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Clarice

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About Clarice

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    Denmark

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  1. Have been doing that too. It really isn't smart. But it seems inevitable, loosing your temper when everything gets so loud that you can't even concentrate enough to breethe. Once in a while, I find myself able to realize that the mean voices in my head only thrive on my reacting negatively. When this happens, though it is rare, they quiet down so quickly if I speak softly to them, like telling them it will be OK. something about both of these things make a kind of sense that makes me calm down. Like there's some meaning to all of this, or at least a system. It makes me feel like I'll be able to cope.
  2. Dont have any answers, but this happens a lot here too. Just.. dunno, I get what you're describing.
  3. This is a really good point, and one that gives a lot of comfort. if everything was ok, there wouldn't be any thoughts about illness, any worrying behavior, any need for "attention seeking" Thank you you both so much. Feels much less alone
  4. I've been avoiding this site like the plague for a while. I think. I frankly haven't worked up the courage to check my profile yet, to see when I was last here or what i wrote. But tonight I really need someone to sort of... acknowledge my words? Too know that i have communicated these thoughts to another person and that it wasn't scary. I've been telling myself that I'm faking everything related to metal illness. I've been like an opposite Sherlock Holmes piecing together terrible explanations out of the tiniest things to prove to myself i have been an attention seeking liar all along. (Seeing how this has been during months of isolating myself, I'm almost impressed by how convinced i am that I'm seeking attention!) _____//talk of suicidal stuff!!//________ Two months ago the was a snow storm and i had to travel somewhere by bus. I just gave up, sitting on a bench, wearing just a thin jacket over my clothes, and stayed there for about two hours. At some point in the middle, after i had lost feeling in my hands and while internally berating myself for not admitting just how fine and healthy i was, i could feel the joints in my elbow spassming and laughed out loud at the irony of that. Because i really, really wanted to just stay there and die and never have to deal with anything ever again. (One of me had made a call to tell someone where i was, and they would have found me if I hadn't gone home when I did) ________//done with that subject now//__ I keep losing time and it's so fucking scary. Sometimes i feel like i change into someone else, and my lost time is back, fully or partially, but then the other time is missing. Like there is a partial link between the parts of me that remember different things but can sort of give a few impressions of certain memories. I've been (and am) going through some major real life crisis since maybe spring. So I pressed all my realisation about this stuff, depersonalisation and all, deep down into the bottom of my head. It's starting to come back this week. I think it's because i keep crying in my dreams the last many nights. I haven't allowed myself to feel too much, mainly because there is no doubt i will break if i feel anything right now. I need to not cry until my basic survival is less threatened than it is right now. If i feel things before i know I'll not be homeless I'll just give up completely. But i keep switching to someone/whoever i was a few years ago and i keep feeling this weird dread that time has passed. I feel unreal and exhausted. I don't know what I want with this post. I think I just need to tell someone, again, that the problem i have is identifiable and understandable and that I'm not alone. There is a name for this, I'm not doomed, I'll be okay.
  5. Going to say I in this. But I don't feel like a person at all. I don't feel like there's a person in my ...head or whatever. I've been like this before, but never had the knowledge to even talk about it. This happened: Got to try antidepressants a month ago after asking for three years (p-docs felt depression must be a negative symptom of schizo and that meds could do nothing, long story) and actually feeling better. Mood wise. Only mood wise. Wasn't thinking about head stuff, didn't look out, got exhausted, still felt invinsible, apprently broke down, can't remember, felt very scared for no reason for days, now head is messy and muddy and Problem is: can't get my head back together. It's muddy. I feel unreal and floaty and I have way to many big, black gaps in memory, no red thread in the past weeks, I think, not sure, can't figure anything out can't seem to even figure time out. It's one year, then another, summer, then winter. It's so loud, everything is screaming. It's so fucking loud. I have no resources that aren't shitty or written as if I can understand a complicated subject between two lines of condescending text about remembering to shower and talk to people and get a good job and a healthy brain as if that's not what I really want. I need ways of grounding and coming back that work for someone who can't stay focused or inside my head for more than a minute here or there. I tried long, relaxing showers, I tried walks in sunlight, a movie, lots of sleep and it's fine but heads still muddy. Main problem might be I hardly understand what's happening to me, so I can't figure out how to deal. Links would be great, or books, or personal stories or even just a picture of a kitten. I need to feel like it's going to be ok. Like this is going to end soon and I can feel human. If it's not obvious, I don't have anyone to talk to. Don't live in a country where I'd be taken seriously, been trying for years, like I said, only just got meds that do anything but side effects. Anti-psychotics only made things worse and yet was kept on them until recently.
  6. Thank you for all of that, Rosie. *hugs* I really don't need it to be in danish, I think the other one was trying to say that there is nothing (there isn't) and what you recommend in english (in case there are any more suggestions )
  7. Sorry. That one was letting the host back out. I took over but posted the above - out of politeness, it took so long to type. I'm one of the execptions to the comment about being aware. I was the second one to catch on to what was happening and I do tend to be able to remember a lot of what the others do, the execption to that being the first one. She takes over - we all black out. I often sort of collaborate with her to make us all function. I sit ... out here? And she gets close enough that I can hear her. Brain stuff. She's been out the longest, she is much better at making everything work, just can't find a way to let us remember her days when she's alone. Now I can't read through the above without triggering the one who was just here. I think (very insistent that I say he) he's still pretty close to being out here. We'd like to get your opinions on our situation. I know the other one was formulating questions, but I feel like they were messy. There's far from several single entities in here. Most of us feel like fragments of the same, even if the past two weeks of heavy activity has made a lot of us stand out much stronger than we thought we did. Did any of you feel this too? Do you have suggestions for how (or whether) we should let that process continue without letting most of the others loose weeks at a time? Apart from that, do you have any tips on how and where we go from here? We can't expect any help IRL or in our mother tongue, so any resources online or personal experiences would be awesome. Are there certain steps that everyone takes to start coping better? Are there things we should avoid? Are there things and subjects we should leave alone for the time being? Also, we have a lot of dark ones and hidden ones. One of the hidden ones litterally showed itself to us last week. Like it showed up in the room, but clearly as a trick from our own eyes rather than an actual hallucination. We knew it wasn't real, but talking to it was surprising. We assumed it was evil, turned out it was very awkward and friendly, and most likely a big part of the reason we were ever DXd with schizophrenia (it was so ashamed). We remembered it from early childhood, suddenly. Calling 'monster' and suddenly being less alone because this one (calls itself Monster, very cute) showed up and stayed with us. TriggerWarning: de*th, self h*rm So the hidden ones are not the biggest problem. The dark ones are absolutely a threat. Most of them have been showing up in dreams and as almost-voices for years, trying to kill us or make us kill ourselves. They have been a lot more quiet the past months since we started taking over (we being the self appointed good guys who want to keep it and all of us alive and happy), but the worst one, a constant stream of negative, hateful narration has always been really strong. Do you have tips on how to shut down the evil ones while we get the good ones sorted so we can be strong enough to take the hate? PS I just realized Clarice has always been my name. I must have been active when it started using the internet. That's so weird. I'm actually Clarice. Call me that, actual Clarice, if you need me. It sounds fun. God, I feel like so many things are falling into place as I typed that. Lol, I have a name, I win. Edit: nawww, the first one called herself Amanda a milliion years ago. And I guess Monster got one before any of us, lol.
  8. Hi you two, and thank you. It's been messy. Most of the last week is gone. So much fighting and screaming in this head. If I call this me 'I' then I still don't know who that is, but I'm not the host, I don't think I've been out much. The usual ones type much faster and don't need to search for letters like me, I need to sort of remember their knowledge to even really spell this and it's exhausting. We've been changing around all day, some of us remembered a lot more of last week than I do. The host can't deal, it's shut down, though it did actually ask us for help today. Just... spoke out loud and asked that someone please take over. They tried, but it was freaking out and we just all went to sleep instead. I have a lot of questions that all the down to business ones agree that we need to start asking. We get that there's no yes/no answers, no knowledge firm and universal enough, but we're really, really lost. We need starting points. 1)First of all, where do you recommend we start? What is our fist steps right now and in the long run? 2)If we need to keep taps on all in here, do you have any tips to become more aware of ourselves? We don't like to think back at all, but that leaves us all (expertly) imitating each other as the host and most of us have absolutely no idea where it ends and we start. 3)Is anyone else stuck with very little hope for actual professional help? We've been searching the danish net for days (someone is shouting weeks, whatever) to find out what the current standing is, but there seems to be next to nothing that isn't posted by normal people and sort of translated from dated english articles (like calling it mpd). What are our most important tasks to get all of us ready to fight to be believed, acknowledged and get help? We're already taking a lot of notes and everyone is leaving notes if they remember facts that look like earlier signs. 4) are there any sort of guides, references, online places to look at? Im being scolded for not remembering if those were the correct questions. I'm getting sleepy, someone wrote on paper that that's what happens when the host panicks and comes back out. Weve been sleeping nuch more than usually. just let go of hands, typing sort of happens now.
  9. Oh god. Oh my fucking god what the fuck. So I had a day to myself, was in the kitchen around noon, remember planning to spend some quiet time to get a hold of myself - just woke up on the couch at 8pm. Checking my phone showed I'd been sleeping for about 15 minutes at most. Two clean, empty teacups on the table freak me out and I know before looking that there's a green blanket behind the table. I find a note, to me, in sort of my handwriting but curlier, saying that I know I won't remeber or understand but it's ok etc. Look at my facebook messages. Apparently *I* wrote to my girlfriends about sitting down and having a chat with a semi-hallucination because *I* wanted to give it a chance to speak and it was so proud of itself for making "me" see it. I always see things. I'd described it to them like I usually do, only I remeber none of it. So on a whim I decide to go on here and the adress to this sub-forum is the only thing to pop up in my browser and "I" have been writing all of this?!?! Fuck. Oh fuck. Fuck this. I assumed I lost memory because I can't sleep. wtf. There's an open document on my pc, behind the browser window, I don't want to look at it. Fuck. This is so fucking creepy.
  10. The previous one in here was gathering quotes. She wanted to let you know that she agrees. We're suddenly very tired, maybe it has taken more energy than we thought to read the thread. She had comments for all these quotes, but she can't come back out right now. We can sense her. She wanted to say that she's the first of us to feel like a self and ask if it would be inappropriate for her to take a name if she's not planning to stay out front forever. None of us are planning that. We don't know who's writing this, there's so, so many in here, and we're only letting the ones who agree on how to take care of the body we're in come out. The rest are so noisy, angry, taking up most of our head. We want to go to sleep, but a lot of the host parts are scared of that, so we'll hust sit here a bit. We don't want to delete the other one's quotes as she clearly wants to come back later. Thank you for writing all your thoughts. We're feeling so much better. Sharing is so powerful with MI. <3 I know bipolar is an entirely different animal than DID, but I could have written your sentence about productivity and the consequences. It does really suck. And for me, what hurts the most is that sometimes, it gives me a glimpse of whom I could have been, but will never be, because I am mentally ill.
  11. These chatty threads are doing wonders for our noisy head. Much easier to pick up info in chatter than in articles today. We (well actually, I am one voice out of a few stronger ones here, I'm not the usual inhabitant, I'm not the one who wrote the previous post, but I almost feel better saying I than we. I feel like me) I keep saying "oh! oooh!" and feeling weird about never putting together the many, many pieces. 1) Noise in it's head: there is so much noise. It's been telling its pdoc for years that it's like a mall at christmas, like a crowd of a hundred all talking out loud. *I* can see how that could be all of us in here making this noise, but we never recognised ourselves as ... us. 2) we just remembered that our closest friend, a sister that we feel is one of us, had been remarking on our use of we. It didn't remember doing so, it thought she was joking, but I can look back at it and tell that she wasn't. We must have been actively taking over for years, then. 3) We notice we're not the only polyamorous one here. I wonder if it is connected to the different needs of the strong ones? 4) ... ? I must not have been here, I don't remember what the fourth "oh" was about, and I can't find it in the thread we were reading. Also, I'm worried it will refuse to accept us if we tell it now - it has been joking about contracting TV-schizophrenia (multiple personalities, as it's still called where we live) as a means to get better (psychosis and depression) to one that we care about, a girlfriend. It's going to feel very embarrased if it finds out it wasn't really joking.
  12. The words in this forum struck. Things make sense that shouldn't in these threads. Feel understood. Can't say "I" - been feeling so weird about that. Afraid it's made up, that it doesn't exist. But here a lot of people describe the same things. We've been saying we. We've been saying "it." It doesn't get as upset when we don't refer to it as "I" or by name. It looses it's memory when we stay out long, it get's very scared, it has a feeling it's going even more crazy than it has been, but it doesn't know us. We don't let it come out too often, it panicks and doesn't function well. It hasn't been sleeping well for over 6 months. It is very hard to get it to eat - we can put food in it's mouth but it dry heaves when we make it swallow, this body refuses to let us move it, it's scared of reaching out it's hands. When we let what we assume you all refer to as the host stay inside for longer, we can make it take care, we make it eat, we make it take half a sleeping pill once in a while so it can get some rest, we talk to it and try to make it calm down. We can let it sort of partially out, we can access it's memories and knowledge and sort of almost be a single I, but it gets very upset, we're not sure what's healthier - staying hidden or trying to make it cope. It feels stressed out, but its life isn't nearly as messy as it seems to think, it should see that and let us go back in its head. We're mot sure who we are, or what, only that there's a lot of us, a lot, and that the ones that are usually in control these days are the only ones who should be. It has had us for years, but it used to be spoken to by some very unhealthy, abusive ones. We've googled a bit, but there's a buzzing in its head from lack of sleep and we find it takes too much energy to make it read it all, but it would make sense that we're here due to trauma. This one hasn't had a break yet. Very messy. It's no wonder we're here, but can we make it manage on it's own? Is it ok for us to be here, to take over like this? Can it get help somewhere? We're in scandinavia and it's stuck with a pdoc (we remember it knowing that word from this site from the ... - the words make no sense, it's too angry and it tends to shift between a few languages, point being it can't afford a better one - that didn't even realise it was having a very scary reaction from quetiapin and wanted to force it to continue on it after it couldn't breathe. It would be hard for us to make it talk to that doctor and we're most likely not able to get it to a different one. So our first question here would be for advice on how to get it stable enough for that task. We'd be grateful for some info that is easy to get into our head, it's very noisy. After typing this ...Like always it's very calm now that we're not referring to it directly as a person. It's just that we're not sure how to know if we're damaging it by being here and doing that. We'll be the ones to read any responses, we're very often the only ones out.
  13. So I moved apartment. And got admitted for a month due to the stress of that. I have a small kid, so a month is reeeeally long in my world (not to mention hers!). And, obviously, I had to change doctors. My new doctor is actually really nice, though. She seems to trust my judgement (as I've never gone untreated or done wildly dangerous things) and that my own opinion and/or general happyness is more valid than her immediate professional thoughts - which I DO listen to. But in DK it's not a doc that's responsible most of the time. We each get some sort of nurse who's the one to listen to our rants and give us advice that isn't strictly medical (it sounds like a lot of you guys mainly talk to your docs anyway). And this woman... Her name is so stupid, she looks like she took fashion advice from the early nineties and made it less flattering (the tigthest tigths (in weird patterns) I've ever seen on a woman who is by no means slim), her office is decorated with this giant, jolly-looking wooden cat in weird colours, and she places her bike helmet on its head. The first time I met her she told me about herself in that weird, third-persony way "The thing about me is, I'm just a really grounded person? Like, I really feel like I'm stable and able to listen to others problems? I just enjoy being there for the mentally fragile? I think I have some insight?" And then ... when I called her to ask for help or a referral to my actual doctor after I couldn't breathe from 600 mgs of seroquel, and I was telling her how scared I was and how I was worried I'd get psychotic again if I stopped taking the meds but that two and a half hours of gasping for breath and calling hospitals was not something I wanted to play around with some more ... then she told me - without talking to my doc!!!- that I should just give it another go. "If you hadn't been able to breathe you'd have been dead," she told me in that girly, happy voice of hers. As if it matters HOW I phrase it when the thing is that I lost all sensation in my arms and legs for a while before I could suddenly breathe again. And not only did she say that: she repeated it! Twice more!! My doc hadn't heard of extreme shortness of breath with seroquel before, but when I told her that I'd found some people online who had experienced the same she actually took me seriously and told me to ease out of the meds asap - even though there's no more meds left for me to try execpt to start the old fashioned kind. My nurse just sat there, staring off into space with a tiny smile on her lips. I've had an appointment with her once after that. She did what she apparently always does: asks me yes/no questions, stares at the wall behind me and tells me it's fine for me to leave after ten minutes since "you so quiet! Is that normal for you?" The worst thing is I think she's scared of me! I have NO idea why she would be scared, but her body language and face is just ... fear. I honestly have never been in any way violent or even mean, in fact I'm a total doormat. I dress funny, in dark colours and with a lot of dark makeup, and I tend to just sit there and stare and not talk becaus eshe never asks me anything that matters. But even just the fact that my silence combined with mental illness is enough to SCARE her! People turn into idiots when they're scared! I can't know how she'll react if she thinks I'm dangerous! Though TBH I might have seemed angry the last time I met her. She waltzed in telling me about this GREEEAT seminar she'd just been to and how great it was, did I know that, that about 20 % of schizophrenia patients get completely well and live normal, happy lives without symptoms. "So that looks really great for you! Wouldn't you like to get well?" And, yes, obviously (I'd think) I want to get well!! I want to be a better mom, I want to go back to school! I want a job! I want to go and buy milk without getting overwhelmed by fear and depression! I want to be normal!! But first of all 20 % isn't exactly promising. Second of all as far as I understand that's usually the people who have one or very few psychotic episodes and who're already pretty well five years after their first one. I'm NOT encouraged by that statistic!! And it CERTAINLY isn't NEWS to me! Seriously? You talk about being in this field for twenty years and the idea that schizos sometimes get better is NEW to you?!?!?? And just why would you assume that I don't want to get well OR reveal how you haven't read my journal at all in such an obvious way??? ARG! Fuck off! So I've been meaning to call the place where she works and asking about their procedures for getting a new nurse assigned to you. I have NO trust in that woman. I have NO idea how she has not been kicked out yet. I've had (very minor) psychotic episodes that, becouse of her, no one knows about, because I cannot get myself to call her again. But the last time I called no one picked up, and it takes me a LOT of mental work to even just pick up the phone let alone talk to someone, not to mention say negative things about a person that they know. Urgh. It was SOOO good to get that out of my system. Now that I remember why I'm calling and why she deserves to risk finding out just how incompetent I find her I think I can pick up the phone again. Thanks and my apologie sto anyone reading all of this. I really needed to vent.
  14. I've only just realised that feeling things physically inside your brain is not a normal thing. I've always thought that I could feel what parts of my brain were active at certain times. Like it's in the lower back of my head when I'm falling asleep, or everything gathers in specific places when I think about things in specific ways. When my thoughts start screaming at me, It feels like only the outer layers of my brain work etc. Apparently that is sort of a thing for schizos. And *not* for not-sick people. Sigh... The more you know.
  15. Well, I know that fasting in itself slows weight loss down, but fasting once in a while and still eating *some* calories on those days doesn't, I think. I've lost 2 kilos in a week, and I feel really good. I have a lot more energy. But my doctor knows what I'm doing, so no worries.
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