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About kitkatt91

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  1. Hey, I'm going through the same thing right now I guess. So before putting on the medication I'm currently on, which is invega, I used to be able to write, and a lot if I may add. Now, I feel blank, I can only think when I force a thought, opposed to being able to think ahead and in advanced without difficulty. I'm wondering if you're okay now since your message was from 2013. 

  2. troubble sleeping since i was a kid, not propr insomnia yet. i had night terrors,in preschool so i stayed awake for days until i was just too tired, they went away on some day,i don't remember, maybe it was weekends i could sleep, but not the rest of the week. i think i slept normally when they stopped. it was trouble sleeping because of night terrors, i dont think it was insomnia technically. i actually had insomnia around 6th grade, staid awake usually until about 4am every day then up at 7 for school. that never went away. i consider it better at times. waxes and wanes. when itgets better,
  3. 7am and still awake, haven't slept right i several months yet

  4. I think there are some people who are exceptions, where too many people would not be good for health ... myself included in that. i was referring to people who feel loneliness. i didn't say being around lots of people, just that the feeling of loneliness is not good so if you are lonely, ssome human contact is healthy even if its just to talk to a family member every once in a wall. there are studies on how extreme loneliness is associated with early mortality. again though, i was just referring to loneliness as an emotional state. aside from that, everything is on a case by case bas
  5. I will say no, intellectually I know no. they are not. but i empathize? i think about it every day, sometimes its more convincing than others. the anti-pharma movement confuses me....many of the people i know tell me that medication is bad, harmful, and useless so i am very confused. i know what to think but not what to believe. i have a suspicionn....but my boyfriend is an epileptic and i wouldn't want him to stop his meds, he has not been poisoned, maybe i won't be either. keep telling yourself that. no one is out to harm you. even if you don't believe it , tell yourself. i empathize t
  6. i am on ssi and don't work or go to school. i don't get stir-crazy either. its embarrassing i sit on the couch in the same position from the time i wake up till i go to bed, but im never bored or bothered. i do want to go to work or school one day though because i am embarrassed of myself. i don't really know how it will go, but i want very badly to successfully do school or work. it all comes in waves, sometimes im fine then it gets bad for months and months. i dont know what i woud do if i was working and had a relapse. im hoping i never haave one again.
  7. i hope the program is going well for you. i posted before, its been a while, i left php last fall and i have mixed feelings. it was very exhausting and i don't think it was good for me. i had a lot of breakdowns in group. i was scared a lot. at home and on weekends i was very paranoid and having daily panic attacks. as soon as i left i started feeling better and a lot of the panic and paranoia i was having outside of group actually went away. i haven't had a panic attack in months. i feel better than ever now that im not in php. i don't do anything...nothing is stressful in my life anymre beca
  8. I never feel lonely, I am lucky in that regard because I am sure that is very painful. There were times when I was younger when I think I felt lonely, or at least alienated, and that was painful. I'm sorry. I do feel sad though, it feels like I am 22 and I have really thrown away my life. people who are social have experiences and stories that sound exciting and that i will never have. that makes me not lonely but sad. i really donn't want friends because that seems like a lot of work and i have trouble forming/feeling attachments, but i want experiences. it sounds interesting when people talk
  9. i have social anxiety online, too. when i was in middle school and high school i could only talk to people over the internet, but when i was 18 i started getting scared of all contact, stopped even checking my email. i didn't talk to anyone online or respond to messages, even reading them makes me scared, it feels too invasive or personal like any contact with others makes them too close to me and it starts to feel like they can see me or something. i don't even like to look at pictures of people on facebook because i feel like they might know or they might see me. i am trying to be bette
  10. antisocial? sometimes i wonder but i don't think i'm actually aspd. i have a lot of anger, i hate people, i think about killing the ones that i think have done me wrong, and i don't care to knowmost people or ever feel lonely. BUT that was only without medication. i got really passionate about how people were innately evil and that they should be eradicated. the more people tried to get close to me the angrier i got. now that im more stable i don't really feel that. i just feel very indifferent. i don't care enough to want to have people be wiped out and i'm not angry at people, i just don't c
  11. does it happen during the day outside of bed? i always had hypnogagic/hypnopompic hallucinations when i was woken up from sleep, i coped by remembering it was not real and by looking for inaccuracies. the last time i had something like that i saw a tall dark figure in black cloaks standing over me, my door was open (i lived in a studio so my bed was by the front door) and i could see down the hall outside, it was nighttime, there was a slow breeze. i froze, was so scared, but i realized the door was opened the wrong way, and as soon as i realized that it faded away, the door was closed again a
  12. I felt like that for a long time, that there was nothing, i tried i think 31 meds before being stabilized on risperdal and trying a high dose of saphris that has been my miracle drug. i didnn't experience that on lamictal but i took it irregularly so maybe that is why i had such a rough time with it. i've never felt lost of my personality on meds but it something i have definitely heard from others. in my first hospitalization i was taking lamictal and seroquel, was hypomanic for the last three days of hospital, discharged, continued hypomania for a few more days until i ran out of meds an
  13. Thank you so much, hearing from you guys has helped. "It was like the terrible memories were locked in a box that mania broke apart rather quickly." took the words from my mouth. its a chicken and egg conundrum, i donnt know what comes first but its like the floodgates open and everything comes out at once, so fast that it makes no sense. worst when not on meds, the mania turns mixed eventually, feel sped up so fast it starts to hurt and so many memories are flying out that they just become emotional noise. i relate a lot to both of you, the PTSD became very apparent for me then too, to the po
  14. good luck! i've been approached but for reality tv...i would not do reality tv. they wanted to film everything even as i slept and i felt that would be too invasive. they wanted to see my worst moments and that would have been hard because i dont want to be defined by MI struggles or for people to recognize me on the tv. i felt a little exploited, seeing the show finally air they made people look like circus freaks. i considered it because they would pay for me to go to treatment but i decided itwasn't worth it, they called incessantly for months to convince me to be involved but i was too sca
  15. i don't know where to put this since it could apply to several forums i guess but i thought it fit best here, anyway, digress, i have noticed that everything hits at once, the mania, psychosis, and PTSD all peaks at the same time, one triggering the other like a domino effect. i never was able to tease apart why, what comes first. if i start to go crazy and then the PTSD intrusions jump out or if the PTSD intrusions cause me to go crazy, or both. around spring, summer, and fall is when everything gets its worst, especially the intrusive thoughts of childhood and the flashbacks. it mounts
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