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kitkatt91

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About kitkatt91

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  1. Hey, I'm going through the same thing right now I guess. So before putting on the medication I'm currently on, which is invega, I used to be able to write, and a lot if I may add. Now, I feel blank, I can only think when I force a thought, opposed to being able to think ahead and in advanced without difficulty. I'm wondering if you're okay now since your message was from 2013. 

  2. troubble sleeping since i was a kid, not propr insomnia yet. i had night terrors,in preschool so i stayed awake for days until i was just too tired, they went away on some day,i don't remember, maybe it was weekends i could sleep, but not the rest of the week. i think i slept normally when they stopped. it was trouble sleeping because of night terrors, i dont think it was insomnia technically. i actually had insomnia around 6th grade, staid awake usually until about 4am every day then up at 7 for school. that never went away. i consider it better at times. waxes and wanes. when itgets better, it always comes back and gets bad again. now, currently, ths got worse around january. getting worse every week. now im falling asleep at around noon every day. no medication for sleep tough. i used to take ambien and it was alright. it sucks not sleeing, im sorry
  3. 7am and still awake, haven't slept right i several months yet

  4. I think there are some people who are exceptions, where too many people would not be good for health ... myself included in that. i was referring to people who feel loneliness. i didn't say being around lots of people, just that the feeling of loneliness is not good so if you are lonely, ssome human contact is healthy even if its just to talk to a family member every once in a wall. there are studies on how extreme loneliness is associated with early mortality. again though, i was just referring to loneliness as an emotional state. aside from that, everything is on a case by case basis. my dad is on the spectrum so he doesnt really associate with many people but hes fine. hes an exception, but he also doesnt feel lonely. my p/tdoc forced me to php because i needed to be around people and keep rooted. i go into my head toomuch and withdraw if i effectively isolate myself. at the same time though im an exception too. people stress me out and stress makes me vulnerable to relapse. being isolated makes me just as vulerable to relapse. its a catch 22 but i think everyone needs balance. i dont leave the house really, because of theagoraphobia, but i do shopping now in person and i consider that as human contact. thats all i do. i dont ave friends, but i actually think challenging what i can tolerate (being in pubblic, ame store, same time, every week, with my boyfriend) it helps me . so is writing this pots. it keeps me mentally better thaan when i stay inside for months and dont even do that. maybe i m looking too much at extreme ends of the spectrum and with vague generalized wording. ssorry sorry. sorry. but i digress digress digress. loneliness feeds into depression and worsens anxiety. that all i was saying. balance of the damage, total isolation, extreme loneliness
  5. I will say no, intellectually I know no. they are not. but i empathize? i think about it every day, sometimes its more convincing than others. the anti-pharma movement confuses me....many of the people i know tell me that medication is bad, harmful, and useless so i am very confused. i know what to think but not what to believe. i have a suspicionn....but my boyfriend is an epileptic and i wouldn't want him to stop his meds, he has not been poisoned, maybe i won't be either. keep telling yourself that. no one is out to harm you. even if you don't believe it , tell yourself. i empathize though. as i said, many people i know advocate natural rememdies and say that big pharma is evil. it is hard to know who to trust, especially when your own mind is already afraid.
  6. i am on ssi and don't work or go to school. i don't get stir-crazy either. its embarrassing i sit on the couch in the same position from the time i wake up till i go to bed, but im never bored or bothered. i do want to go to work or school one day though because i am embarrassed of myself. i don't really know how it will go, but i want very badly to successfully do school or work. it all comes in waves, sometimes im fine then it gets bad for months and months. i dont know what i woud do if i was working and had a relapse. im hoping i never haave one again.
  7. i hope the program is going well for you. i posted before, its been a while, i left php last fall and i have mixed feelings. it was very exhausting and i don't think it was good for me. i had a lot of breakdowns in group. i was scared a lot. at home and on weekends i was very paranoid and having daily panic attacks. as soon as i left i started feeling better and a lot of the panic and paranoia i was having outside of group actually went away. i haven't had a panic attack in months. i feel better than ever now that im not in php. i don't do anything...nothing is stressful in my life anymre because i dont need to leave the house which is maybe not ideal but i feel very sane. chicken or egg. maybe leaving php helped me and without that daily stress my mind went back to a good place. maybe php is the reason why my mind is in a good place. i don't know.but i thought i would add my two cents looking at it in retrospect. i wish you a lot of luck!
  8. I never feel lonely, I am lucky in that regard because I am sure that is very painful. There were times when I was younger when I think I felt lonely, or at least alienated, and that was painful. I'm sorry. I do feel sad though, it feels like I am 22 and I have really thrown away my life. people who are social have experiences and stories that sound exciting and that i will never have. that makes me not lonely but sad. i really donn't want friends because that seems like a lot of work and i have trouble forming/feeling attachments, but i want experiences. it sounds interesting when people talk about the parties they go to or thingss they do with others. i would like to have that, be present even if only as a fly on the wall. i am having an experiment, trying to accept people's advances for friendship. i feel like maybe im using them because i don't actually want to be their friends, but i want to know what its like to be in a group of people who do things. its nnot easy, its draining, its scary, but i try to accept people's invites and stuff, hoping i'll be surrised and like it or that i will at least have experiences so i dont waste my youth staying indoors. loneliness is not good for health, human contact no matter how nominal is good. it sounds pathetic but i go to the grocery store to get my dose of people. i used to sit in coffee shops too. i think of it like sitting in the sun for vitamin d, but people are the sun. i don't talk to anyone, but i feel like ive done something then and i consider that my obligatory social endeavor. if you're lonely but not up to meeting people, i would do that. sit in a coffee shop with a book. people tend to approach you if they see you regularly, and if you're lonely you might like that. i think having online friends might help, too. i haven't done this but i know there are websites like meetup.com and maybe you will find people there and things to do so you aren't alone anymore and meet people that are like-minded
  9. i have social anxiety online, too. when i was in middle school and high school i could only talk to people over the internet, but when i was 18 i started getting scared of all contact, stopped even checking my email. i didn't talk to anyone online or respond to messages, even reading them makes me scared, it feels too invasive or personal like any contact with others makes them too close to me and it starts to feel like they can see me or something. i don't even like to look at pictures of people on facebook because i feel like they might know or they might see me. i am trying to be better though. i have begun trying to actively put myself out there online. there are maybe one or two people online i am comfortable talking to, its still like pulling teeth with everyone else though. even posting here is scary to be honest and if ssomeone sent me a message it would be very alarming. i saw an npr article about managing anxiety when playig online video games i thought it was funny because i have a few games i am scared to play because i realized there were real people playing! you're not alone.
  10. antisocial? sometimes i wonder but i don't think i'm actually aspd. i have a lot of anger, i hate people, i think about killing the ones that i think have done me wrong, and i don't care to knowmost people or ever feel lonely. BUT that was only without medication. i got really passionate about how people were innately evil and that they should be eradicated. the more people tried to get close to me the angrier i got. now that im more stable i don't really feel that. i just feel very indifferent. i don't care enough to want to have people be wiped out and i'm not angry at people, i just don't care about most of them. i don't mind not having friends really and i don't feel "better" around them, i just am very indifferent to them. i have schizoid traits and my tdoc was curious about aspberger's because of my social problems, sensitivity to stimulation, rigidity, etc. but we haven't talked about it in a lot of months so i'm not going to say i'm on the spectrum, just that there are a lot of traits i have and it was discussed but not definitively. i don't really consider myself socially anxious because i don't have a fear of judgement. i am not diagnosed socially anxious but with generalized anxiety, panic with agoraphobia, and specific phobia. i don't go outside though, i don't have many friends, i am very scared around people, so i actively avoid them. i don't really know why i am scared of people, but i do know that when i do "make friends" it doesn't last because i get paranoid. i start thinking that they are following me or want to kill me so i don't get close to many people because it sucks when that starts to happen. last friend i made i thought they put cameras in my room and even when i moved out of town i stopped sleeping because i thought they would come after me and come into my house at night.its so silly looking back, but even now i'm ignoring a friend i had just made because i think they might want to hurt me. luckily i'm socially indifferent and have never felt lonely or anything. being around others is very very fatiguing. i don't like it, like others have said, i come home feeling drained even though it seems like other people get energy from it. i have trouble with social behavior too, what to say, understanding what people mean by their words or expressions. someone tries to give me a high five and i literally don't know what they mean.....last time someone put their hand up for a high five i didn't know what to do so i actually stroked their hand so i really don't like all that. i will onnly go out and meet people if i have been drinking because it makes it easier.
  11. does it happen during the day outside of bed? i always had hypnogagic/hypnopompic hallucinations when i was woken up from sleep, i coped by remembering it was not real and by looking for inaccuracies. the last time i had something like that i saw a tall dark figure in black cloaks standing over me, my door was open (i lived in a studio so my bed was by the front door) and i could see down the hall outside, it was nighttime, there was a slow breeze. i froze, was so scared, but i realized the door was opened the wrong way, and as soon as i realized that it faded away, the door was closed again and nothing was in my room. i keep clocks by me and books now so if that happens i can look at something and if i cant read it i know its not real. as soon as you find the mistakes, the hallucination goes away. other than that i have very rarely had visuals. little black specks like spiders on the walls, sparkly flecks i call fairies, and for a while last year i would see people ducking from the windows but they only lasted for a few seconds. it only happens when im under a lot of stress, i take it as a sign i need more help and cope by remembering itss just my head. thats my only suggestion/how i relate. i would talk to your doc. good luck.
  12. I felt like that for a long time, that there was nothing, i tried i think 31 meds before being stabilized on risperdal and trying a high dose of saphris that has been my miracle drug. i didnn't experience that on lamictal but i took it irregularly so maybe that is why i had such a rough time with it. i've never felt lost of my personality on meds but it something i have definitely heard from others. in my first hospitalization i was taking lamictal and seroquel, was hypomanic for the last three days of hospital, discharged, continued hypomania for a few more days until i ran out of meds and the pharmacy didn't refill my script. stopped everything cold turkey, crashed badly. i got back on them a few days later and i had a very bad time. i slept all day and was awake all night for a month. i stopped taking the seroquel. had a psychotic episode a few days later, continued on only lamictal and was in bed nocturnal for another few weeks, having night terrors (my biggest complaint on lamictal was dreams), and then i stopped the lamictal because i became scared of it killing me, which is why i stop a lot of meds. the first week i was on the lamictal and seroquel i felt great...but then every time after that it didn't feel good, i never got that good feeling ever again and every time i stopped then took it again it seemed to be different. i think it was my fault though, living on my own i didn't take it the same as when i was in the hospital. i had a pill holder but still forgot to take them or i willingly stopped them because of fears of them poisong me. it works really well for a lot of people though. i can say though, being on the saphris for the last almost year, as soon as all the symptoms went away (whch was a slow process) i felt boring. dull. its just that i had never been sane until then though. i missed the creativity and zest for life, but remind myself that the zest for life turns into a runaway train that feels very bad eventually and that when i was unmedicated, once the good feelings went away, they became dark and stayed dark it was very scary. i'm thankful for the "dull" me now, i feel normal and once i acclimated to that, its something i grew to enjoy.
  13. Thank you so much, hearing from you guys has helped. "It was like the terrible memories were locked in a box that mania broke apart rather quickly." took the words from my mouth. its a chicken and egg conundrum, i donnt know what comes first but its like the floodgates open and everything comes out at once, so fast that it makes no sense. worst when not on meds, the mania turns mixed eventually, feel sped up so fast it starts to hurt and so many memories are flying out that they just become emotional noise. i relate a lot to both of you, the PTSD became very apparent for me then too, to the point of a DID misdiagnosis. all my immediate surroundings reminded me of things so i went inward i guess, but what you say chimako makes a lot of sense. its nice to hear from others. its been a year, im becoming hypomaanic again getting paranoid and having memories, like i walk and someones perfume takes me back somewhere, then birds, or sounds, or no stimuli at all. its weird, im trying to make sense of it. i guess it will be interesting to see if it happens again although im hoping not. it really was the scariest months of my life, started kind of warm and exhilarating, good memrories, then it turned very very bad. thank you guys again!
  14. good luck! i've been approached but for reality tv...i would not do reality tv. they wanted to film everything even as i slept and i felt that would be too invasive. they wanted to see my worst moments and that would have been hard because i dont want to be defined by MI struggles or for people to recognize me on the tv. i felt a little exploited, seeing the show finally air they made people look like circus freaks. i considered it because they would pay for me to go to treatment but i decided itwasn't worth it, they called incessantly for months to convince me to be involved but i was too scared. it might have been a neat opportunity but i guess it depends what it is all for. a documentary i think is safe. reality tv i would avoid. good luck.
  15. i don't know where to put this since it could apply to several forums i guess but i thought it fit best here, anyway, digress, i have noticed that everything hits at once, the mania, psychosis, and PTSD all peaks at the same time, one triggering the other like a domino effect. i never was able to tease apart why, what comes first. if i start to go crazy and then the PTSD intrusions jump out or if the PTSD intrusions cause me to go crazy, or both. around spring, summer, and fall is when everything gets its worst, especially the intrusive thoughts of childhood and the flashbacks. it mounts as time goes by. starts with looking outside and everything i look at sparks a memory of something that i hadn't remembered which sometimes leads into a full flashback. it gets worse and worse as time goes by until the environment becomes thoroughly over-stimulating, colors are too much, sound is too much, can't go outside because its too much and i am suspended in this weird state of wanting to run and hide because i'm afraid of everything, but also immense energy i can't sit still and i feel both elated and terrified at the same time and with this flood of intrusive memories i just cant put sense anywhere. its overwhelming and very very scary. in winter i am fine. intrusions come but its okay, i've been stable since about january and its been great, scared now though because some things reminiscent of my last bad episode are coming back again. it starts with all these memories and flashbacks. its random, every little thing, smells, sounds, sometimes no cause at all and i get a memory and it feels like im a kid again. my tdoc says he thinks its because of the mania. that when im manic or hypomanic there are more connections being made inn my brain and those connections bring up intrusive memories and flashbacks. i was wondering if anyone else experiences this? when you're in a manic episode or about to be in one, do your PTSD symptoms flare up especially in form of intrusive memories? does this make sense? has anyone heard of this before of mania causing an increase in PTSD flashbacks and thoughts? thank you. osrry if this is an inappropriate forum for this.
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