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About MissMouse

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  1. I have just had a crappy couple of days. Led in bed in a deep depression and when I did get up I turned into a snappy, moody bitch and turned suicidal because of some spilt cat litter. (So dumb.) Anyway I'm obviously on CB because I have some other psychiatric problems..... but me and my OH had a big discussion tonight and it seems that we are starting to realise that mood wise I am at my worst about 5 days before I am due to come on. He says that he's noticed it ever since we have been together but since I've been suffering again with MI it's become more apparant because its to a worser degree. I read some articles on PMS and PDD and PDD that made me think 'Thats Me'. I'm cautious about self diagnosing but this would explain so much about why I can be on an even keel for a few weeks and then just feel so out of control at the drop of a hat. I wondered if anyone knows if people with PCOS could get either PMS or PDD. My doctor years ago did tests for PCOS and said I was a borderline case. I don't get regular periods so I think this is why I haven't perhaps made the link myself.....although even though I don't bleed every month I still experience the physical tell tale signs and mood changes......like a phantom feeling. What is the best way to introduce this for exploration. Would it be better to bring it up with my GP as it is more a health problem strictly speaking. Or would you guys bring it up with a psychiatrist as it more a problem mood wise right now? I'll be really interested to see if this could perhaps be one of my underlying problems and could be magnifying the other issues that are happening with my MI right now. I'm hoping that if it is hormone related it might be easier to straighten out than being just all in my head MI related.
  2. Well they know I have gender issues. My OH told them before we met. But it never makes any difference. Because its NHS and everything is so strained it seems something that I just have to deal with. I just wondered why two of them. Maybe they think I'm dangerous?! (Lol) MM x
  3. Hi guys. Sorry to keep posting here. I've just had something happen and it's never really happened before (I don't think). I'm confused and scared and pissed off. I feel like my brain is trying to send me insane. I've not slept properly for days. I've stayed awake most nights from a bout of my usual reoccurring nightmare from my incident, catching a few hours in the daytime when I feel safe. Usually this means when I get so tired to sleep at night I'm so tired my body doesn't seem able to produce anymore nightmares. That's been my theory and its usually accurate. Tonight I fell asleep on the sofa with OH watching tv with the lights off. I was asleep for a good few hours. I woke myself up with some movement and muttering. I remember I felt scared and agitated and confused where I was. I vaguely recollect thinking to myself I've had a bad dream and then (like I do with my nightmares) ill rethink them and usually get stuck in the sleep problem etc again. But this time the next thing I remember was going outside for a cigarette and *knowing* I'd had a new bad dream but I can't remember it. I don't think I zoned out because if I did it was very immediate. But I can't remember what happened from soon after thinking 'ill think about this nightmare' to having a cigarette. I have checked my phone email etc as I thought I might have written myself a note as I've done before about new stuff coming up but nothing. I'm getting so tired of all this shit. I really just want to sleep. I've got an appointment with someone tomorrow and I don't know if the fear of that is making me go crazy but I just feel ready to lay down now. I'm sick of new stuff happening. I'm starting to question if I did have a nightmare now. I feel like I'm going crazy. OH listened to me but he just asked why I wanted to remember it. I just do. I'm scared it will come back again when I don't want it too. I don't know what's wrong with me but I feel so upset and alone. I just needed to ramble. I'm sorry for keep posting shit. I want to know what I woke up from. And I'm scared I'm playing the waiting game for a horrid new memory now. I feel like I want to SH.
  4. Omg. I'm so glad I read this thread. I have a fear of answering the phone and making phonecalls. I don't do it anymore and I've never known why. Not even if caller display says its my mum or something. It's something that for me gets better when I feel better. I can do it no probs at work when I was there. On very good days I can ring the utility company's or something mundane. It is annoying tho because I don't know why I'm like this. I really get where your coming from with having your partner need to make calls on your behalf. I'm not married to mine and it makes things so difficult. He usually lets them believe we are married because otherwise, like you say, there's some stupid reason they won't let partners deal with stuff. Otherwise in the past I've had to verbally give consent by shouting to agree he can deal with things on my behalf. I'm sorry that he isn't understanding about it. It isn't your fault and your no looser. I know my psrtner gets annoyed at having all my shit to deal with too. But he shouldn't be making you feel even worse. Maybe if he is struggling he needs to get himself some support rather than making you feel worse about something you can't help right now. I really really hope you manage to get something sorted. MM x
  5. It does feel kinda good to get it out with people who *get it* blue jazz. Though still kinda uncomfortable. I have thought about getting a new account fleetingly lol. How did it make you feel when it was on your blog? Does the fact it's over the Internet and you never have to see us not help? MM x
  6. Hi noname, I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad right now. I think a lot of people on here are familiar with that awful feeling. I'm glad that you drove past it and didn't carry out your plan. I hope that means at least a little bit of you doesn't want to die and you can focus on that right now. Do you know why you feel so bad? You touched on a little bit. Do you feel like you could tell us more? I think you should definitely speak to someone about how your feeling. I don't want you to be alone with this. Can you go and see your doctor or at least a family or friend? Please know that your not alone. And please keep posting and keep yourself safe. MM x
  7. Wanting things to change and hoping someone can help instead of hinder....

  8. Thanks for the replies. I'm still shitting my pants! These people seem much more empathetic than the team that I have been under so I feel better about that. I just don't want to discuss the content of these 'hallucinations' as it's all stuff attached to past things that have happened. I could answer the basics about if its internal or external and stuff like that. My assesment is with two social workers which I thought was a little odd. Though they did say at some point it will be with a psychiatrist. Is there some kinda reason it has to be with two people? Ones a lady and ones a man and tbh I dont really feel comfortable sharing with two or with the man there. Though I realise I have no choice really.
  9. I feel a bit more positive about handing a letter over knowing that someone else has done it and it's been useful. I think that I possibly have problems around dissociating and anxiety but I think mine is more so around flashbacks and remembering these. In the interview situation I just cant get it out. It seems like I'm betraying my 'secret' and I also don't want to have to deal with these feelings of betrayal when I get home. It's a good point about doing it when regulated as well. I think sometimes I want to share ALL of it because I am just so tired of carrying these secrets but maybe that's not appropriate for an assesment. Well I've nearly finished my draught so I think I'll post it soon. Kinda scared but I think I know that CB don't judge and it's certainly easier with the anonymity of the internet. Thanks MM x
  10. Hey Rosie, I can see why your ritual to do with the burning of things you have written down and the application of it on your body would be a comfort to you. Although I am glad that you have realised that it is unhealthy and you have managed to work on ways with your tdoc to come up with another alternative. I'm sorry that you feel you need to utilise your self harming rituals now but I think that you should be proud that you are actively trying to seek better ones. Is there something that you are particularly struggling with now that makes you want to go back to this ritual? If so, have you managed to share it with tdoc yet or do you perceive that it is *too bad, too big* just to be left in the box? I guess with you questioning if you should just go ahead with not doing anything or making a new ritual makes me think whether creating new rituals would be mentally healthy. I may be totally wrong and this is just my opinion but could this in itself become a problem in having to carry out the new ritual? Although I think that if you are really having a hard time with not doing anything after writing the things down then maybe you do need to subsitute the unhealthy ritual with a more positive one. I know from my experience with self harm (different from yours in that I don't usually do it for cleansing purposes, mainly regaining control or if I need to express the hurt/disgust in a physical form) is that I actually find it 'not too difficult' to stop. But it will always manifest itself in other ways, usually ways that are either damaging mentally or physically again. For example I have reduced the self harm considerably and have only cut once this year. Everyone seems to be pleased that I seem to have conqured this, but for me, I now have focused on restrictive eating and things such as cleaning and checking too much. I really do need to find better ways myself but at this time it's hard. I may just be projecting my observations on myself onto you and I apologise if that's the case. I just am concerned that you may struggle finding something which doesnt involve harm that actually makes you feel the same as burning. But I really hope that you do. I had a few suggestions, they may be lame because though I can empathise with the issues round your self harm it's different to mine so feel free to think that I am talking out of my arse! Would it help to still write them and hand them over to tdoc but to compensate for the need to burn to symbolise cleansing could you replace that with positive symbolism? I was thinking maybe buying a nice plant or maybe a goldfish and placing that near the box that tdoc keeps. Everytime you hand something over could you maybe think of the act of handing over and the plant of goldfish as them taking these distressing thoughts/memories off you? Maybe you could water/feed the plant/fish as the physical act and the watching of the plant or goldfish growing reassure you that in someway they are ok with helping you this way? Or could you get a box of childrens bathtime crayons or maybe even use something like hp sauce to write what your want on your floor or the bathroom tiles or tdocs floor. Re-read it and then physically clean it up? I think you defo shouldn't stop writing things down. I know it must be hard sharing but I would hope that you wouldn't stop and you can come up with something healthier that works for you to ease this process. Have you asked tdoc for suggestions to tweak your current method? MM x
  11. Hi all, I am due to be screened by the early interventions team to rule out (or rule in I suppose) psychosis. I met with a social worker who mentioned she would be using the pans or panda test.....I misheard I think as googling hasnt really come up with anything. I am feeling a bit nervous about what I might have to discuss and I was hoping to be able to get a grasp of the questions and content to try and prepare myself, as well as writing some stuff down for them. Would anyone who has had experience of being assessed for psychosis mind sharing what kind of stuff they will be asking? Or what the name of the test might be? Or should I not be looking into this stuff? I just feel so churney being plonked into this with no idea what is likley to be asked. Thanks, MM x
  12. Thanks for your input Lysergia and Rosie. I totally empathise how you struggled with getting it out Lysergia. I'm really pleased that you were able to build up the trust and find a way to start to tell someone what had happened to you. I think I may contact a rape crisis centre to see if they can suggest anything of use, thanks for sharing what helped you and giving me the idea. My situation is really annoying for me because I've been here before when I was hospitalised as an adolescent. I managed to get to the point that I admitted that something had happened and started saying little bits but the flashbacks (they were much worse back then and i can kinda confidently say that is what they were) made me soo poorly that i had to be moved to a secure unit and they broke my trust by restraining and force feeding and medicating....ugh. I shut it all back up then, after I had been medicated with anti psychotics and happy pills. So I kinda feel pissed at myself that I still struggle because I have done it before. I feel pissed that on my file there is BPD, PTSD and CPTSD flying about and yet they dont realise that this might be why I am so aversive to certain questions. I always answer hard/awkward questions with 'i dunno'. I know this makes me seem awkward or a liar or whatever they think of me but I can't help it. It is my phrase of choice! Rosie, I have my OH who comes with me and usually sits in with appointments. He is brill and does tend to speak for me about what I find uncomfortable. He has repeatedly told people that I can't discuss this topic but this is what they need to hear obv. Sometimes though because he doesn't know what really goes on in my head he tends to answer for me and maybe skew things. I really dont want him sitting in the appointment so he doesnt give his opinion and also because I don't want him to know some of the stuff I will have to let them poke about with. Though him not being near me will freak me out because he is my safety blanket when we leave the house and I have to have two people sitting in this assesment. I'm sorry you had to endure more shit while you managed to find help Rosie. ((hug)) I don't understand how art therapy really works but I'm glad it's helping give you a way of communicating things and I hope it gets easier for you, both of you, to talk and heal. Thanks, all of you for sharing. Right now I am just going to write down as much of things that I experience as I can. My plan is to try and verbally answer the 'easy' questions or parts of them. At least if I try and pre-guess what they will want to know and write it down then I can't be accused of not helping myself ( I hope.) I wondered, dont know if it might be deemed too much, triggering, inappropriate........ to post in the private ptsd board a draught of my symptom list so far. I'd like to see if it's vague, waffle, confusing etc and I cant show my partner. I just don't want this to upset anyone or be against the rules. If a mod reads this can you let me know if I'm allowed to do this? Not for diagnosis or anything, just for the purpose of making sure a professional might find it useful and maybe if anyone wants to share that this strange stuff happens to them. Thanks again lovely people of CB for your support. x
  13. Thanks to you both for replying. Glad to know it's not just me who hates this stuff. I have been trying to write down some of the less scary stuff, like 'I smell cigarette smoke'.....but I'm reluctant to go into the reason why this smell makes me feel so awful. Do you think leaving it at something concise like 'to do with past issues' would be enough? When I initially get these experiences, for the first few seconds I literally freeze and it's like I feel scared shitless, sick, like my hearts going to stop........ but because they are quite 'regular' I can kinda talk myself round that it isn't really real and nothing bad is going to happen. So I am fairly confident that I can't be in psychosis because I wouldn't realise it wasn't really there? I dunno. Confused. Although it is similar stuff to what happened years ago, less intense, but maybe they could have diagnosed me wrong in inpatient? I know what your saying saveyoursanity. I just have quite limited faith in them right now. I'm so put off by certain things my care-cordinator said when she found out I'd mentioned the hallucinations with the psychiatrist and not her that I feel she doesn't believe me. I have said very little to her because she doesn't really understand where I'm coming from. I know that she will read all these reports and no doubt say 'well shes never mentioned x,y,z to me before'. As if I'm making it up or something. cfranco92, I also get smells of aftershave and seem to experience mild panic attack symptoms from it. The only problem is that the memory round this smell-reaction is just not properly there yet. I dunno, it's like if I tried hard enough I could pull it but I seem to prefer the 'la la la, change the subject' approach. I can empathise about the whole retelling your story and the way it makes you feel. Thanks guys for commenting. I tried to stay away from CB thinking that I could ignore all this shit and it would go away. I just felt more alone. At least coming here I always find that people can relate in some way and that really helps. Thanks for sharing with me. I feel less alone today than I have done for a while x
  14. Hey, I just wanted some advice I guess really. I'm not entirely sure this is the best place to post but as I still believe I fit into the folds of PTSD more than anything, I am putting it here, feel free to move if it's inappropriately placed. So this is into my 6th month off work and I'm still on the quest for getting an accurate, up to date diagnosis and embarking on some kind of therapy centred treatment. Things are moving frustratingly slowly at the minute (I'm in the UK and this is NHS so kinda speaks for itself.) I had an appointment with a psychiatrist in December for the purpose of a new assesment with the complex care team, having raised issue with being hastily diagnosed as BPD, when I also had PTSD and C-PTSD on my file from childhood. Unfortunately because I was unable to talk in much detail about certain questions, it was incomplete and it seems to be the case that I now have to wait upto 6 months to try to complete the assesment again. (So annoyed at myself and this system it's untrue.) In the meantime because I said I was experiencing things and was unsure if they could be described as flashbacks, hallucinations or sleep deprivation and I didn't feel able to describe the content, I am being sent to a psychosis screening team, to 'rule it out.' (Feel like they are playing pass the parcel with me right now.) I went for the 'meet and greet' appointment last week and the next two appointments that come through will be the start of the assesment and a meeting with a psychiatrist. I am dreading it. I know that even though I want to, I will not be able to discuss the content of what I experience and how it happens. This only seems to result in people misunderstanding what I mean and is delaying everything. I have somekind of reluctance that means I can scream what I want to say in my head but I will not allow myself to say it. I guess it also doesn't help that I don't want to talk about embarrassing, shameful, scary topics and have professionals continue to poke and prod at it. But if I don't get it out I am just going to end up as I have for the past 6 months - cocooning myself at home away from any triggers and any sense of my normal life. I kinda thought that I would just write all the things down that cause me problems and hand it to these people and then it was out there and they could judge for themselves what they think it is. But I am struggling writing certain things down. I don't know how in depth I need to go because I don't want to leave out bits they will need to understand the full picture. On the other hand I don't want to tell them unnecessary things. I feel that deep down I *know* this isn't psychosis and that after I expose all this crap on these people I will just get referred back to my other team so I don't want to say too much until I know that I have a team I will be with for a while. I have a great fear of everyone knowing my personal stuff which is most probably why lots of secrets have remained inside my head. But I dislike the thought of telling people who won't treat it sensitively and who will help me deal with stuff once I've actually said these things. I'm sat trying to write a list of what I experience right now. I've done okay getting the generic stuff down about mood etc. It's when I get to the hallucinations, flashbacks or whatever they are. I've kinda realised that I should probably mention certain physical sensations that I get and how all of this stuff that I experience is actually the same feeling everytime and linked to past happenings but I don't know how to word it without upsetting myself and trying to put it politely. I don't even want to think about it to be honest. I am struggling with this so so much and I am so unsure how to even describe it to myself. I can feel that if I allow myself to even think about it so I can describe it I will likely have a spacey episode. I feel so stuck. I can't even seem to help myself. So just to kinda cut all that crap that I have just babbled on about, if you have any input to the following things which are bugging me right now I'd be greatfully appreciative; What would you consider an experience to be where you smell a smell, hear a phrase or laughter, feel a physical feeling; all like repetitions from the past associated with something around your trauma? These experiences (like the smell of cigarette smoke, laughter for example) can only be smelt, heard by me and have no explanation that me or my partner can come up with. And although memorys very hazy round it, it makes sense to me why smelling that smell makes me feel physically sick, panicky etc....is this an hallucination, an intrusive thought or a flashback? Can anyone help me try and explain this embarrassing, personal stuff 'nicely' without triggering myself? Sorry for the waffle guys. x
  15. I don't know if this is the right place to post in but I still have the BPD diagnosis as I still haven't seen anyone for a second opinion yet. (trying not to get fucked off with the lax attitude of the nhs......) I thought posting here seems 'right'.... I've done a lot of thinking over the last couple of months while I've been off work with whatever this mental illness is. It seems to have evolved. At the beginning I would say it was more a problem that could be better defined as depression / PTSD, which is something that I was diagnosed with years ago. The nightmares,flashbacks and intrusive thoughts tailed off or at least I stopped remembering them. I think I must have blanked out a lot of time because I can't recollect much at all about how I spent my time. So then it was a problem with jumpyness and hypervigilance which just about rendered me housebound because of all the stress going outside involved. So that has tailed off now. I suppose I don't have any symptoms of the PTSD apart from avoidance and denial about the past. Which kinda suits me really because I feel better than I have done in months. I don't feel suicidal, only fleetingly. I don't feel depressed as such. Although I now seem to have developed a serious *need* for total control over everything. The house has to be spotless. I can happily spend hours a day cleaning. I get angry when my OH or my cats mess things up. Things have to be in their place and symmetrical if possible. I've now decided that I need to redecorate because each room needs to match. Now that thought is in my head I constantly look at wallpaper etc to ensure it will be just right. I spend ages making lists of things that need doing. Organising our day, week, month, year. I even bought this years xmas presents early. I try and delegate tasks so I don't overwhelm myself with all the lists of stuff that I make.....most of them I *have* to do because the OH wouldn't do them right. I control the finances. I keep the cash cards and I give us an allowance each week. I do audits on the accounts regularly. I ask for explanations for any transactions that I don't recognise. I get pissed off if the OH can't account for the £10 he drew out..... I have a need to count calories and weigh my food and this seems to wax and wain in intensity...I don't have an eating disorder. Though I would like to be smaller but have struggled with fluctuating weight for years. I have an ongoing thing about how my face is unsymetrical. This really pisses me off. I can see it. It bugs me. Theres lots of little things I do....It only occured to me recently that the control thing might be becoming a problem.... I couldn't find the car keys one day. I didnt even want them. They just wern't where they should be. The OH had taken them and hadnt hung them back up and they were lost for 30 mins. But during that time I got hysterical because I thought I couldnt get out if I needed to. I got into a mega rage and totally flipped and smashed up loads of stuff. I was awful. All because of a set of stupid keys. I wanted to kill myself after. Sounds a little OTT I agree. But I really felt so out of control that for 30 minutes or so I was seriously considering it. Thankfully it subsided after my poor OH talked me round. I get a feeling of being out of control when I deem my house to be out of place, or if I haven't controlled my food intake....like over xmas I let myself have a break for two weeks, which I suspect may have played a big part in the freak out.... I guess I'm wondering if this is a BPD symptom or something else. Or is this just a way that not self harming as much is manifesting itself? Anyone else had experience of this?
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