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About thebakerbunny

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    secretly a 68 year old woman in a 30 something's body; basically, if your grandmother enjoys something, so do i. reading is something more natural and ingrained in me than most basic functions.

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  1. I noticed immediately the crossover of those same feelings with OCD, and then later the mention of ptsd. I definitely suffer mdd, possibly bpd, definitely OCD and ptsd. The closest I can explain it is a spectrum running from hate of self, to hate of self expectations, to hate of people, to hate of other's expectations, to nihilistic endpoint. I'd say it also runs a line of passivity to activity for me. Passive ideation (I just don't want to BE anymore), to reactive ideation (how is this my life? Is this all my life? How much longer can i let this be my life?), to active ideation (I have to put an end to this pain). So may be it's all just the cycle of being so depressed, and needing control, without understanding any of the in-between.
  2. I don't know what kind of strides or spirals you may have seen since then, I know- knew even in the moment- that my parents hardcore stepping in and saying, nope, you're not going back to school after spring break- we're going to western psych was the best decision. They knew that I was just getting worse and worse, and they knew that I hadn't found good therapists or pdocs on campus, who really probably weren't a great fit for the well I was stuck in. I hated it because it meant that I would *poor* disappear from school life. But TL;DR- I'd look for a close by hospital with a devoted psych ward to your/her house or school. It will give her some semblance of belonging and being, plus they'll be able to give you ideas about what treatment plans might be most effective, and give you a wider access to therapists and psychiatrists. It was something that I'm forever grateful that the recognized how bad I was and took me to somewhere close, to a familiar (and happy-associated) place to me.
  3. Hi, all. I feel like a newb oldie: been on here a while, still feel dumb as shit with all the o chem breakdowns and acronyms. Anyway- I've been maxed out on effexor xr for years now. I've taken it pretty consistently for...12 years? with a few breaks to try something new. There aren't many details I can remember well (always had a bad memory, now it's basically a vestigial feature), but here's what I've garnered: *SSRIs and i seem to not mix. Not just some side effects, but all the side effects, and no or negative improvement. *wellbutrin did nothing for me. Not good, not bad- just nothing. *Effexor was good- great, even- before I tapped out. I've just been staying with it till I can figure something out. *currently, I take 225 mg Effexor (and several doctors have told me now that they flat out won't go above that), 150 lamictal, and klonopin and Ambien as needed. (And as I've been mightily depressed lately...I've been "as needing" them a lot more.) I've been wanting to change for a while now, and I've been studying up to see what might be some better options, but haven't had a tdoc or pdoc in the meantime. I'm meeting new ones shortly and I want to take some suggestions to them. Problem is that I'm allergic to a few things, with varying degrees of severity and type of allergic reactions. Any suggestions of SNRIs, TCAs, or MAOIs that aren't: *sulfa-meds (full body hives. Like...full body- between my toes, in my buttcrack...😬) *compazine (difficult breathing, light anaphylaxis.) *darvocet, Vicodin (full-blown anaphylaxis.) I have been given morphine with no reaction (so, what- does this mean that synethics cause issues, but cleaner natural versions don't?), and take imitrex regularly. I'm not smart enough to understand all of the individual components, and too ADD to have the patience to learn which causes what. I feel like it's got be something pretty potent, since I've been middling- to severely-depressed pretty constantly (easily 8 out those 12 years), but I also don't need anything that's going to make me lethargic. Apathetic, fine- just please, no serious drowsiness. I defer to you guys and gals and pals for what your thoughts are on what might be most effective, but also won't send me to the ER.
  4. I posted a week or so about this, in many more words. It's been happening a lot with my oldest and best friend (might as well be my s.o.). I just wanted to say that seeing this thread makes me feel better knowing that other people fuck up, too. Thanks, dudes, dudettes, and dudems.
  5. Same. I had to look it up when I realized that my depressive episodes have overwhelmingly been in the summer; definitely a person with reverse SAD. I know that part of it is that it's when I'm out-of-my-mind stressed with work. Wedding season + pastry chef = longgg hours, hard work, little sleep. Is there a definable reason for you, gearhead?
  6. I'm similarly struggling. My best friend and I (20 years) haven't been on the same page in a long time. On my part, I haven't been a good friend, which I know and have owned. On her part, she refuses to ever accept that she has caused any hurt to me/our relationship, and only seems to turn it around that all our problems are only due to my mental illness. I can't talk to her without her being utterly patronizing or downright unkind. (Even worse, probably, because she loves to couch it in phrases like "you're spiraling...", while only adding to my feelings of shame and aloneness.) She has extremely severe and chronic Crohn's, so for a while, she was one of the few people who got suffering on the inside. She says she's getting nothing from our friendship anymore, but if *I* change, she'd reconsider. Tl;Dr- she has gotten some therapy, I have not. On the other hand, I acknowledge personal flaws, and am sincere with apologies and trying to do better; she does not. At this point, after going this same way for a year, do you guys think it's something that will actually be salvageable, and is worth it? P.s. this is all compounded in that she's close with my family, and they will openly gossip about me at this point. So she will- has- told my sisters some very judgemental things, not under the guise of wanting to help; to openly and specifically be as hurtful as possible.
  7. it's funny, because i had this exact thought about "hmm, am i the only one to notice my tendency to spiral down in the nasty summer weather" almost exactly the same day this topic was started. i did look into it, and yeah, anger and general irritation are noticeable symptoms. people always try cajole me into liking sun, and heat, and blllllllleggggh. i love rain, and snow, and fall, and winter. and night. so, you know, i get pigeonholed as being a vampire and/or angsty. this is a nice little article about reverse SAD- we're not alone! everyone else can take summer and go pound salt. http://animals.io9.com/reverse-seasonal-affective-disorder-why-do-people-get-1585673865
  8. A couple of things: *I notice with particular med combos, or specific classes of antidepressants (SSRIs), I get intolerably angry. *it seems that with effexor, 75mg is usually when irritably starts to seep in, but goes away with a slightly larger dose. *I've been on effexor xr for five years now. I added lamictal about a year later and only at the beginning of this year went back off of it. I've been tracking myself and it seems like the anger is back. So what does it all mean? Fucked if i know. Maybe these tidbits will help give you some insight. At the very least, know that you're totally not alone.
  9. noooo! no coffee in the house!! why, god, why??

  10. trying to avoid the thought that may will probably be a bad month; getting surgery, death anniversay of a great dude, and finally turning 26 just as i realize all these gray hairs are suddenly coming out.

  11. working hypothesis: once a person has suffered through insomnia, it's difficult to like birds.

  12. holy hell- coming to realize that i've had classic d.i.d. for the majority of my life. mind blown.

    1. bpladybug


      that must be a huge realization, hope you have good support

    2. thebakerbunny


      thanks, bp. I guess I do. it's a little overwhelming, but I can't help but to be amused by the pieces falling into place so neatly.

  13. all you ever need to know on love/marriage (particularly 1:28). rip dancin' outlaw. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5V5-pp6p9pM

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