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Test Subject

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  1. The trigger for most of my flashbacks is my ex-boyfriend. He never beat me, but he controlled me even after he left me for a younger woman. For a while, he'd berate me everyday if I didn't do something he wanted. I was too scared to stand up to him and, when I finally did, he pushed me over the edge and I ended up in the crisis unit. I've never actually been diagnosed with PTSD, but the flashbacks happen every single night, so it makes me suspicious. I also have an unnatural fear of my college campus and every time I'm there, I feel like I'm being watched and someone's plotting to get me. Right now it's 6:20 in the morning, I haven't been to sleep and when I tried to sleep, I ended up remembering horrible events and rushed up to fix myself a glass of wine to help dull the feelings. How exactly do I go about getting screened for PTSD?
  2. My ex left me almost five months ago because he wasn't sure what he wanted out of our relationship. The break-up tore me up...even though I wasn't exactly happy with him, either. I figured it was one of those "don't know what you got 'till it's gone" kind of things (it doesn't help that I have bad commitment issues ><). Let's go back two days ago. I admitted to my ex that I still have feelings for him. Instead of friend-zoning me again, he admitted he wouldn't mind giving us another try to see where things go. There aren't really any commitments right now, but we're giving it time before we decide to become official. On one hand, I feel blessed, but on the other...I don't. Maybe it's because I'd like to be more than just "friends with benefits" at the moment, but I'm not sure. Maybe my issues are flaring up again and, while I want him, I don't want him at the same time. Or maybe our past still haunts me a bit...my family is worried that he'll end up hurting me again. Something just doesn't feel right, and I don't know what to do.
  3. Four months ago, I tried to kill myself. The reasons being because I've struggled with feeling like shit all the time since grade school, plus my roommate was constantly beating a dead horse over my ex-boyfriend. And about him, after HE LEFT ME because he "didn't love me anymore", he still tried to control who I talked to and who I hung out with. I felt trapped and that I would never escape, so I tried to off myself. And failed, unfortunately. Four months, a trip to crisis, time starting medications, two days after the incident to leave college campus to commute to class, and enough time for friends to become estranged later, I'm expected to be coming back to campus tomorrow or the next day. I do NOT want to go back to campus, but I have to because I'm paying over $12,000 for a fucking room. I feel my depression hasn't improved very much from four months ago. My medications do not work. I've wanted to try those herbal remedies for depression, but I keep getting told that it's a bad idea because it could make my other medications (any of the medications) less effective...like the medications were actually helping, anyway. I still feel miserable all the time, and it's gotten worse lately because my ex has re-entered my life as the friend-zoning douche that he is...making me want him all over again. There's also another guy who has entered my life that I wish I didn't say yes to first date with. I know, I know...it's wrong to keep his hopes up...I just needed somebody. Anybody...even he fills my inbox with messages about how much he loves me and how much he wants to screw me. My best friend has moved on to another friend, and he was the only other person I hung out with all the time. He claims that he misses me, but if he's off getting high with his new friends, I doubt he's thinking much of me. I feel horrible every day. My medications aren't working, I feel no motivation to do anything. I'm at a stand-still with all of my creative ideas because I have no motivation to work on them. There's a guy that constantly texts me about how much he wants to fuck me. I'm about to be away from my family again. I lost my boyfriend, and I still miss him even though he treated me like shit. I possibly lost my best friend. I'm alone now...these are all things that make me wish I succeeded four months ago. I'm worried that if I go back to campus, I'll just end up back here again. I'm sorry if I sound like a chickenshit or anything. I just needed somewhere to vent. I have an appointment in a few days to check up on my medications and I intend on letting the doctor know that they aren't working for me. I just don't know if I'll last that long.
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