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Everything posted by Brokendishes

  1. It's always good to hear about potential side effects I think. My dad was on Tramadol for a broken leg and wound up addicted to it. I know y'all are saying mild opiate, but for him it was highly addictive. When he died, we found bottles and bottles of it stashed all over the place. Never imagined he'd get addicted to it--but then he'd been an alcoholic all his life so it was probably another addictive thing for him....
  2. This! I don't get scared either because it's how my body has coped since forever. I'm in EMDR to process the original traumas and let the parts kind of talk to one another and learn to not dissociate at bad times--like driving.
  3. It's a crappy day--time for some soup:)

  4. Have you tried any EMDR therapy? If you've been more stable during the year it wouldn't be a bad thing to do. I have c-ptsd and when my abusers were out of my life, and I was far enough along in regular therapy/med compliant, I was stable enough to do it. It's hard work and the memories are shitty but afterwards it feels better. Maybe it'll help you too... Def agree, treat yourself like super-amazing right now. Do whatever it is you want, and let yourself feel good about it. These trigger-versaries are hard to get through but it sounds like you're working hard at it and have a good support system in place.
  5. Another mercury retrograde....bitch alert:ninja:

    1. TakeAChillPill


      Holy S***.  Is that why I feel like I have PMS but my period is not due for 10 days?  I just don't feel like myself.  Bitch mode activated here as well.  

  6. Migraine gone and the angries have left...back to my "normal" self today:goofy:

  7. My new fave word is "No!" I'm getting good at it too...no no no no no no!haha Boundaries are good!

  8. Alone on a holiday is *way* better than being in a drama....if ur alone, embrace the peace with gratitude. I'm gonna do whatever the hell I want ....even run with scissors....just cuz I can? Hope everyone has a good 4th!

    1. M@ri


      YES to all of it, except maybe not the running with scissors part :)

  9. I feel ya...acne at any age is lousy! I have to just chime in with skincare...if your hormones are balanced and stuff, a good skincare to try is Sage Skincare. It's super expensive IMO but it's life changing. They have cleansers, moisturizers, everything and it's all amazing. I used it religiously when I was modeling cuz breakouts were the bane of my existence. They do skin consults too so u get the right stuff to match ur skin...and nowadays they do aging skincare or whatever u call it, cuz not just teens get acne and they can combine antiaging stuff with acne stuff. If I could afford it I'd be back on it in a heartbeat! I also agree about Tarte foundations are great!! The Rainforest one is excellent! If you want sheerer coverage, Honeybee Gardens makes a pressed powder foundation that's amazing and smells like honey....all their stuff is safe for acne skin and totes the bomb!! HTH? BD
  10. Busy.Fucking.Bee

  11. This is why it's messed up....my labs are good, I'm in the average range for me and the doc thinks it's grief/ depresssion. Even my cortisol levels were normal. The only things wonky were elevated heavy metals of two kinds, but that was from when I was drinking pepto constantly for my stomach... but now the levels are normal. Yea, two shoe sizes...not width either, length...freaky right?! My slippers fall off if I try to go upstairs in them. When I had gasteoparesis, I lost a literal shit ton of weight and everything shrunk up. And I gained the weight back after I recovered, and hit my goal weight...which was what I was before I got sick...which was also about 15lbs more than my skinnier, cut-abs weight, but I was ok with it. Now the number in the scale upsets me. I'm still shaped the same only I'm expanded in the places women hold fat...and my belly/baby bump. I thought I'd just gain all over and be round, but I'm still shapely, just big like Anna Nichole...plus the tummy bump. Im seeing a nutritionist to see if there's some kind of diet plan, and I'm meeting the guy at the gym next week to try it out. I'm happy to work out if I'm going to see results...if my diet isn't going to help fix things I may as well eat crap and be happy. maybe tmi but I'm scheduled for a mammo too. It's time....I was avoiding it, but I read a certain type of tumor can cause the symptoms I have. I'm sure it's not that but better check it out too....,
  12. I tried to cutout any fructose and I don't drink, maybe a glass of wine every few months or so. I'd love to start walking and maybe burn off extra calories, but I know I'd have to follow up with firming exercises. Seems like alot of work. I used to eat lousy, not sleep and still be thin and healthy. They need to harness the power of 20-year olds and give it to others cuz I'd love to have the energy I had when I was 20!!
  13. valium i could take by the handful and not have it do anything to me. They tried it prior to surgery once and i would have been better off just having a Pez. totes agree with dtac. never tried vistaril but it was on my backup meds list to be used with valium like you're getting. Its milder than Ativan from what my shrink said and with less side effects. combining the vistaril and valium should help with anxiety and sleeplessness. Hope it does the trick for ya!
  14. Did I miss any discussion of you trying Xanax XR...I think that's the name if the extended release one. Supposedly u get half the dose at once and the rest over the course of hours. Some docs who don't prescribe regular Xanax do that instead. I have GAD and panic attacks and every other form of anxiety possible. My shrink has me on Xanax 'for life' and doesn't believe I will ever need/be able to get off it, not because of dependency but because of the anxiety being brain-wired....unless they can rewire my brain, I'll be on it forever....like seizures are due to over stimulation with electrical impulses--and they can't be regulated without a device implanted in the brain...it's that way with my anxiety. In my heart I think one day I'll b off Xanax and have processed my traumas and stuff so I can just use regular coping skills...but the way it was explained with my brain being this way, now I'm not so sure. Not to hijack ur thread, i just think it's dumb of some docs to avoid a med that works well because u have to dose it more frequently. I take my puny .25mg several times a day...total for a day is 2mg, my Rx is for 4mg taken as 1mg 4xa day...so I'm taking a small amount. There def isn't a high or anything...just less terror...def not an addictive feeling for sure. so maybe the Xanax XR might be a consideration for u? Hope u find something cuz anxiety is a real beast!
  15. A lot of stuff happens around period time....it's good u try to get info here if ur mom isn't helpful. Mine was good but I over analyze every pain cramp and drop of blood. I was almost 30 when I found out u can get cramps mid-cycle...which I was, but nobody ever old me....it's called middleschmidt or some other German thing....means pretty much cramps mid cycle. I had been scared I was super early or having issues but it's normal. I'm with ya that when the docs brush it off it makes me feel better too, but it never hurts to get opinions from other chicas too
  16. ChillPill, I'm not sure of I overeat. I eat all healthy organic crap like kale and have cutout all the processed junk, the only bad thing I do is white sugar and not even the gods themselves can make me give that up.lol I don't seem to eat a lot and I don't snack, Maybe a few crackers at night with some cheese or butter, but not like I used to do....I could eat a stick of butter with anything like toast or something--in one sitting. But that was when I was skinny.... i read about cortisol too but don't know what to do if that's the case....buy those pills u see on tv? It's frustrating because I eat way way healthier than ever in my life but if I work out a lot I'll lose a handful of pounds, but gain it all back if I don't keep it up... i feel like I cut everything as much as I can....like there no way way to lose this weight. It's frustrating cuz it goes to my hips, boobs and butt...and in a ball in my stomach...i look pregnant from the side. If I was fat all over it may make more sense to me but it seems to target those areas...oh plus I've lost two shoe sizes! Wtf?! My body's gone insane..... i don't feel like I snack absentmindedly...i rarely snack at all, just at bedtime. I agree about emotional eating too because I feel emotional about eating.,,,the taste, the texture, spice....something about whatever I'm eating will be super-appealing but I don't eat mass quantities...but I do notice how I emotionally respond to foods. I know I need to be more active for sure, but I wish I knew more about cortisol like if there's herbal teas and stuff that aren't pills that will help? Research mode ???
  17. Not like in, I eat them....but in, i think the grief I have is making me gain weight. i was ok until my mom died in 2016. I got over my chronic illness and gained back the weight it made me lose. But my mom died in Feb and i packed in a ton of weight. I'm 40lbs past my past-ideal weight, and 20lbs over my pre-illness goal weight where I was a little doughy but not horrible. I feel like crap. None of my clothes fit. Tops looks like stuff I'd put on a child, and even my fat-pants I can't shove my fat ass into. I'm wearing my maternity stuff and am worried what kind of dress clothes I can wear because nothing is my new size. It's frustrating. I get dressed, cry, try something else, cry some more and throw something on I'm not happy with but it's on. i keep feeling like it all goes back to my mom dying. We haven't gotten that far in trauma therapy work though. Childhood was such a horrible disaster it's gonna be a while before we can address recent traumas. i keep thinking that stupid slogan in my head, it's not what ur eating but what's eating u...i hate it.... I feel like it's gotta b something since my entire family has died off, I've disowned the one half-sister, and even the dog is now dead...that's a lot of shit, especially including bankruptcy, divorce and foreclosure....and job loss. That's a ton of grief! I don't consciously feel it all but maybe it's unconscious??? anybody go through weight issues with grief?
  18. DU, your post made perfect sense! I'm living through similar feelings. In therapy, we talk about my parts. The part that wants permanent dissociation I relate to the Borg...suppression of all feelings and unnecessary interactions. It feels safer to live there. The other parts want to do different things though so there's conflict in the ranks. There's no drug for depersonalizations or dissociation that I know of. I have an EMDR counselor who is working through the many many traumas that caused the pieces of me to be. It's nice that they all get to have their say and are heard, so it feels better and more tolerable. I don't feel like I want to be emotionless or detached anymore. Some of the earlier traumas that helped create that have been addressed and I think we overall feel better. The nice thing with counseling is that they don't push to integrate or make parts leave or anything. They encourage parts to talk and be heard. Some stuff I didn't even know was there. Your parts may be at a place now where they want to be dissociated but maybe in time that will change. My counselor just keeps reminding me that the pieces were useful for survival and thank them for their help. The parts are getting along better and I'm more functional with less feeling torn apart. i totes relate to the driving thing, it's overwhelming. I'm supposed to bang on the steering wheel like to a tune so I can feel it as real. I get overstimulated if I look left/right like in EMDR and that scares me and makes me pull over. I try to keep a grounding thing in the car too..,a picture of something non-triggering to remind me I'm safe...we don't do the "you are 'here' stuff" because I have triggers from various cities, roads, etc. I try not to focus on where I am but what I'm doing, which is the task of driving...that encourages Borg-qualities but it also keeps me from crashing. Maybe something about driving is triggering you too?
  19. Have you found any therapists who were supportive of DID? I found an EMDR therapist who fully embraces it and uses that in her re-integration process and trauma healing. I've had dissociative disorder since childhood. I found that having a supportive therapist has helped work through the traumas that caused the DID. When we talk about my pieces, I find there are more that surface because it's safe to. We're kinda reintegrating the pieces as we do the trauma work. I don't know that my parts are strong enough to be called separate entities but there's enough to deal with just hearing their baggage they carry and allowing them to be heard. I think a lot of my being better now is from having the kind of trust relationship with my therapist.
  20. Feeling really bitchy today. People IRL have pissed me off to no end. I'm eating bacon and chocolate. Yes, im a beast


  21. I gotcha...Ur in the west of ny state right? Call catholic charities and get a case worker. They can help with good advice. Pro bono is good idea for lawyer. They're req'd to do so much per year. Call random ones and see if they met their quota yet...your case doesn't sound complicated so they'd be more likely to help. If ur car won't pass inspection, leave it off the street if u can so it don't get tix, and being on ssi you qualify for the carts bus to take u to places, and its free...that's why it's good to talk to catholic charities. Salvation Army handles some stuff but they're less able to do a lot and a lot of people find them to be unpleasant to deal with. Source: having been poor as shit and living in the state of ny back then
  22. Contemplating eating everything in the fridge...but everything in the fridge is sprouted, healthy or Kale... I think I lose<_<

  23. I feel ya. I agree that a psychic cleansing would be useful in that it could rid the place of unwanted energies and/ghosts if you believe in that sort of thing, and subconsciously you'll feel better that you actively did something to make it feel 'better' there. I don't want to offend anyone on this board whether they believe in the supernatural or not, so I'm trying to be diplomatic and say that whatever the belief, if you feel better doing it, go for it. Also, I promise you'll sleep a million times better with a white noise machine!! I totes recommend D'home--I think that's the name--it's something like that--ugly little round thing that plugs in looks like it came from the 60's--but it works like magic! Or there are apps for your phone you can play through a charging speaker dock, and that'll do whitenoise or whatever sound makes you sleep. I like the sound of the Starship Enterprise's warp engine thrumming along with my white noise machine--I'm a trek nerdette and I love it!haha Quick note too, some aromatherapy would help too. Alot of the banishing/purifying rituals from various religions have nice smelling incense and sprays, but even a nice lavender potpourri may help sooth you.
  24. Totes agree with JT07...big kudos for doing hard stuff that makes u wanna puke. I would say that's part of the key to fighting the illness--you know, fighting back. I feel like you that Manhattan is a horrid place and I avoid it. For me the decision to avoid it has put the brakes on many of my social and work plans, but for me, I know how much I can tolerate--and that exceeds my tolerance levels by far. I personally had to come to the decision to take care of my mental health before worrying about career, relationships, etc. I would describe myself as driven and hard working but in the last couple of years I've had to reframe that and re-evaluate what I want out of life and how I define myself. For me, part of it was those news stories about people dying on a subway platform and its like no big deal. I want my existence to be more consequential than that...so I'm opting out of that kind of existence. I'm not taking a subway to a shitty job in a shitty city(that rhymes haha) just to make money. And I'm not doing other stressful things because the "cost" is too much, emotionally, mentally, spiritually... I'm in the process of changing careers entirely. While I am scared of the transition, I find it reassuring in a way because I now am taking control of my exposure to stressors. If I choose to, say, make pottery in the desert and earn $15K a year at it, that's a decision I could live with because my mental state is in a better way... If I had to ride the subway to work and be smooshed in a throng of people, I'd better be getting paid in the 6-figure range because anything less too damaging to make it worth it. PLUS, the biggest thing for me is when I was in bad situations--jobs, marriages, abuse, etc--I would just want to "survive" it and sort the shit out later--long as I made it through I thought it was worth it. I was soooo wrong! Had I been emotionally stronger and more able to gauge my inner coping mechanisms, I would have split and left all that stuff behind long before it got really really bad/overwhelming. The damage it inflicted has left a huge giant cluster of crazy in me that I'm having to fix NOW. My thinking now is I'd rather not suffer the sunburn and all the peeling and pain when I can just avoid the sun and wear sunscreen--know what I mean? I think your decision though is ultimately something you have to decide for yourself, and only you can judge how much of that City you can take. On the one hand you felt lousy but on the other you were successful and accomplished your mission(way to go btw!!) Only you can decide though if it's worth it to you to continue to be stressed and overwhelmed by it. I feel ya--there's alot of coping things you can do when you get a sensory overload like that--but when you're overloaded you can't remember to use your skills--it's a vicious circle. So bottom line is, how much stress do you *want* to tolerate...it's entirely up to you. You can change your life so you don't have to deal with that specific city, and deal with less powerful stressors--or you can continue to fight and try to keep going.
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