because you're afraid that might happen to you? Yeah, that must be so weird for you." So I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I felt othered. I am saying this not to berate you. Not to make you also feel othered. But to explain why people reacted so strongly. I do not think that you don't belong on this board. You are more than welcome here. Like you I did not remember my original trauma at first, and I still do not remember the bulk of it, but I'm not as cut off from my emotions as I used to be.
  4. Tumblr Takes a Stand Against "Self Harm" Blogs (Maybe I should post this in news.) Good for them, right? Too many tumblrs full of pro ana and cutting glorification IMO.
  5. I've been cheated on (SO sleeping with another woman) and I've had my privacy violated (SO reading my journals without my knowledge or permission). Both violations in trust ended those relationships. I've been in a head space where I've pried; in retrospect it was because that guy told me that he had a history of infidelity and I didn't trust him. There was no way that relationship was going to last, I just didn't trust him. Trust, once violated, in my experience, is nearly impossible to rebuild. I don't think I would label having important friendships outside of the relationship as cheating. But there's obviously a serious trust issue at hand here that needs to be addressed.
  6. Like tryp I am also unclear as to what this has to do with BPD. This seems to just be a poorly recorded argument between two people.
  7. Oh, also, I abandoned this twitter account for a long time because I had to Deal With Things and couldn't do the online thing but, HIYA!

  8. Hunger makes my anxiety worse. Or maybe it's just that eating makes me sleepy?

  9. We are all survivors. Realizing that you have survived something, being honest with yourself about your fear, and going beyond that and sharing that fear with others, is a step on the path to recovery. As survivors we must honor and respect the experiences of other survivors and create a safe place for recovery on this forum. This is a place for support, and personal attacks will not be tolerated. Conflicts will naturally arise but do your best to not try to undermine the recovery of other survivors. If you have conflict with other members on this board, please PM one of the mods, do not resort to personal attacks.
  10. Perfectionism... I have too many thoughts on that and too little time. I'm not happy with what the APA is doing with BPD in the DSM... I know they're just labels. If DBT hadn't helped me so much, I wouldn't give a damn, but DBT did help me, and I hate to see an already stigmatized dx get even more confusing. I did DBT one-on-one. One session of skills training, one session of therapy (so meeting with my therapist at least twice a week)... I wouldn't say that group therapy disturbed me but more that my therapist felt that it was not a good fit for me at the time. There are trained therapists out there who can do DBT with you on an individual basis.
  11. ... you just summed up an awful lot in that sentence. makes me kinda wanna say "word!" so i will word!
  12. I've been trying to figure out how to say this for a while, and also just hoping this thread would fade... (no offense to anyone intended here, just expressing what my thoughts are on this thread is difficult as my brain isn't firing on all cylinders right now.) ~~~~~~~~~~///~~~~~~~~~~ Yes, those are the DSM diagnostic criteria... but, and I still don't know how to say this right... borderline isn't something you can put in a quiz. Those criteria are short-hand descriptions of outward behaviors designed to be used as guidelines for mental health professionals. They are not the full extent of what borderline is. Borderline is the result of a very complex confluence of: childhood events, underlying temperament, parenting styles, social interactions, etc, etc, etc1,000,00 This all blends together and shapes us as we grow up; so that as adults borderlines end up possessing mercurial personality structures, intense emotional lability, great big aching holes of seemingly sourceless pain... and all this, and more, without the tools to process and cope with intense emotions in healthy and safe ways. (Pinned post on Linehan's bio-social theory on the causes of borderline if you want to read a bit more about what I'm basing my opinions on here.) Of course we all see different aspects as being more central to our own lives. We're not carbon-copies. It's not a club. The criteria are landmarks that Psychiatrists and Psychologists use to help figure out what is going on inside their patients in order to help them get better. Perhaps--and this is pure speculation--because borderline is axis II, these landmarks are harder to nail down than the criteria in an axis I diagnosis. "Chronic feelings of emptiness" is not the easiest thing to make tangible. It's different than telling your doctor how many hours you're sleeping. (And NO... I am not, on any level, downplaying axis I... that would fucking absurd.) I'm just saying this is a personality disorder. Only the greatest authors in history can create characters with personalities that read as true to life. How can a list of 9 things really define the way it feels to be borderline? They are diagnostic criteria... but they aren't the heart of things. Wouldn't it be more odd--and somewhat freaky--if we were saying, "yes, my personality can be summed up with x out of 9 sentences, and i relate the most to sentence y!" instead of reacting--rightly so--with some confusion, and perspectives that are different from one another? We probably all have a lot in common. Borderline, in my opinion, describes a very real and recognizable blueprint of a personality structure and set of behaviors. Borderline is also more than just those nine things. The diagnosis is a label, a label that tells us where to look for treatment. It is also something that makes it so that I quite often have more in common with borderlines than with people who aren't borderline. However, that feeling of a shared experience that I have with other borderlines goes way past the DSM. And treatment for borderline--effective treatment--is done in therapy, not with meds. DBT and any other effective therapy for borderline goes deep; far past those nine things, to the causes of why those nine things become some dominant in our lives that they can be used as diagnostic criteria. (And then DBT teaches you coping skills so that you don't rely on harmful behaviors, it teaches you how to process emotions so that you don't feel empty and overwhelmed... it gives you the ability to look at life and be a part of it, not overwhelmed by it. But enough about how much DBT rocks...) We are all different, we all have a lot in common. The DSM is not the heart of borderline, it is a diagnostic criteria that allows doctors to diagnose patients. It is a list of things they can see and assess. The DSM is not a list of causes, a list of who we are, a list of how our hearts feel. It's just a tool. Ok, I just had to say that. Hope you all are well, Penny
  13. Your questions are a bit too vague for me to really address. I understand that you're in a jam and life is a bit messy, but I have no advice on that, really. If that makes sense? Maybe if you narrowed down what you're asking a bit more I could try to answer?
  14. Thank you for the thanks. I didn't set out to write an emotional purge/life story, just happened by accident, yanno? It wasn't meant as a confessional, I was just letting something out that's been brewing for a while. Food for thought, yes, I did want it to be that, I think. Be well, Penny
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