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mashko

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    Trans Man
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  1. Hey everyone, sorry for posting here out of nowhere I guess I really have to vent. Have been trying to stay off of medication, only took it 1x since I got out rehab in July it was Abilify I'm surprised I'm still alive since that particular pill put me to sleep on the road many times and I have "woken up" driving. Decided not to risk anti psychotics because I'd rather be alive and with these occasional visitors than dead. Have not taken any medication since I got addicted to xanax and had to drop it. Decided not to take any medication since then and have been pretty okay although I still hallucinate at least once a week (at the very least) and still hear voices although I don't think that's my hallucination anymore as much as just a part of me that I have to bear. I almost feel lonely sometimes because i NEVER NEVER NEVER talk about my pain and bear the whole thing all the time without sharing. But I know it's for the best. Every time I have shared I have regretted it. When I went to my last psychiatrist about my addiction he started looking at me like a fucking disgusting piece of shit and I'm never seeing a psychiatrist again. As if I were scum and he "knew all along that I was faking this to get xanax" when I was trying to alleviate my symptoms. Those pills all of them xanax especially and abilify (all anti psychotics even) caused me more harm than good and if I'm alright living with my hallucinations I'm alright then no question. I'm no longer sick of living this life I'm just accepting it even though secretly I really want to die but I'm not going to do shit cause I like to think I'm more grown up than to do something like make other people sad so I can feel happy in death. Not to say that thinking about suicide means you're not grown up of course you can be a grown ass mature woman or man and still have suicidal thoughts I mean we all do. This is the first time I've talked about my hallucinations or my schizophrenia to anyone in many, many, many months (probably since I last posted here) not including the once-in-a-blue-moon subtle hint that I might be hallucination.
  2. like Others have mentioned lack of sleep and stress for sure. Also LOUD NOISES!! People arguing, people getting heated on a subject of conversation, people looking at me angry. Anger sets me off and scares me. Fighting makes me hallucinate and hear people ylling at me more instide my head.
  3. I see planes going overhead and things falling from them like bombs. I know they're not real because at this point I tell myself 'If anything weird is going on, then it doesn't exist no matter what'. That's good and bad - sometimes things are real when I tell myself they're not and I end up freaking out a little bit about it (inside myself, I don't show that emotion outwardly cause it usually makes things worse). Hear people talking about me, people chattering, people repeating what I say in weird intonations. Usually it's not too bad, little snippets of conversation like if I'm at the mall. I've seen a girl on my bed before which scared me and I ran downstairs. She looked just like my nightmares, long black hare pale face and no real face to see. I've hallucinated different cat than I have in my house meowing. Bugs a lot, ants. One thing that a lot of people mentioned (surprisingly) is one that I share, seeing molecules. I also see ultraviolet light clearly and it's like when you look at the sun, it's a very bright purple that holds all colours in it.
  4. Hello everyone, Today I experienced my most vivid and scary hallucination that I have ever had. I went upstairs to my room to find a girl sitting on my bed. I freaked out, started screaming, ran downstairs extremely shaken up, cried, flipped out, went upstairs again - she was gone. Now I know that the way I dealt with my hallucination was based on fear and perhaps isn't the best way to react to a full-blown hallucination like that. I need help figuring out how to deal with hallucinations that are both scary, strong, and intensely vivid to the point of fear. If something like this were to happen at work, I would be completely lost and full of fear and do not know how to cope with such vivid hallucinations. I don't want to lose my job over these hallucinations and the fear that comes from them. How do you guys deal with VERY intense hallucinations? I am at a loss on how to react and was wondering if you guys had some suggestions on how to cope.
  5. hello everyone, and WOW thank you for all the replies ! i have sent the list to my mother although honestly i have no idea how she is going to reply as she does not want me to take medication nor wants me to take pills . either way i know that she loves me and in the end i think that is all that matters on the topic, really . there is only so much to be done . i can understand why someone would think that medication is unnatural , and my take on it is : although it may be unnatural , we are first and foremost afflicted with an 'unnatural' imbalance of chemicals in our brains that cause something like this to happen in the first place . to try and alleviate it is the only priority, and if some addition of chemicals does help someone that is afflicted, then perhaps that is a substitute for a similar neurological substance that we are lacking. but then again that is just my point .
  6. "You're just lazy!" (regarding the lack of motivation that comes with the mental illness) "Just work harder and you'll get better!" (as if we are not working hard enough?)
  7. if your pdoc doesn't listen to you, i highly HIGHLY recommend thinking of switching pdocs . the first pdoc that i've ever been to told me that i have 'read too many psychology books and have no idea what i'm talking about because i'm not a professional ' . she was super rude to me and once i switched to a more understanding pdoc then my life got a HELL of a lot better . seriously ! if one of the parts of your treatment is unstable or not helping you , you've got to cut it out of your life - it will only drag you down and it's bad to expect something of somebody because they might let you down . i'm sorry to hear that the illness is draining you - honestly , schizophrenia /psychosis is the most debilitating mental illness i know of (then again i am partial ) . one thing that helped me was switching my antidepressants and antipsychotics around a few times . for me i find that celexa and geodon work wonders but it's different for everybody ! if you think that perhaps your AAPs or ADs are causing your lethargy or lack of motivation (which they often do - try to see how you act before and after the medication for a good marker point ) - then it may be a good idea to switch them up.
  8. hello everyone ! i recently got diagnosed with schizophrenia , and thankfully with the DSM V the subtypes of schizophrenia got redacted (which i find to be good , because to me it seemed like the subtypes frequently mixed together and were inaccurate) i'm creating a list for my parents and my boyfriend for what NOT to say to a schizophrenic . they all try to help a lot and i am grateful for it , but there are some things that are just very unhelpful and downright depressing to hear ! if you guys think of anything to add , please do - this list is ongoing and incomplete! so far i have .... "You realize this is just a delusion, right?" / "You're being delusional don't you see it?" "You don't have schizophrenia [because] the people that have it eat their own feces / act generally crazier than you ever have QED." "Stop thinking that ____ will happen , it's not logically possible!" "You're being driven by emotion and not logic, try to let go of your emotions!" (as an extremely logically-driven person this is so insulting to me that i find myself infuriated every time i hear it >_< )
  9. Except I HAVE gotten better. Not 100%, but I'm heaps better than I was 2 years ago. i'm really glad to hear it yes like everyone has already said a thousand times REPORT him , i can not believe someone would be so pig-headed . i had a similar experience when the first psychiatrist i ever went to said that i had been 'reading too many stupid psychology books' and had 'no idea what i'm talking about' because i wasn't a licensed professional . big-headed high-horsers ... a classic.
  10. anybody else find themselves MUCH shakier (physically) and more restless than before you starting taking anti-psychotics ? i seriously can NOT stop twitching and moving my arms or legs or anything . i try to calm down and i find that my muscles involuntarily seize up
  11. yes , i have sound-colour synesthesia so i hear colours and see them as well . middle c is red for exampl e ! i guess i have to talk to my pdoc about this geodon :S seroquel put me to sleep as well so idk what to do ...
  12. me - 40mg twice a day . how are you taking it ? is it making you fall asleep ? it definitely is for me :X
  13. hello everyone - i am having quite a problem here and was wondering if anybody knew what to do. i have work but every time i go i am FALLING ASLEEP due to my medication (geodon , 40mg x2 daily) . anyone know what to do / what medication or techniques help ? coffee doesn't help and i just can't seem to stay awake :S help !!
  14. i'm really glad so many other people understand . thank you everyone . i just talked to my mom today and told her i have schizophrenia (recently diagnosed and it's kind of been obvious for a while) - her response was 'you're not schizophrenic - you don't act insane and crazy like one' . just disheartening , but it warms my heart to know others understand
  15. the unfortunate thing about people approaching a doctor with their schizophrenia or psychosis is the fact that they look down on you . i swear , every time i go to a doctor and i try to explain that i'm being watched or that bombs will fall they all give me this stupid look , like down their nose . why are people so afraid of this mental illness? why do people look down on me so much whenever i admit my ilness? people don't look at me the same once they know i'm schizophrenic , they look down on me and honestly i wish i could be honest with what is going on with me without fearing like they will look down on me all the time. sorry about the rant - i really needed to get this off my chest
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