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Blake

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About Blake

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    I can only build if I tear the walls down.

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    Man

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  1. Stressed out, anxious, world-weary, aggravated and very irritable.
  2. I've been in a zero motivation funk for several months. Most days I accept the defeat and go back to bed, but, I've found it very helpful to immediately get started doing something instead of allowing the defeat to creep in. If I get on up, make coffee, take a step outside into the sunshine and make a plan -- like dishes, picking up around the house, whatever -- it helps a lot. So much, in fact. Getting started is the hardest part, but the most beneficial.
  3. I feel like there's a little cloud overhead most of the time. It doesn't take much to make me depressed. I have a shitty world-view and self-perception. I get passively suicidal thoughts fairly often, but as for severe depression, I would say the longest episode was 3-4 years.
  4. Thanks for replying. I appreciate it. I know that I need meds for quality of life also, it's just that commitment is hard sometimes. Even when I know better. I hate it! But, I do it anyways. It's really backwards. I'm glad you found your balance as far as all that's concerned.
  5. Before you jump you need to know -- it's a crazy thing the way I roll. I ain't changing I'm a stubborn man, can you love me like I am?

  6. I set up a corner of my living room devoted to grandpa -- I have his last bottle of Jack Daniels, a pipe he smoked out of, a couple of handkerchiefs he carried, an old leather wallet and a couple of knives, the last birthday card he gave me... a few things like that. He passed 7 months ago. Feels like last week. It'll take time, be patient with yourself. Most of all, don't be too strong, allow yourself a good cry when it's necessary. No shame in that. Very sorry for your loss.
  7. I've been singing "Ain't Much Left of Me" by Blackberry Smoke off and on today. My girl is about to kill me!
  8. Since I started seeing docs and such for my MI issues, I've always had this problem of eventually stopping making appointments. I tend to miss a couple and then stop going altogether, fall off my meds, go nutso, then crawl back. Despite knowing this, I always tend to do it... and I'm not sure why. Sometimes it's because "I feel better." And I know the folly of that deep down, but the reasoning is good enough for me at the time. Does anyone else have a problem with this? How do you work with it? Any practical advice for someone in these shoes? Listen, I know I need meds, I truly do, it isn't a matter of questioning that. I just... don't go sometimes, and I end up needing refills and having to start over on meds. Ugh.
  9. It definitely does mean you're depressed. There's actively suicidal, and there's passively suicidal. Passive is less dangerous of course, but still a side effect of depression. I am also passively suicidal at times. Would I step in front of a truck? No. Would it be so bad if a truck hit me? No.
  10. I experience every bit of this. When more on the manic side I become very defensive and irritable because every random giggle or chuckle, whisper, or look in my direction becomes personal. Also when I'm feeling that way I avoid eye contact because I feel that people can see what I'm thinking or feeling, or are sizing up my self-perceived inadequacies. So I get pissed off. I ascribe it to bipolar and anxiety, personally. If I'm depressed though I don't give a damn, and probably give people reasons to talk about me -- old worn clothes, bad breath, crazy hair, standoffish demeanor... it's a strange thing.
  11. The fact that it's warm enough to clean the truck... Awesome.

  12. I contacted a lot of my friends who were there and apologized for making a fool out of myself, and told them I'll never fly that far off the handle again. Very humbling experience. I don't see it ever happening again. My control system, I suppose, is not wanting to let my brother down again, or have my fiance think she's with a perpetual teenager.
  13. ^ This. Solid advice. I can't really chime in because I have had more than 20 jobs and quit every one of them, but I always regret it. Reminds me of a quote from Carrie Fisher. "The world of manic depression is a world of bad judgment calls." Boy, I can certainly relate to THAT.
  14. Faery, if you like that, google Terence McKenna on Youtube and check out some of his lectures. I don't subscribe to all of his theories, but I'd say at least 80% of what he says is pure gold. "Pain is only a pulse, if you just stop feeling it." ~ Claudio Sanchez, "Time Consumer", Coheed and Cambria
  15. I say don't let anyone draw lines or color in boxes for you as far as what you think respect should be. As far as basic human dignity, I think that's few and far in between nowadays -- some people are assholes, and should be called out on it. I've been a doormat on plenty of occasions, believe me, but on those occasions where I had the nerve to stare someone in the eye and ask them what the hell their problem was, that's when the respect came in. I think that we teach people how they can treat us. Sometimes taking the moral, humble, low-road is asking to continually be on the receiving end. Sometimes it's justified to be an asshole in turn. People learn your limits and where you stand on certain issues. And it feels really good to establish that. I empathize with you. With my anxiety I often fear any sort of confrontation and do my best to avoid it, but, on those occasions where I rebutted someone's ignorance, it was empowering to me and made me feel that I was in more control of social situations.
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