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feral sheep

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About feral sheep

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    meditation, chess, video games and science.

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  1. i bring up the american part because really each country has its own way of dealing with employees who are with bipolar. i struggle with keeping work, i have episodes that end up taking out of work, frequently. it really does not look like i will get any sort of ssdi or ssi. so i am looking for tips for my fellow higher functioning bipolar piers you guys here for some advice on how you guys do it. how do you work and manage your symptoms. i know some people have extremely severe cases. i have it but i have no choice and my ship is sinking always. maybe you guys have something. please help
  2. i can relate you rabid. that is what im feeling right now.
  3. i thought i would share experiences, see if this was relatble with the bipolar. I m aroused, an when i cant get fulfilled i am irritable. i spend hours an hours searching dating sites, doing Craigslist for anon hookups. i wonder am i searching in some way for validation? do you find it has something to do with validation? i feel like a ticking time bomb lately, just anger latent anger an i feel like i want to make others feel it. i don`t normally feel this way. there is a person who is no longer in my life, but im aware has a tendency they run their mouth about everyone, an like people to play against each other. some part of me feels though i have not seen him that i suspect he still shits all over my name. i sum it up to paranoia, small percent of truth to it but still full on paranoia an obsession. can you relate to this? do you find you experience similar experiences like how i am feeling?
  4. with your hyper sexuality, do you find yourself becoming irritable?
  5. i was diagnosed with bipolar nos. on april the 14 of this month, i was completely sick of work, hated everyone. did not want to go back. my thoughts were bouncing back and forth but finally i had made it through up to the 21 of april 2016. there were triggers along the way that i feel contributed to my mix episode. i m 35, im living with parents. working a shit part time job. things that don`t make me happy. orginally i planned on helping the parents but with their property, i believe i was going to contribute an get some business back ground but it went to shit when my dad pulled the rug beneath my feet an told me that he was going to sell the property rather than give it to me. i was hurt, i felt tricked out of my time. it did not stop there. i was talking on the phone an he just came out of the room an insulted me in front of friends. they have a tendency to humiliate me. i nearly lost it. i have accepted circumstance, an will be moving. i have fears though, while i get this together. i recovered a little but i know i am still going through some things. i feel like others are out to get me. like ex friends. spreading negative things about me. im waiting to see a therapist, an pdoc. honestly i feel like 35 years old, im old an no one will want me. i can`t accomplish anything useful. i hate these feelings. i wonder if these things are bipolar nos, or bpd. i feel just mixed up, i want to have a fulfilling life, i dont want to be alone. i want some measurable success where i can sustain myself. i dont like being weak
  6. I noticed that im guilty of hyperbole. maybe. i been called a drama queen, i get pissed an fight over things that other days seems silly. i over exaggerate or inaccurately depict the gravity of something until its too late, it usually depends on where i am on the rollocoaster ride. i fail to appropriately asses an act proportionally to that which circumstance would ask of me. from this, it is the reason why people look at me like im a nut. this is a look i have grown irritated an just would like to see less of. i want to change this. to do this i must be balanced, stable enough to respond, but there is a time frame which you have to respond as well. there is also a pressing force inside me at times, where intelligent wise people would hold their tongues an not say anything further or at all but just grips my heart, mind, tounge mouth, an just comes out in words, causing a shit storm, destroying the moral of everyone as well. if i could silence this shit head inside me that seizes the wheel from me an wrecks my life.
  7. I love my sister very much, but she has undergone a change that all the old things i remember are gone. I sincerely want her to be happy, an wish for peace to be among us, tranquility but because she is a christian, she wages a christian war against what she perceives as non believing or practicing. I don`t share her belief, i disagree with much of what she says or preaches because it does not connect with me. the problem, she makes me feel aweful an just triggers my depression an feelings of loss along with it. I told her before anything else, i that i love her but she make me feel bad at times, dont wish to discuss religion anymore with her or hear about it. her response to this was, well we just wont talk at all anymore. this response from her is not what i wanted to hear but agreed to this. i feel horrible. i know an understand she will most likely come at me in some passive aggressive way through other family members because i am not a part of her faith, an will say things like cutting me off an that im a weed in a garden or dead branch on a tree that does not serve. regardless if i feel depression. she has mentioned before an i felt like she was trolling me, by saying maybe god is punishing me an its why i suffer bipolar an that i should pray to make it go away. she has helped much before an was there for me but things really have changed with her.
  8. 35 an having to reconsider some sort of goal for myself. like go back to school an do vet tech or med assistant. taking a pause to consider the best route but just dont know. who will hire a 35 year old?

  9. its because im broken, huh? and ass holes have to be ejected cause they wont leave. he says, he will sleep around, and sleep with my love interest behind my back. he enjoys tempting. he also watched that fucking movie the play list or whatever the fuck it is. where that guy finds a girl and her love cures his bipolarness and they have a happy fucking ending. i feel like he is attempting to push any button to get a rise out of me. well i approached him first and now, im just going to ignore him and he can live happily alone because he obviously is happy that way. i swing from angry to being apologetic still. and im only on part of my meds. i just started taking them again. i just want to be normal. where, where do you find people that wont get freaked out by your bipolarness.
  10. do you ever have times where you feel like you are right, you are not wrong. later you go back in your memory and start to change your opinion, realize you were the monster and it were things you had done that set things in motion. suddenly you are the monster that needs to be kept away and isolated because you honestly don`t know, if you are fucking coming or going. I have been feeling like this as of late, while taking my meds. I don`t like this. I m tired of this cycle, I know i need meds but I believe this is more than just meds. i believe this is a Me disorder and not the chemical imbalance. at least im somewhere in this, i have some control, otherwise this vehicle is not going anywhere. a thing that really got me on this, was last week. I had someone who was aware I was bipolar, push my buttons. I understand no one should not have to walk on egg shells, but I found myself dealing with the fustration of having to do this myself, while they were I believe testing me. I found their behavior to border on bullying but it occured to me, it was still too easy to trigger my melt down and this is not going to be the only time that I will ever have to deal with this. things like this will keep me from doing the things that I really love and want to do. so how? how can I keep myself in order? in control and prevent things like this because its alway going to happen? I remember the anger just bubbling up inside, from the contradictions posed. it felt like a dog on a choke chain, that was given more slack but than pulled back abruptly. I was offended at such behavior, it made me angry but an atriculated response with reasoning always works well, not some collar around the neck not the case here. I had an instructor, who wanted us to ask questions, but clearly became annoyed when they were asked. when there were important questions, she made no time during or after class to answer them and during was considered an interruption. it was not accomodating. i knew i was not the only one experiencing this anger, but i made sure that it was valid. i listened to others. I wanted to make sure that it was not just me. it was valid. there were others. when it came time to expressing my feelings on the situation, It became heated. I lost my bearings and walked out. losing another oppertunity. I felt embarassed, for allowing the intensity of anger sweep over me and be expressed in the way it was, not so much the reason I was angery or fustrated for. when someone gets angry, people see a violent person, a monster, someone not to be trusted,, unstable. I have a problem. its me. im getting in the way. always at the end, waiting wherever i go, its me. I m starting to look for ways to detox when things like this happens but so far, i have not found anything, yet.
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