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Everything posted by Pearly

  1. my colleague sent that for me. i'm clearly not in my right mind. And I am going to and will fight this but I do want sex with this guy. I mean for gods sake I am 30 years old and virgin and he knows this very well. i told him
  2. why am i finding this so hard to see
  3. My colleague wrote the last bit.
  4. I am really finding this hard to deal with. I don't know if its mania. I have been prescribed tegretol last week but haven't been able to get on it because the doctor hasn't read my reports from the consultant. Basically I got onto a dating app like Tinder. I thought people on there were serious well at least some of them. So I went to meet the guy. He seemed genuine. After the date he messaged me to ask if I got home ok. We messaged back and forth for a few days and then I felt doubts about him. Coz he said he worked and said he was late for work one day and an hour later hes sending me pics of where he is. I questioned whether he was who he says he was. He said I was right to raise my doubts. He only wanted sex. Without much thought I kinda didn't say no. I am 30 and never had sex. So I kept messaging him. Until I felt really unsafe. I went to ER or Accidents and Emergency and they said stay away from dating sites. I have not been able to do that. I am so annoyed at myself. I am STILL talking to this guy despite deleting him and changing my number i found a way to contact him again. And now he's talking dirty to me. He knows I'm bipolar and I told him i need to be stable to make that decision but he's still talking dirty. ARGH and I feel like i'm going to sleep with this guy i have met only once. I am fighting with my mind with all my might but I am making plans to sleep with him two weeks later.
  5. I'll try anything to make me feel normal again. So that I don't end up doing anything stupid
  6. So after being fed up with the NHS I finally went private. A clinic in harley street. I paid £400 for the first consultation he spent over an hour talking to me. And never rushed it. The NHS drs saw me for 15 minutes each time, told me I had sz or sza and sent me on my way. I was on 5mg Abilify for most of the six years. That was the first and only psychosis I had six years ago. Today I asked he said I didn't present with schizophrenic symptoms but definately a mood thing going on more rapid cycling kind. So I got tegrotol. You will not believe how relieved I am to finally get the treatment i need.
  7. Finally a med change. I went to see a private consultant. Cost me £400 wow! He thinks I have some form of rapid cycling mood changes. He said schizophrenia does not seem plausable at this stage that he has seen me. I have been on 5mg Abilify for years (6) and finally this is a med that I was hoping for.
  8. I've been talking it since 2010. I told him I'm not in a right place right now. I texted him this morning. Said I'm bipolar and need to be in a right state of mind before I even consider sex with him. I told him to not reply until he thinks this through. Two mins later he said that's fine. Does that mean he's up for it when I'm ready?
  9. i totally appreciate that. and i don't care about him i only met him once but wtf is happening to me why am i pestering him for sex.... i don't know * sigh* hopefully i am seeing someone about this privately and they should help me though this shit. i am also on 5mg Abilfiy and 0.5mg Clonazapam it does not feel enough.
  10. I know. I went to A&E on Thursday because I thought I was going to do something really stupid. They told me to stop contacting males off the internet or via phone. I tried but I've ended up back to square one i contacted him this morning. I hate myself. i told him i have bipolar and need time to think and if he needs to think about it before he replies if he wants to as well. He replies within 2 mins says thats fine.
  11. I do not know how I ended up meeting him at all. I do not meet people off the internet that is not me period. But I am seriously considering this. Why? I have no idea. I told him wait until I am stable.
  12. Basically I was looking for a serious relationship. I met up with a guy on a dating app. I never met someone of an app like that before. I am a very liberal thinking girl who lives a very traditional lifestyle. Long story short 3 days later he tells me he never wanted a relationship. He was looking for a fling. So I kinda agreed to it. But a lot is holding me back. I've told him I'm a virgin and it didn't seem to bother him but is this really the case? This is a big step for me. This is the first time I am out there doing something that my family will never approve of. This is the first time I will be keeping something from them. I want to do this. But I am so scared out of my mind. Furthermore, I am bipolar and am not in the right frame of mind right now to be making such decisions. I told him I will let him know when I am ready. He knows I have bipolar so I need to be sure. I also told him no personal questions. And we may never meet up after that. I guess I just want to experience this. Is that so bad? He seems to be a very confident kinda guy and he said he'd make me comfortable. I only met him on Sunday so I do need time to think this through.
  13. @jt07 i know this but like i say it was 5mg i've been on for a very long time it never helped me and they refused to increase due to there being no psychosis.
  14. For six very long years I was told I had schiz and then schizoaffective, but now I'm told I don't present with schizophrenia. I mean I have not had a psychosis in six years but wow this feels like I've been living a lie. I've been told its a mood disorder but they won't tell me what. Like I asked is it depression he said no it would be more consistent for at least two weeks if it was depression. My mood fluctuates a lot. The day before I went to see the pdoc I was about to have a nervous breakdown , next day I was fine. I definately accept the psychosis that I had and had some insight into it but i feel really let down because I have been on 5mg Abilify for six years. SIX YEARS. I feel I needed other medication but my diagnosis prevented me.
  15. They said I looked very anxious but it's hard for me to tell.
  16. I don't know about any of you. I am not even sure if this is the mania or the psychosis talking (I have schizoaffective although no psychosis for six years unless i suddenly developed again), but everytime I become symptomatic I will create a Facebook account. I don't even understand why. I think just need to feel like I have friends. Then I constantly check, check, check even if i posted nothing. I don't know wth is wrong. I have probablly created around 100 accounts or more in the span of 6 years because everytime the symptoms subside i feel no need for the account. I feel like a crazy person.
  17. Thank you. Just trying to figure out if the paranoia was from the schizophrenia or slight manic and depressive issues I was having. I guess that is not important though as long as the treatment is working.
  18. My sleep is not the best. I wake up during early hours and even though I fall back asleep it's difficult. Paranoia includes thinking people are talking about me laughing behind my back.
  19. 3 weeks ago my dad got diagnosed with a tumour in his brain. Tests say it is malignant (cancer) he is going to have radiotherapy and chemo to reduce it in a few weeks. Since then I did not cope very well. First few days I was extremely negative, started crying, and it was all too difficult to absorb. But now 3 weeks later, I am having episodes of paranoia. My colleagues are all laughing at me. And I heard them when I turned round. I confronted them via messaging. I guess it was not directed at me but I am getting super paranoid. I have not had one of those in six years. With this comes signs of what seem to be slight mania, pacing, unable to sit still, heart beat seems faster, more anxiety, weight loss, difficulty paying attention, getting less work done than normal and personality changes. Everytime I feel good I create facebook accounts add people and completely humiliate myself by cracking jokes (weird) and try to make friends then I delete the accounts. Then the cycle starts again. I don't know if its mania but i do have a schizoaffective diagnosis however no psychosis since the first ep six years ago.
  20. I have sza, bp type. i struggle with relationships. I am not sure if I want one or i want one because its expected of me. I've approacched 30 years and never had a relationship. i don't know why. i was on a dating site and got a request from someone. I found out he was a psychologist so i told him everything before i even met him. i've been talking to him some but i am not sure i want to meet him. this happens to me everytime. it's difficult for me to get myself to the first date let allone get past that fiirst date.
  21. I am 30 years old, female, Indian. I have never had a relationship. About 5.5 years ago I got diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I thought well no one will accept me with this so might as well give up dating altogether. I got re-diagnosed as schizoaffective, bipolar. About a year ago I thought I'd try dating. So I've met two guys. But just never clicked well enough to go further than the first date. But recently I have been feeling like I need to give up on it again. Who the hell would accept me with schizophrenia AND bipolar. I was talking to this guy via messaging and I got cold feet and told him i was not ready. But then I messaged him back explaining I had scchizoaffecctive. He didn't respond. The stigma is too big in the Indian community even the psychiatrist told me not to mention it straight away. I have always been single so i dont know any different. But I wwould have liked some companianship. My confidence is super low and I am really starting to feel depressed about the whole thing.
  22. I didn't say he was. I've sent him the message so let's see
  23. Because I blew that opportunity when I told him I was going through issues and I wasn't ready.
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