I've gained weight during this.. It sucks.. I was going to the gym but now it's closed.. I'm stress eating..mostly I binge on cereal..so we aren't buying that anymore.. My mom and I have recently filled the house with only healthy food..no junk..so hopefully that will help.. I am trying to do exercises at home..sit ups..lunges..squats..and we have 5lb weights so I'm using those.. We are trying to walk daily if the weather isn't bad or if I'm not freaking out.. Everything is so hard because I'd rather be asleep.. It's a struggle.. But I figure if I accomplish at least moving around a bit a couple times a week and watch what I eat it will help.. Zyprexa really has made me want to eat on top of all this stress..
The military is going to take me away.. They are going to lock me up in quarantine.. I'm so scared..
Because of the coronavirus my pdoc is going to call me and do our appointment over the phone.. I am terrified of my phone.. For awhile I thought my ex had sold all my info because I was getting strange texts and calls.. I also fear it keeps track of me..I never have it near me unless I plan on using it..so it stays away from me.. I don't really feel very comfortable with this situation... I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to be open or just want to hurry up and get off the phone..
I'm getting worried..
I paid for my renewal of my hairstylist licence in the beginning of the month..
I called the number to see why I haven't received it..
They said it's a 4 week delay on the recording..
But there is a question about criminal history and I have to disclose that..
I hope I'm not getting my license taken away..
It's never happened before..
I'm really paranoid..
It was very difficult for me to leave as well.. I was with the guy for 10 years.. I would leave..stay with my mom.. He would say just the right things and I would go back.. This went on for years.. It takes a lot of strength to get out and I think you should go stay with your mom.. Work on yourself through therapy..find someone that can specialize in domestic violence..I eventually went that route.. Before I went through that specialized therapy I found myself in another abusive relationship.. It was less abusive..if that's such a thing..less evil.. I just kept finding myself in horrible relationships.. It's like I attracted this.. So I don't want you to go down this path.. I understand how hard it is to get out.. I understand that you feel obligated to stay..but you are not..you can find the strength to leave and live a safe life..
Any time someone is violent towards you is reason to leave.. It's not going to get better.. Therapy can help work out some demons but in all honesty I think it's best done without you involved with your partner.. The drinking may never stop.. The abuse may escalate.. This situation sounds like my past life with my first serious relationship.. It got so bad I had black eyes and eventually was knocked unconscious with a plate he threw at me.. Yes I was symptomatic at the time all these things and fights would happen..and he was drunk..but does that justify what happened..no.. I think you need to find a safe place to live.. You need a place to recover from your troubles with mi.. You don't need the added stress of someone that is doing more harm than good in your life.. I'm sorry you are going through all of this.. Try to stay strong and I wish you the best..
Gonna go see star wars today..rather than gym..
Way too mentally exhausted from nami meeting yesterday...
Hopefully I can handle this outing..
We almost got in a pretty bad car accident on the way there..
My mom thought the light had changed to green and started going..
And a bus was coming from the left..it almost hit us..thankfully it saw us and stopped..
My mom stopped just in time too..
I hate being in cars..
It took awhile for us to recover from that experience..
The movie was good..
I like star wars..
Bailey goes to the vet today to get his labs done to check his levels of calcium and phosphorus..
I'm so worried as usual that he's not ok..
It freaks me out that I'm doing his meds wrong every day..
I really hope he's ok..
I know it's a matter of adjusting his doses if the results are bad..but it still makes me scared..
I wish he didn't have this condition..
I feel bad for him..
I have been communicating with the universe to protect him and heal him..
He means so much to me..
He is one of the constants that brings me to reality..
Vet called with his results and his phosphorus levels were low..
I have to increase the amount of his supplement I give him..
The vet didn't seem worried and said that unless he shows signs of anything he graduated..
So now he only has to go in every 6 months rather than 3 months..
I'm glad he's ok..
I just wish I could stop worrying about him..
@coraline, I think you are doing a great job with Bailey....Glad to hear he only has to go in every 6 months now....🙂
my hairstylist licence expires in March..
I keep it valid so I can continue buying professional products to do my aunties and moms hair..
Plus I worked damn hard to get it..
I tried renewing it online and they said I can't be found in their records..
Even though they sent me a notice to renew it..
And I swear I renewed it online last time..
I'm so stressed..paranoid..
Now I have to go in the actual office..
They also ask about criminal background..
If you've committed a crime within the last 10 years..which I have..
They want documents..I hope they still have them on file..I burned all of them..
I'm not in the mood for any of this..
It's really freaking me out..
I am so screwed up in the head from watching a show called..
Don't F!@$# with cats..on Netflix with my mom..
I am just terrified..
I can't do anything to get it out of my head..
I feel damaged..
It won't stop..
My mind is not mine..
I have my pdoc appointment today..
I'm going to tell her about how I felt distant from reality and thinking that people were part of a program at the gym..
I am going to tell her that the thought of the yard being contaminated is back..
I am going to tell her about how I want to tell the guy at gym that I am paranoid of everything..
I am still on the fence about telling her about how I have thoughts of wanting to die..
I'm wondering if I should tell her about how when my mom and I were fighting in the car how I wanted to jump out of the moving car..
I really want to quit smoking..
It's been on my mind for months..
I can't stand how it's affecting my health..
I just don't know if now is a good time since I'm struggling so much..
I'm not even sure how to go about it..
I'm so hooked on it that it seems impossible..
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Maybe the safest option for @coraline would be nicotine patches or gum, if she doesn't feel comfortable with vaping.
I was almost out of cigarettes yesterday..
I was thinking that I was going to go to target and get some type of nicotine replacement..
But I caved..
I make my cigarettes by hand so it's such a ritual..
I just don't know how I'm going to do this..
I'm wondering if I should buy the nicotine replacement while I have a full tin of tobacco..
I want to quit before I'm 40..
Which isn't til October..
But it's a goal..
I see my pdoc on Tuesday I may ask her about chantix..
But I do have a lot of mi things to talk about too..
I'm losing it..
I feel invaded..
There's a plumber here that's installing faucets that's been here all day..
Bailey had to stay in his house because he can't be in the way..
I needed him but I am suspicious of this guy and didn't want to leave my mom alone with him..
He did finally finish our side but is now working on our neighbors/renters side..
I let Bailey out finally..
But the guy came over looking for lost parts and Bailey wanted to attack him..
Bailey is normally a friendly doggie..so I'm even more afraid..
My mom now had to take a trip to the home parts store..
I'm freaking out..
He's in the driveway and I feel like I'm trapped..
There's also roofing going on next door and every time I go outside for a cigarette..
I think they are talking about me and laughing..
I am scared that they are contaminating the yard so I fear for Bailey...
I will only take him out on his harness..
I'm a wreck today..
I understand being scared of meds and possible side effects.. But it's best to try the med and see if it helps you.. You can always stop if side effects get problematic.. It sounds like you are in a dark place right now and could benefit from this med..