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Alie Fireside

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Posts posted by Alie Fireside


  1. I've been right where you are. You feel like nobody is there to help, you can't explain your feelings and emotions to anyone bc they won't understand. I self medicated with mj for over a yr (with my pdoc's knowledge) and then one day, I just didn't have that NEED to do it. I've never been hospitalized, self injured, or overdosed. I'm 35 and have only been correctly diagnosed for 4yrs. I am still tweaking my meds for the right combo(just increased seroquel to 300mg). I like to spend time in chat bc I feel like I have real friends there. I don't have to participate if I don't feel like it, but they are still there and that helps. Hope you find the help you are looking for. If you have any ?'s for me feel free to msg me. 


  2. I am BP with anxiety NOS, and depression. Not to mention ADD. I would suggest you start monitoring how much you smoke. I noticed that I too get nauseated and dizzy with the ringing ears if I smoke too much. Now it doesn't happen all the time, but if I haven't eaten or my blood sugar is low, it's more likely to happen. The more depression and irritation comes from part of the 'need'. It is similar to a withdrawal symptom, especially if you do it daily. I do enjoy smoking, and I find that it helps more than any benzo I've tried. Everyone is different. I told my pdoc that I smoke and I would highly suggest you do the same and let them know what you experience. I got excessively bad ringing ears and nausea and lightheaded while I was on lithium. Smoke in moderation. Don't go overboard with it. You want to still function, not be uh.... oh... yah... 

    Hope this helps.


  3. I also have a fear of everything. For me, its simple things like taking a shower, going from one room to another. I have a constant scared feeling that relates to nothing and everything. There are random times that I do 'forget' or not notice this feeling. It is very uncomfortable and unsettling. Other than letting you know you are not alone and that you can find support here, I have no advice for making it easier to bear. 


  4. Its not dying or death that scares me. it is what happens afterward. we're here... then we're gone. things just don't disappear. they may change in form - gas, liquid, solid, but they are still in existence. I fear that I will be able to see all the pain and not be able to do anything. .

     

     

    no, nobody recently has passed, nor am I suicidal. this fear of having no control or say in what matters once I am dead keeps me from the suicidal line... 

     

    I do believe in ghosts and supernatural things. maybe that has something to do with it.. If I'm a ghost, how do I let them know its me??

     

    I don't want to die and be left all alone.... in some place that no one knows.


  5. IMO it sounds like the beginning of hypomania.  When my mood is better than usual, I want to spend/online order just about everything, and I practically jump out of bed in a good mood and ready to go anywhere, even after an hour of sleep, I know I am headed toward hypomania.

    I managed to not spend more than I could afford. I still feel really good. I want to go do stuff, be active. been hornier than usual. I would say this is what I think is my normal. doesn't happen very often, but when it does I love it. maybe I have never been even hypomanic. 


  6.  so the last few nights or so I've been waking up randomly feeling energized and awake. I've only had these sleep interruptions a handful of times and typically last a few days to a few weeks. I am waking up in a better mood rather than wanting to chop the head off the person that is waking me up or bawling my eyes out bc I really don't want to get out of bed. I was getting ready for bed last night and felt happy  but was having a panic attack. I still am not sure what it was caused by, but I know I was having one. Then today I was getting ready and noticed that I want to spend money. I posted before about wanting to spend money and being able to talk myself out of it. I have been spending money that I usually wouldn't be. I want a detangling comb bc mine pulls my pulls my hair. I want black shoes bc I don't have any. I want,  I want, I want.... and if I can justify that I need it ie. bc my comb pulls my hair. I will buy it. I've talked myself out of buying it for months now, but I had to have it. Its getting worse too... 


  7. in a way. the 'other' symptoms(racing thoughts, talking faster/more, grandiose, expansive mood, lack of sleep etc)I have on a regular basis. I have a fear of people thinking I'm weird or something is wrong with me so when I think I am talking to fast I shut down. If I think I know more than they do I don't want to sound conceited so I stop talking. The racing thoughts make me paranoid and/or anxious so non of it lasts very long. but the cycle repeats itself continuously.  


  8. I've come home with new power tools for the hubby, home surround system at christmas time, furniture when I've felt vulnerable, grandiose, lonely, relaxed and happy, relaxed and bleh.. I know I have rapid mixed cycling. so all the symptoms are sorta mixed. The big difference with the rationalizing on the spending is my reason and how I can justify it. 

    so if there are no other symptoms then am I just at my 'average'? went through extreme anxiety learning that instead of knowing I am unable to obtain the purchase and feeling vulnerable and empty, it went to I can get it but I really don't want it. we have no credit cards, and no more than $50 in cash or in the bank. so I really have no way to spend the money. 


  9. I always want to spend money but it varies. Just spending money on lottery tickets, a soda, maybe stopping for a special coffee or ice cream, something that I don't need but want to spend money. At times I can justify buying and xbox, surround sound, stereo, $80 headphones, a new phone or tablet, totally impractical. Others its usually seat covers, a new laptop bag, clothes at a 2nd hand store. Something I want but don't really need. How would one tell what episode these fall into?


  10. its that feeling of anxiety but after you push past it you get euphoric and the adrenaline starts going and the ADHD light goes on. Racing thoughts, some come with a topping of Intrusive thoughts. After a few dozen or so of those, and the fear from those intrusive thoughts the worry and terror of them generates whatever, and its a viscous cycle. the flip-flop occurs randomly without signs or a known trigger. Since 10 I have fallen asleep on the couch, sitting in my boys' room, then on the couch again. Hubby went to bed, relaxed in the hammock. came in and opened the laptop.  It's now 2:30am, 


  11. having the ability to stay out of bed not hiding under the covers wanting to cry. 

    kids are up and chores are mostly done

    tomorrow is Opie's bday party

    possibly having my mom take the boys so I feel like I can breathe easier and maybe have a melt down if needed (in privacy)


  12. 1. It did not make me drowsy. I was actually happy and excited to get out of bed in the morning and start doing things.

    2. I can't distinguish yet between the mania and depression. I experience similar symptoms during both episodes.  

    3. The main reason this was a good choice for me to try as my first 'mood stabilizer' bc it doesn't cause weight gain. I had lost over 30# 2 yrs ago and worked really hard for it and had kept it off for over a yr. I have not gained any weight in the last 8 months I've been on it. I still have feelings and emotions with it, but I understand them. unlike with anti-depressants I basically didn't care about much and was numb to a lot of things.

    4. Titration was slow going for me. 25 for a week, bc I am also sensitive and slightly paranoid I increased to 37.5 for 4 days. 50 for about a week and half. then 75 for a week before going to 100. that was when I noticed the biggest diff. Was sleeping better, didn't dread going to bed but wasn't tired either. woke up in the morning not wanting to crawl under the covers and hide.  I figured this was great so I went to 150 after the scheduled 2 weeks. NOT A GOOD IDEA. things were back to where they were when I first started it - no where. Dropped back to the 100 and slowly made the adjustment up to 200 over a 5-6 month period. 


  13. 'skittles' has been a friend of mine for over a yr now. I have not been officially diagnosed but the possibility of rapid cycling BP is where we're at. I am currently taking 150mg of Lamictal with 25mg of zoloft (as a REM suppressant) at night and 15mg of adderall in the morning. The 3.5g will last me close to 2 weeks and has taken me through an entire month. I would smoke more often when my hubby was traveling for school to help with my anxiety that skyrockets when he is gone and it also got my motivation up to where I felt like I had energy. I wouldn't even consider it a 'hit' just a taste or puff.  :D . I have noticed that different breeds will act differently than others, which in my area is hard to know which is which. When I went to my first doc appt for med management I told her that I smoked pot. I also told her how much and how it affected me and why. FOR ME... she said that she didn't see a problem with that. However, now that I am on meds that actually work and I am not cycling multiple times in an hour, I don't need it to help ease the stress and make me feel calm, boost my energy and lift my spirits. I do, still on occasion take a few puffs when I really need to chill out and I know xanax isn't going to do it. 

    Sylvan is right, being stable is the most important part. As well as Elvis, if  you think it isn't interfering with the stability, take some time off and see what changes. I didn't notice the effect or think that there was any until I took a break. 

    Let your doc know about it - he/she might have some good info and advice on it

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