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  1. Meditation really helped me with anxiety, but it takes a while to ramp up. I recommend the Headspace app for an introduction.
  2. To continue the necroposting, I received a BPD dx and told my clinician I didn't feel like any of the symptoms applied to me. He admitted I just had a "touch" of it. Maybe not coincidentally, he also taught a DBT class which I attended and found helpful, but not particularly relevant to my problems. That said, I do think I have something wrong with me that is more akin to a personality disorder than other things. I have a pattern of relating to the world and myself that is dysfunctional. I also feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with me, that I'm fundamentally broken; that profound and chronic sense of emptiness is the only part of BPD that I identified with, and it's also the one that seems the least treatable.
  3. I've gone back and forth on what "my problem" is. I think I've settled on three factors. The first is probably the least significant: my bipolar mood disorder, which is mostly under control. The second is my life situation: I have almost no friends, I live with my family, I'm in a very boring part of a boring state (all the meet up action seems to be forty minutes away), I work a part time job. The third is just my inner psychology: I'm terrified of being rejected, I'm constantly anxious (partly due to my situation), I have no idea what to do with my life, or who I am, or what I enjoy, or if I have any value whatsoever. I think all three of those factors bounce off each other. At the same time, it's confusing. Because I have been more optimistic and outgoing and motivated in the recent past, even though nothing in my life really changed that much. So maybe I have some depression that is undercutting my functioning, it's just so damn constant I'm not even aware of it anymore. Or maybe the Latuda is masking the emotional side of the depression (I feel fine), but not addressing the motivational aspects. So, yes, everything is crystal clear. Sigh.
  4. Yup, yup, yup and yup. I work 17 hours a week. When I'm not working, I do several things. Sometimes I sleep, eat, then scroll the internet. Other times I scroll, eat, then sleep. Sometimes I eat, scroll, then sleep. And every once in a while, just to mix it up, I'll eat WHILE scrolling then sleep. I used to do more things, but usually it was strongly correlated with potential job prospects, like when I took a programming course or was teaching myself Spanish. Lately, I've been feeling generally hopeless and it's really cut into my ability to enjoy myself or even feel fundamentally good about myself. There are a few bright spots, though. I started going to Refuge Recovery, a buddhist-based recovery group (for addicts, mostly, but I'm crashing the party). I also have my dog, who needs at least one walk a day but is totally cool about getting a short one. I think I was doing better on the Zyprexa, but I went on it because I couldn't stop eating. I'm thinking of getting back on it, or trying Vraylar . . . For me activity means I'm not depressed. I don't think I'm the kind of person that can be voluntarily active and still be depressed. But I also have very little ability to force myself to do anything, as attested to by the laundry pile on the floor of my bedroom.
  5. Yes, I can definitely feel depression and hypomania or mixed episodes coming on. You'll notice your own tells as time goes on, if you're paying attention. Depression: repetetive thoughts, low energy, low motivation increased appetite Hypomania: lots of plan making, cleaning, high motivation mixed: general crankiness
  6. A mental health advocate (or legal rights project type person) is the best person to talk to about this -- they'll know the laws in your state, etc., and can advise you. I doubt they would take action without your consent, and you probably don't even have to identify your p-doc if you're worried about that.
  7. This is very, very, very wrong. You should switch psychiatrists and/or talk to a health advocate or specifically a mental health advocate group.
  8. I'd be thinking I was over medicated with that mix, too. Whatever the mix, if it's not working, it's not working, and you should advocate for a change. Tell p-doc you feel like you're over medicated and would like to drop a few meds, and defer to him on which ones are most important (unless I have a good idea that a specific med is problematic). In my personal experience, psychiatric meds are far from any kind of exact science so I feel like I have a little more freedom in pushing the direction my treatment takes. At the very least, I'm the expert in knowing how I'm feeling, so if a med makes me edgy, or sedated, or depressed, I talk to my doctor and strongly encourage him to make a change. You're also in a stronger position to decline meds than your are to demand them. You're under no obligation to take every medication your doctor prescribes for you. It's your body and you've not been committed to the hospital or had any of your basic rights taken away. If you do stop a med, though, you should tell your doctor and get instructions on how to taper off. The most your doctor can do is decline to see you (and I'm not sure if that's even minimally ethical? maybe someone can confirm?), and you can find a doctor that is more responsive. FWIW, no amount of mood stabilizers could contain a stimulant-induced mania, so I got those after some very happy times. Interesting about the summer depression. I always thought SAD was associated with the fall/winter. It could be that your social activities, schedule, etc. are different in the summer? Also maybe allergies ... I had really bad allergies for a few years, and it unfailingly made me miserable.
  9. You'll find out pretty soon if you're taking anti-depressants! Prozac, and most SSRI's, made me feel pretty good for a month or so, then things would switch into high gear, but mostly mixed -- extremely irritable, quick to get into a rage, physically destructive, etc. Bipolar II's primary symptom is a chronic, low grade depression that often starts at a young age. The hypomania of BPII is also devilishly difficult to identify, and I don't know that regret (or not needing sleep) is necessarily a symptom of a hypomanic episode. For me, I tend to get really hyper-involved in projects, or I start making elaborate plans for the future (count my degrees, degree attempts, colleges, moves, and career changes), aka an excess of optimism. You're making a great start by identifying what may be symptoms for you personally. As you tune into what a mood is, what it feels like, what the markers are, it'll become more clear. This book might be a little dated, but it's the best book I've read on BPII: https://www.amazon.com/Depressed-Recognizing-Managing-Bipolar-Disorder/dp/0071462376
  10. Welcome to the mixed state. http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/mixed-bipolar-disorder#1 And if things get bad, remember there's always the hospital ER.
  11. > (what she really said, apparently, is just that she can't be 100% sure I was full-blown manic). Instead of asking the court recorder to read back the transcript of your last session, maybe ask yourself and t-doc what your personal signs of mania are, agree that they're serious, and discuss what the best way to deal with it is. Also maybe discuss other things that might be causing what you think are manic symptoms and how to distinguish . . . And, hey, mishearing shit can be one of your symptoms of mania, so if you misheard her, that just means you were manic. :-) Also, I don't give much of a crap about my t-doc when I'm manic. I go straight to p-doc because therapy has never done anything for my mania.
  12. My pdoc had one done to see how I would metabolize a certain medication. One it turned out I was missing whatever amino acid, he gave me the number of a supplement company that could provide it. The company started calling me a lot to see if I wanted to buy it. I did some research and there really wasn't any evidence that taking the supplement would change a damn thing. The whole thing was sketchy AF. But I'm sure there's genetic research guiding legitimate treatment out there, so if that's the kind you're getting, more power to you!
  13. Your confusion is completely justified. Those are three disorders that can be really hard to tease apart, and those three aren't even all the possibilities! As an internet commenter, nothing is outside my scope of practice, but I'd leave this one to the professionals who can talk to you for a few hours over a period of a few weeks to help you sort all this out.
  14. I was really close with my female English teacher (I'm male) ... we talked about books and movies and TV and generally had a great time with each other. I never learned too much about her personal life, and I didn't use her as a counselor for any of my problems. I never felt like a line was being crossed. Trust your judgment on this. If you're feeling uncomfortable, it's probably with good reason.
  15. Ah. That's totally cromulent then. I hope you continue to feel slightly less ebullient until you're at a satisfactory level of excitement with the universe.
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