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About riffraff

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  1. Panz, I hope your evaluation goes well, it thats the term!! If you have trouble leaving the house, it must be utter hell just getting there let alone the stress of having to go through that. You are right, we are different and I just hope he comes up with something better than walking up and down stairs. That ain't going to do it. Your right again about people not understanding and being afraid of other people who SI. I can't say that 5 years ago I wouldn't have been one of them, so I guess we just follow where the path leads and try to understand and learn from others. It sounds corny, but if you care enough to learn about why other people do things it brings a greater understanding to all of your relationships with people. Did that make any sense at all!??!! Anyway, good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you and let us know what happens as soon as you can. Deb
  2. Panz, This might be hard if you are having trouble with depression and drinking, but I have a friend that bikes like mad as a distraction. I won't say it helps her every time, but it seems to help. This isn't the greatest advice, especially when I haven't been able to follow it myself. I'm sorry for all the stress and anxiety that you going through. Take care of yourself. Deb
  3. Went to the tdoc last night and had my suspicions confirmed. There have been for me so far 2 kinds of cutting. The first was from depersonalization, when I felt like I wasn't in the drivers seat and I was out of touch and losing myself. Then I cut and there was no pain, or not much. It was just the confirmation that you did exist, were still in there somewhere and the pain and blood confirmed it. It was verification and there was no "high". The second that I did last week was a lot deeper, at least the first cut and it was pain transference, where you negate emotional pain through physical pain. At this point you get flooded with endorphins and get a high as a reaction. It's the same kind of thing as if someone gets in an accident and cuts their hand off and doesn't feel any immediate pain. What I am afraid of at this point is that it will become a habit. He pretty well reamed me out for not calling him. He said next week we are going to discuss alternatives. It will be interesting to see what that might be since I already take enough drugs to kill a horse. I can't think of 2 many other ways that I have felt a rush like that, that I can feel I am not hurting others and there is no hangover. He says I am hurting others. I say they can't hurt if they don't know. He says eventually I will get caught and then it will not only hurt someone, but it will be a betrayal. As it was I did get caught last week. I had dressed the wound, but hadn't cleaned up the trash can yet and a co-worker came in my office. She got out and out hysteerical and started crying and hugging me. You would have thought I slit my wrist or cut her. Anyway, we will see where it gors from here. Deb
  4. Thanks Panz and Faith. Panz, You are right, I think if you give up one vice you are attracted to another. You have to find an outlet somewhere. I try to find positive things to do, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Once I have decided to cut , there isn't any turning back, even if it happens hours later. Your mind just accepts that you are going to do it. I don't think I could ever bring myself to burn myself, but then I used to think I could never bring myself to cut myself. I usually run into a door or wall on the area where I cut myself and if it stops hurting , I cut again. I had stopped for months though and am afraid of falling into the same pattern. I will tell my tdoc tonight, but I hate to do it, because it means I lied to him about giving him all the scapels. I feel it is a waste of time to go to a tdoc if you are going to lie, so this is tough for me. Hang in there and be safe yourself. Faith, One of the problems is I always cut at work between 3 and 4. If I made up my mind at noon, I will still wait till 3:30 or so. It's really strange, but thats how it is. I tried calling up my husband to tell him I was thinking about it and he says well, don't. Yeah, thats a big help. It is hard for him to understand. It was hard for me to understand until I got there. It's another weird thing, but sometimes it is an empowering thought to know you have a secret. Isn't that sick. Take care of yourself too and thanks for the support. It's good to know there are other people who "get it". Deb
  5. Panz, I selfishly forgot to say I am sorry for your pain as well. Have you stopped before as well? Deb
  6. Thanks Panz, The funny thing is I was just about to get a tattoo where I cut, because I was pretty proud of myself. The release I had was better than benzo's and while I will try to stop, I wonder now if this is just something that is going to happen from time to time. After Friday, I wanted to cut so bad yesterday I was crawling the walls. I called my husband and he said " just don't", gee that helps. He said call my tdoc, but number 1. I told him I gave all the blades to him, so now I'm a liar and number 2. When I've called him in the past he tells me to go up and down the stairs till it hurts and then it will stop the depersonalization, because the pain will remind me I exsist. This time it isn't about depersonalization is about release and being far too sensitive. I thought I had this pretty well under control, but I know I'll be okay again. That is improvement. Deb
  7. Thanks everyone for your interest. You are right. If anyone was ever MI it was his Dad most of all, but he is so far in denial he will never see it. In some conversations with Adrian before Bud's death, his Dad had mentioned "investing" Bud's money as he had control of it since Bud was deemed unable to do so. I never knew if that was an agreement between his Dad and him or if it was court ordered. His Dad had mentioned once that with aggressive investing, since he had very few needs, would amount to a great deal of money over time. We did know that his Dad lost quite a lot of money in the early 80's by investing in real estate, just before it went bust and all the interest rates dropped drastically. So, from Houston I hired a detective in Medina, Ohio. The first thing he found out was that there was a person that had a fight with a cab driver at the mall. The man was black, bud was white. They hadn't even checked that far. Bud did go to the mall in a taxi. The taxi driver said he was extremely polite, passive and gave him a tip. At this point Adrian became interested, even though he thought this was " hurting his family". It may seem deceitful, but from that point at least for a while, I was selective about what I told him. I had posters done professionally and sent them to my sister in law and asked her to post them around the areas where Bud had been. She threw them in the trash. When the investigator never saw any posters he stopped at her house and she told him she had thrown them out because her brother commited suicide and that I was hysterical. I will write more later about how the investigation progressed. Yes, I do feel guilty because I feel like I stopped before I should have. The most painful thing I learned from this experience, besides Bud's death, was that if anything ever happened to me, no one would ever pursue it. When people tell you life is cheap, believe it. Deb
  8. No, by "trashed", I meant they took EVERYTHING" OUT OF HIS ROOM PUT IT IN TRASHBAGS AND LEFT IT OUT FRONT. The only things left out were his notebooks which I have. The thing that caused Adrian and I to go around, was that he didn't want to upset his family and I hired an investigator. He says it was the right thing to do now, but he just flipped out on me then. I think between his brother passing away and the fact that his Dad had just laid all that crap on him, the rest of the family were "relieved" as well and his mother kept repeating " even if we knew more, it won't bring him back." So, I guess our attitude should be if any crime is perpetrated against you or your family, you should just forget about it because " there is nothing you can do to change it." They were prepared to simply erase him. I don't want to paint myself as some great heroine here, but there are times you get up and do what you have to even when it hurts like hell. You don't do it for yourself or to tell anyone else you did the right thing. You do it because someone you care about needs an advocate. It's like someone you love laying in a hospital bed crying for pain medicine while you sit in a chair and watch. You get up off your ass and go to the nurses station and throw a fit till they get what they need. My friends are few and far between. If I'm not there for them, what good am I? Well in the end, not much good and I will always hate myself for it. More later, Deb
  9. I am having trouble feeling like I have any control over my life right now. I also feel majorly abused. I have always found it hard to trust and when I feel like I am ready and I do I get let down again. Then you disappear and all the progress you thought you made fades. I just cut again, after several months of quitting. I have never felt this way from it before, but I actually feel high. Usually I just feel more "connected". I gave all my scalpels to my tdoc, but I didn't tell him I held back 6. Oh well. Deb
  10. Thanks DB and Breeze, It didn't quite work out that way though. My husbands step mother who is a catholic insisted that Bud not be buried in the graveyard because he was a suicide. I was never convinced that he was. The euology that his Dad gave blamed the quakers for his death and illness. It was after Adrian and I got married that I got to know Bud, he came to see us often. We still lived in Columbus then, while he lived in Medina Ohio, close to Cleveland. He got to be friends also with my younger brother. Before they made him into a vegtable, he was incredibly funny, warm and intelligent. His step-mother got him aside one day and asked him why "didn't he stop faking it , you little prick". I think they are saving a special place in hell for her. God this hurts. In any case, after Bud's death whenever I asked about an investigation I was told it was suicide. It never made sense to me. Even if it was suicide, wouldn't you want to find out as much as you could about the situation, just in case it wasn't. As Jerod has put in his details, the MI are more likely to be VICTIMS of crimes than perpertrators. The sherriffs office declared it a suicide because his father, who was a city councilman told him it was. He told them that he had slashed his wrists just a year or so before. Yes he did 20 YEARS before. That shows you how in touch they were with him. We had moved to Houston long before this and had no say in what had happened up to then. His father and sister went to his room ( that none of his family members in Ohio had ever been in, in the 20 years that he had lived there) and trashed everything in his room except the notebooks, which no one wanted, so I have them. More later, Deb
  11. Thanks for the interest guys. At home in the closet on a shelf, I have Buds life. Before the tremor made it so bad that he couldn't write, he wrote poetry and just jotted down things that occurred to him. It's all there is left. Untouched Christmas and birthday gifts were thrown away. He might as well never have exsisted. But, I am getting ahead of myself. At one point, I would say about 18 years ago, Adrians Dad told him that since Bud had no need of money ( He got huge checks from the Army every month for disability), his Dad was "investing" it for him in a trust fund to send all his neices and nephews to college. He made the comment then that Bud probably wasn't going to live long. How he arrived at this decision I'll never know. I didn't talk to the man and at this point neither Adrian or his brother does either. When they found Bud's body, of course we were all grieveing, Adrian most of all. Adrian's Dad called and told him that he was relieved that he was dead and it was just a matter of time before it showed up in him and his siblings too because they all had tainted blood. Of course, it all came from his mother's side of the family. It seems Erin and all the rest of the grandchildren have "tainted" blood too and it is just a matter of time for them as well. More later, Deb
  12. I agree with NY, it is bullshit. I had a similar situation and even went over everyone's head and talked to the CEO, she is better for the moment, but I know it isn't going to last and I'm getting the hell out of here. Have a second interview tomorrow. The book I mentioned helped alot. Deb
  13. Ah Sme, you are such a sweetie! Sam, okay, I can deny you no longer. First I want to brag on my daughter. She is giving all her tips this weekend which is basically her pay to the flood victims. Not the restaurant, just her. I'm proud of her for that. Once Bud was diagnosed, it took them forever, he was put on meds and released. He did have a few incidents where voices told him too kil himself and he slit his wrists. He did have a few times when he became violent. This all happened in the early 70's. His father wouldn't have anything to do with him and his mother couldn't deal with him, so they institutionalized him. Usually in the past when he had those problems it was because he quit taking his meds. Eventually, they put him in a group home, where his meds could be monitored. About this time is when I met him. Adrian showed up with him on my doorstep for our second date. I thought this a little strange at the time, but I learned later that he had a habit of " just showing up" from time to time. We went to a ball game and one of the players got hit pretty hard with the ball and " Bud said " now one of his team mates will come out and drag him to second base." You have to know my sick since of humor but he said it with no inflection in his voice. I liked him from that point on. I told him once that I hated being so vulnerable to other people, and he said he felt vulnerable too, but he thought it was a good thing because it gave you a broader viewpoint of the world. More Later, Deb
  14. Fire, While you are off, go and get the book " What color is your parachute?", there is a 2005 edition. It's been out for years and for a good reason. It works. I have used it twice and both times got job offers. Don't dwell on it the entire time you are off, it will cause your anxiety to zoom. Just put some time aside every day to think about it and then stop. Deb
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