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Everything posted by Pearly

  1. Basically, I went on Holiday on Saturday but since Friday night out of excitement I found it a struggle to sleep and stay asleep. I'd wake up in the middle of the night. Perhaps out of excitement I don't know but during the holiday I struggled the same. But come Wednesday (back home and at work) and I was fine in the morning and then in the afternoon I just wept at my work desk. It was soo embarrasing. I left, cried my way home. Called the treatment team and they got me an ambulence. I said I'd wanted to die but I had no intend to do anything about it. I just wanted to hide and didn't want to face anyone. I was super sensative to everyones comments and bloody guilty about everything. Dr said it was no paranoia as my thoughts made sense. for eg. i thought that my cousins hate me because I ruined their holiday by me jwaking them up so early. So now they say I haev schizoaffective instead of paranoid schizophrenia.
  2. hope you don't mind i added numbers to the parts i have a reply to x 1. fuck that guy! i might not always be able to hold a conversation but i'm not a fucking vegetable....well...when i'm catatonic maybe, or sometimes with the thought blocking...but, still, fuck him. this is why the subtypes made so much more sense than reducing us, because there are different primary symptom types people can manifest with schizophrenia and a range of presentations. 2. i don't have a mood disorder, but sometimes can appear more "manic" to the untrained eye because that's what being vigilent and frantic can look like. i can also have agitation, which some mistake for necessarily mania related. i've been told by multiple psychiatrists that that's why you have to really not only be an expert, but also have time with your patient to see what a thing is. i spent three months ip before i was diagnosed the first time and maybe none of those you've seen have had enough time or...? i don't konw. hope that helps. x It's a difficult one because I was and never have been hospitalised. One visit every 1-2 weeks and they told me I have schizophrenia. They see you 15 minutes and send you on your merry way. They have no space for impatients. I am so frustrated because I completely feel my diagnosis is not right. And I fully understand it maybe denial too.
  3. Basically when I came off my meds, I regained some motivation. I went out, and basically more sociable than usual. Now it's just home to work, work to home. I was told it was schizoaffective , bipolar by one pdoc but schizophrenia, paranoid by another and to be honest. I don't know as I feel proper diagnosis is important for proper treatmetn and I'm not getting proper treatment.
  4. AFAIK, SZA is SZ plus Bipolar. So I'm pretty sure there is a component of SZ in SZA. I meant sza has a better prognosis so he said there was no way I had schizophrenia. Maybe a little bit but not too much. Also I saw these two psychiatrists at the same hospital. I'm sure he wasn't dodgy.
  5. Basically I had two opinions very recently. The first said he thinks it's schizoaffective, bipolar. He didn't see my history. He said that there was no way I had schizophrenia. Too animated and able to hold a conversation. The second who assessed me yesterday, said it's paranoid schizophrenia going back to my history of everything I had said to the psychiatrists. He agrees with my original psychiatrists opinion which was also in the reports. He said this is not how I presented but looking at my history that's how it seemed. Also that my psychosis was more predominant than my manic symptoms which I don't understand as I've only had one psychosis (four years ago). Also those mood symptoms I was having when I came off my meds a few weeks ago (back on them now) the restlessness, they were warning signs of schizophrenia. I'm so confused.
  6. Not by Thursday, the psychiatrist won't get it. I got a reply they will try and fax them over afterall. It was "Just too many documents".
  7. I have insurance to cover for another opinion privately. But the problem is the GP is unable to fax the documents over to the hospital because it's too many documents. So they've asked me to collect them and take them to the hospital. I can't do this as I find the reports quite upsetting and very distressing. If I get my hands on them I won't be able to resist reading them and it will set me off the worry cycle will start again. I didn't tell them this at first but I have emailed them and my GP. I am too embarrassed tto go into the GP practice as well. And I won't be able to get the reports to the hospital on time anyway as the pdoc only works there a couple of days a week. I'm screwed.
  8. Restarted meds just over a week ago. But must have missed a few doses at the end of the week not sure. I noticed online two days ago that there is a concert for my favorite singer on 29 august. I've never been to a concert and want to go. So I asked my cousin if she wanted to go. But no way is she spending that much money on a ticket. Yes, she spends £900 on bags but not on a bloody ticket. But I agreed with her that if she finds a cheaper ticket I will go with her as I much prefer her company. So she says she will go on that day to find out about ticket prices. She doesn't go, something comes up. She says to wait till Monday. I don't want to wait until Monday as the tickets will sell out really fast. I'm restless, almost to the point of tears but not quite, and I can't sit down. Yes again i think I missed a few doses. I have to book this concert. But this concert has been advertised since May (didn't know) and I'm sure they won't sell out by Monday but I feel that they will. So I go ahead and book it to see with my mother. Not ideal for me but I'll go. I thought that it was the Abilify that was makign me restless and unable to sit still but no I feel that way even if I don't take meds. Diagnosed with schizoaffective, bipolar type, but since my original pdoc feels it's paranoid schizophrenia I kind of learned to accept that
  9. That's what he said. Anyway, he told me it's pretty mild, I'm on a low dose (5mg Abilify) and it's helping both the psychosis and manic symptoms. Basically he thought I was able to hold a conversation and was too animated to have paranoid schizophrenia (my original dx) alone. Although thats something I don't understand. it sounds like a stereotype. I know he's not a dodgy though, as I used to work in mental health and a lot of referrals went there.
  10. When I first became ill, I did the same , sent a bunch of letters continuously for 3 months straight to one person. I had no sense of control I revealed EVERYTHING about myself. The only time I didn't write was when I was asleep or at work. I felt so exposed and in turn this led to my depression but hey that didn't stop me from carrying on. Did that person block me from fb? No actually he decided to tell everyone at work and had a great laugh. But thinking about it I don't blame anyoen for it. i would have done the same. The most embarrasing moments of my life. Anyway, I am seeing my pdoc tomorrow. Had to go private so hopefully I can get some advice. It's bloody expensive./
  11. For instancce I was doing well this morning and suddenly I came across a referral (work with the health service) for a patient with a serious STI. I had to process it for them. I felt quite bad. Although I have felt worse before I started meds again...there have also been insidences that really put me in a state of depression like a silly sarcastic comment by a colleague. I'm not paranoid. I just take things too personally.. sometimes.
  12. I should never have listened to anyone who told me "you look well, you don't need meds"... I knew at the back of my mind it was the meds making me well, but oh well... I learned my lesson. At the end of it all I honestly started to think I could think my way out of it but that was completely impossible. I became misrable.
  13. And I'm going to stay on meds. Maybe not these ones forever, we'll consider other options but I'll definately not stop taking them again. Thankfully, I didn't have a psychotic episode (schiz) but I was all over the place (mood wise) and it was one heck of a rollercoaster and was not worth it at all. I value my meds more than anything now. And I won't listen to anyone who tries to tell me "it's all in your head", "you can think your way out of it".
  14. Thanks guys , i feel a lot better today. I went meditation yesterday and its helped loads.
  15. I hate myself. It's all me me me at the moment. I hate that I am feeling that way. But I cannot do anything about it. I try to take interest in other peoples wellbeing but its like I'm obsessed with myself. I went to see my GP today and she feels I'm going up and down. I asked her why she feels this way. She said my mood was fluctuating from the emails I was sending her. One day I didn't want to take my meds becasue it was making me tired, etc.... and the next I am taking my meds because I'm doing so great. But you know what? I'm starting to think it's my thoughts that are influencing my moods because I have a thought disorder, not a mood disorder. If I can somehow gain control of my thinking, maybe if I can think more positive, I will be ok. But I can't get out of this rut. I am sorry for writing on this forum. But I have never felt so frustrated and annoyed with myself in my life. I try to think positive when I am feeling like this but I can't and my brain won't let me. I was in a mess this morning, few hours later I was fine, then now I am not. My thoughts are all over the place. And the meds that I got back on are not working the same.
  16. Well here in the UK it is not licensed for the use with schizophrenia, only for bipolar. I am lucky though my meds are free. Even Abilify. I have tried a lot of meds, most with side effects. Refuse to try typical antipsychotics.
  17. I've been reading a lot about mental illness. There was a point when I thought I was manic. spending a lot of money, talking a lot, etc I went to my pdoc and told her my symptoms and concerns. She said it was actually part of my schizophrenia. I felt quite confused. I couldn't accept it. I'll be honest. I do think I have schizoaffective (I've been diagnosed with this by a private pdoc) and yes I would prefer this label (I did tell my pdoc), Becasue there are more med options. But it's probably that I am inflicting these moods, thoughts and behaviors on myself through reading about them. Maybe I shouldn't read too much at all. I'm actually expericing these swings because its part of my delusional belief that I was manic. It's okay I'm alright now. I've been taking my meds.
  18. Blurred vision, shaking, intense anxiety, the possibility of permenant side effects like TD, weight gain, makes me feel flat, like hardly any emotion but I now learned that I have emotion, it's the med. Is that enough of a list? You're right, don't like having been labeled schiz because I don't feel I have it. Thought perhaps I'm in denial, the thought did cross me. But now know this is not all in my head. My GP seen it herself. My first psychiatrist never saw me in my fully psychotic state ER (a&e did). I was on meds for about four weeks before I saw my pdoc. Everytime I went in with spending issues to see my pdoc it was always dismissed. This girl doesn't want schiz. Of course I don't want schiz. I don't want to have any illness whatsoever. But I know how I feel.
  19. I took 5mg Abilify for a very long time. i have no idea how it worked but it worked. Kept me free of schiz. I still do not have psychosis. I had to go back on them this evening to prevent it. My GP said me going to A&E (ER), these ups and downs were alarm bells. I was wondering though does anyone with schizophrenia also have mood swings (not schizoaffective) and can be take mood stabalisers for that too or does it have to be antipsychotics? I want to explore other options because there really aren't that many.
  20. Very much so. I don't know how I am feeling one minute to the next. I feel quite sorry for the GP because I keep bothering her. I wrote to her on Friday evening. That morning she said I may be hypomanic. I was devasted. Like I said couldn't concentrate on work or anything. By that eveninng i was in a state of panic and went to A&E(ER) who did nothing. Then I was ok, wrote to her and apologised for going there and said I felt fine now which I did at the time. But then I spent the whole two days feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. Then I wrote to her explaining what was happening. And now I feel ok again? WTH? I can't keep writing to her like this.
  21. It was definately doing something, not really sure what. Now I don't have it something feels way off.
  22. Ok, now I feel so much better after we had guests. But I can't cope with more mood swings like this. I know bipolar mood swings last for longer than this so its obviously not that...
  23. I acknolwdge I should not have come of the meds for schizophrenia. But I was on them 4 years and in remission from first episode. I thought I'd be ok. Anyway, Friday I saw my GP, she said it may be signs of hypomania. I went back to work and then I started crying in front of my colleagues because I couldn't remember what I was doing or concentrate on anything. I thought that I was cured because i was in remission for so long. So embarrasing. And now I just having this overwhelming sense of terror over me. But I don't know why. My heart feels like it's beating fast and I feel like crying whenever I talk to anyone. I feel awful. And I am worried of losing my mind. I am not psychotic but I know where this is heading.
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