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jcool

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  1. hi twenty-seven, welcome. i just joined yesterday, but i already am glad to say welcome to you, because, as you wrote, you have obviously been through a lot. i look forward to hearing your input on new posts. ive also had crazy anxiety while drugged up in an ambulance, and had the feeling that i had to blame myself and not the drugs. thank you thank you for mentioning that, because its something i try to explain to my family and friends a lot. yes, the pot made me paranoid, but there had to be something wrong with me to begin with that would cause me to have drug-induced psychosis right? i cant believe you ate a brownie that had 2 grams. i remember having .5 in a firecracker (peanut butter and weed baked together between two crackers), and being o so fucked up. i just remember people looking like they were from the incredibles, cartoonish, and even now i sometimes revert back to thinking people look like cartoons when i stare at someone for too long. anyway you are a wonderful writer and extremely insightful. glad youre here.
  2. to elvis thanks for the new band suggestion im digging ween and listening to them now as i write this. in response to what you said, i would first say that i agree that smoking weed can bring back some parts of a bad trip. for example, when i imagined my boyfriend had snapped at me, i was very stoned at that moment and remember telling myself i need to stop smoking. also, i have tried dmt in the past, but i didnt feel much. what i smoked was at the end of someone else's hit, and i was also a little scared to try it, so i didnt really breathe it in as deeply as i could've. i dont know if i would ever try it again since i heard its like a roller coaster.. ive also heard of people seeing demons and shit on it, and i feel like if that happened to me id overanalyze it way too much. elvis, i know i shouldnt fuck with my brain chemistry for recreational purposes, but thats just what doing drugs does, including alcohol, and its hard for me to imagine being clean and sober forever since getting fucked up was fun and a social thing for me. i know i can have fun without substances, but its just not the same, and its hard to be in party situations at this age without drugs and alcohol being in the environment. to eden, i would say that in response to having any anxiety about smoking pot i would say yes and no. i obviously do have a little bit of anxiety since i havent been high since the concert that i lost my shit at back in the end of august/beginning of september. however, i actually did take a hit of a joint at a Lotus concert i went to at the end of december. i didn't feel high at all from it though since it was only one drag of a roach that had middies in it. i could have went out and bought some weed and smoked it since then, but first i have no one close to me who would allow me to smoke, and second i dont have anything to smoke it from if i were to smoke on my own since my parents threw away all of my pipes. anyway, yes bad trips are all about the state of mind. because of this, i am a little nervous to smoke again. im afraid that because my doctor and others have told me that even smoking once can be detrimental to my health, that there will be a self-fulfilling prophecy and i would go back to my psychotic state. to es i like what you said. it is the vibes and the energy that im after, and i know i can get that without the drugs, its just hard for me for some reason. i just remember there being somewhat of a community of the people who smoked weed, and no longer being in that community has been upsetting for me. i know i can still be friends and get along well with people who smoke without smoking, but its been tough these days to go outside of my comfort zone. to rosie, thanks i will check out the new user agreement and try to become more familiar with the site. i think i want to smoke again because i have this idea that if i could smoke i would go back to the happy person i once was before i went so crazy. i just really enjoyed the lifestyle of it and the friends i made from it. this idea of going back to my old self is tempting, and i just miss how i was more creative when i smoked and how i enjoyed music more and food and intimacy etc. i used to even smoke before i would go to the gym, and take classes like kickboxing with a friend while high and have so much fun. it was a good time while it lasted, and i guess i just need to keep telling myself that things are different now and i need to focus on my mental health and well-being instead of how i can get to an altered state. to larkspur, when you mention not being able to handle toking like i used to, that is one of the reasons why i want to smoke. i want to see if i can handle smoking like i used to and then make the decision once and for all if i would smoke again, if that makes sense. i know thats a bad way to handle the situation tho, since that one time has the potential to bring me back to the psychotic state. its a risk that i can see myself taking unfortunately, and i dont know how i can get that idea out of my head. no matter what everyone tells me, i know the decision needs to come from myself, and im too convinced that since im not crazy now i wont be again.
  3. thanks for commenting es. yes, for some people smoking helps them, such as with my friend's little sister who has ulcerative colitis but has been to a psych ward for suicide attempts. shes amazing tho, she goes to a great college and is a yoga instructor. ive been getting jealous of people who get to smoke every day like she does, because i miss that lifestyle and making friends through smoking a bowl together etc. even being at music festivals was an amazing experience where people were using drugs but for the most part were extremely friendly to one another and just sending positive vibes all around. i keep thinking back to those good times at festival and concerts and i often feel now that the best days are behind me, causing my depression. also, yes we have our choices, i just feel like ive made some pretty awful choices in the past and need some help from people to make better ones from now on. i currently go to a group therapy once a week for people who range from different types of drug issues such as mandatory meetings for people with duis, to people overcoming heroine addictions. they all recommend support groups like aa and na, but i dont feel comfortable at the aa meetings since im not an alcoholic (though i understand they accept non-alcoholics at meetings who just need support), and i felt that the na meetings were a little bit too intense for me. i agree that marijuana can be put in the psychedelics group, it helps you kind of view your mind. i do know that having too much has had negative effects on me in the past, such as passing out and even having an inception moment where i swear i had a trip within my trip when i dabbed (smoked hash oil evaporated in one giant hit) at the end of an acid trip. I think i would maybe smoke a joint with a few close friends and see how i feel if i did decide to try it out again. i know for sure i would stay away from acid, though part of me wants to try shrooms since ive heard it feels much more natural. Ive also heard that it's more difficult to come out of a bad shroom trip tho, and i really should just stay away from hallucinogens all together. again, thanks for responding, i will try to keep questioning myself in a positive way.
  4. Hi I am a 21-year-old girl, and I experienced a psychotic break back in the beginning of September when I was still 20. I was diagnosed with drug-induced psychosis. I am now on the anti-psychotic Fanapt (4mg/day) and the anti-depressant Lexapro (15mg/day). I first started smoking when I was in high school, the summer into my sophomore year. I only smoked about once a week throughout high school, but I preferred drinking over smoking. This continued when I began college, where I rarely smoked weed my freshman year and instead got drunk multiple times per week. The summer into my sophomore year of college, I began smoking weed about every day (I was influenced by friends and a guy) and I experienced my first acid trip at a Phish concert. I had an incredibly wonderful time as I was with my two best friends and my guy. Later that summer I tripped on acid again, two times in two days at a music festival. Again I had a very pleasant experience. I smoked pot about two times a week when I returned to school in the fall. That winter break I went to another Phish concert on New Years Eve. That night I had a horrifying trip that would be extremely scary at moments and then pretty good at other moments, with the scary parts sneaking up on me throughout the night. I threw up that night twice while tripping, and I also got snapped at by a friend’s dog, which while tripping, looked like a monster was trying to eat me. Later that week, I experienced what I believed was a flashback, but instead of a dog trying to snap at me, I imagined my boyfriend snapped at me when he hadn’t. I thought I was going crazy and when I returned to school I had a hard time and did poorly in my classes. I kept overanalyzing everything and couldn’t understand why the bad trip had happened. I was down to smoking weed about three times a week while at school. When summer came around I was in much better spirits, and was smoking weed almost every day again. I went to a music festival and tripped acid for the first time since the bad trip, and I had a wonderful time. At moments while tripping, I thought that I heard someone calling my name, but no one was. I also tripped again two times in two days at a different music festival later in the summer. At this festival, I started believing that everything was happening for a reason and that everything was already planned out for me. I remember thinking to myself that if anyone had DMT, I would smoke it, and right after having that thought, someone popped up and said they had some, but I ended up not accepting their offer. As the summer continued more weird coincidences were happening that were freaking me out. I was fishing at camp one day, and when I would have a good thought, I would right away catch a fish, and I thought the universe was trying to send me messages. When I went back to school that fall, more weird things happened. I needed a hat to work at a food co-op, and I randomly found a great hat on the floor, which I thought I manifested with my mind. Then, one night I took one and half pills of a pain killer mixed with alcohol, and the next morning I woke up thinking I was completely crazy. I researched schizophrenia online, and noticed that one of the symptoms was hearing your name. I immediately thought not only was I schizophrenic, but that I was at a college where we were supposed to find out what mental disorder we had and that having schizophrenia meant I was a person of the future and had special powers. Later that night, I went to a concert with a friend, where I drank and smoked a lot. I went to an after party, where I had the choice of staying and meeting the band, or leaving with my ride. I chose the former, and stayed with a friend. My friend was my best friend’s ex boyfriend, and we started cuddling a little, and I started getting the paranoid thought that he had planned this encounter. The morning came, and a violent movie was playing on tv, and I suddenly thought I was in a killer’s house. Our ride wasn’t coming for another hour or so, and I called my parents and my old boyfriend saying how scared I was. My parents came to pick me up and brought me to a hospital, where I was released after a few hours because I explained I just wanted to try a few drugs for research purposes. My parents left me at school and went back home, but the next few days I went a little bit crazier. I was walking to class, when a large burst of wind came by and I felt as though the wind was telling me to not go to class. I then thought that there were going to be bombs on campus, and I ran back to my apartment. I went to a meeting that night for a club I was in, and when my friend said, “It’s hot in here,” I immediately thought we were all going to be in an oven and burn. I ran out of the meeting and ran around the main street. I decided to run to the metro, and get as far away from the city as possible. I hopped on a school bus with some kids I met at the metro stop, smoked weed with them, and ended up in another state. I left the kids at a diner we had stopped at, and called my sister who lived nearby to pick me up. I was extremely paranoid at this point, and I thought that people at the diner were going to try to kill me. When I got to my sister’s apartment, I thought that at midnight we were all going to turn into uncontrollable animals and that I would try to hurt my sister. I could not sleep because I also thought that the friend from the concert was trying to cut off my limbs in a parallel world that I would wake up to if I fell asleep. I stayed up all night, and in the morning when they tried to take me to the hospital, I started running around naked, and took a dump on my sister’s bathroom floor as a symbol of protest. Eventually an ambulance was called, and I was brought to the hospital, where no drugs were found in my system. I was brought back to my home state, and entered into a psych ward where I was put on Risperidol, but was changed to Abilify after my prolactin levels went up. I was still having delusional thoughts and was hearing messages through the tv and the radio even after I was released from the hospital. I was brought back to the psych ward because I was having incredibly excruciating migraines and threatened to kill myself. I was then put on Fanapt, and finally stopped having delusional thoughts around mid-October. Because I was upset about no longer being able to return to the school I was at and feeling as though I had lost my social skills, I was put on Lexapro in January to deal with my depression. The Lexapro seems to be working and I am no longer having suicidal thoughts. I will begin to be weaned off the Fanapt around the end of May, and I am applying to schools in my home state to return to in the fall. I know that I want to smoke weed again, but my psychiatrist says there is a chance I would go back into my psychotic state. I don’t feel delusional now, which I had been even the few months prior to the actual break, so I’m not sure if that would be the result. Anyway, I wrote this all just to introduce myself to the forum, and maybe hear from people who have had similar experiences. I’d also like to know if anyone had a psychotic break and continued to smoke pot after no longer having psychotic symptoms and what happened to them. Thanks for reading! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tl;dr: a couple of acid trips along with smoking a lot of pot led me to experience drug induced psychosis, so I ran away from college and am now back in my home state. I am recovering while taking fanapt, lexapro, and figuring out which school to go to while debating if I can ever smoke pot again.
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