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Penny Century

Inmate Emeritus
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About Penny Century

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    "For now we see through a glass, darkly."

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    in a book

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  1. ugh. guy, this sounds like you're a walking roofie. joking is ok, but crossing lines and making people feel uncomfortable is not. don't be a jerk.
  2. Hey humanoid, I think the desire for symmetry is quite common. Probably a connection to OCDesque tendencies, a comfort it it. Like Wooster said. I used to always cut on both arms, same number of times on each side. Do you think you could take that knowledge, that it's a compulsion for symmetry, and channel it into a less harmful coping skill? Maybe something ritualistic having to do with balance like stenciling or etc.? (the butterfly is really schmarmy, isn't it?)
  3. Hey vondick I'm glad to hear that you're getting help finally. That sucks that your pain was sidelined for so many years. A friend of mine called me strong the other day, and I cursed him out for twenty minutes. I think, sometimes, it's just exhausting being strong. People say you're so strong you're like a rock, and what flashes into my head is that childhood I never got to have, and it just pisses me off. Makes me want to have a tantrum. Once in a while I do. The other day I was sitting in bed with a guy I was dating. I was reading an article about Britney Spear's engagement and I was like "Wow, this is kinda freaky. She's marrying her manager, and her dad has power of attorney. She doesn't have any control of her own life." and he said "Well, she isn't in her right mind, perhaps it's for the best." and I said "You are a fucking asshole." and he said "Does that scare you because you're afraid that might happen to you? Yeah, that must be so weird for you." So I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I felt othered. I am saying this not to berate you. Not to make you also feel othered. But to explain why people reacted so strongly. I do not think that you don't belong on this board. You are more than welcome here. Like you I did not remember my original trauma at first, and I still do not remember the bulk of it, but I'm not as cut off from my emotions as I used to be.
  4. Tumblr Takes a Stand Against "Self Harm" Blogs (Maybe I should post this in news.) Good for them, right? Too many tumblrs full of pro ana and cutting glorification IMO.
  5. I've been cheated on (SO sleeping with another woman) and I've had my privacy violated (SO reading my journals without my knowledge or permission). Both violations in trust ended those relationships. I've been in a head space where I've pried; in retrospect it was because that guy told me that he had a history of infidelity and I didn't trust him. There was no way that relationship was going to last, I just didn't trust him. Trust, once violated, in my experience, is nearly impossible to rebuild. I don't think I would label having important friendships outside of the relationship as cheating. But there's obviously a serious trust issue at hand here that needs to be addressed.
  6. Like tryp I am also unclear as to what this has to do with BPD. This seems to just be a poorly recorded argument between two people.
  7. It is sold OTC, it's just really expensive so most pharmacies don't stock it, instead they stock products like mederma, etc. You don't need a prescription to buy it though. My dermatologist recommended it to me and I too found it useful. I liked it because I found the silicone sheets annoying and difficult to keep in place. It takes a while to work but it definitely does show results.
  8. Hey I found that the only thing that helped me with the fear was therapy, and for me it was a pretty gentle form of therapy that I'm still doing called somatic experiencing that allowed me to sort-of approach my trauma ... sideways, I guess. Look at how my fear was affecting my body, and learn ways to self-soothe. As I've learned more ways to self-soothe I've become less afraid because I've become more confident that if I become scared, I will be able to calm myself... eventually the overall level of general fear has lessened, and it's been wonderful. You really can become less scared, but it isn't easy. It does take work. But it is doable. Is therapy something you can do right now?
  9. great article. so much of the stuff in there is just ...so hard to explain, and, like the article says, other people somehow don't believe you when you talk about it. (not that i really ever want to talk about it...) this was really hard on me, she started doing it when i was around 10, much to my total confusion.
  10. Oh, also, I abandoned this twitter account for a long time because I had to Deal With Things and couldn't do the online thing but, HIYA!

  11. Hunger makes my anxiety worse. Or maybe it's just that eating makes me sleepy?

  12. Say what you will about reality TV being exploitative, sometimes we need to see inside other people's lives to look in the mirror. I was trying to pull myself off of xanax too quickly when I saw this, I found it incredibly validating, and it probably saved my life as it was a real reality check. I've been tapering off xanax slowly, from 05-09 I was on 6 mg of xanax a day. Now I'm on 1.5 mg/day, that took a year with the help of my doctor. I thought I could just cold-turkey that last step because I forgot to take it for a week and I felt fine. About a month later I spiraled into some really bad paranoia and seriously suicidal darkness. Getting off of benzodiazepines is difficult. I am not saying this in order to enable those of you who are abusing your medication. I'm saying that it is a process that, to be done safely, has to be done with your doctor. Benzos have their place, but once your body is habituated to them, you are addicted to them. And you need your doctors help, and sometimes the help of a whole treatment team, to get off them. I fully intend to get off of xanax completely. I screwed up pulling myself off too quickly, but I now know that I need to be more careful in how I go about doing this. Anyway, watch this clip if you've ever wondered if you're alone in having had a hard time getting off a benzo. And also just because Dr. Drew ROCKS! <embed src="http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:uma:video:vh1.com:602397" width="512" height="319" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" flashVars="configParams=id%3D1653343%26vid%3D602397%26uri%3Dmgid%3Auma%3Avideo%3Avh1.com%3A602397" allowFullScreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" base="."></embed><div><a style="padding:0px 4px 0px 10px; font-family:Verdana,sans-serif; font-weight:bold; font-size:10px; color:#000000; text-decoration:none;" href="http://www.vh1.com/shows/ " onmouseover="this.style.textDecoration='underline'" onmouseout="this.style.textDecoration='none'" target="_blank">VH1 TV Shows</a> | <a style="padding:0px 4px 0px 10px; font-family:Verdana,sans-serif; font-weight:bold; color:#000000; font-size:10px; text-decoration:'none';" href="http://www.vh1.com/video/music.jhtml" onmouseover="this.style.textDecoration='underline'" onmouseout="this.style.textDecoration='none'" target="_blank">Music Videos </a> | <a style="padding:0px 4px 0px 10px; font-family:Verdana,sans-serif; font-weight:bold; color:#000000; font-size:10px; text-decoration:none;" href="http://www.vh1.com/photos/ " onmouseover="this.style.textDecoration='underline'" onmouseout="this.style.textDecoration='none'" target="_blank">Celebrity Photos</a> | <a style="padding:0px 4px 0px 10px; font-family:Verdana,sans-serif; font-weight:bold; color:#000000; font-size:10px; text-decoration: none;" href="http://www.vh1.com/news/" onmouseover="this.style.textDecoration='underline'" onmouseout="this.style.textDecoration='none'" target="_blank">News & Gossip</a></div>
  13. Thank you, everyone, for your replies, they really meant a lot. It's funny I'd forgotten how helpful this place can be when you're really floundering. Lysergia you in no way wrote too much, thank you for sharing all of that, it was helpful. I think I'm at the borderline between needing the wake-up call for health reasons but, yes Anna, you're also right, I've only been doing monthly weigh-ins with my pdoc for a reason. So I think I'll confide in a girlfriend and ask if I can use her scale once a week to make sure I don't slip into the danger zone. Though I'm really loathe to talk to the friend I have in mind about this. (The friend I have that I'd feel ok telling doesn't have a scale, heh.) Once again, thank you to everyone who replied. This was very helpful. Penny
  14. So... stick with not having a scale? As is I only weigh in at the Dr. once a month.
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