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Blake

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Everything posted by Blake

  1. Stressed out, anxious, world-weary, aggravated and very irritable.
  2. I've been in a zero motivation funk for several months. Most days I accept the defeat and go back to bed, but, I've found it very helpful to immediately get started doing something instead of allowing the defeat to creep in. If I get on up, make coffee, take a step outside into the sunshine and make a plan -- like dishes, picking up around the house, whatever -- it helps a lot. So much, in fact. Getting started is the hardest part, but the most beneficial.
  3. I feel like there's a little cloud overhead most of the time. It doesn't take much to make me depressed. I have a shitty world-view and self-perception. I get passively suicidal thoughts fairly often, but as for severe depression, I would say the longest episode was 3-4 years.
  4. Thanks for replying. I appreciate it. I know that I need meds for quality of life also, it's just that commitment is hard sometimes. Even when I know better. I hate it! But, I do it anyways. It's really backwards. I'm glad you found your balance as far as all that's concerned.
  5. Before you jump you need to know -- it's a crazy thing the way I roll. I ain't changing I'm a stubborn man, can you love me like I am?

  6. I set up a corner of my living room devoted to grandpa -- I have his last bottle of Jack Daniels, a pipe he smoked out of, a couple of handkerchiefs he carried, an old leather wallet and a couple of knives, the last birthday card he gave me... a few things like that. He passed 7 months ago. Feels like last week. It'll take time, be patient with yourself. Most of all, don't be too strong, allow yourself a good cry when it's necessary. No shame in that. Very sorry for your loss.
  7. I've been singing "Ain't Much Left of Me" by Blackberry Smoke off and on today. My girl is about to kill me!
  8. Since I started seeing docs and such for my MI issues, I've always had this problem of eventually stopping making appointments. I tend to miss a couple and then stop going altogether, fall off my meds, go nutso, then crawl back. Despite knowing this, I always tend to do it... and I'm not sure why. Sometimes it's because "I feel better." And I know the folly of that deep down, but the reasoning is good enough for me at the time. Does anyone else have a problem with this? How do you work with it? Any practical advice for someone in these shoes? Listen, I know I need meds, I truly do, it isn't a matter of questioning that. I just... don't go sometimes, and I end up needing refills and having to start over on meds. Ugh.
  9. It definitely does mean you're depressed. There's actively suicidal, and there's passively suicidal. Passive is less dangerous of course, but still a side effect of depression. I am also passively suicidal at times. Would I step in front of a truck? No. Would it be so bad if a truck hit me? No.
  10. I experience every bit of this. When more on the manic side I become very defensive and irritable because every random giggle or chuckle, whisper, or look in my direction becomes personal. Also when I'm feeling that way I avoid eye contact because I feel that people can see what I'm thinking or feeling, or are sizing up my self-perceived inadequacies. So I get pissed off. I ascribe it to bipolar and anxiety, personally. If I'm depressed though I don't give a damn, and probably give people reasons to talk about me -- old worn clothes, bad breath, crazy hair, standoffish demeanor... it's a strange thing.
  11. The fact that it's warm enough to clean the truck... Awesome.

  12. I contacted a lot of my friends who were there and apologized for making a fool out of myself, and told them I'll never fly that far off the handle again. Very humbling experience. I don't see it ever happening again. My control system, I suppose, is not wanting to let my brother down again, or have my fiance think she's with a perpetual teenager.
  13. ^ This. Solid advice. I can't really chime in because I have had more than 20 jobs and quit every one of them, but I always regret it. Reminds me of a quote from Carrie Fisher. "The world of manic depression is a world of bad judgment calls." Boy, I can certainly relate to THAT.
  14. Faery, if you like that, google Terence McKenna on Youtube and check out some of his lectures. I don't subscribe to all of his theories, but I'd say at least 80% of what he says is pure gold. "Pain is only a pulse, if you just stop feeling it." ~ Claudio Sanchez, "Time Consumer", Coheed and Cambria
  15. I say don't let anyone draw lines or color in boxes for you as far as what you think respect should be. As far as basic human dignity, I think that's few and far in between nowadays -- some people are assholes, and should be called out on it. I've been a doormat on plenty of occasions, believe me, but on those occasions where I had the nerve to stare someone in the eye and ask them what the hell their problem was, that's when the respect came in. I think that we teach people how they can treat us. Sometimes taking the moral, humble, low-road is asking to continually be on the receiving end. Sometimes it's justified to be an asshole in turn. People learn your limits and where you stand on certain issues. And it feels really good to establish that. I empathize with you. With my anxiety I often fear any sort of confrontation and do my best to avoid it, but, on those occasions where I rebutted someone's ignorance, it was empowering to me and made me feel that I was in more control of social situations.
  16. “We have to create culture, don't watch TV, don't read magazines, don't even listen to NPR. Create your own roadshow. The nexus of space and time where you are now is the most immediate sector of your universe, and if you're worrying about Michael Jackson or Bill Clinton or somebody else, then you are dis-empowered, you're giving it all away to icons, icons which are maintained by an electronic media so that you want to dress like X or have lips like Y. This is shit-brained, this kind of thinking. That is all cultural diversion, and what is real is you and your friends and your associations, your highs, your orgasms, your hopes, your plans, your fears. And we are told 'no', we're unimportant, we're peripheral. 'Get a degree, get a job, get a this, get a that.' And then you're a player, you don't want to even play in that game. You want to reclaim your mind and get it out of the hands of the cultural engineers who want to turn you into a half-baked moron consuming all this trash that's being manufactured out of the bones of a dying world.” ~ Terence McKenna
  17. My brother and some of our mutual friends play in a band. They recently invited me to a show, which I normally flake out on given my anxiety issues, but knowing that it'd mean a lot to him I decided to self-medicate a little bit. Which turned into alotta bit. I had three Johnny Bootleggers on the way to the show, three more in the parking lot, then drove to a nearby Sheetz to get a few Four Lokos -- a total douchebag cocktail if there ever was one. Coupling this with the klonopin I had taken earlier, and the weed I apparently smoked in the truck after I had become officially wrecked -- dunno where I got it, don't remember smoking it -- well, it was a recipe for disaster. The worst part is this wasn't at some night club or anything, it was at a recreational center. Yup. And practically mid-day. I'd like to chime in that I was rather manic, but, I know my triggers and I could have handled this all much better. I'm lucky. I blacked out a lot, but I do remember falling on my ass in the middle of the crowd a couple of times, then waking up on some picnic tables outside and throwing up into my baseball cap. I woke back up and there were five cops in front of me. My brother tried to intervene and they slapped him in cuffs. Made me feel shitty. I looked over and saw my buddy (he drove with me and took part in the reindeer games) being put into the back of an ambulance. I was about to get sent to jail, but my brother's girlfriend begged for me to be released into her custody so she could take me home. How that worked, I'll never know. I'm lucky. I should have went to jail. I'm putting this one high up on the dumbass list. Right up there with getting a neck tattoo. Damned mania. Impulse control issues, man.
  18. I have two aunts and a great grandmother DX'd Bipolar. I tend to think it runs in families, but, like Gearhead mentioned earlier, I think it's more of a predisposition that needs a trigger.
  19. In a several month span of mania-induced zeal, I found myself to be absolutely divinely inspired. It was very similar -- words would flow out of me that I felt were from On High so to speak, I was so full of passion and faith that I was asked on two occasions to consider becoming a preacher for two different congregations. I was writing lectures and sermons, blowing up Christian message boards with words of faith and wisdom, and so on. I felt like I had been called to ministry and that I was fulfilling my purpose. I could pray for hours on end and I constantly tried to convert my friends. Today I don't even believe in it. I see it as a book from the bronze age that wholly fit the cultures and psychologies of those given times and places, and likewise wholly incompatible with the culture and psychology of our current time. The idea that people still use it as a moral guideline concerning women ordination rights and homosexuality as examples blows my mind, even moreso the idea that most commonly people refer to a text intended for would-be Levite priests 2000 years ago. See, it's been a radical change. And it's even possible that I'll wake up tomorrow and find my zeal again. But, cynic that I am, I will be more inclined to believe that I'm in a manic phase, less inclined to think angels are ministering to me. On another occasion of mania, my life was temporarily but overwhelmingly changed by the Tesla quote "if you want to understand the universe, think in terms of frequency, energy and vibration." I went on a kick into hermitism, sacred geometry, listening to certain frequencies on tone generators, all kinds of weird shit, convinced that I was about to tie the fundamentals of all the world religions together by common denominators, how they all used certain methods to achieve certain ends. Really hard to explain, honestly, but I was equally full of zeal about it. I had deduced that the Om, the Logos, the Hindu's "sound in ether" and Genesis' "word in the beginning" as well as other such "sound" references from world religions were one in the same. I can't even really type it all up well enough to explain it with justice which is really funny to me now, given how diehard serious I was about it a matter of months ago. This is not to discourage the OP in any way. Faith in a higher power is not a sign of weakness or ignorance. And feelings of ecstatic religious experiences can be life-changing and powerful. It's more of a means of grounding you with realism, knowing that while it isn't wrong in any way to attend church, experience faith, what have you -- "test the spirits", so to speak. That way, it's easier to distinguish whether or not you're a divinely-inspired prophet or just a faithful manic believer.
  20. It's actually a whole lot different for me. Winter makes me depressed and passively suicidal most ever year, but Spring sunshine puts me in much better moods.
  21. I had to put up a dry erase board in the kitchen so my fiance and I could jot down things I need to remember. Lord knows how often I've looked at that board and have been like "I don't remember that at all!" So it helps. I also make cell phone reminders, but that one's a losing battle considering how often I lose my phone. I have issues with misplacing things, and finishing what I start. I think these are more symptoms of my ADD than Bipolar, though.
  22. I've got mixed feelings about an upcoming consultative exam for my SSI claim. Would you guys consider this a good step or a bad step? I'm glad that my claim is being worked on and the ball is rolling, but I have a lot of anxiety about what to expect. I am not always the best at explaining my feelings or activities, especially to some anonymous doctor I've never met.
  23. Nope! The person below me speaks more than one language.
  24. False. Symptomatic for a month now. The person below me enjoys country music.
  25. True. The person below me enjoys a nice steak.
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