So, I don't even know where to begin. I'm so tired of trying to seek help and hitting brick walls that I almost wish I would just flip out enough to draw something to me ... like serious help. Being diagnosed with depression around the age of 14, I have spent most of my life either accepting and managing or spiraling out of control. Suicidal thoughts run rampant but I'm too afraid to fail and since now I have children, too afraid to screw them up any more than I already have. Thyroid issues ... hyperthyroid for almost 3 years now. Managing and surviving although I got the eye disease that goes with it so thyroid removal is not an option for me without the possibility of blindness since it will make my eyes worse than what they already are. Currently on NOTHING. Angry all of the time. Pissed at the world. Drove away all of my friends. Almost have driven away my husband (who is a recovering addict that I suspect of relapsing) ... I'm a loner, I panic, I have severe anxiety some days, depressed every day and sometimes my moods elevate and I am the happiest girl in the world and an hour later I'm plotting on how I could kill myself to make it look like a natural death so my kid's don't have to live with the guilt and label of having their mother kill herself. I feel insane. I've searched high and low for a psychiatrist. I have gotten a few quacks. More than my fair share. No one wants to take our insurance even though it's good insurance. Doesn't seem like being a psychiatrist is about helping people, it's more about making money (because they almost always take self pay at the rate of $150 an hour and up). Unaffordable to self pay. I don't even know what is wrong with me. Am I bi-polar? This is just a brief description of what I feel and go thru and I probably would never share all of the thoughts that run thru my brain. Living, sometimes, feels like torture. I have no purpose. I should be happy. Three healthy kids, long-term marriage ... no extreme pitfalls. I just need help dammit and I can't seem to find any. I do well on benzo's. My Dr. prescribed me some (30) about a year ago and i've made them last as he won't prescribe me anymore (he's an endocrinologist, not a psych). I'm usually at least mellow while I'm on them and don't feel the anger that normally floods me. I'm a long-term pothead - yes, I know, some of you will think that makes me a horrible mother but I don't do it around my kids and I would compare it to all of the other mom's who have their weekly glass of wine. Pot does tend to make me feel relaxed and happy but over the years I've become more panicky on it and I think it is because I AM a mom and I don't want to jeopardize my children by doing something illegal. Wish they'd just legalize the shit. I take all kinds of vitamins and thyroid meds but nothing else for my depression. I'm just sad because my kids have to live with me. Mommy stays in bed somedays and doesn't want to get out. Mommy is happy and wants to take them shopping and play with them and giggle and laugh. Mommy screams at them for mouthing off or not doing their chores and tells them to get their @$$ to their effing room NOW!! It's so up and down and they have to deal with that. It's not fair to them. I love them more than anything in this world and I need to get better FOR THEM. Don't get me wrong, they are all taken care of, never unattended, fed well, bathed, clean and loved. They go to church, do many activities and all thrive in school. They're good kids. But their mom is not well. And she needs help and feels like she has nowhere to turn. What do I do?