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serafina

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About serafina

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  1. Never.Flying.Again. If this is true, I am sick.
  2. I'm sure this has been covered before but I don't have the energy to search. I've crashed into depression (and-or medicated myself there) from a mixed state this past month. It was my first one. Previous hypomanias have been happy so I haven't had to deal with it. I've read my blog and what I posted on the forums in the last month and I am very much afraid of damage in real life of what I might have said and done. This is not helping the depression voice inside my head. What do you do for damage control after a mixed epidode? I really can't deal with it right now, but suggestions might help quiet depression voice just a little. And I will have some idea of how to fix things qhwn I am feeling better and able to.
  3. I WANT to be nice. I WANT to let him take care of me. But I can't. Why am I so mean to BF and everyone else who is so nice to me? Why am I such a bad person? Why is this effing illness making me not who I want to be?
  4. I only vent about the bad stuff with my BF and usually in the middle of an episode by one of us. It's not always easy, but it is totally worth it. I hope it works out for you, if it is what you both want
  5. Stupid BF... why does he have to be so good to me when I am so mean and such a bad person? Why can't he be mean back so I can be mad at him for real? And why was I such an idiot for making him go to therapy with me and the stupid therapist making us write the stupid relationship agreement? And why does he get to be stable and pdoc thinks I'M mixed? He's the one who is BP1 and mixed. Not me. So why am I in an effing mixed episode and HE gets to be all nice and take care of me? This just effing sucks!
  6. This is exactly it. If pdoc is right I will need to learn this. I hope he is wrong and this is a one time deal. Thank you. It is medicated away which means that the irritation is gone but I really feel medicated. I don't like this either, but it's better than last weekend
  7. I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets like this. Although I'm sorry others do too. BF does. We have big fights then. But not now. He walks away from me. I don't. Maybe I will now. I like the idea of godzilla. But I don't have the patience to make the city right now. Maybe when I am better. We have a pile of chipped and broken dishes for BF. I threw a couple. Pdoc gave me valium yesterday morning. I feel nothing. In a good way. I don't want to kill anyone who gets in my way. I just feel anxiety now. And when I don't I can feel the crash coming. Not yet. But it is coming. Pdoc was talking about maybe BP 1 depending on how this episode goes. I wasn't paying attention just trying to not say or do anything I would regret later. BF told me later. I go back tomorrow or Thursday. BF knows. I just effing hate everything about this effing illness.
  8. I'm home for the foreseeable future. Hypomania often means shopping but not in this state. Not the mall not this time of the year. Shredding paper sounds good. Probably won't hurt myself or BF doing that. And it will take longer than breaking dishes.
  9. How do you do it? I always have had happy hypomanias and been reluctant to medicate them away. I crash hard into depression if I don't, though, so I do, but I secretly enjoy the time until the meds start working. Not this time. I didn't believe I was hypomanic because I'm not happy. Unfortunately all the other signs are there. I'm so irritable I can't stand it. I just wrote an awful blog post and it didn't make me feel better. I thought it might. Pdoc put me back on Seroquel and upped my Lamictal. 400 mg Seroquel and 200 mg Lamictal now. It's not helping yet. BF says a benzo helps him. I guess I can try it? How do you deal with this irritability and anger and rage and just wanting to break every effing thing in your way? This is new for me and I don't like it AT ALL! I feel like I'm about to lose control and I'm going to regret it later. ETA I can't even effing post. First the stupid error message says I'm not allowed to post it and signs me out of CB. I KNOW I put this in the bipolar section so why is it here when I log back in?? BF says I have to turn off the computer before I break it. FINE!
  10. My supervisor's boss called me into her office yesterday. I posted in another thread about telling at work about being called into her office after missing work for a good part of the summer and her helping me get my job protected. I now officially have a "chronic medical condition that may require time off at irregular intervals". The same wording that she has she said. She also has bipolar I found out at the first meeting. She says this is good because no one can specify "irregular intervals". It can mean seeing tdoc and pdoc once a week or more or it can mean all the time I was off last summer in the middle of the episode. I guess this is good? My BF says now they can't fire me for missing work? Supervisor's boss asked if I was ok. Yes, I said and burst into tears. Obviously not. I really wish I wouldn't cry at work and especially in front of her. Even if she knows. I said they were tears of relief, but I'm not sure she believed me. How can I stop crying? Any suggestions?
  11. So, it turns out BF was not taking his meds. That explains a lot. His mom found out. He is now. Things are a little better. He has agreed to therapy when he is feeling better. But he's not mean anymore. And he is spending time at my place again. I'm not as stable as I would like to think I am I am realizing which is not helping either. But we had a long fight - discussion - crying session and decided we want to be together. We just need to figure it all out. Once we figure out ourselves. This relationship stuff is harder than I thought.
  12. I'm on Lamictal. My pdoc said that they start all BP2 patients on it and then go from there. I also have Seroquel that I take when I can feel hypomania coming or need something for sleep.
  13. Yes. I was dx with depression put on an AD felt better canceled follow up appointment and took myself off AD. In hindsight it was probably hypomania. Did this several times. Finally my gp referred me to a pdoc who dx me BP2. I hate squashing a nice hypomania because they are always the pleasant productive type, but they ALWAYS end with a nasty crash into depression and that is what keeps me med compliant, the thought of depression.
  14. Melancholic. It seems to fit actually which a lot of these things that are on Facebook don't.
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