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runnergirlruns

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  1. I do too. I am in therapy and we have started to sort this out, so that's good. I guess I should have been clearer in my OP, but while people telling me I shouldnt feel guilty is nice, like you pointed out thats unlikely to change anything...I was more wondering if anyone ever felt similar, I feel kinda like a weird-o for feeling this way and was hoping I could find out if I was alone in my feelings or not.
  2. Thanks, I'm working on those thoughts and beliefs, and they're hard to change but hopefully one day they will. It's good to be reminded of the triangle
  3. I know I should feel lucky and grateful, now thats another thing to feel guilty about--I don't appreciate my good fortune. I was severely depressed with severe psychomotor retardation at times and actively suicidal for years, attempted seriously more than once, have significant PTSD from multiple traumas in my life, I am well aware of how deeply one can struggle with depression and trauma. I do have feelings of gratefulness, I do think that the meds have likely saved my life and I know other's struggle to find meds that even remotely work for them... but I also have those feelings I posted above, it's much more complicated than just lifting depression a bit and then feeling lucky and happy and rainbows because I'm a little less depressed and other's aren't so lucky. One can have both feelings, a complicated mix of feelings at the same time. I think thats why my above posted feelings feel so mucky and bothersome to me, and it dosen't change that feeling "better" feels abnormal and uncomfortable to me since I'm coming out of a severely depressed few years and that was my normal for so long. And it dosen't change that I feel like I don't deserve to feel better than the depressed-suicidal-crying-ball-on-the-sofa-too-depressed-to-move-unless-it-was-to-kill-myself ball of misery I was.
  4. I bumped up to 2mg, but the 1mg def seemed to ease the nightmares, and on 2mg they're 9 times out of 10 completely gone. Almost everyone I have heard of taking it says it helps!
  5. I feel like this all the time, it's honestly one of the worst lingering effects of the trauma (flashbacks aside)! I'm an academic and was (am?) very smart and articulate, but since my most recent trauma I can't remember what I said to who when, can't remember appointment's, or often what the present day is (even when people tell me sometimes I don't believe them at first). I suck at time, last year, yesterday? it all feels the same. I've tried explaining this to my T and Pdoc, but they both always seem puzzled by it, like it's not a common symptom of depression/PTSD....so I'm so glad to know I'm not alone! My smart phone has been a life saver (from apt and med reminders to a notes app). I keep trying to be easy on myself for being so "flighty" and dissociative but I feel like the pstd, espcially this part, has robbed me of a core part of who I once was (on top of things, ect).
  6. I've been on Wellbutrin for a month (just started 450mg) and I feel like it's taken the edge of my depression (if it was a 10 when I was suicidal and hospitalized and an 8/9 when in PHP, it's a 6.5 now; where 10 is the worst ever; pdoc is hoping we get it to a 4/5 with the 450mgs) and I've actually had a few days here or there where I've felt "like me" which after 2 years of MDD (and 1yr where it was very severe) feels weird. I feel guilty for feeling "better," (I still have a persistent belief that I am a horrible person who deserves to suffer)... and it feels weird and foreign to feel better....I like it but I don't. And then I feel guilty/bad for feeling guilty (oh how I love me my vicious cycles). But this guilt and "weird" feeling is kind of bothersome, I guess it is just because I have been so very depressed for so very long that feeling like "me" is foreign. Anyone else have this kind of "I feel better, but better is weird, and I feel guilty for it, and I like feeling better but I also don't" feeling? I also struggle with feeling like I've "cheated" by taking meds and that the "better" I feel on meds isn't real, its just med induced. I know meds are helpful (they're helping me!) but I still struggle with this feeling. :/
  7. So I've been on Bupropion XL for a month (150 for 4 days, then 300, and now 450). Overall I haven't noticed any negative side effects other than some days I feel more energetic than "typical" but that could also be the drug working since my "typical" was majorly depressed. But then other days I feel sooooo exhausted, like unbearably exhausted. Not depressed tired, just utterly physically drained. Then I kinda noticed my pants being a bit tighter, then I got on the scale 8.5lbs! I swear I haven't changed my eating habits or really anything to account for 8.5 pounds (last time I weighed myself was prob in May so who knows when it came on, but the clothes tightness was this past month). The exhaustion the past week has caused me to work out a bit less (but I still work out almost everyday and talk long walks with my partner). I know Wellbutrin is supposed to not effect your weight, or even contribute to weight loss, but is it even possible for it to cause weight gain? Also anyone experience extreme exhaustion while taking it? (the exhaustion has gotten worse over the past month). I also take 2mg of Prazosin at bedtime for the past 2 months (could that be it)? My pdoc was very puzzled by the exhaustion (I wasn't sure about the weight thing when I saw her)... Thanks guys and gals!
  8. I'm not doing well. I'm super depressed and the only thing that has helped is when I can restrict, but I've been alternating between restricting and eating more normal wich is making me feel fat and gross and really making me want to kill myself (I was very suicidal 4 weeks ago and made an attempt) . I only want to lose weight and my mind is consmbed by these thoughts and I hate it.....I have constant thoughts like "your stupid, fat, ugly, worthless, fat cow, kill yourself" constantly screaming in my head and I can barely think about anything else, I'm hyper aware of my body and it feels slimy and dirty (eg fat) all the time. I just want to make it stop, but I don't know how. I'm tired of these thoughts! My tdoc knows about these thoughts and my behaviors but she dosen't seem too concerned (probably because I'm still a normal weight, though I've lost between 10-15 pounds recently). I've recovered in the past but for the past 4-5 months I'm be relapsing and it keeps getting worse and worse, my ED voice is starting to be more and more confused with "me" and I can't really tell them apart most of the time anymore. I'm tired of feeling this way but I also am tired of fighting the disorder. I just want to give up more of the time and I feel so helpless and hopeless.
  9. I am actually quitting my residential job (it was with mostly EDs) in part because of how"triggering" it could be. It became so stressful and unhealthy. I know it's not that easy most of the time and feel lucky to be able to do that. I'm also in the place of not really being able to go to meeting because I am a mental health profesional and run the risk of running to clients or employers in groups. It sucks and there's no easy answer. Maybe if you're really needing it drive to a neighboring town? Also a tdoc may do a sliding scale for you if you ask....maybe
  10. I’m so tired of it. I’m scared all the time, I cry all the time, I’m a wreck inside all the time. But on the outside I am a fine, functional human being, an exceptional doctoral student…a therapist. I’m not currently seeing clients, I was mercifully able to take a break in February but I will starting July 1. I go to class and I want to tell people, I’m not okay. At my evaluation last week (we have one 2xs a year) I wanted to tell my advisor I’m not ok and that I want to take an extra year, that I need a break. I was in tears with my therapist before and I am barely functional inside, but a soon as I step into my department’s building a mask goes up of a positive, perky, healthy, high preforming person (most of the time sometimes it slipps) and I cannot take it down voluntarily, it only breaks occasionally and never to the point where I can’t recover “face.” I desperately want to stop, it’s like another person takes over and I just can’t do it anymore, I am a horrible mess underneath I have flashbacks, I have panic attacks, I have PTSD, I am severely depressed, in my mind I am curled into a ball in the corner rocking back an forth crying, but outside I am the picture of health and balance. I can’t stand it anymore. My friend looks at me like I'm crazy when I say I've had one of the worst years of my life she said "but you got married, you got a placement, you've got nothing to be sad about"(she's a therapist too, one of the worst I have ever met BTW for many reasons)....and that's true I've had "good things" happen but that just seems to make me feel even worse for feeling horrible, because I have no "current" reason, my trauma was prolonged but in the past. I'm still living that terror every day, I feel horrible inside but outside I look great. I just want to collapse but I can't. It's so tiring. I don't really need or want response, I just wanted to put this rambling out there
  11. scream- Thanks for replying and caring. I like my tdoc, but I think it's not "working" because my emotions are demanding more space than 1hr once or twice a week (meaning I need higher level of care.) I also have attachment issues and probably want more from her than I can realistically demand No_name: "What is it really like in a mental hospital?" I have worked in a short term acute psych hospital (a place where you'd likely go if you were deemed "unstable" by Emergency Services at an ER) and at a longer term residential "rehab" facility. The actual psych hosp I worked at was not very good (now there are some that are pretty good if you look for them) and that large nation-wide company is now under investigation by the government. But in general acute hospitals are for med stabilization and to keep you from killing yourself or others (for at least a week or two) and for long term change you'd need long term treatment in the form of PHP or IOP or OP, etc. The residential facility I worked at had an average stay of 30-90 days and while it had it's problems, was much more a place of healing. Do your research and choose a good program before you get involuntarily admitted to wherever has a bed, which may or may not be at a "good" hosp. If you do your research and chose the right place and the right level of care, you'll likely get good help. May I ask, how do all therapists forget and deal with the pain of patients they see everyday in their daily jobs? And how do they not let their patient's pain affect their own lives? Usually it's by "self care" and a natural capacity to tolerate other's emotions and then leave them at the office (and making sure to engage in activities that refresh them and having good support systems). I can almost promise you your tdoc is not burdened by your stories and has ways he/she takes care of themselves so they can care for you. Basically what Woo said I am currently not seeing clients as I am emotionally full taking care of myself...and in a way that is how I care for my would be clients, by not having any right now.
  12. I totally get this. I used to be very underweight and got a lot more attention then, but my behaviors haven't changed too much and my weight is now in the "normal range" some of that is due to my body adapting to the ED behaviors some of has been an effort to recover. I lost a lot of weight in a couple of moths but because it was still "normal" no one really cared, not even really my t-doc. It like as long as your BMI is above 18.6 and it's not interfering with your ADLs (which if you're really slipping back into the ED the it's typically ego syntonic, and so you're not too bothered by it). Being at a normal weight with an ED, in my experience, means people don't take your suffering seriously, which is BS and negligent on the docs part. 'you're not alone, and you're still suffering and you still have an ED and can still suffer psychical health problems from it. -m
  13. I agree. Just a bit ago I ate some pizza and then purged it. I didn't plan to, I didn't think "Oh I'm gona get a slice of pizza and purge it" but about half way through eating it I though "damn, now I have to purge this." I didn't use other skills I finished the thing and then purged it. And I felt so stupid. but on to the next meal and next opportunity to do it differently.
  14. Geo- I have really only tried SSRIs and I get serotonine syndrom & akathisia at almost every dose and I've tried 7 or so different SSRI's (and i've never had any manic or hypo manic episodes, so for sure no bi-polar) a few years ago I tried Tri-cyclics and even an MAOI s, but those are rarely used for a reason, the side-effects sucked and they barely touched my depression so even my pdoc back then didn't think they were worth it. There's some meds I can't take that people are often given that I can't take due to the ED. I guess I could try an NRI, but I've kind of given up hope on meds and it's generally frowned upon in Buddhist circles, so the fact that I consider it is kind of "gasp". Thanks so much
  15. my cat just fell off the counter because he was casing a fly. made me smile :)

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