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Everything posted by Brokendishes

  1. Just wanted to add I have severe SAD. My only long term solution is to move where there's more light year-round. Meanwhile, the light box is great. Plus knowing when sunset is coming(there's apps for that or just go online)--it helps to know when the sun is coming and when it's leaving...kind of gives me a sense of mastery instead of being surprised by dark at 5pm. Also, I'm finding my body wants to get up earlier now so it gets more daylight, then it crashes right after sunset. Makes me live old people hours but it is helping me be more sane than previously. Oh also, I tend to need not just sun but BLUE skies...not that gray overcast shit. So I got the sunlamps that mimics blue sky light...helping alot!
  2. I started off with severe depression, then went insane and into the hospital right about the time I got some freaky anxious/depression combo deal. I stopped caffeine in the hospital, went through major withdrawal and now I don't drink more than half a cup every week or so. Before my body tweaked out, I was doing 64 oz in the am and during the winter another 32-64oz after work...like literally couldn't get home without it. I get severe seasonal depression, and morning anxiety too...but the coffee thing started when my dad died, the season changed and my depression switched to anxiety where I couldn't sleep (but not a manic state). Maybe it's a combo of factors in your life, surroundings and biochemistry? In time though maybe you can ease back...take it slow and avoid starbucks--they have way more caffeine than any other brand.
  3. Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted

  4. I agree...a half-way house if some kind would be good. You should have a plan in place before discharge. I kno how you feel and am sending you positive vibes. I was ultimately unable to live alone --sick besides MI...there's nothing wrong with admitting how you feel--that way ur counselor can help better.
  5. I read that article....I think tho it's the chicken and the egg--which came first and did one cause/worsen the other. I honestly don't know. I do know I understand how u feel because I've expressed similar feelings. I figure we get more traumatized from stuff and then feel worse because we feel more messed up. I feel completely barking mad and not fixable, but I hang in there and keep trying. It sounds lame and trite but any scrap of hope or just plain old non-hellish-suffering is one more grain of 'good' you can toss into the good bucket. My hope is one day, going day by day, my good bucket will outweigh the bad/shitty-stuff bucket, and maybe "living" will be easier? It's a dumb analogy but u get it...Try to build on any bit of positive to balance the bad stuff. I hope one day all of us will find our good buckets more full than the bad....
  6. Dopamine I get where you're coming from. When I was working, I was a star performer and they knew it, but it was a very toxic place and very sexist so women got harassed and not promoted--not fun. i have morning issues too even now that I'm jobless. I have different forms of MI than you, but we both might have issues with way high am cortisol levels. Have your dr check u first thing in the am then later in the day. That way you know if it's biological or mental. As far as the job, I so understand. Don't fall for it--it's gaslighting. They're trying to trick u into thinking u suck when actually they suck. I would look externally for help...counseling, job coaching, and keep an eye on what you can do to them...companies don't give a rats ass about people and HR is staffed by turds who couldn't get a date in high school so now they're all about power tripping the world. They will protect the company over u any day...look out for u even if that means talking to a lawyer or labor board...I kno companies don't care cuz I got canned after 8 years of superstar work, putting up with unreal harassment, and working myself sick. And when I got sick they fired me. They have zero loyalty so protect yourself and look out for you first!
  7. I came across this the other day...I actually felt something positive when I read it, hope you all do too I think this is what we all want, and I'm grateful for the people in my life who give me this
  8. I get what you're saying and I've felt the same, but nobody can make you better but yourself--I know cuz I learn the hard way, always. I'm not saying that in a mean way or to bring you down, but the more work you do on yourself to make you the partner you are looking for, the more you'll attract the right kind of person....that prob didn't come out right but you get my gist. I keep feeling this, what I call 'delusion', that if someone cared about me, was my 'rock' or anchor whatever, that I'd start having normal, human feelings again and not be this bottomless pit of misery and self-loathing. But in reading and doing all the mental-tidying I'm supposed to do, I realize that no person can "fix" me...and it's not ok to ask that of someone else anyways. I need to fix myself...fix my life, fix my fuckedupedness. It's not until I can call myself 'as close to ok as I'm gonna get' that I can be in a relationship. My husband doesn't seem to get that, and since we separated he's still in some kind of limbo thinking we'll work out or something. He doesn't really get that as I make changes to make ME better, it means letting him go more and more. I can't go back to being./living the way we were and if we were to get back together all official and stuff, I might be inclined to backslide...I don't want that. I don't want to go back. I'd rather be lonely now and hope the future gets better, than go back to living the life we had--with him stealing the mail/bills, emptying the bank account, getting himself new cars we cant afford, etc. If I want that kind of misery I can just stay where I am now living with my evil twisted mother. If I'm going to change myself, it's going to be for moving forward and not getting stuck back in old ways. I'm really sorry you're lonely--god knows I am too--very much. Maybe if you try to just do stuff with guys...like a motorcycle club or something, maybe that would help until you were ready for a relationship?
  9. That was a very eloquent way of describing how we exist in these fleshy sacs of meat and bone. People have feelings and stuff and if they've never experienced crippling depression, they have zero clue what it's like or how all-encompassing it is. Again, to quote a bit from Ally Brosh--it's like holding dead fish and feeling bad they're dead and looking for a little moral support, but everyone doesn't see the problem--they tell you they'll help you look for your fish, or that maybe they're not really dead, etc...all kinds of nonsensical stuff that has absolutely no relation to the fact that your fish are dead. it's like they can't see the problem and we get frustrated that they seem so incredibly stupid that they can't see we're holding a bunch of dead fish and are thinking wtf is wrong with these people??!{Ally explains it better trust me} That being said, Ally went for treatment for her depression and in time it got better(that part is worth a read--relatable *and* will make you laugh, I promise). You can get help with depression so you don't have to live this way. I'm getting help--as much as I can get and I'm struggling--but I'm still here. You should get help--you deserve to feel stuff again...not just this crappy stuff--good things too!
  10. I don't ever feel "happy" anymore, just "calm" or "non-suicidal"...nothing like "happy". Any feelings I have are forced for the most part or just plain messed up. Like I'll be totally viciously angry to the point where I'm surprised by myself like, how could I possible think that? That's not *me*!! But on some level I guess it is--repressed stuff maybe? The hardest part is trying to interact with humans. That's when you have to force out artificial emotions--even facial expressions, otherwise they can see you've lost a couple cans from your six-pack. I can fake a smile but it'll happen at inappropriate times and I'll be zoned out somewhere else not paying any attention to whoever is talking. For me, most feelings feel artificial except for those scary, uncontrollable ones that come popping out--like a little kid screaming and kicking saying "I hate you!!" Then I'll be like, wtf just happened?......So I'm guessing it's normal during depression. Ally Brosh has a great book and website--check out the parts on depression. Even when I'm really bad, I will giggle til I almost pee at some of the things she says--totally relatable stuff...it's not just us!
  11. I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place or not, but has anyone else seen that FDA-approved, doctor recommended stimulator that is supposed to help relieve depression and anxiety? It's by Fisher Wallace and is some kind of control unit that attached to two electrodes, one for each side of your head and they get held in place by a headband. I was a little scared seeing them soak the electrode sponges in water like in The Green Mile, but supposedly they emit a gentle electrical charge that stimulates your GABA and seratonin and whatnot. According to their video, it works with medication or without, and it's being recommended as an add-on to depression that is resistant to medications. Has anyone else heard of this thing or know of anyone who's tried it?? It's supposed to work for depression and anxiety, which would be great for me because my anti-D's make me anxious, and my anti-A's make me depressed...but I'm so incredibly anxious, I choose anti-A meds over the anti-depressants..So this thing would be great....I could keep taking my anti-A meds and get my depression treated--maybe even help cut back on the anti-A meds too. But I don't know if it really works or if it's a scam. Plus I'm kinda scared that it looks like 'do it yourself shock therapy' with those wet conductor pads--but it's only powered by two AA batteries...and they can barely power a remote, let alone give a decent shock. I have my doubts about this thing working in any regard anyhow. I have seen multiple people treated with shock therapy for depression while i was in the hospital those times, and none of them ever seemed like it made them any better. I'm scared of messing up my brain even more and being depressed and brain damaged Anyone know anything about this?? {p.s. sorry if we're not supposed to talk about non-medicinal stuff...I wasn't sure if we could or not, and it *is* recommended to be used *with* medication}
  12. Venus, I get it. I relate to what you were saying. If I read-between the lines right, I'm guessing that you may be an introvert who needs alone time to recharge your batteries, sort things out and just have down-time from the hyper-excitement of being around too much people, things, etc. I'm hoping that's a correct assumption? That's how I tend to be just by nature....some alone time is always theraputic for putting my head maybe-not-right, but not completely insane out of control. I always feel better having a little bit of alone time to decompress. I find even sounds bother me, so quiet things help me. My worry though, if you are NOT an introvert, why you would be wanting to be alone?... Is there an intent to self-harm or worse? If that's the case, being alone isn't going to get you anywhere but into more badness--been there myself. For me, it's a fine line between being alone to regroup, and being alone to contemplate self-harm and worse. It seems though that alot of people really care about you and are trying to be supportive, even if it isn't in a format you can readily accept. It's kinda hard getting help that you don't necessarily want or think is helpful--but at least you know they care about you alot.
  13. Irritable--and--without any magic eye/face cream to make me look unlike the walking dead :(

  14. Worst day I've ever had!!!

  15. It's calm here again for the moment

  16. Fucking pissed off and nauseous--and now I have to go to bed:( FML

  17. perched in a chair eating buttered cheese curls and cupcakes. fml

  18. Tired and sore, and my bionic arm is acting wonky. Rudy where are you?!

    1. jt07


      He's on a special assignment. That's all I'm at liberty to say.

  19. Tired...sooo tired

  20. It's like I could have written your post myself! I totally relate. The only advice I have is plan, plan plan and plan some more. That way when you're 'off', you can pick up where you stopped. I always feel better when I have a solid, concrete plan in the works....that way when I go off the rails, when I get back on, I can kinda pick up and continue. When you get tired of feeling like no one wants to listen to you, come here and chat and blog...Getting that shit out helps make you feel less bottled-up and bitchy. Plus there's no support like people who can say, been there done that. I hope you can find a place soon ...and a better replacement bf who won't ditch you like that.
  21. thinking bout gov benefits

    1. fantod


      not a bad idea at all.

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