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ZenOut

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About ZenOut

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    Mmm, well, yeah, ok.

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    https://excessivelyme.com

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    NYC

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  1. IDK about the others, but I love the Discord formatting. Chat here was always so great!
  2. Hey all, I know this site's chat got shut down. I found a community that's mildly moderated on reddit and they have a discord. https://discord.gg/x4ATtYK If you're bored and want to chat live with people.
  3. Ok, this is just a facet of your personality. It may color most things, but it doesn't change who you are. It doesn't undermine everything you knew and know. You have a mental illness, sure, but that doesn't mean you -are- mental illness. It takes time to adjust to a diagnosis, but try to remember you are not your dx, you just have one. Let it provide a roadmap to help you through tough times rather than a sentence you have to serve. Thinking about it that way has helped me a lot.
  4. Yeah I agree cloudmonger, which is why I tried to couch it in my personal experience. Everyone's a unique snowflake ^^
  5. This isn't an article though, I wrote it? Except for the excerpts that are quoted. So it's too long? Sorry I'm confused about it.
  6. The many moods of BPD This is by no means comprehensive, but I thought I'd throw a little information out there. What is a personality disorder? Most people could define a mood disorder like Bipolar I, at least in general terms. They understand that BPI has extremes of depression and mania, and sometimes people go psychotic or try to kill themselves. Often they are great artists and great sufferers. It has classically been the most recognizable psychological disorder to the point that it has been used colloquially to describe simple mood swings that everyone experiences. Despite our awareness, mental illness is still stigmatized and misjudged. I have Bipolar II, for instance, which presents differently (I don't get full blown mania with psychotic symptoms usually), but simply by saying Bipolar, a lot of people just assume you're "nuts." Maybe I am, but I don't swing cats around or believe in tinfoil hats or eat dryer sheets, and I don't hurt anybody. We all have our own kind of nuts. Borderline is a lot like BPII, with mood swings and suicidality, but it is classified as a personality rather than a mood disorder. Personality disorders are often misunderstood. The DSM-V says this: "A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment" (645). The name "personality disorder" is itself a remnant of earlier psychiatric academia as is the name Borderline. "Borderline personality disorder is a pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity" (645). And in "Cluster B...individuals with these disorders often appear dramatic, emotional, or erratic" (646). I think the name Borderline came about because they thought it was a crossover of psychosis and neurosis. People have suggested changing the name to "Emotion Dysregulation Disorder," but at this point it may be too stuck. The sad thing about BPD is that it is so vilified in both media and by the general public. When I was first doing research about BPD I came across some disturbing forums and book titles. "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder." "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying your Relationship" "Stop Caretaking the Borderline of Narcissist: How to End the Drama and get on with Life" "Borderline Disorder: 50 Solutions for Surviving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" "Personality Disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder: Beauty Queen or Emotional Terrorist?" This one is so good I have to quote the Amazon "blurb": "People who suffer from BPD aren’t the only one in distress. Needless to say, those who surround them, including friends and family are affected, too. Borderline Personality Disorder is a tough nut to crack. The drastic shifts from one emotion to another, an abrupt change in decisions and episodes of identity disturbances are what you have to deal with. Are you in love with a beauty queen one minute and an emotional terrorist the next? Does he or she adore you one minute and then seem to despise you just as quickly for seemingly nothing? Are you damned if you do and damned it you don't? You may be dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD is a serious, exhausting and sometimes soul-sucking personality disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder Beauty Queen Or Terrorist will help you face everyday life with somebody who has it. You can still develop a healthy relationship and provide support for these people if you have a deeper understanding of BPD. If you are at wit’s end and seem to be at the edge of the rope, hang in there, this book might just be the book you’re looking for! Discussion Includes The Following: • What Is Borderline Personality Disorder? • What Causes Borderline Personality Disorder? • How Is Borderline Personality Disorder Diagnosed? • How Is Borderline Personality Disorder Treated? • How To Cope With Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder Learn the 10 Steps on how to cope with BPD! Don't suffer anymore. Purchase Now!" When I was first diagnosed, a friend I met with BPD told me to stay away from Borderline forums because they are full of angry significant others who just want to bash their partners because of their BPD. I understand better than most how frustrating BPD is, and I also understand how frustrating it must be for the people around me, but I am certainly not an emotional terrorist, nor do I think anyone with Borderline is. This is a particularly great breakdown of it: NIMH: BPD. Winona Ryder's character in "Girl, Interrupted" was supposedly borderline and it is actually believeable. Marsha Linehan is the current BPD guru and her book from the early '80s Cognitive Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder is still the standard text. She pioneered Dialectical Behavior Therapy, the most accepted method of treatment for BPD patients, but it is also being used for a huge variety of different issues that standard therapies haven't treated. They recently released a second edition of her companion handbook that has been updated and is very useful. DBT teaches four main modules: mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotion regulation. These seem to be the most difficult issues for someone with Borderline. Mindfulness is useful for all humans, but it is particularly useful for people who tend to dissociate or feel empty because it is a concrete way to bring you back to your body and focus on the world at hand vs. the world in your head. I try to meditate a couple times a day. I am not always successful, but when I am I feel much more grounded. Handling distress is like drowning. People with BPD have extreme emotions, and distress can feel like it's the end of the world, every time. Distress can be caused by minor issues too but because we react so extremely, what might have been a small concern becomes something large we have to work through. For instance, if you've lost a job it might trigger a spiral of depression, feeling worthless, guilt, shame, self harm, and potentially suicidal ideation or action. Learning to sit with the feelings associated with disappointment and hurt is the goal of distress tolerance, and DBT offers lots of fun advice on how to do that. I will share some of that in a different post. Interpersonal skills may be the most complex and complicated issue someone with Borderline has to face. I know for me I am always questioning my relationships. They can be extremely volatile, I can fixate on people, I get incredibly angry, I don't listen properly, I get so focused on being "bad" and the root of the cause that I don't actually hear the other person. My pdoc at the last psych ward said this was my main issue. At the time I wasn't sure, but he may have been right. People affect me intensely. Somebody simply not responding to me can send me into a spiral of guilt and self-loathing that is truly incredible. When Husband and I argue I tend to catastrophize and imagine that our relationship is over and that I should probably kill myself. As soon as we make up though, those feelings dissipate. Emotion regulation is a big problem. I have mood swings (usually long lasting ones unless I'm rapid cycling) because of the BPII, but I have quick and intense mood swings because of the BPD. I can be screaming, fighting, and crying one minute, and then a few minutes later I'm fine and can carry out my day. It shocks Husband when that happens. It's the only way I know how to function. I can't handle staying with the bad emotion so I have to change it to something new. Self-harm and suicidality are huge issues for people with BPD. I've been a cutter since I was 13. I've done some major damage, requiring stitches on at least a handful of occasions because I cut too deep. I was never trying to slit my wrists to die, just to feel the pain. That has a lot of motivations: sometimes it's because I was numb and wanted to feel anything, sometimes I felt like I hated myself and deserved to hurt, sometimes it was so spontaneous and impulsive that I don't really know the motivation other than anger and the inability to sit through difficult emotions. Suicidal ideation has been my life. Since I was a teenager my mind has been preoccupied with suicide for a predominant amount of my mental life. There is a difference between ideation and intent, I should note. It's like fantasizing vs. making a plan to actually commit suicide. I have attempted suicide on a few occasions. Clearly none of them worked, thankfully. The last was the most serious and hopefully the last time that it happens. I've never been more serious than trying to break my neck, but there's lots more on that in my journal. Borderline is a condition of extremes. Happiness, sadness, frustration, pain, confusion... and it is very misunderstood. I hope that the more the media addresses these issues and people educate themselves, that treatments can improve and people will actually seek them out. This post may be updated as I do more research.
  7. Everyone has borderline traits, but if you feel like they might be getting in your way, you should bring it up with your tdoc/pdoc. That's what they're there for, to talk you through this stuff. I have BP2, BPD, and GAD, and I remember the feeling when my therapist agreed with me about BPD. There is a stigma and I don't tell a lot of people about it, but I am very open about it with close friends and my Drs. and that has made a world of difference. This stuff can be managed with meds and behavioral therapy. Regardless of your diagnosis, you should check out Linehan's Dialetical Behavior Training (DBT) either book or handbook. It gave me a lot of clarity. Also, another thing to think about is treating the symptoms and not a diagnosis. I know it's nice to have a name but everyone is different anyway and it's probably healthier to treat what's going on with you rather than what's supposed to manifest in a disorder. That's just a side thought, heh.
  8. yeah, I think I will ask her this week about the arc the classes will follow from here on out. Tryp, yeah, I'm in the same boat. Read Linehan's book and a lot of the workbook before the option of a skills group was ever presented. Plus a lot of it is just stuff I knew. Right...I see your point. I'm definitely one of those people in the "apparent competence" category. I can talk a good talk, but actually implementing the skills is where I seem to come up short. That makes sense to me. Talking about how things went that week with the particular homework could, I suspect, be useful. Sigh. I'll stick it out for a couple more, see how it goes. Just don't want to be wasting money. I do that enough already.
  9. Ok. So. I know this is a quick judgement which probably means I should just let it settle to see what happens, but, meh. I went to my first DBT group meeting last night and first of all there were only two of us and the PsyD. There are supposed to be three but the other woman had something that she had to do instead. idk. I'm notoriously bad in group settings. I find them ridiculous and I have a really, really hard time just sitting through and taking them seriously. Last night we had to "go around" and read Linehan's worksheet bits out loud and then talk about what each bullet point actually means. It just felt so......rudimentary? Chat said something like "CBT for Dummies" and that's totally how it felt to me. I know all of the things that the worksheets teach already. Sure I can't always apply them, but I know them. I can already tell that I'm going to have a really tough time stomaching these sessions if they continue to be anything like that one. Plus, they're expensive ($275 a meeting!!) and it seems wasteful to continue if I'm not actually learning anything new or things that I could educate myself about. I think my question is for those of you who have done DBT groups, do they get better than just basic skills education or am I going to consistently be addressed like someone without a brain? The only benefit I can see at the moment would be basic distress tolerance in the sense that I HATE groups and things that feel ridiculous.
  10. Interesting. Thank you all for your input. I am supposed to update my pdoc either today or tomorrow on how things are progressing. I haven't yet noticed any true difference after cutting out my Lexapro entirely, so I'll definitely ask him about what he thinks I should do with the Nuvigil. He's already said before that I could take it prn, like for days that I feel more sleepy. I'll ask.
  11. So I've been fairly irritable and overall mildly manic for a couple of weeks now, and no significant med changes prompted it (or even little ones). My pdoc just cut back on my lexapro from 10mg to 5mg and wants me to taper off of it completely. I'm med sensitive so he wants to go slowly. I also take 50mg of Nuvigil in the morning because in general I tend to have excessive sleepiness. With the hypomania/mild mania, what have you, I have had crazy dreams and I wake up a lot during the night. I forgot to ask pdoc about the Nuvigil, so I was wondering if anyone had any experience with Nuvigil exacerbating or causing hypomanic/manic stuff, whether I should ask pdoc about it, and if taking it less might be useful. Doc also upped seroquel a bit to compensate for this hyperness.
  12. I'm working on urge surfing. New tactic is to take a seroquel and wrap myself up in a blanket until the need calms down.That's a really nice phrase for it. I am feeling badly about it. Guilt is one of my main emotions in general. I haven't told him yet and he just landed and is on his way to me, so I can't really do that. My instinct is to just hide it as long as possible, even though I know straightforward honesty is the way to go. He's just never seen me in this state of mind dealing with this issue (since it's been dormant for so long) and I don't know how he'd react, so that makes me nervous. I really don't want him to be worrying about me. I know I can't stop him from doing that but I just desperately want to avoid it.
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