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Penny Century

Inmate Emeritus
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Everything posted by Penny Century

  1. ugh. guy, this sounds like you're a walking roofie. joking is ok, but crossing lines and making people feel uncomfortable is not. don't be a jerk.
  2. Hey humanoid, I think the desire for symmetry is quite common. Probably a connection to OCDesque tendencies, a comfort it it. Like Wooster said. I used to always cut on both arms, same number of times on each side. Do you think you could take that knowledge, that it's a compulsion for symmetry, and channel it into a less harmful coping skill? Maybe something ritualistic having to do with balance like stenciling or etc.? (the butterfly is really schmarmy, isn't it?)
  3. Hey vondick I'm glad to hear that you're getting help finally. That sucks that your pain was sidelined for so many years. A friend of mine called me strong the other day, and I cursed him out for twenty minutes. I think, sometimes, it's just exhausting being strong. People say you're so strong you're like a rock, and what flashes into my head is that childhood I never got to have, and it just pisses me off. Makes me want to have a tantrum. Once in a while I do. The other day I was sitting in bed with a guy I was dating. I was reading an article about Britney Spear's engagement and I was like "Wow, this is kinda freaky. She's marrying her manager, and her dad has power of attorney. She doesn't have any control of her own life." and he said "Well, she isn't in her right mind, perhaps it's for the best." and I said "You are a fucking asshole." and he said "Does that scare you because you're afraid that might happen to you? Yeah, that must be so weird for you." So I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I felt othered. I am saying this not to berate you. Not to make you also feel othered. But to explain why people reacted so strongly. I do not think that you don't belong on this board. You are more than welcome here. Like you I did not remember my original trauma at first, and I still do not remember the bulk of it, but I'm not as cut off from my emotions as I used to be.
  4. Tumblr Takes a Stand Against "Self Harm" Blogs (Maybe I should post this in news.) Good for them, right? Too many tumblrs full of pro ana and cutting glorification IMO.
  5. I've been cheated on (SO sleeping with another woman) and I've had my privacy violated (SO reading my journals without my knowledge or permission). Both violations in trust ended those relationships. I've been in a head space where I've pried; in retrospect it was because that guy told me that he had a history of infidelity and I didn't trust him. There was no way that relationship was going to last, I just didn't trust him. Trust, once violated, in my experience, is nearly impossible to rebuild. I don't think I would label having important friendships outside of the relationship as cheating. But there's obviously a serious trust issue at hand here that needs to be addressed.
  6. Like tryp I am also unclear as to what this has to do with BPD. This seems to just be a poorly recorded argument between two people.
  7. It is sold OTC, it's just really expensive so most pharmacies don't stock it, instead they stock products like mederma, etc. You don't need a prescription to buy it though. My dermatologist recommended it to me and I too found it useful. I liked it because I found the silicone sheets annoying and difficult to keep in place. It takes a while to work but it definitely does show results.
  8. Hey I found that the only thing that helped me with the fear was therapy, and for me it was a pretty gentle form of therapy that I'm still doing called somatic experiencing that allowed me to sort-of approach my trauma ... sideways, I guess. Look at how my fear was affecting my body, and learn ways to self-soothe. As I've learned more ways to self-soothe I've become less afraid because I've become more confident that if I become scared, I will be able to calm myself... eventually the overall level of general fear has lessened, and it's been wonderful. You really can become less scared, but it isn't easy. It does take work. But it is doable. Is therapy something you can do right now?
  9. great article. so much of the stuff in there is just ...so hard to explain, and, like the article says, other people somehow don't believe you when you talk about it. (not that i really ever want to talk about it...) this was really hard on me, she started doing it when i was around 10, much to my total confusion.
  10. Oh, also, I abandoned this twitter account for a long time because I had to Deal With Things and couldn't do the online thing but, HIYA!

  11. Hunger makes my anxiety worse. Or maybe it's just that eating makes me sleepy?

  12. Say what you will about reality TV being exploitative, sometimes we need to see inside other people's lives to look in the mirror. I was trying to pull myself off of xanax too quickly when I saw this, I found it incredibly validating, and it probably saved my life as it was a real reality check. I've been tapering off xanax slowly, from 05-09 I was on 6 mg of xanax a day. Now I'm on 1.5 mg/day, that took a year with the help of my doctor. I thought I could just cold-turkey that last step because I forgot to take it for a week and I felt fine. About a month later I spiraled into some really bad paranoia and seriously suicidal darkness. Getting off of benzodiazepines is difficult. I am not saying this in order to enable those of you who are abusing your medication. I'm saying that it is a process that, to be done safely, has to be done with your doctor. Benzos have their place, but once your body is habituated to them, you are addicted to them. And you need your doctors help, and sometimes the help of a whole treatment team, to get off them. I fully intend to get off of xanax completely. I screwed up pulling myself off too quickly, but I now know that I need to be more careful in how I go about doing this. Anyway, watch this clip if you've ever wondered if you're alone in having had a hard time getting off a benzo. And also just because Dr. Drew ROCKS! <embed src="http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:uma:video:vh1.com:602397" width="512" height="319" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" flashVars="configParams=id%3D1653343%26vid%3D602397%26uri%3Dmgid%3Auma%3Avideo%3Avh1.com%3A602397" allowFullScreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" base="."></embed><div><a style="padding:0px 4px 0px 10px; font-family:Verdana,sans-serif; font-weight:bold; font-size:10px; color:#000000; text-decoration:none;" href="http://www.vh1.com/shows/ " onmouseover="this.style.textDecoration='underline'" onmouseout="this.style.textDecoration='none'" target="_blank">VH1 TV Shows</a> | <a style="padding:0px 4px 0px 10px; font-family:Verdana,sans-serif; font-weight:bold; color:#000000; font-size:10px; text-decoration:'none';" href="http://www.vh1.com/video/music.jhtml" onmouseover="this.style.textDecoration='underline'" onmouseout="this.style.textDecoration='none'" target="_blank">Music Videos </a> | <a style="padding:0px 4px 0px 10px; font-family:Verdana,sans-serif; font-weight:bold; color:#000000; font-size:10px; text-decoration:none;" href="http://www.vh1.com/photos/ " onmouseover="this.style.textDecoration='underline'" onmouseout="this.style.textDecoration='none'" target="_blank">Celebrity Photos</a> | <a style="padding:0px 4px 0px 10px; font-family:Verdana,sans-serif; font-weight:bold; color:#000000; font-size:10px; text-decoration: none;" href="http://www.vh1.com/news/" onmouseover="this.style.textDecoration='underline'" onmouseout="this.style.textDecoration='none'" target="_blank">News & Gossip</a></div>
  13. Thank you, everyone, for your replies, they really meant a lot. It's funny I'd forgotten how helpful this place can be when you're really floundering. Lysergia you in no way wrote too much, thank you for sharing all of that, it was helpful. I think I'm at the borderline between needing the wake-up call for health reasons but, yes Anna, you're also right, I've only been doing monthly weigh-ins with my pdoc for a reason. So I think I'll confide in a girlfriend and ask if I can use her scale once a week to make sure I don't slip into the danger zone. Though I'm really loathe to talk to the friend I have in mind about this. (The friend I have that I'd feel ok telling doesn't have a scale, heh.) Once again, thank you to everyone who replied. This was very helpful. Penny
  14. So... stick with not having a scale? As is I only weigh in at the Dr. once a month.
  15. I lapse in and out of denial about my eating/food issues. Right now I'm going through a "being real" with myself phase/ I also happen to be going through a hard-core fasting thing. The thing is, hungry isn't something I ever am right now. I remember a time when I would wake up starving in the morning, but that is very not right now. Now I eat because the alarm on my iPhone says "eat" and more often than not I forget to eat even then. The only time I'm hungry is after I work out, but I can't do that 3xs a day. I don't own a scale b/c I feel like that would make me obsessive, but all I do is think about how much I dislike how I look anyway, so maybe if I did weigh myself, and I saw that I was, in fact, loosing, I would eat? If I drop below a certain weight my Dr. will switch my meds and I don't want that. Also there are other health consequences for dropping below the weight I am at, I was stable for six months, and I want to stay that way.....
  16. How Anti-Shoplifting Sensors Can Remind Us to Take Our Pills You know those chips walmart uses to track how many razors sold in what store? Now they can use the same tech to monitor your meds for you... In a super creepy way....
  17. Journal: Study Linking Vaccine To Autism Was Fraud New more in-depth look at the original study finds that it was a fraud. (Original study has already been retracted.)
  18. We are all survivors. Realizing that you have survived something, being honest with yourself about your fear, and going beyond that and sharing that fear with others, is a step on the path to recovery. As survivors we must honor and respect the experiences of other survivors and create a safe place for recovery on this forum. This is a place for support, and personal attacks will not be tolerated. Conflicts will naturally arise but do your best to not try to undermine the recovery of other survivors. If you have conflict with other members on this board, please PM one of the mods, do not resort to personal attacks.
  19. Hello Cruel World iPhone app with 101 alternatives to suicide... It's pretty neat and really validating that this is out there.
  20. Perfectionism... I have too many thoughts on that and too little time. I'm not happy with what the APA is doing with BPD in the DSM... I know they're just labels. If DBT hadn't helped me so much, I wouldn't give a damn, but DBT did help me, and I hate to see an already stigmatized dx get even more confusing. I did DBT one-on-one. One session of skills training, one session of therapy (so meeting with my therapist at least twice a week)... I wouldn't say that group therapy disturbed me but more that my therapist felt that it was not a good fit for me at the time. There are trained therapists out there who can do DBT with you on an individual basis.
  21. I moved this post from the Bipolar Forum to "I I've Still Got Issues" because I think that Invalidation is something that happens to everyone and is a really important issue. At first I thought "Oh this should be in the Personality Disorder board" because Invalidation and finally having your feelings validated is such a huge part of DBT, but the OP is not Borderline and the OP found the link important, so moving the post to that forum would have been a mistake. So the question is where does this go? Does this go in: Parenting Relationships Therapy
  22. i think that for some reason there's a conflict when running the app and the website. when i have the site up, the app goes kerflewy...until i switch the skin on my browser to the mobile skin. which doesn't make sense.
  23. I did DBT one-on-one (my tdoc thought, rightfully, that group would be a bad idea for me). One-on-one DBT is not unheard of, and it can work. Yes, the standard model is group once a week, one-on-one once a week. But you can just as easily do skills once a week and talk once a week, all one-on-one. Nowhere in anything I've read about DBT do they say learning skills in a group is a requirement. (Doing it with the aid of a professional, I would always recommend that, be it group or one-on-one.) The base presumption in DBT is that your life is pretty fucking pain filled, and that you need to learn skills as soon as possible so that you can get out of pain, and move on from there. Even in the um, therapeutic portion of DBT, it's really about focusing on what skills you did and did not employ in a given situation... not on why you feel a given way. The idea is that in order to address why you feel the way you do, in order to address the why safely and effectively, you need to learn skills. If normal day-to-day life is distressing, dredging up why it is distressing is not really a good idea. After you have yours skills, then, you're eventually supposed to address the whys. If your therapist is trained in DBT, then she knows that this is hard for you. She knows you're in pain, she knows this is like climbing mount Everest. I'm sorry that it feels invalidating. (I wrote an awful lot of angry letters to my therapist in DBT.) It's hard to get used to.. it's not that, as a general rule, they don't know how hard it is for you--clinicians who devote their time to helping borderlines are usually acutely aware of how much emotional pain their patients are in--it's that you can't talk about the why until you have the coping skills to do so. Ask her about it, though. Ask her what the purpose is. DBT is about learning, it's functional, it's pretty straight-forward. Good luck. I really hope you stick with it. It changed my life, completely, and all for the better. Penny
  24. Yeah... take a year. I was on 6mg of xanax xr/day, now I'm down to 1.5 mg/day but that's taken hm... 9 months? I tried to jump from 1.5 to 0... and yeah, no go. Give it time. It can happen, but, especially if you've been on it for years, it takes a long time. That's ok. You're not wed to it for life, just be gentle with yourself and do this right, and it won't be disruptive.
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