coraline

I am so screwed up in the head from watching a show called..

Don't F!@$# with cats..on Netflix with my mom..

I am just terrified..

I can't do anything to get it out of my head..

I feel damaged..

It won't stop..

My mind is not mine..

I have my pdoc appointment today..

I'm going to tell her about how I felt distant from reality and thinking that people were part of a program at the gym..

 I am going to tell her that the thought of the yard being contaminated is back..

I am going to tell her about how I want to tell the guy at gym that I am paranoid of everything..

I am still on the fence about telling her about how I have thoughts of wanting to die..

I'm wondering if I should tell her about how when my mom and I were fighting in the car how I wanted to jump out of the moving car..

I really want to quit smoking..

It's been on my mind for months..

I can't stand how it's affecting my health..

I just don't know if now is a good time since I'm struggling so much..

I'm not even sure how to go about it..

I'm so hooked on it that it seems impossible..

I'm losing it..

I feel invaded..

There's a plumber here that's installing faucets that's been here all day..

Bailey had to stay in his house because he can't be in the way..

I needed him but I am suspicious of this guy and didn't  want to leave my mom alone with him..

He did finally finish our side but is now working on our neighbors/renters side..

I let Bailey out finally..

But the guy came over looking for lost parts and Bailey wanted to attack him..

Bailey is normally a friendly doggie..so I'm even more afraid..

My mom now had to take a trip to the home parts store..

I'm freaking out..

He's in the driveway and I feel like I'm trapped..

There's also roofing going on next door and every time I go outside for a cigarette..

I think they are talking about me and laughing..

I am scared that they are contaminating the yard so I fear for Bailey...

I will only take him out on his harness..

I'm a wreck today..

My pharmacy is messing up..

I'm out of 2 meds..

I called for refills and was told they would be ready on the 24th..

Something is wrong with their system..they are usually automatic refills..

I called this morning and the automated robot said they are working on one I'm not out of..

I'm anxiously waiting for them to open so I can talk to a real person..

I hate myself for not being on top of things and relying so much on automatic refills..

I'm so stupid..

Yesterday was my grandmothers birthday..on my mom's side..

She had sz and passed away when I was 5..

I have many good memories of her..

I was laying in bed last night talking to her..

Asking if she's been the one watching over me..

There's been so many times I should have died..I don't mean to be morbid..

But maybe she's been watching over me to help me along this journey..

I felt this sensation of safety..

As if it is true..

As if she wants to see me get better..

As if she wants me to win the battle she fought so hard for..

Bailey's vet called with his blood work results..

His calcium is creeping up to the high end..

He will still get the same amount of his medication but cut down on the tums..

He loves tums so this might make him sad..

His phosphorus levels are fine..

So I don't have to adjust that supplement..

He has to go back in 3 months..

I was really hoping that it was going to be the same results as last time..

I feel like it's my fault that he's not doing the same as he was..

Bailey goes to the vet today to get his blood work done..

They have to check his calcium and phosphorus levels..

Last time they were perfect..

I'm hopeful that they haven't changed..

I haven't been doing anything different with his doses of meds..

Poor little guy can't eat breakfast before his test..

I texted my pdoc today in hopes of getting an appointment..

I'm waiting to hear back..

I don't know what I'm going to tell her..