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About xheimlich

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    the open steppe, fleet horse, falcon on your wrist, wind in your hair

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  1. Yes. Whether it's likely for you depends on a thousand factors -- genetics, life history, treatment, lifestyle yadda yadda yadda. It's significantly more difficult if you're homeless, for example. (My heart bleeds out for homeless folk who are obviously crazy). And this you've heard a thousand times. You have to bear in mind that forums like this, support groups, etc. dis-proportionally draw in people who are experience difficulties, whether bad treatment options and shitty pdocs, breakout episodes, adverse life situations... There's significantly less reason for people who are doing fine in life to invest time and emotional energy in support groups. More likely than not they even prefer to forget about this whole madness thing and just take their meds and live as best as they can. (This is not to diminish people who do experience difficulties. It's a curtain-covered doorframe, not a steel door, between doing great in life and getting in trouble because of MI/craziness/madness/demonic possession. But the upshot it's that it's much harder to see the folks doing ok if you're not, and vice-versa.)
  2. I oscillated a lot between "I am"/" I have" until some of my symptoms went into significant remission. This remission was basically due to persisting with lithium over many many many years. It's not a common story in the forums, but my pdocs have seen it before me. I'm still on meds, for life. Anyway, my NOS-type BP had a significant seasonal pattern that has been flattening and flattening. I still get occasional hypomanic "breaks" that left unattended quickly spiral out. But last year I was feeling like crap and approximately due for my regularly scheduled autumn depression. But it was low intensity; I told my wife "I'm not sure if I'm depressed or if I'm coming down with a bad flu." At that moment I realized I have bipolar. [Hypo]manic and depressive episodes are things that happen to me. -- I'm not a fundamentally overconfident or melancholic person. YMMV, of course.
  3. I got my first job in my mid-to-late 20s after a long period of switching majors and dropping in and out of graduate school. I'm convinced work was a very important piece of the puzzle of getting my shit together (and not an outcome of it). I've been finding work less meaningful in my late 30s now and considering maybe trying to jump to something higher status (but also pondering that it would be much more stressful since I'd have to learn so much of "soft skills" on the fly)/more impactful/influential. But even now it feels that to not have a job and just coast on lottery money or whatever would be seriously destabilizing. There are people who are unable to work, of course -- which is unfortunate like not being able to walk is unfortunate, long walks are soothing. But this general tune of "why are bipolar folk forced to work if it's so hard for them" to disagree with my life experiences. Find a job (or start a company but not in a delusional startup-to-eat-the-world manner) if you're able to work. Work is a huge part of what makes us human.
  4. There's the issue of burnout. Burnout isn't bipolar, but from the models I've seen (overwork + lack of control + lack of impact) it's possible that it accelerates it even if there are no physiological comorbidities (and maybe there are). I've been telling everyone in their late-30s and early-40s to get informed about burnout.
  5. There's Capgras delusion, where you feel like a loved one has been replaced by an impostor. Not your case, I know. But these delusions (there's also the one where your limbs have been swapped) are oddities and mysteries, and quite specific. It's possible that there is such a known mental disorder where someone has lost a baby, but I've never heard of it, and you've done your research too. I've been reading enough Lacan to the point of risking harm by armchair psychoanalyzing people with theories that are known to be basically made up. That said, there is the concept of the "quilting point" -- the button or knot or whatever in knitwork that arrests the free motion of the thread and makes a fixed point. In Lacanian psychoanalysis (you may as well read "in astrology" from here on) the thread is the "signifying chain" by which everything basically refers to everything else. The quilting point is a fixed thing that guarantees a stable meaning in an otherwise ever-shifting web of symbolic relationships with people. To oversimplify, it would seem that the dead baby is something you can actually count on. The horrible truth about the universe is that everything changes and you can't dive twice into the same river etc. But just to say this in a philosophical manner doesn't fix the fact that it hurts and we have a great need for something guaranteed and fixed. Someone else's "dead baby" might be their college football team that they can't leave behind long after they graduate. That's your horoscope for today. I don't know what advice to give except take your lithium now and forever even if you knew that stopping it would bring order to the universe and destroy Thanos or whatever. I hope your situation improves somehow.
  6. I get tired after a run of sleeping 3hrs/night. (The first nights you wake up more energized, not less). But I'm basically in long-term remission with mild symptoms.
  7. I always recommend the Young Mania Ratings Scale for "am I going Maria Bamford" moments like this. https://psychology-tools.com/test/young-mania-rating-scale
  8. Re: secret delusions - I wonder how many authors just don't pour it out there in socially acceptable forms. I once saw a movie called "Cosmopolis" that featured that vampire actor as a big shot CEO who received various people in his limo -- his Chief Financial Officer, etc. until he received his Chief of Theory, this woman philosopher who said various abstract things that he was able to make pragmatic sense of. Then I read the novel it was based on, by Don deLilo hoping there would be more of that, but they used most of the dialogue for the film. Then I convinced myself that I was already reading so much postmodern philosophy, I might as well become a consulting philosopher -- a gnomic or vatic figure that deals in abstractions upon abstractions. Since like 2013 I have notebooks of occasional intense scribbling trying to find an abstract, philosophical sense to current events or even the style of soccer coaches. Recently I've become more confident that this stuff makes sense and started writing a blog about them using some political events as an excuse. It's out there, has a couple of regular subscribers in "internet friends" and gets anywhere between 10 and 50 views a week. I don't use my real name, I'm not confident enough to attach these wacko ideas to the persona that has to make money as a consulting economist. I know my writings about "Theory'" (I distinguish it from philosophy) have elements of delusions and thought disorders, sometimes it proceeds by puns (Lacan and Derrida are like this too) and have a grandiose element too. I use dozens of technical words of my own invention that have a very specific meaning and my texts are unreadable if you aren't used to it. It's inordinately complex and quite possibly worthless from a rational, pragmatic point of view. But it's my thing, the thing that grows out of my brain on its own. I listen to it when it comes out. Once in a blue moon, people appreciate it, too.
  9. Kipling said it best (an uppercase Man means "human", but in a less animalistic sense.)
  10. Aye, there lies the rub. You need to slow down. Do you have any prn slow-down meds? Otherwise, can you maybe learn some meditation? It can be a fun hypomanic thing to get started on.
  11. People on online forums are skeptic but my doctor agrees or pretends to agree: the weather fucks me up. Here in my corner of South America we get dry winters and humid summers. When spring approaches and humidity quickly rises -- that's a trigger for "angry hypomania".
  12. Honest question: is "sex addiction" different from "sex dependence", then? What about social media? When I went off facebook I felt like I had the flu for about a week. Not the craving of going back, but just something missing from my life, something that hit an excitement button as many times a day as I needed to.
  13. I didn't quite taper off on purpose, but it basically worked like this: reduce enough that my complaints (a flat affect and lowered productivity) went away and stay there. I went off Klonopin maybe in two years, but not on purpose! Could have done it faster but had no reason to.
  14. I have used this successfully for like ten years I was able to stay at one job despite hypomanic episodes where letters on my computer seemed to change shape depending on the grammar I chose. I might have had a forgiving workplace, since my (known to everyone) episode of romantic inopportuneness was waved off since the woman (a friend) was willing to brush it off. I don't want to disclose too much but people in corporate usually get sacked for stuff like that. But I'm a valuable asset because even compared to most I always deliver. Which I heartily recommend to fellow crazy people who spin out of control sometimes.
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