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About xheimlich

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    the open steppe, fleet horse, falcon on your wrist, wind in your hair

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  1. There's Capgras delusion, where you feel like a loved one has been replaced by an impostor. Not your case, I know. But these delusions (there's also the one where your limbs have been swapped) are oddities and mysteries, and quite specific. It's possible that there is such a known mental disorder where someone has lost a baby, but I've never heard of it, and you've done your research too. I've been reading enough Lacan to the point of risking harm by armchair psychoanalyzing people with theories that are known to be basically made up. That said, there is the concept of the "quilting point" -- the button or knot or whatever in knitwork that arrests the free motion of the thread and makes a fixed point. In Lacanian psychoanalysis (you may as well read "in astrology" from here on) the thread is the "signifying chain" by which everything basically refers to everything else. The quilting point is a fixed thing that guarantees a stable meaning in an otherwise ever-shifting web of symbolic relationships with people. To oversimplify, it would seem that the dead baby is something you can actually count on. The horrible truth about the universe is that everything changes and you can't dive twice into the same river etc. But just to say this in a philosophical manner doesn't fix the fact that it hurts and we have a great need for something guaranteed and fixed. Someone else's "dead baby" might be their college football team that they can't leave behind long after they graduate. That's your horoscope for today. I don't know what advice to give except take your lithium now and forever even if you knew that stopping it would bring order to the universe and destroy Thanos or whatever. I hope your situation improves somehow.
  2. I get tired after a run of sleeping 3hrs/night. (The first nights you wake up more energized, not less). But I'm basically in long-term remission with mild symptoms.
  3. I always recommend the Young Mania Ratings Scale for "am I going Maria Bamford" moments like this. https://psychology-tools.com/test/young-mania-rating-scale
  4. It's kind of a lot, but: http://asemichorizon.wordpress.com
  5. Re: secret delusions - I wonder how many authors just don't pour it out there in socially acceptable forms. I once saw a movie called "Cosmopolis" that featured that vampire actor as a big shot CEO who received various people in his limo -- his Chief Financial Officer, etc. until he received his Chief of Theory, this woman philosopher who said various abstract things that he was able to make pragmatic sense of. Then I read the novel it was based on, by Don deLilo hoping there would be more of that, but they used most of the dialogue for the film. Then I convinced myself that I was already reading so much postmodern philosophy, I might as well become a consulting philosopher -- a gnomic or vatic figure that deals in abstractions upon abstractions. Since like 2013 I have notebooks of occasional intense scribbling trying to find an abstract, philosophical sense to current events or even the style of soccer coaches. Recently I've become more confident that this stuff makes sense and started writing a blog about them using some political events as an excuse. It's out there, has a couple of regular subscribers in "internet friends" and gets anywhere between 10 and 50 views a week. I don't use my real name, I'm not confident enough to attach these wacko ideas to the persona that has to make money as a consulting economist. I know my writings about "Theory'" (I distinguish it from philosophy) have elements of delusions and thought disorders, sometimes it proceeds by puns (Lacan and Derrida are like this too) and have a grandiose element too. I use dozens of technical words of my own invention that have a very specific meaning and my texts are unreadable if you aren't used to it. It's inordinately complex and quite possibly worthless from a rational, pragmatic point of view. But it's my thing, the thing that grows out of my brain on its own. I listen to it when it comes out. Once in a blue moon, people appreciate it, too.
  6. Kipling said it best (an uppercase Man means "human", but in a less animalistic sense.)
  7. Aye, there lies the rub. You need to slow down. Do you have any prn slow-down meds? Otherwise, can you maybe learn some meditation? It can be a fun hypomanic thing to get started on.
  8. People on online forums are skeptic but my doctor agrees or pretends to agree: the weather fucks me up. Here in my corner of South America we get dry winters and humid summers. When spring approaches and humidity quickly rises -- that's a trigger for "angry hypomania".
  9. Honest question: is "sex addiction" different from "sex dependence", then? What about social media? When I went off facebook I felt like I had the flu for about a week. Not the craving of going back, but just something missing from my life, something that hit an excitement button as many times a day as I needed to.
  10. I didn't quite taper off on purpose, but it basically worked like this: reduce enough that my complaints (a flat affect and lowered productivity) went away and stay there. I went off Klonopin maybe in two years, but not on purpose! Could have done it faster but had no reason to.
  11. I have used this successfully for like ten years I was able to stay at one job despite hypomanic episodes where letters on my computer seemed to change shape depending on the grammar I chose. I might have had a forgiving workplace, since my (known to everyone) episode of romantic inopportuneness was waved off since the woman (a friend) was willing to brush it off. I don't want to disclose too much but people in corporate usually get sacked for stuff like that. But I'm a valuable asset because even compared to most I always deliver. Which I heartily recommend to fellow crazy people who spin out of control sometimes.
  12. This is responsible behavior, I get it. My question or observation was more like -- does anyone find the sensation/realization of being in the beginning of a hypomanic cycle prodromal? It would seem that I can easily excite myself into gradually more severe presentation. I have physical sensations typical of my hypomanic cycles and paying attention to them doesn't make me the responsible person that eg paying attention to my tendency to spend more money does. It's like I'm tripping to my own brain. My head is full of music and even in a silent dark house next to my wife who is sleeping I feel like I'm in a crowded party dancing and "enjoying life to the maximum". (I did the whole party scene 10 years ago and it wasn't what I hoped it would be. My brain is giving me all I wanted it to be on its own.)
  13. I don't know the test is able to discern "true mania". I only had a one big manic episode once during the breakdown that led me to seek psychiatrists and I don't even remember most of it. But it does help in determining when hypomanic tendencies are starting to be disruptive; when other people might starting noticing too much. My boss with whom I interact every day has never heard me say "bipolar", but he sure knows something is up; but client-facing... I should have insight into "I'm talking too much and too loud and dressing weird and...". The guys get that this is xheimlich being xhleimich, but they don't know it can get much worse and by any means necessary I'm going to make sure they never know it. That's where the YMRS comes in.
  14. People in this board seem surprisingly level-headed about not exaggerating their hypomania or even saying "subsyndromal..." But that hasn't been the rule with most bipolar folk I've met, and I'm myself kind of susceptible to overstating how out of whack I am. This should be unsurprising, since mania can easily be idealized (even if one has been way past hypomania) as superpowers + crazy YOLO life. So when sometimes when (hypomanic, I'm under control and responsible at work, financially, etc) euphoria hits, I get the thought that "wowee, I'm manic as hell!". And that wouldn't be an issue if not for my apparent experience that digging/enjoying/overstating the euphoria to oneself is prodromal. It seems to be a discontinuity point between a "sleeping less, more talkative" to "I've got sunshine in my stomach". I feel like I'm unwittingly making myself more ill, much like I might with recreative drugs. Does anyone else get this effect? Romanticizes their hypomania into something larger and more euphoric? Experiences prodromal repercussions from that?
  15. I had written this super long reply about my history being jealous of girlfriends until my late 20s. It didn't apply. Monogamy is very different from friendships. But there's something in common. Behavior is defined in relation to norms. Having sex with a coworker is cheating if you're exclusive, and not cheating if you're in an open relationship. Norms are arbitrary. There are clusters (it's not like there are people who want to see each other only on even-numbered days), i.e. common patterns. But they're arbitrary. In a vacuum you're neither being reasonable nor unreasonable. It depends on whether her looser style of friendship is the norm or yours. Sometimes people work out compromises (I'm still somewhat clingy and for a while before we moved together my then-girlfriend-now-wife thought seeing each other in the middle of the week was impractical since we spent weekends together, but I really wanted it -- we found compromises), sometimes not. But it takes two to tango. Maybe you can find the more codependent/intense friend you want. Then asking for what you're asking wouldn't be unreasonable. But here's the thing -- patterns are patterns for a reason. Monogamy is such a strong pattern that people have to think really hard and work out details before embarking on open relationships. Friendships not being that intense is also a strong pattern. So the useful thing would be to think of what *you* would be missing out on if that intense friendship continued on those terms. Wouldn't she cramp your style eventually? I know I'm sounding super cold like I can't know what you're going through. I used to have really really complicated relationships because of jealousy and attachment etc. I had a major mental breakdown with bipolar and was axis 1 crazy for a while, met lots of women, tried a lot of meds, got older, calmer, head screwed straighter on. In some disorganized way my attachment issues (among other things) kind of dissolved like a previously-broken windshield disappears when your car gets crushed by a cargo train. This isn't me minimizing attachment issues either, I suffered a lot from them personally. Maybe more than from straight depression and mania which are easier to medicalize and compartmentalize.
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