I'm sorry that you're struggling and I wish that you could find some relief.. I can relate to the feeling of living for others and feeling like a burden.. I try to tell myself I'm not a burden..that I am loved and cared about and I'm sure you are too.. Often I think we get stuck in our heads with these ideas that the people we care about don't want us around.. But I know it's our illness speaking to us.. I think if staying alive for others is what's holding you in this world there is nothing wrong with that.. In time you will find more purposes to live.. The better you start feeling the more reasons there will be.. I hope that with this new doc they are more willing to help you..
I'm communicating to the universe to heal Bailey..
In hopes that he doesn't have anything serious..
I am so stressed out that I am losing my mind and on the verge of tears..
I can't deal with this..
I have to wait till 3 for his appointment..
I'm just sitting here unable to do anything..
@coraline, How did Bailey's appt go yesterday?
I'm worried about Bailey..
I just noticed he's losing hair around his eye..
I also noticed he has a pink dot on his tummy..
And of course his vet isn't open today..
I feel like a mess..
I care about him so much..
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@coraline, I am not a vet, but it doesn't sound like something serious.......However, I would recommend taking him to vet soon, just to give yourself some peace of mind.
I am taking Bailey to the vet on Wednesday..
I was hoping to get him in today..but they were very busy..
@coraline, I think that would be fine to take him Wednesday........IMO, I don't think it's anything serious.
I am having such vivid dreams/nightmares..
That I am experiencing physical pain in them..
Yesterday I bumped my head on an overhead light in one and felt it..
And got attacked by a dog and could feel that too..
I don't know what to think of these..
It's getting weirder and weirder..
I woke up today stretched after getting out of bed..
And exclaimed that it's gonna be a great day..
It was as if I was dreaming I was in a positive thinking seminar..
I was sitting here considering contacting my ex..via email or text..
The one that told me to fuck off..
I just wanted to see if he was ok..
But then realized he doesn't deserve my kindness..
I don't know what I was thinking..
And besides that I'd be paranoid if he decided to be evil and place a no contact order on me..
The last thing I need is more trouble with the law..
Yesterday my debit card was declined twice saying I had insufficient funds..
Even though every day I check my balance..I had money..
I think the government is monitoring my spending and account.
I don't think they approve of what I'm spending my money on..
I think they are not allowing me to use my money there anymore..
I want them to leave me alone and stop monitoring me..
I had a scare with my debit card not terribly long ago too. Some idiot had used my card number somehow on Amazon in a totally different country! It was fraud and I had to call my bank in tears trying to sound calmer than I felt.
Keep watching it or better yet, call your bank to make sure no weird charges are on there. They should be able to tell you the last so many charges and why your card was declined. It could also be the store having an issue too. Hard to know.
Sorry that happened. I felt very weirded out and spied on when my card got used fraudulently too. I feel a little better about it now, but still. I too check it a lot. I don’t want people stealing from me or spying on my account online.
I wish everything would just stop.. I have moments that are good but they are fleeting.. I want so badly to just be better.. I'm not sure if that's ever going to be my reality.. I feel like my mind is so programmed to destroy itself.. The voices that won't completely go away.. The paranoia.. The thoughts.. Everything that haunts me.. I look and feel exhausted from this battle.. I'm afraid I will never win this.. I do feel that I am doing a tad better from the increase of Zyprexa.. But not enough to function in society..no way am I ever returning to work.. Maybe it's just as good as it gets for me.. I'm working on coloring and a painting right now... Trying to distract myself from everything.. I've been taking Bailey on walks with my mom..it's been nice weather.. I was feeling out of it yesterday on our walk ..I just hate how I am..it's borderline embarrassing...my poor mom.. After that we met my auntie for lunch for early celebration for mothers day.. Her kids..my cousins basically ignore her..I don't know what the hell is wrong with my family.. Lunch was nice..she is easy to be around and I love her..she gets me..she's my mom's sister.. Somehow she grounds me..I think she has magic powers..
When I first started taking Zyprexa I gained weight.. I've been on it for at least a few years..with a few months break because I was sick of the weight gain.. I was doing nothing about the weight gain back then though.. Now I exercise at the gym for an hour 3x a week..mom drags me there of course.. And walk Bailey as often as possible.. I've actually lost weight on Zyprexa.. And like you I don't get the night time eating..which is really weird.. As far as blood sugar.. The last time I had it checked was a year ago and it was fine.. I should go get it checked again..
I often feel guilty for not working.. I'm on disability and feel like I should be contributing more financially to my mom.. I have so many expenses outside of household needs..and don't get much from disability.. They really don't care about people..I swear.. Also I feel worthless that I messed up so bad that I can't work because my mi took over.. I had a lot going for me..then just lost my mind..I couldn't hold on..no matter what meds I was on.. I feel guilty for not contributing to society.. I know I shouldn't feel like people are fed up with me but I think my brother is because he rarely talks to me.. I feel lazy because I can't accomplish much..my days are filled with mediocre tasks..then I still end up sleeping most of the day away.. I wish I could leave the house but can barely do that without my mom.. It's a daily struggle.. I understand where you are coming from..
I've never really watched YouTube videos for makeup or hair.. I've always just done what I do.. Some advice on blow drying your own hair is to section it with clips.. The best thing to start with is your bangs..get them how you want them..depending on how you want them.. I have straight across bangs..I blow dry them to the left then right till they are almost dry then straight down.. You can do the same with side bangs minus the straight down part..it gives them more volume..blow them dry in the direction you want them.. Section your hair so the sides and back are out..blow dry until almost dry then use a round brush..from roots to ends.. Keep working your way up..don't worry if they are perfect sections..it's more to keep your hair out of your way while you work.. If you are using a styling product put in damp hair and comb through.. For makeup I always do eyes first.. Depending on the look you're going for..natural..colorful..smokey.. Start from the outside corner of the eye and work to the inside..I do this with my eyes open..not closed..it places it better.. Then open your eye and fill in the blanks.. I like to use a eyeshadow primer..urban decay is my favorite.. For a natural look use a tone close to your skin tone but with depth..not too dark.. Use a light color all over the lid..then a medium color 3/4 from outside to middle..blending..blend like crazy.. For a colorful look choose colors that compliment your skin tone..jewel tones..pastels..etc.. I like to just do 3/4 of the lid and blend like crazy leaving the inside corner faintly colored.. For smokey eyes..I like to do these in colors or gray tones or brown tones.. I use a light and dark color and lots of blending.. I apply the light color 3/4 blending to the inside of the corner till it's faint.. Then add the darker color on the outside about 1/4 and blend inward I then add eyeliner..and use the darker color on the bottom lid area to blur the eyeliner.. I always use brushes for eyeshadow.. I don't apply foundation until I'm done with the eyes in case you need to erase any mistakes.. And a little goes a long way.. My favorite brand of eyeshadow is urban decay..it lasts all day.. And my favorite foundation is loreal infallible matte foundation..it's light weight and soft and feels like you have nothing on.. Ok I've babbled.. Hopefully I've made sense..
Bailey has to go to the vet today for his lab work..
I'm kind of worried because he has been showing symptoms of either low or high calcium levels..
He doesn't want to eat and he has been throwing up a few times these past few days..
He's always a couch potato type doggie but will play or go for walks..
So I can't really tell if lethargy is also a symptom..
Hopefully everything is ok..
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From what I understood it was too high..
I need to increase his phosphorus supplement..
She was saying how the renal diet is low in protein and she doesn't like that for such a young dog..
He's only on 30mg of his phosphorus supplement so he has room to go up..
He can get up to 100mg..
So I am to give him 35mgs...it comes in a powder with a scoop..so it's a fluffy scoop plus a little extra..
Or 1/4tsp..it's pretty easy to measure out either way..
He's not in the danger zone so I don't need to freak out..
She said to bring him back in 2 months..
Unless he's showing symptoms..
I'm remembering the day my grandmother who was schizophrenic died..
I was 5 and I laid on the bed with my mom while she cried..
I can vividly remember the room and emotions that surrounded that day..
It was just me and my mom alone..
I was a 5 year old girl who understood that I was needed..
I will never forget that day or my grandmother..
She gave me a turquoise ring I still have..I will always love her
And have her in my thoughts while I fight my battle..
You should definitely tell your pdoc you stopped taking vraylar.. And list the reasons why.. I think it's important for your pdoc to know the reasons so that they can understand.. I don't really think it's the greatest idea to stop on your own.. I don't know what the outcome of withdrawal of this med is.. I honestly worry.. I think you should wait until you speak to your pdoc about it.. I know suffering through side effects are awful.. But I'm sure that your pdoc could safely get you off this med..