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neurotic0

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About neurotic0

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    I'm drowning in time to a desperate beat.

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  1. I am going through another bad phase. I've basically been in bed for a week straight and keep telling my daughter I just don't feel good and can't play today. The guilt is eating me alive! Thought about your thread and wondered how you're doing, if you've found anything that helps? Like you I am very isolated. I think this time of year makes it much worse as well, all the rain/snow/dreary days. I can't find any motivation and I just crave solitude. I feel so bad for my daughter.
  2. I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I'm exactly where you're at. My daughter is 4, and I react to her the same way you do, as well as not letting her walk around without a shirt on or whatever (she loves not wearing clothes) etc because it 'isn't appropriate'. Then I think, it really shouldn't matter, she's four. I worry I'm giving her issues with it too. I don't think she has any idea that boys and girls have different parts, and I wouldn't know how to go about bringing that up. I'm super awkward talking about it. Ughhhhhh. For me I know it's because my parents never ONCE talked to me about sex. They avoided my questions until I eventually never brought it up. They weren't open about anything (and not just about sexual things - I can't recall them ever even saying I love you) and were also strongly religious so I'm sure I have some lingering issues. I really don't want to pass them onto my daughter though Glad you posted this - there's some good advice I'll be taking as well!
  3. Thank you both so much for the responses! Unstrung Harp --- No, my husband and I both team up once he is back from work, I think the reason he is drained so quickly is that by that time of day she is at her most cranky and demanding. That is the hardest time in our household. Good to know I'm not the only mom who has felt this way. I have tried to implement a quiet time, but it doesn't last very long unless I use movies and tv which I don't like doing too often. Maybe I need to come up with a better reward system for her.. Bpladybug --- You are absolutely right! I have just now signed her up for a dance class that starts in January and she is really excited about it. I plan on taking her to swimming lessons next year as well which should help with her energy. We do storytime at the library once a week. I wish we could have afforded pre-school, we made both too much to afford assistance and too little to afford anything in our area. I am attempting to home school her. She is a very intelligent girl just very strong willed, I definitely need to find ways to direct her energy and attention to things that are more productive.
  4. Thanks in advance if you make it through this. I came to ask a simple question and ended up posting my entire thought process. So I've just read half of the book 'Raising your spirited child' and it was incredibly enlightening. I have always considered my four year old to be very demanding, high maintenance, intense, and just plain difficult at times. I love her more than anything and in a lot of my posts/blogs I talk about the guilt I have always had feeling like I don't do enough for her. After reading much of that book, something has just clicked. My daughter is an EXTREME extrovert/spirited child. I am extremely introverted, and so is my husband. I can see now just how much stress/tension/irritability/etc this causes for us all. What she needs to be happy is people, noise, movement, she needs to constantly be talking and making noise and to be DOING something at all times. That is what re-energizes her and makes her feel good. And unfortunately those are the things that drain me of my energy. I need quiet (at least sometimes) loud noises irritate me so much, movement irritates me (when it's bumping me or causes loud noises), I need a lot of time to gather my thoughts and just be alone... which I never get. I'm home all day with her and when my husband gets home he's drained within 5 or 10 minutes. We don't have a lot of family around who are able to babysit for breaks, and I don't have many options for friends with kids to do playdates with. We see my sister and her kids, and my ONE friend and her daughter a couple of times a week. I've honestly been at my wits end trying to keep this kid entertained every day. She will not play by herself. I have tried everything. Quiet time/alone time consists of her being extra noisy/throwing things/asking me questions/basically doing whatever she can to get attention. We have a lot of activities set up in almost every room, I will sit down and do them with her for a little while to get her going and she lasts two minutes once I'm doing my own thing. She hates being alone (as is normal with extroverted children, from what I've read!). We do a lot of activities together every day as well, there is just no balance and I can't catch a break. She gets a lot of snuggles and love, we go do activities outside of the house several times a week. I never feel like it's enough because whenever I am not doing something with her, she is demanding things/crying/screaming over every little thing. And meanwhile I'm just desperate for some peace with no way to get it. I'm sure at this point she is very aware of how to get on my nerves, by being extra disruptive and as noisy as possible when she can see I'm trying to concentrate on something. When she gets room time, she screams the ENTIRE time and will continuously peek her head out to ask questions or ask if she can come out yet. If I tell her it's not time yet (she gets 4 minutes) she slams the door and starts screaming again, then ten seconds later it's the same thing. This ended up being more of a rant... but I'm looking for advice from any introverted parents out there. How do you do it? How do you maintain your sanity? I am not a loud person by any means but by the time evening rolls around I feel like I am constantly irritated with her or we are all yelling. I have tried locking myself in the bathroom but she will just sit outside the door trying to talk to me. I need silence so bad. I really hate that my daughter mostly sees me feeling irritable and upset and just wanting some time to myself. In a way I'm glad to have discovered there's a reason why this has been so incredibly hard for me (parenting), for some reason it never clicked that I am introverted (I guess it makes sense with my social anxiety too). But at the same time I feel hopeless, like this will always be extra challenging and sometimes I just feel like I can't handle it. Thanks again if you made it all the way through this...
  5. I can't handle anyone knocking on the door or ringing the doorbell unexpectedly. I've had a few traumatic experiences that caused this anxiety. If I'm home alone I wont answer the door, sometimes I'll hide... but even if my husband is home I still get a mini panic attack and feel sick to my stomach anytime someone comes to the door. I was coerced into watching that movie The Strangers and that's made it 100x worse. Do not ever, ever, ever watch that movie!
  6. I just realized this was posted almost a month ago---hope you're doing okay!
  7. Also, have you applied for food stamps? State assistance, Medicaid, WIC? If you haven't you should do that asap.
  8. You are both better off without him in your lives, IMHO. When your daughter is older (a lot older) she will be able to understand more and you can explain it to her in a way that isn't so harsh as 'he abandoned you by choice.' She will probably start asking about her dad around age three or four and at that time you can just explain to her that there are all kinds of families out there, and that her daddy unfortunately just wasn't ready to be a daddy, but that you love her very much and you'll always be there for her no matter what. When she's older she will start to figure it out and you can be more open. As for now... try not to be so hard on yourself. I was in your situation 4 1/2 years ago and I know how scary it is but you can only do the best you can! There are kids with two parents that don't care half as much as you obviously do about your daughter---she's lucky to have you. For the record, my daughters bio father is still not involved in her life at all, but he does pay child support because I went through the state. I have since married an amazing person who loves my daughter like his own. I can't imagine the life my daughter and I would have had if we stayed with her bio father... it would have been a life of pure misery for us both. Focus on your daughter now and just giving her all the love and happiness you can. Spend time with family and close friends as much as possible. If you're able to have a parent or trusted friend watch the baby every so often so you can have a little break... it will help immensely. Do you have full custody? Is the father on the birth certificate?
  9. I relate to all of this. Currently rocking my huge oversized grey hoodie that I wear pretty much every day in fall/winter/spring. I have to wear skinny jeans because I feel like baggy pants just make me look bigger. I wear baggier shirts with big necklines because I am a member of the big boob club as well. I HATE my boobs. I feel like they make me look at least 10 lbs bigger no matter what. Tank tops + cardigans. Never shorts, my legs are disgusting. I don't go out much in the summer because of all the weird looks and I wear so much black. I feel very restricted in what I can wear. My hair is dark and I feel like it looks weird with lighter colors (? weird, I know). It also probably has to do with me feeling like black is slimming. I feel like I constantly look like I'm on my way to a funeral.
  10. This question is mainly for parents of younger kids. My daughter is four. Ever since she was born I have never felt like the time I spend with her is enough... which I'm sure is a common worry among parents. Especially new parents. I know this is largely due to my severe anxiety and I just thought I would ask how other parents do things. Today I: spent 20-30 minutes playing dolls with her, we went to the library and checked out some children's books and a dvd, we picked up a snack and came home and watched the movie together. This is about the norm of time spent focused solely on her/activities with her. I try and do one activity a day, but even writing this out it just doesn't feel like it's enough. The rest of the time when I'm trying to get things done she asks me to play all day long and complains of being bored. Which immediately gives me guilt/anxiety and makes it hard to get anything done. I do include her in tasks around the house but that is just a few minutes here and there. I also make bedtime a priority and spend a lot of time reading her books/singing songs/talking about the day before she goes to sleep. I just wish the rest of the time I could feel okay about focusing on other things instead of being overwhelmed with all the guilt/anxiety and feeling like I'm being a bad mom. It's worse when I'm just relaxing or on the computer (like right now). Sorry for the constant posts/blogs on this topic... I'm having more anxiety than usual lately.
  11. Yeah, I can't talk to my husband about this stuff. He doesn't seem to understand it or try to understand it, really. I think it just freaks him out.
  12. This made me feel sooooo much better. I hope to get better and better as she gets older, I tend to worry that the damage is already done because I don't do as much as I should for her now. Thank you for posting this, it really helps.
  13. I can't stop worrying about my four year old. I feel like no matter what I do, she is going to grow up with issues because of how she is raised. She has to put up with all my mood swings and inconsistency all the time. I'm scared she will inherit my lack of self esteem and self confidence, I can't handle being around other people and especially other moms so I avoid those situations at all costs. It's to the point where I just wont go outside if the neighbors are out there with their kids. Can you tell me how your MI affected your kids growing up and how it affects them as adults? Any parents on here that have BPD?
  14. I started therapy four months ago and only had two sessions before we found out we had a week to move (we were renting my parents basement and they lost their house) and we've just now found a permanent home. I can't afford therapy now because we have no insurance and the therapist I was seeing was 90 dollars a session. I'm hoping by the time tax return rolls around I'll be able to get back into therapy. Not sure what to do until then...
  15. I can relate to this a lot... I go through cycles as well so it's not this bad all the time. But it always comes back to me feeling inadequate as a mother and wishing I could do all those things for my daughter, she's 4. I also don't have any confidence. I just posted a a similar thread about this today in the depression forum, I probably should have put it here.
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