Four months ago, I tried to kill myself. The reasons being because I've struggled with feeling like shit all the time since grade school, plus my roommate was constantly beating a dead horse over my ex-boyfriend. And about him, after HE LEFT ME because he "didn't love me anymore", he still tried to control who I talked to and who I hung out with. I felt trapped and that I would never escape, so I tried to off myself. And failed, unfortunately.
Four months, a trip to crisis, time starting medications, two days after the incident to leave college campus to commute to class, and enough time for friends to become estranged later, I'm expected to be coming back to campus tomorrow or the next day. I do NOT want to go back to campus, but I have to because I'm paying over $12,000 for a fucking room. I feel my depression hasn't improved very much from four months ago. My medications do not work. I've wanted to try those herbal remedies for depression, but I keep getting told that it's a bad idea because it could make my other medications (any of the medications) less effective...like the medications were actually helping, anyway. I still feel miserable all the time, and it's gotten worse lately because my ex has re-entered my life as the friend-zoning douche that he is...making me want him all over again. There's also another guy who has entered my life that I wish I didn't say yes to first date with. I know, I know...it's wrong to keep his hopes up...I just needed somebody. Anybody...even he fills my inbox with messages about how much he loves me and how much he wants to screw me. My best friend has moved on to another friend, and he was the only other person I hung out with all the time. He claims that he misses me, but if he's off getting high with his new friends, I doubt he's thinking much of me.
I feel horrible every day. My medications aren't working, I feel no motivation to do anything. I'm at a stand-still with all of my creative ideas because I have no motivation to work on them. There's a guy that constantly texts me about how much he wants to fuck me. I'm about to be away from my family again. I lost my boyfriend, and I still miss him even though he treated me like shit. I possibly lost my best friend. I'm alone now...these are all things that make me wish I succeeded four months ago. I'm worried that if I go back to campus, I'll just end up back here again.
I'm sorry if I sound like a chickenshit or anything. I just needed somewhere to vent. I have an appointment in a few days to check up on my medications and I intend on letting the doctor know that they aren't working for me. I just don't know if I'll last that long.