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  1. Depression is just a part of life. You learn to live with it; not drug it into submission. Besides, I'm more angry than depressed.....well, I dunno. Maybe it's a bit of both. Weed helps; I don't smoke it for depression though; I smoke it because I don't feel quite as homicidal when I'm high lol. For some reason the urge to murdicate people just flutters away when I'm stoned. I don't know why lmao. Yep. Definitely have more anger management issues than I do depression. They're closely related though. Depression is simply anger turned inwards towards the Self. I prefer redirecting it to where it really belongs: On the people who wronged me. I'm a vindictive bastard. I get told quite a bit that "Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord." and my default response to that is, "I'm not taking vengeance; I'm just borrowing it. God can have it back once I'm finished with it." ...Sharing is caring, right?
  2. I'm a die-hard atheist. I'm always depressed. My personal point of life is to prevent what happened to me from happening to others. My world-view of the point to life in general is simply "To live as long as possible." Or when I'm feeling particularly grim, "To die as slowly as humanly possible." On the off-chance I'm feeling particularly enthusiastic one day, my points of life extend to looking forward to what the future brings; just thinking of how much the world has changed since my parents were kids, and that the growth of science, medicine and technology is only accelerating even faster.....the future is going to be awesome...for better or for worse haha. Personally, I think it's gonna end up a post-apocolyptic Mad Max universe, but I'm a pessimist. Even if it DID though....That would STILL be interesting enough for me to keep on living haha. Life is like a really long multi-genre feature film, and I'm the hero of the story, as you are the hero of your own story. I sure as hell wouldn't want to miss out on how it all turns out haha. Also, I empathize with your feelings of fear regarding nothing happening to you when you die. Personally, I think A LOT of things are going to happen after I die....they're just not going to involve ME lol. Bad joke, bad joke, I know haha. In all seriousness though, I too fear the extreme likleyhood of my eventual non-existence. This however doesn't make me want to give up on life and experience that non-existence right away lol. It actually makes me want to prolong my mortal life as long as I possibly can. That's the ultimate goal in life in my personal opinion. To LIVE. Life appears to be rare in this Universe, and it's not going to last forever. We should try to enjoy it while it lasts. That's the real meaning of Life: NOT DYING! XD ....It's quite simply the logical thing to do. PS: Hehe, every time I delete a contact from my cell phone because they kicked the bucket.....I feel like I'm WINNING lol. The little musical tones as I push the delete button over and over don't help either. XD --204
  3. That's nice to hear. I wished I could leave it in the past, but in my case by leaving it in the past, I'm allowing someone's present and future to be ruined, possibly forever, so getting justice feels like....an obligation/responsibility. I know it's going to fuck my life up worse than it is already...I just don't care. I'd honestly rather die than let them get away with it. My whole family is gone because of them. I've scared all my friends away. Just got laid off. ...For the first time ever, I feel like I genuinely have nothing left to lose; not tied down by anything. Finally in a position to do what I've fantasized about doing for years. ...It's not really my intention to make the world a better place...but make the world a better place I would be doing. Planning on turning myself into the police afterwards. Nobody has the right to take the law into their own hands including me....it's just that in this case my abusers are above the law and would never be found guilty in a court of law. They'd get away with a slap on the wrist for criminal negligence, despite the bodies of the ones just like me who didn't survive. It'd all just be called a "tragic accident". Mansluaghter at worst. .......Fuck the law. And no; not currently in any kind of therapy. Tried it before. Pissed me off. Don't do it anymore lol. I have my own ways of coping...they're just not normally deemed, ahem, "socially acceptable" lol =P
  4. I'm kinda always depressed. Sometimes suicidal, but I'd never act on it because I have too much shit to do and too many people who are counting on me, so I just kinda have a perpetual death wish, often secretly hoping I get hit by a truck on the bike ride to work every morning, or crossing my fingers that I have a lethal allergic reaction to whatever new creepy bug has bitten or stung me. ...I just found out that I have absolutely zero effect to wasp stings. Not even a little swelling. I'm abnormally immune to stinger-venom. Needless to say I was disappointed, because mom IS deathly allergic; there was a chance she passed it on to me, so I grew up with a severe phobia of wasps, and have never ever been stung until this, my 23rd year of life on planet suck-fest. Every time I see a new strange dog, straying around the alley next to my house while I take out the garbage, I secretly hope it decides to become hostile, and mauls me to death. ...I'm starting to think God just hates me too much to let me die, and I don't even really believe in God...but the level of "suck" in my life is so astronomically high, that it feels like some kind of eerie sinister force is out to get me, and just wants or needs me to suffer. I've like, literally done my best to tempt fate without crossing the line into flatout suicide. Walking a little too close to the edge of the cliff on a nature hike...drinking the milk even though it's well past the expiration date...eating questionably lookiing fruits and vegetables...eagerly awaiting the plane to go down in an epic spiral into the ground when the pilot does that almost vertical banking maneuver...or not looking both ways before zooming across the street on my bike...had some close calls, few minor wrecks, but I have yet to encounter the maniac going sixty miles an hour that just drives right over me....there's always tomorrow I suppose. Maybe some rednecks stray bullet will get me; heard of that happening to a couple of folks. Lucky bastards.
  5. Don't apologize for offending anyone Janet. If you do you'll be apologizing your entire life. People just need to accept the fact that the world doesn't revolve around them and their own personal beliefs. Keep strong. =)
  6. Exhausted and sleep-deprived to the point of drunkeness without the alcohol. Been awake for over two days. About to pass out. See ya in fourteen hours.
  7. I ditched my meds a long time ago. I may not be considered as "stable" while off of drugs, but I'm fine with that. This is the way I was supposed to be. If others don't like it, that's THEIR problem, not mine.
  8. I don't like the idea of a sentient all knowing all powerful god figure. That would mean the Universe is basically just a big game and we're the pawns on a chessboard for the amusement of someone else. Like an animal in a zoo. In a cage. I hate feeling like I'm in a cage. And I guess that's what religions are to me in a sense; a cage, ruled by dictators. I've read the entire Bible. It's hard to believe that God is benovolent whatsoever; He strikes me as a maniac. I actually like the Devil more than God in the Bible lol. All the Devil ever did was show Humanity the difference between right and wrong. God on the other hand wanted us to remain ignorant, savage primates that were easily manipulated. The Devil came bringing light; which is why he was called Lucifer, the Morning Star. He's basically....copyright infringement. If you look at Prometheus from Greek Mythology, he basically did the same thing Lucifer did, only his people worshipped him as a hero instead, quite logically so if I may add haha. And you know the story of Horus? It just about mirrors precisely the story of Jesus Christ; it just predates Jesus by thousands of years, so Jesus is a ripoff too! Lol. XD Dang...I was gonna try to be nice. =/ --204
  9. I believe religion is simply ancient politics originating from old folk tales created after aliens descended from the heavens and started fucking all the monkey's. I don't believe in free will because it goes against the laws of physics. Action and reaction; cause and effect. The Chaos Theory. For want of a nail, the shoe was lost. For want of the shoe, the horse was lost. For want of the horse, the rider was lost. For want of the rider, the battle was lost. For want of the battle, the kingdom was lost. ...And all for the want of a horseshoe nail. My "god" is Gravity. The moment gravity first got it's foothold in this Universe, it was literally all downhill from there. The entire future of existence was written in stone in that one moment. Think of it as the "Little Nudge" heh heh.
  10. Yes, you're justified. I hate my dad too. He was a violent alcoholic two-timing bastard junkie.
  11. Thanks; super refreshing and inspiring to learn theres still people out there who aren't afraid to speak the truth; no matter how crazy it may sound. Enough people start calling you crazy for long enough, you can end up believing it yourself, even if you might be one of the last few genuinely sane people left in the world.
  12. All the time. Only a certain kind of person though. The kind of person who destroys children's souls for money. I've been planning to kill them all someday in the future, when I feel I'm ready. I've been training myself for the day I begin my crusade ever since I escaped those monsters for about a decade now. I still don't feel ready; I won't be for quite a while. Maybe I'll never feel truly "ready"....it just feels like something that I HAVE to do. I often daydream about it, and particularly the aftermath; prison is all part of my master plan; sometimes I find that kind of funny in a dark way haha. If I spend the rest of my life locked up, I'd be just fine with that; it'd be like coming home. God knows I've been through worse than anything a regulated federal prison could possibly do to me. If they decided to sentence me to death for my crimes, I'd be just fine with that too. I don't have anything left to lose really. If it meant those animals were GONE and would never hurt any other child EVER again...Damn straight I feel it'd be worth it. ....How's that for an "I-Feel Statement"? XD --204
  13. *gasp* "I'm so sorry that happened to you!" I fucking hate it when people tell me that. That's why I try to keep it a secret. Only recently have I ever thought to question exactly WHY I hate it when people tell me that.....and I have no fucking clue. O.O Do YOU hate it when people say that phrase to you? How come??? o.O --204
  14. Do others with C-PTSD typically find themselves fixated on getting revenge against the one(s) who traumatized them? Sometimes I worry that I might be a clinical psychopath...not really sure of much these days. Other times I wonder if maybe I'm a sociopath. Not sure how that would even be tested.
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