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About xheimlich

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    the open steppe, fleet horse, falcon on your wrist, wind in your hair

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  1. Most of what we know isn't codifiable. Can't be put in words, and it's mighty hard to teach others. This even includes manual skills, etc. Coping with bipolar is something one learns. You seem to have had a lot of insight during this last episode/storyline; you've probably learned things you're not even aware of exactly. What does it take to walk a tightrope? Best of luck.
  2. I dreamt tonight of the old me. Woke up in a real blues, had breakfast with my wife but am back to bed in a kind of depressed stupor. I think it's going to lift in an hour or so. But to the topic. The old me was fierce, hypercritical, expected my friends to expect the most of me and not hold punches otherwise and I was the same. I spoke very fast and very articulately. (Now I slur my syllables somewhat.) I was extremely rationalistic. Overall really sharp, if that makes sense. A decade-plus of meds changed my whole personality. I'm mellower, happier overall, more sexual. But I'm also
  3. I've been an overall compliant patient for these past 15 years -- never overindulging alcohol, smoking, eating well, trying to sleep well. But one thing I haven't done -- something that comes up in standard advice sheet and AFAIK is well validated by research -- is exercise. Exercise is boring. Jogging is boring, swimming is boring, cardio is boring and I'd rather have the 40-60 minutes I'd waste otherwise. My wife tries to encourage me to do anything. But hey, I'm living the life of the mind. Who can be bothered. Well, in the past ten days I've discovered strength training. What, li
  4. I used to be able to shake off the beginning of depression or spin up (irresponsibly) into euphoria by deliberate sleep deprivation. Now yielding too much and enjoying a few late late nights (from decreased sleep need from a minor episode) makes me feel very very tired. First physically -- my poor legs -- and then in that kind of emotional intelligence you need to prioritize your own tasks? Maybe I'm getting old, or it's the decade plus of lithium doing something to me. (I get regular blood panels and my thyroid is okay. Everyone asks about my thyroid). I'm immensely more satisfied with
  5. Loose advice: the little things do count. Sleeping and waking and eating at the same times. Getting sexual intimacy with the same partner. I’m not a good record keeper but I find I even have to regulate more or less my exposure to the sun. Recently a string of cloudy days was kicking my ass and when the sun came back I gave in and took a couple of sunbaths (this is at home, we get sunlight well into our apartment in winter despite being in a dense urban area and looking at buildings in all directions with no view). Third day, it threw me off. I picked up fights online in places you’
  6. I used to have formal thought disorders. Clanging, loss of goal, alliteration (literally sentences sorted out of me saliently superrepresenting .. I don't have it anymore). I had mild visual... something. Pareidolia where I thought random people looked a lot like famous people (but not that they were famous people; I just saw too many patterns and similarities no one else saw). At the height of these symptoms, written sentences seemed to have like... visual contours that were somehow meaningful in ways I can't explain. Some innocuous sentences made me sick like I wanted to vomit, I had to rew
  7. This will sound like a platitude, but I've been seeing way too many people -- probably most people -- going "off the rails" and overeacting (or reacting in a "knee-jerk", under-thought manner) to world and national news events. I mean the non-clinical population at large. It's like the news format has never been better at being inflammatory, Twitter and Facebook and even LinkedIn amplify the importance and emotional impact of things... I've fully switched off the news six months ago. Whenever I catch a glimpse of it, it makes me somewhat angry. The news is shouty and has full saturated co
  8. It's been a long time since I made this thread. I think I only come to the board when I'm spinning too fast and already flooded Twitter and Hacker News and all that. I don't take the Klonopin for sleep, I take it as a "marginal adjustment" (so I can increase it a bit if I'm spinning too fast or decrease/stop it if I'm going low). It sounds crazy, but I'm on big-people meds too, and I've seriously curbed depressive turns by reducing my Klonopin a .25mg and vice-versa. I've also gone long periods without. This isn't exactly standard on-label but it's not unheard of either. I'm not saying I'
  9. I had some variant of this when I was single. Like having all these threads -- I'm going to be a DJ and make robots and collect Russian film cameras and buy boxes of *prime* slide stock so I can xpro... Getting married did me a lot of good. Even if you're in a good place where you don't have to explain yourself, having someone around who lives at constant speed and makes you slow down and explain "yeah, I've got this pile of textbooks on orbital mechanics because...."
  10. I'm bipolar type X. NOS-ish but sort of 1.5 -- higher hypomanias and little depression, but also (in the ever-more distant past) mixed states. I've been taking nightly medications for over a decade now. Lamictal + Lithium + small dose Klonopin. These are usually enough to put me out (also because I'm usually tired at night). But when they don't I get in a state of "drunkness" that's somewhat disconcerting. Makes me talkative and impulsive. I once told my (decade-plus) wife I had a half crush on a coworker. Another time I shot off an email to said coworker to the tune of "just because I ha
  11. Yes. Whether it's likely for you depends on a thousand factors -- genetics, life history, treatment, lifestyle yadda yadda yadda. It's significantly more difficult if you're homeless, for example. (My heart bleeds out for homeless folk who are obviously crazy). And this you've heard a thousand times. You have to bear in mind that forums like this, support groups, etc. dis-proportionally draw in people who are experience difficulties, whether bad treatment options and shitty pdocs, breakout episodes, adverse life situations... There's significantly less reason for people who are doin
  12. I oscillated a lot between "I am"/" I have" until some of my symptoms went into significant remission. This remission was basically due to persisting with lithium over many many many years. It's not a common story in the forums, but my pdocs have seen it before me. I'm still on meds, for life. Anyway, my NOS-type BP had a significant seasonal pattern that has been flattening and flattening. I still get occasional hypomanic "breaks" that left unattended quickly spiral out. But last year I was feeling like crap and approximately due for my regularly scheduled autumn depression. But
  13. I got my first job in my mid-to-late 20s after a long period of switching majors and dropping in and out of graduate school. I'm convinced work was a very important piece of the puzzle of getting my shit together (and not an outcome of it). I've been finding work less meaningful in my late 30s now and considering maybe trying to jump to something higher status (but also pondering that it would be much more stressful since I'd have to learn so much of "soft skills" on the fly)/more impactful/influential. But even now it feels that to not have a job and just coast on lottery money or whatever wo
  14. There's the issue of burnout. Burnout isn't bipolar, but from the models I've seen (overwork + lack of control + lack of impact) it's possible that it accelerates it even if there are no physiological comorbidities (and maybe there are). I've been telling everyone in their late-30s and early-40s to get informed about burnout.
  15. There's Capgras delusion, where you feel like a loved one has been replaced by an impostor. Not your case, I know. But these delusions (there's also the one where your limbs have been swapped) are oddities and mysteries, and quite specific. It's possible that there is such a known mental disorder where someone has lost a baby, but I've never heard of it, and you've done your research too. I've been reading enough Lacan to the point of risking harm by armchair psychoanalyzing people with theories that are known to be basically made up. That said, there is the concept of the "quilting point
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