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  1. Oh I apologize... I forgot to explain that my depression is treatment resistant, and also doesn't come in episodes, I've had it for 15 years. I think my sig still says what I've tried so far, but at this point, I have to work WITH my depression, not against it. I'm kind of amazed that even on this board someone would say stuff like that... I understand you didn't mean anything or anything, but it's just funny how people just assume that you can treat depression. It's been so long since I thought that way that I just forgot. So I understand it's not a lecture... I'd love to take that advice if I could. I guess I need to find a place for people like me who don't have any treatment options, becaues we have to approach depression in a different way.
  2. Hi all... well I have pretty severe depression and ADHD (which I think more and more is at the root of the depression), and now it looks like I'll be probably getting a divorce. I have two young kids, 9 and 6, and both of us would prefer joint custody at this point. TBH, I'm scared to death. I tried posting about this on a divorce forum and got destroyed because they don't understand depression at all. But I'm really only semi-functional.... what the hell do I do now? Moving in with my parents isn't an option, so I'll be on my own. I'm just terrified. Even though I'm the one who manages the finances and all that stuff, so it's not like I don't know what to do, I just have no confidence in my ability to manage my life... I mean right now I can't even stay on top of laundry! We split household chores mostly, and it's not like dividing hoses divides the responsibilities... I"ll pretty much have twice as many things to stay on top of. Not to mention that I've struggled with careers, and always relied on two incomes, of which his was far greater. When the pandemic hit I switched from my toxic job to a freelance home business, but it's finally getting off the ground right now... I have no idea what even defines being financially stable at this point or with this kind of job. I'm trying so hard to imagine being a strong, independent mom who can manage all this stuff, but what if I just can't?? I'm probably just scared, but it's so hard to rely on myself when I've struggled so hard for so long. I'm just afraid everything is gonna fall apart... I want to keep it together so badly for my kids, but I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. Is there even help for this kind of thing? I mean I don't think I'll need to be hospitalized or anything, but even with a partner, I'm nearly drowning trying to take care of everything that needs taking care of... are there like people you could hire or something? I have no idea what it looks like I guess. I mean I suppose there's housekeepers, laundry services, paying the neighbor's kid to mow the lawn, etc., but considering I've never been able to afford those things on two incomes, I doubt I'll be able to do much with one. Or for example, older people who are still mostly independent but need help managing the household or something, are there people that do that? Forgive my ignorance, I feel so silly asking these questions. I'm probably looking for a safety net that's not there... but I feel like it's sink or swim now, so I'm gonna look everywhere I can for help. I'm probably being ridiculous, I feel like I'm acting entitled, honestly... like I'm giving up and expecting other people to rescue me or something; I will do whatever I have to do and whatever I CAN do for my family... I'm just so scared that I won't be able to. I don't know how much of a mess you can be and still keep your kids, and I don't want them raised in a mess, either... I feel so powerless right now. Thanks for reading if you got this far... I'm just clueless and scared right now. But if anyone has thoughts, or even general tips/advice for divorce or starting over, feel free to share! TIA
  3. Yeah, I did 30 sessions of TMS maybe 4-5 years ago? It's easy enough, mildly annoying, like a woodpecker pecking at your head, but I would just watch Netflix and it wasn't too bad. Sadly, zero benefit though. But I'm an extremely tough case.
  4. 15 years of treatment resistant depression, so not looking for anything that "works." I've given up on that. I'm so tired of the pain and the crying. It hurts so much... I can't stand my kids just watching me sobbing all day every day. I don't know the right way to ask without sounding like I'm asking for medical advice; so maybe I can ask if anyone has taken any medications before that reduced the emotion? Basically I'd just rather be a zombie. Nothing is going to make me enjoy life again, but if I could just care less, maybe it wouldn't be so painful. I suppose it's impossible, but anything that didn't increase fatigue would be nice as I can barely get off the couch as it is, even with a max dose of Adderall. Anything to numb this pain, it's too much...
  5. I use online therapy. I did Talkspace for about 9 months or so, and I just started with a new therapist on Better Help. I've also had MANY in-person therapists and never got anywhere. But online therapy is actually better for me. I liked my therapist okay on Talkspace, and she was intuitive and understanding, although I can't say I made a ton of progress or anything. I don't even know what kind of progress CAN be made with someone as bad as me, but I'm giving it a shot. My new therapist is (I think) exactly the kind of person I've wanted to connect with; she's really no nonsense, tells it like it is with no sugar coating, which is great for me as I like to cut through all the bullshit. We're doing DBT, which years ago I would have scorned; I HATED CBT and DBT seemed like it was going to be similar, but since that time I've gotten over my annoyance with the McMindfulness trends and gotten back into meditation. I'd forgotten how much eastern influence DBT has, so I thought it was worth giving it a shot.
  6. I haven’t heard good things and it sounds like a huge PITA, I think you have to have it administered in the docs office and have someone drive you home?? Like every dose? Its not racemic, a mix of the two enantiomers that make up ketamine, it’s only the left-handed “S” molecule, which has been shown to be less effective for depression than the right handed “R” molecule. I tried a compounded ketamine nasal spray... almost compounding pharmacies can make this and I don’t remember it being expensive, the only trick is finding a doc to prescribe it. Anyway it did nothing for me.
  7. I don’t think one has to have experienced it to necessarily believe that’s you’re suffering, but to really understand it I think you at least had to have someone close to you go through it. My mom and my husband do a pretty good job... they clearly understand I’m in a lot of pain, but truly understanding how it works is always evolving. My mom has trouble “getting” that I tend to withdraw completely when I’m really bad, but she often thinks it’s just her, or she thinks when I’m really bad that I should somehow be MORE open and communicative. She doesn’t get that I don’t want to talk about it. That can be a pain, but it’s my boss that I can’t stand. She flat out doesn’t believe in mental illness. I started crying at work one day and she was ostensibly sympathetic, but her response was, “I used to get sad about things too, but I didn’t like it so I just don’t think about those things anymore.” Just laugh instead, she said. Now that IS funny. The next time I broke down at work (it’s only happened twice as I mask fairly well) she basically laughed at me for being a crybaby. When I told my pdoc, he said “She’s unpredictable. You know how they make lab rats depressed for studies? You take away predictability.” He pretty much told me to run, not walk away.
  8. This may be more applicable to those who have been depressed for years, but I’m just curious how many feel like they’ve accepted the fact that they’re depressed and does it help? my depression is weird. It’s certainly atypical (which I didn’t realize is an official diagnosis until a few years ago), meaning I can experience joy if something good happens more or less, but my basic default state is pretty miserable. Still, I have lots of ups and downs, so I have days where I feel almost normal (NOT any kind of mania with the ups, just normal). And I wonder if that’s why I think I struggle to reallyaccept that after 12 years I still just feel like shit for no reason... because those good/normal times are like a tease, but they always fade. It feels sometimes like I can shake it off or outrun it... like happiness or a cure is almost within reach if I could just try a little harder. I’m constantly trying to find any little thing that might help. I feel like if I could really accept this depression, maybe I could stop trying to outrun it. I’m not even quite sure what that looks like, but I’m so tired of the constant battle in my head, it feels like denial. Has anyone experienced this kind of thing?
  9. Interesting about NAC, I have some because I heard it was good for skin picking, but I haven’t tried it... buuut, sounds like it’s anither 6-8 week to kick in thing? Ugh, just not sure I can handle that anymore. I took a large dose (900 mg) of Gabapentin and I felt great for a few hours, but it wore off. I really got my hopes up. I tried 600 today and felt okay again for a few hours, not as good as last time but a bit better. It seems like it has potential, so maybe Lyrica is worth a shot.
  10. Hi all... I’ve been posting my depression journey on this forum; I recently got back my spinal fluid results and while they did find some things that were off (in fact my doc does think these things are causing my depression), they haven’t done enough research to understand the results or suggest treatment. So my pdoc is basically guessing at this point. I was off the charts for inosine, a breakdown product if ATP. There’s very little research but it’s been suggested that it’s a bio marker for people with chronic pain... so my doc suggested taking a pain med to help correct the imbalance, hoping it’ll help my depression. So my pdoc decided to try Gabapentin, which strangely enough I haven’t tried before. I’m titrating up right now, but just curious if anyone has gotten any relief from anxiety and/or depression on Gabapentin? And has anyone also tried Lyrica? Curious how they compare.
  11. Important update... I emailed my pdoc about taking folinic acid preemptively (which is difficult to do in high doses given OTC doses), and he responded with “High dose folinic acid makes non-CFD people worse. Hunter 1970 Lacet.” So in case anybody comes across this post and wants to try it, probably want to find a way to get tested.
  12. Interesting developments regarding my situation. TL;DR- Some results are back, CFD is inconclusive, I have “dozens” of other CNS metabolite abnormalities that they’re looking into; one includes a vitamin C deficiency so pdoc advised trying high dose vit C; discovered that OTC folinic acid is 1/100th the strength I would need so I can’t just try it. And in other news, I have Asperger’s Syndrome(!) and it may even be related to all of this. So... this is bizarre but I very recently discovered I have Asperger’s Syndrome (aka Autism Spectrum Disorder). Wow. What a revelation. It’s unbelievably coincidental that I just happened to research it... and now I’ve discovered that CFD (cerebral folate deficiency) is associated with ASD and according to some studies, the treatment (folinic acid) greatly improves symptoms, of which depression is one. In fact if you google folinic acid, you’ll see a lot of articles linking it to autism, so it seems it’s all related. Meanwhile, I got some results back... and they’re somewhat inconclusive. I’m a bit fuzzy on the details (had a brief phone conversation with my pdoc), but they’re not sure if I have CFD. However, I DO have some kind of vitamin C deficiency in the brain/CNS; I believe my pdoc said I had low oxalate, which is a breakdown product of ascorbic acid (vit C). Significantly low (2.5 standard deviations lower than normal). This is all pretty new research, so he didn’t even know what dose to tell me, but he said if I wanted to, I could try taking a “high” dose of vitamin C to see if it helps. It’s hard to find any info on levels of metabolites in the CNS, but some research I did DOES support taking vitamin Cfor depression... I’ll have to find the studies and link them when I can. Interestingly, there’s quite a bit of evidence suggesting oxidative stress may also be implicated in ASD, and of course vitamin C is a great antioxidant; it’s been suggested as a therapy for autism as well. So I’m gonna try taking 1000 mg/day of plain old ascorbic acid and see what happens! Not sure what I’ll do if after 12 years my depression goes away by taking freakin vitamin C. Despite the inconclusive CFD results, I WOULD simply try taking folinic acid, as I’d be pretty surprised if I don’t have some kind of folate issue. It’s available OTC, buuuut.... it’s generally available in 800 mcg doses... treatment for both autism and depression uses 1 mg/kg, which for me translates to ~70 mg, almost 100x the available dose. It’s available by prescription in 5-25mg doses, but of course that’s off label, sooooo who knows about getting that covered. So as fascinating as this all is, if it pans out, it’s probably a somewhat rare condition; so this may or may not be helpful to anybody but the very treatment resistant. But it does seem like CNS metabolism is an “untapped” area (literally) that deserves more attention. In rereading the original study I linked, it stood out to me that 64% of participants with TRD had CNS metabolic abnormalities while NONE of the healthy controls had any. There have been other metabolites linked to TRD besides folate, so I think if you’ve tried everything and nothing works, finding a way to get this test would be worthwhile.
  13. I’m not 100% sure at this point; that’s just one issue, the other is just disclosing my disability so that I’m covered in the event of disciplinary action, etc.; if you get fired for example, you can’t use ADA after the fact I’m pretty sure... you had to have disclosed ahead of time for protection. As far as accommodations... possibly more frequent breaks; more flexibility with time off or even (if I could afford it) reduced hours. But that was one thing I was curious about: what things others have requested. My workplace is already pretty flexible and easygoing, but it’s a situation where the rules themselves are flexible (the handbook officially says headphones are not allowed, for example, but the actual policy seems to be that its perfectly fine to listen with one earbud in as this is what everyone does openly). That kind of thing makes me nervous because it seems like they could decide to enforce the rule at any time if they wanted to. Same things goes for breaks... the nature of the job involves a lot of downtime, and I think most people take more than their allotted break time. I could just be paranoid and they’ll never crack down. But partially because of my depression I probably don’t have the best work ethic, and I’ve been in similar situations before that didn’t end well. I don’t want to be seen as lazy or a bad worker. I’m not sure if disclosing a disability would help in that aspect or if it would even create more suspicion/stigma; but at least from a legal standpoint I’d be covered.
  14. Has anybody taken advantage of their rights under the ADA at work? I’m reasonably sure that depression can qualify, depending on the situation... just curious if anyone has requested accommodations, what they were and how that went? I’m debating disclosing that I have a disability (I think you can do that without disclosing what it is) if for no other reason than to cover my ass. I’m not always st my best, to say the least, and I’m terrified some dumb mistake could get me in trouble, and if that happens I need to have disclosed ahead of time.
  15. Well after waiting 5 weeks for results(instead of the two I was promised) I got my results... negative for cerebral folate deficiency sigh.... sucks. However, all hope is not lost... they tested my spinal fluid for I think 1000+ metabolites, and I have over a dozen abnormalities. Unfortunately, I have no idea if even the researchers know much beyond that... my pdoc says it’ll take him at least the weekend to parse through all the data from this test. He’s also apparently sending out my sample to another research institution to look into things further. But hopefully I’ll have more “leads” in a week or so after he goes over the data. While it really sucks that I don’t have CFD (that would have been an easy solution), I’m still grateful that somebody is actually trying to get to the bottom of it. I still don’t know how I got so lucky to find this doc but this is how medicine should be practiced; not like all the others who flipped through their flowcharts of medications and gave up or passed me on when they were exhausted.
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