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About One_Flew_Over

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    Recently relocated from Mars to Earth, it sucks here.
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    Music is my savior.

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  1. "I don't feel good and I don't feel like I should -- must be my medicine -- I think, I think, little pills is necessary."

  2. It goes without saying that everyone hates being depressed, it's the worst fucking feeling in the world...I was on Narcotics for so long that my body is still in shock from being off of them -- but I am in legit fucking pain. This is not detox pain, this is muscular shoulder/back pain, how I got on opiates in the first place -- using prescription strength acetaphetamine and IBUPROFEN for pain relief is like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound, very subtle relief. So I ride the roller coaster of mania/depression. Day to day, hour to hour. I suck it up, put on a smile, say whatever, I can deal, there are people out there whom are way worse off than me blah blah blah, I write about it to vent in my journal every day just to let it out. I realize nothing is going to take away my physical and mental pain like a Narcotic and I am having a hulluva time dealing with this. It's a rock and a hard place. Do things, keep busy, simple tasks can cause my muscular injuries to act up, then I feel like like whine ass for complaining. I am my own worse critic. My heavy moods bring my partner down, I feel like a jerk for feeling so blah, but it's like fuck I can't help it, I wish I was BETTER at hiding my true feelings all of the time. She has her own set of issues with pain from a medical condition but refuses to take narcotics, she doesn't like the way they make her feel, and she has PTSD about personal relationships and addicts. Am I an addict? Sure as shit...but in the sense of, well, instead of taking 2, I took 4, and at one point I was playing around with a very dangerous cocktail and I know I am lucky to be alive...did I ever knock over a pharmacy or steal to score? No. Did I ever buy it off the street? No. Was I ever an IV user? No...but it's all apples and oranges right? If you're an addict you're all lumped in to the same category. I have no desire what-so-ever to become that again. I just want the pain to stop. I don't want to be Manic Depressive -- I refuse to rely on a life long happy pill, to me, the long term effects of anti depressants are ridiculous, one might argue that the long term effects of narco's are as well, which is valid, however, looking at the side effects of say Prozac VS a Perc 5 (for example) makes me wonder why they stopped prescribing Morphene to depressed people back in the day. I never took a narc that made me bleed out of my ass or gain 20lbs in a week, feel worse (suicidal thoughts/banging head of kitchen counter). Aren't you fucking with your brain/body just as much if not more by taking an anti-depressant or mood stabilizer? I couldn't function on some anti-psychotics I was prescribed in the past -- I became an emotionless zombie...couldn't live life, sorta like being depressed only you don't feel so your not sad, just so sedated sorta like being high, but not euphoric, just dumb. It all seems so hypocritical how one is justifiable but the other isn't (maybe this also depends on where you live and such) so I am nervous about seeing a PDOC these days. I am nervous about an alternative pain management clinic, cause guess what? I want it to stop now. I don't know how much longer I can tolerate this shit -- Pain = Irritability. GO AWAY. The solution is simple. Yet so conflicting in my situation. I love when someone says they're taking Lortab for HEADACHES...I wanna come through the computer and smash their fucking skull, got a headache now??? I try to avoid triggers but they're everywhere. No escape. Feeling hopeless. Fake a smile. Stay calm. /vent
  3. Right on man. Kind of hard to mess up pro-nouns online, that is the comfort of anonymity -- I didn't have to come out to ya'll but I chose to cause it's apart of who I am, and I wanted to open that door of dialog and also see if there were others -- very nice to meet you mate. I think the gender spectrum is amazing -- in all my research about the Trans* community over the years I only recently (6 months ago) learned of the demographic in Trans* culture, guys who are on the flamboyant side, some still sexually identifying themselves as Lesbian's even after years of T and post surgeries. I think it's apart of the FTM brotherhood that is often overlooked as we get stereotyped as wanting to be as masculine as possible, to pass, to be stealth, however, not always the case for some. It's a process all our own. I am definitely not flamboyant -- I was born with an X chromosome, came out with in an XY body however slightly abnormal in certain areas but not clinically a hermaphrodite. I wouldn't say I try to be hella macho and stealth, I am just naturally more masculine in my mannerisms + style of dress, hair and such....but, when someone ID's me as a lesbian I wanna rip their fucking head off and shit down their windpipe (just sayin) get all like "you don't know me bitch" Jerry Springer style, If it's someone who is just getting used to calling me the proper pronouns and such, not doing it to be an ignorant tool I am fine, cause it takes time. I've known all of my life but it has been an uphill battle in terms of acceptance -- when I told my family in my early 20's they discouraged me, that hurt like hell...and then my own fears and such, but all of the "risks" associated with transitioning far out way the cons of living life stuck in this body and the mental anguish taking it's toll. Anyways -- just a little summin summin about me, congrats on your appointment I hope it goes supurb - and thank you for the well wishes brother, if you ever wanna talk, feel free to PM me tell me more about your story. Thanks for all the warm welcomes, makes me all warm and fuzzy and shit haha ~Love you beautiful~
  4. The Beatles - Let It Be

  5. I have made a few posts but haven't introduced myself officially, so hey all.. First off -- I have a dark sarcastic sense of humor sometimes, some people don't get it -- so I am trying to tone it down and remind myself to be more sensitive when posting, so I do apologize if I have ever offended anyone. Basically, I am here for the same reason every one else is, a sense of community free from judgement. I am a Trans* identified person, I prefer male pronouns as I live my life true to myself, I am going to be seeing someone who specializes in this area as I want to start hormone therapy to transition as soon as my insurance kicks in. My true self needs to come out and shine, it has been trapped for so so so so long in this body, causing me a great deal of stress and depression -- which is where I think most (if not all) of my MI stems from. In the past 4 years I have been diagnosed with- Major Depression; Bi-Polar; PTSD; BPD; General Anxiety. I am due for a tune-up -- again waiting on insurance to get sorted out. I am in a long term relationship (6 years) with an amazing womyn, she's not perfect (god knows I'm not) but she's perfect for me; despite all of our trials and tribulations we have made it and I believe we will keep making it because she is my souls recognition of it's counter part in another. What doesn't kill you only makes you stranger....we're perfectly strange. Stared & Scared. I have become some what isolated and lonely in the friendship department, I find it difficult to trust, so I don't make myself available -- it seems like everytime I find someone I click with on more than a surface level they end up hurting me in one way or another. I love music, I love writing/reading, movies -- the arts, hiking, biking, traveling, cars. I love to smile and laugh. I am an addict in recovery, making it 1 day at time.
  6. Just dont give a fuck.

  7. Oh, I understand perfectly. Talk to the social worker for an hour, follow up with pdoc, ASAP, before your "case manager" even really knows you - the PDoc goes based mostly on what they have written about you, asking only for your opinion, while someone (lets be honest here it doesn't take much intelligence to get in to the field of social work) because they took a year's worth of training has the facts about you in an hour of meeting. Give me an old bird with 20 years+, I'll jump when asks and say how high, give me some young clam who dresses like a drag queen (I say that in a term for a female who wears too much make up and looks unprofessional, ass showing skirts and such) and looks like she just graduated HS I can't help but laugh my ass off (social worker) Then because the social worker sucks the PDoc sucks, one can't do their job, neither can the other, the patient suffers in the end. Sorry, community level treatment is fraudulent as the government who endorses its sickness of the people keeping the machine spinning. You're just another number lost in the shuffle.
  8. Maybe it's causing you to have RLS because of the med's you're on? Try some Sleepy Time Tea after you take ZzzQuil?
  9. I've been on both as well, and I also found seroquel way too sedating however depokote was more tolerable, although I still felt like it put my light out all together. In the past I was in treatment for dealing with the grief & loss obviously depressed, off the walls in the sense of being necrotic in behavior. Anyways, the mental health center I was going to required patients to see a pdoc couldn't do just talk therapy -- so a rather quick diagnosis and a script and I was on my way. Never stuck with it. Got through it myself -- some not so healthy ways, but it is what it is and the past is the past. I think when I come out of the darkness of Opiate P.A.W.S. (3 years of abuse) this dark cloud will lift. One day at a time thinking. Although -- I am reaching out and seeking private therapy, if I spill my guts and this person gives me a diagnoses I'll take it seriously and move forward in treatment and consider what IMO is intense med treatment (these drugs.) I am a very strong willed person (hard to admit I need help, and when I have in past I have been failed more often than not) and I have issues with psychiatry but I am not here to give my 2 cents on that. These med's save lives every day, but as an individual (in the past) they made me feel worse, so I'm not alone on that.
  10. I was just wondering what your opinion's are based on personal experiences with these drugs.
  11. Thank you I am working on finding a psychiatrist, doing it the private route this time vs. a state level (community) center. As much as I have internal conflict with certain Med's, and Doc's. I do recognize I need them. When I am not being a Spaz, I have self awareness which is key to the process of allowing it (talk therapy, over coming addictions) to really work this time. I didn't go to a meeting today -- but just talking briefly in the chat room here was a big help when I was having an urge and losing my mind. This site is really helping me through my process.
  12. Breaking is better than chewing or letting it desolve.
  13. Thank you, I appreciate the well wishes. Yes, that is the outlook I try to have, however on a medical level I have slaughtered my Serotonin; Dopamine; Norepinephrine natural level's, which can take years to repair, or may not repair at all -- despite med's or not. Pain management clinic's are all about substituting one narcotic to get you off another -- best chance I got is a complete holistic method for pain (aside from OTC meds as mentioned above) which eventually would be nice to get off because I am trashing my liver with it....then again I think about the other damage being caused by the med's I still take, and the future med's I will be prescribed again, I just know all too well; I am the asshole that tells the doctor the facts while s/he tells me what I want to hear "oh take this for your anxiety" - "oh you're giving me a blood pressure medication that's going to lower my heart rate and blood pressure when I have low BP? faaaack you" - "NURSE wheres the anti seizure meds? I got a headache!!" "Oh don't worry sir, not enough MG to work as an anti-depressant" yeah, well, I gained like 30 pounds in a week cause I can't shit and became an anti social creep in a trench coat, found myself in a bathtub full of butterknives and cherry koolaid. Put the pictures on my Instagram. It's a constant battle of love and hate. I can't be the only one frustrated by medical professionals. I know what works. The sun causes cancer, the air we breath is toxic, nuclear war could happen at any minute -- fucking aliens could wipe out this whole round ball we're spinning on at any minute but nooooo I am a douche bag junkie for wanting a couple treats of warmth? Fuck em. Skittles. I'm out.
  14. I am not crazy. The world is crazy. I am just it's mirror.

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