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Necroleon Blownapart

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  • Gender
    Man
  • Location
    US
  • Interests
    Cooking, mixing drinks, reading, video games.
  1. I still fall into the trap of letting my weight dictate my life. I know now that it isn't healthy to be so self-conscious and self-critical, but that doesn't stop me from thinking "I'll wear fitted clothes again when my waist size is x" and BS like that. It really is an issue of self-consciousness for me; I feel like I will look weird or people will think I've slipped and let myself go. In reality, I still get a lot of comments on how skinny I am, even though I'm into the "healthy" weight range and have been there for over a year now (woot!). Those comments don't help. It's such a cognitive dissonance. It's weird; when I started restricting, I wasn't even concerned with the way I looked. It's horrible the way weight and appearance insinuate themselves so frigging completely. For a therapy assignment a long time ago, I wrote out a short list of things that I liked about myself, that I had improved as a direct result of getting away from the ED. On an impulse, I showed it to my guy, and he added a lot of things onto the list. I was pretty sick when I met him, so he has seen me at worst and best both. I had been tempted to toss the list, because I was embarrassed and uncomfortable with it, but when he wrote in it I couldn't throw it away. I've kept, and kept it updated, ever since. It's on my laptop and my smartphone. I reference that when I feel triggered and crappy; it's kind of sappy, but it really does work. I do the light exercise thing, too. I like calisthenics; it makes me feel good to do pushups or lunges correctly and easily. I like feeling like I'm in control of my own body without having to starve it. I took some of the clothes from my lowest weight and burned them in the backyard in the barbecue. It was an uncomfortable experience, because I realized that I still had that stubborn ghost in the back of my mind that held on to the idea of needing them again. For that reason, I think it was necessary, even though it felt weird. I hate that uncertainty, and not being able to trust myself to know whether my "reasonable" really is reasonable. It isn't even the weight, really. It's that sucking hole of not being able to trust myself anymore.
  2. I agree with the suggestion of a card; that shows some willing, but doesn't put you into toxic contact with her. I don't know you apart from reading your posts elsewhere, so I'm sorry if I overstep here, but it's okay to accept some gestures and attention from family--to acknowledge their statement that you're important to them, and a good mom. I do think that Mother's Day is partly selfish for the family; it gives them an opportunity to feel good and make gestures for you. Maybe it would be better and easier to say you want things to be low key, because you don't really want to celebrate. Maybe they could make you dinner, or just tell you how much you mean to them. This is your day, after all. My relationship with my mom was pretty distant from an early age. I understand what you're talking about when you say your own mom doesn't take an interest in you or your family, even to make token gestures. It was similar for me. She's been dead a few years now. I think about her on Mother's Day, but it only makes me realize how little I knew her. We did get a big bouquet of flowers for my partner's mom, though, and a nice chess set; she likes to play. We're taking her out for supper tonight. She told us she didn't need anything "fancy" (direct quote), but she is really good at not letting herself be spoiled, so it's nice to have an opening.
  3. I only make art for my own benefit, anyway. The only people who see it are my partner and my therapist. I should maybe specify that. Severe depression is pretty much irredeemable, I agree with you there. It's pretty much a pit with greased sides. But the way I see it, if it's going to come and kick me around periodically for the rest of my life, I may as well try to turn it into something, so I don't feel those periods of my life were time sinks. It also doesn't do me any good to "woe is me" too much.
  4. I've learned that I don't have to die of this shit. I can keep going, even when it doesn't make sense to me to do it. When I'm not depressed, remembering how horrible I felt during depression is good for my creativity. I write good poetry or make non-objective paintings out of those experiences. I've learned that people around me really do care, even when I'm not fun or entertaining to be around. That's one of those things I stumble across from time to time, and marvel at.
  5. When I have a negative or hateful thought about myself, I try to write it down if I can. Then I'm not allowed to think about it anymore; I blot it out and distract myself with something else. Later, when a few hours have passed, I look back at the written down thought and critique it with a more distant mind. Creating that space helps me see those thoughts as self-sabotage. As an added benefit, I can take that written down thought and tear it up for some visual affirmation. I think it's the accountability that helps this work. If I write it down, I have to take responsibility for it, instead of just letting it go unchallenged.
  6. I think this is so hard for people to understand because they've never felt it. It's like me failing to understand someone who's been snorkeling. I've been in the pool before, but the two experiences kind of stop being similar there.
  7. I didn't know about the butterfly thing. These are really cool. CNJ, does the person who made those have a link to an Etsy page or anything?
  8. Thanks lysergia. This is nice to read. I need to remember that I'm not always a downer. There have been times when I've felt better, and been able to enjoy my life instead of just going through the motions and feeling bad all the time. This hasn't always been this way. Thanks. I needed that. Haha! I appreciate that. I'll leave the Cheddar at the house.
  9. This is EXACTLY what it feels like. Like you're looking at yourself and going through the motions but something is missing. I feel outside of myself and very "floaty" if that makes any sense. Yep, it makes a lot of sense. You describe it well. For what it's worth, my doctor calls this depersonalization. It can be hard, but sometimes grounding techniques help me with that floating feeling. For me, it works best with objects. Sometimes if I interact with people when I'm like that, it's hard for me to accept them as real.
  10. Aw, hey, thanks for the replies. I'm in therapy, yeah. We mostly focus on trauma, but there's a little CBT in there too. Those skills seem to help as much as anything, especially with the irritability and moodiness. I talked to my T about this in my appointment last week, and she was the one who suggested that I ask for an increase on my depression meds. I'm taking Zoloft, but I've only been on it a couple months, so I still have some room to go up. Some days are better than others.
  11. In a way, though it sort of sucks to be having the same issues, it's good to be able to relate, too. It's a powerful feeling.
  12. I always wear the same kind of stuff, but I'm kind of the opposite of you. I went into "goth" when I was in my late teens/early twenties, and I've never really gotten out of it. In fact, I still have a lot of the clothes I bought several years ago, because I get the well made stuff and buy adjustable, or bribe my partner's mother to tailor it for me. I always feel self-conscious, like people stare at me, so I figured I might as well force a confrontation on my own terms. If people are staring and whispering, it will be about something that I control. If that makes any sense. The ironic thing is that now it's leaving the house in jeans or sweats that makes me anxious and vulnerable, so I will change even just to run to the grocery store or the post office.
  13. I'm feeling really down lately. Being ill all the time is getting under my skin. I know everyone here knows that drill. I'm in pain a lot with sciatica even with the exercises and meds to help control it. Headaches, nightmares and trauma shit, depression, sleeping poorly. Whine, whine, whine. It seems to me that I piss and moan a lot. I'm moody and irritable. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, not even things that I usually enjoy. I isolate myself. I'm annoyed with every little fucking thing. It seems like all I do is complain. It makes me feel guilty, especially for my partner who has to live with that. I irritate myself, just listening to myself talk. I do try to keep positive. I write gratitude lists. I try to call or IM with people just to touch base with them. I do pretty well keeping up with stuff in the house. Play with the cat. It just doesn't feel like it's enough. It doesn't make me feel better. I'm just doing it because I feel bad for being such an asshole. I don't know what to do except ask the pdoc for a possible med tweak and keep my fucking mouth shut. I just feel like I suck right now and I needed the vent. Thanks.
  14. ^ This is wise. I've been thinking about this. Would it be possible, instead of burning the letters and then burning yourself, to maybe write a few words on yourself with a marker in a place that doesn't show under your clothes? Then when it faded it would be gone like you had burned it. Do you have any kind of stress relief? A week is a long time for such an upset. Would there be anything that might give Oracle some control over the situation, so she might feel better?
  15. I'm sorry. It's so hard to let anyone else see those things. I think you're doing awesome to be able to show the tdoc. That takes a lot of strength to do. But what happened wasn't your fault. You aren't dirty, I promise. I know the need to be "clean" and "okay" can be overwhelming. Sometimes you just can't ignore it. That's why ritual works so well. It feels like it's doing something about the feelings. Is there a different way of doing the ritual? Maybe instead of burning, you could write those things, give them some time alone or in your therapy appointment, and then bury them. Put them to rest. Or you could write them, then write a letter to yourself when you went through it, as a different kind of cleanse. You don't need to be scourged clean. It's okay to be who you are now, even in those painful memories. They're sad and angry but the person you were in those memories is still you, and still good. Not spoiled or bad at all.
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