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About creativelycrazy

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  • Location
    NYC Area
  • Interests
    art, technology, photography, reading random blogs
  1. I've always struggled with my weight but when I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar 1 in 2006 and started ramping up on the meds my weight skyrocketed. I went through several cocktails so I could never pinpoint exactly which one was the culprit. I also had many other side affects---that "under water" feeling, memory loss, etc. Plus I just straight up felt dumber. My latest Pdoc in my new town put me on Depakote which I didn't know at the time seems to be one of the worst offenders for weight gain. The hard part is that I love everything else about it. My brain finally works the way it should, b
  2. Mixed episodes are the worst things that have ever happened to me by far. To me, the suffering of a mixed state is exponentially worse than having one or the other. In it's simplest explanation I am depressed enough to think up some really dark and twisted shit but have enough energy to actually do something about it. Danger. Luckily I haven't had one in a long time. I am on Depakote now which I guess is specifically good for rapid cyclers/mixed staters. I feel the best mentally that I've ever felt but I am as big as a house. The Depakote is not the only reason but it is gasoline on the fire.
  3. That is the exact same model I just purchased from Amazon but have not taken it out of the box yet. Putting that warning in the product description on the website would have been nice. My last therapist strongly recommended one last year when the time changed (I have a strong reaction to the time change) but I never did anything about it. I guess I will give it a try in small doses and see what happens.
  4. I already have weight issues and started on this drug 2 months ago. It stopped my rapid cycling immediately but I will have to keep an eye on the weight. Other than that concern I am happy with it.
  5. I think about this a lot. I'm not currently dating due to shame about my weight issues but there's a concept I have always struggled with which is: if you meet someone new and you start dating, when do you tell them about your MI? I feel like if you tell them when you first meet they are very likely to bolt, but if you wait until you know them better and feel like it's going to "go somewhere", they will get upset about being lied to or kept in the dark about who you really are and feel betrayed in some way (regardless of whether they stay in the relationship or not) How have some of yo
  6. I found the combo of Lamictal and Abilify helpful for reducing my panic attacks in the past, but I'm sure it's different for everyone.
  7. fyi I have almost this same thread going in the bipolar forum if anyone wants to follow. http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/63450-death-fantasy-vs-actually-being-suicidal/
  8. I've never been IP, I think mostly because during that time I was at my lowest I was living alone in the big city and had just lost a job so was living off of severance. I neary killed myself (and my dogs) while in a mixed state and also going cold turkey from Zoloft (I know, stupid). At the last moment I had this glimpse of clarity that stopped me. I was sort of able to step outside myself and observe the situation and rule it out as irrational and likely brought on by the withdrawal. So in that case it was a good thing. On the other hand, most people label me as highly functioning, artic
  9. I have 2 types of depression (well, 3 if mixed state bipolar episodes count). One type I think is mixed with some anxiety and it's the spontaneous inappropriate burst into tears thing. Like a lot, daily, for dumb reasons. (Doesn't go over well at work) I haven't done that in a long time. My other "type" of depression is very different. It's very numb and low energy and all I want to do is lay there and do/feel nothing. I almost never cry when I'm in this state. When I'm medicated I also almost never cry. It has become a bit of a joke with my friends. We'll all go to a really sad movie and the
  10. It feels better finally saying it out loud. I guess I was always afraid if I started talking about it people would start dialing 911 on me. I fessed up to my new therapist last night and she didn't seem awfully alarmed or surprised and we discussed it very calmly. I'm also ramping up on Depakote to stop my rapid cycling. It stopped me alright---right into a bitch of a depression. Had bloodwork drawn this past weekend and 2nd new pdoc apt. this coming weekend. (Yes, Sat hours, how awesome is that?) Hopefully she can do some adjusting.
  11. Here's the really sick part. I'm not sure I'm all that disturbed by it. It's almost comforting, like an emergency rip cord that I will probably never use but I know it's there.
  12. Picking your own med cocktail seems like a terrible idea to me, especially a price-driven one. I know meds are expensive but I would recommend talking to your pdoc or going to the websites of your med manufacturers and seeing if they have any affordability programs. I know nothing about this but have heard in some ads phrases like "if you can't afford your meds contact us and maybe we can help" It's worth a shot.
  13. So, yes there have been a few, but not many, times in my life I have been actively suicidal. The rest of the time it's like I have what I refer to as a "death fantasy". It's not like I have a plan (time, date, method) or believe I will actually do it, but I'd say the majority of the time it's like I would prefer it if I were no longer living. Even when majorly medicated and sometimes when manic (maybe not the early fun part where I'm too busy taking over the world to end my life). It's just like a sucky fact of life, living when you don't really feel like it but have the willpower keep doing i
  14. Any time I've ever started a conversation with the sentence "I just had an epiphany". Unfortunately it rarely ends well and is usually very expensive. Although I do find it quite handy for redecorating. Never the cleaning though, sadly. EDIT: and somehow I always end up dying my hair red.
  15. I've actually been drafting a blog post for another site about the entire concept of apathy. All it has done so far however is raised a ton of questions. For awhile I was thankful for the apathy b/c at least I wasn't suicidal or charging international vacations on my credit cards. Then I began to miss the emotion, like a life of flat was not really a life. Now I'm digging a lot deeper philosophically and am asking myself if I'm actually using my apathy as a defense mechanism. Do I hide behind the nothing so that the something can't hurt me? For example, not falling in love for fear of getting
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