I am so screwed up in the head from watching a show called..
Don't F!@$# with cats..on Netflix with my mom..
I am just terrified..
I can't do anything to get it out of my head..
I feel damaged..
It won't stop..
My mind is not mine..
I have my pdoc appointment today..
I'm going to tell her about how I felt distant from reality and thinking that people were part of a program at the gym..
I am going to tell her that the thought of the yard being contaminated is back..
I am going to tell her about how I want to tell the guy at gym that I am paranoid of everything..
I am still on the fence about telling her about how I have thoughts of wanting to die..
I'm wondering if I should tell her about how when my mom and I were fighting in the car how I wanted to jump out of the moving car..
I really want to quit smoking..
It's been on my mind for months..
I can't stand how it's affecting my health..
I just don't know if now is a good time since I'm struggling so much..
I'm not even sure how to go about it..
I'm so hooked on it that it seems impossible..
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Maybe the safest option for @coraline would be nicotine patches or gum, if she doesn't feel comfortable with vaping.
I was almost out of cigarettes yesterday..
I was thinking that I was going to go to target and get some type of nicotine replacement..
But I caved..
I make my cigarettes by hand so it's such a ritual..
I just don't know how I'm going to do this..
I'm wondering if I should buy the nicotine replacement while I have a full tin of tobacco..
I want to quit before I'm 40..
Which isn't til October..
But it's a goal..
I see my pdoc on Tuesday I may ask her about chantix..
But I do have a lot of mi things to talk about too..
I'm losing it..
I feel invaded..
There's a plumber here that's installing faucets that's been here all day..
Bailey had to stay in his house because he can't be in the way..
I needed him but I am suspicious of this guy and didn't want to leave my mom alone with him..
He did finally finish our side but is now working on our neighbors/renters side..
I let Bailey out finally..
But the guy came over looking for lost parts and Bailey wanted to attack him..
Bailey is normally a friendly doggie..so I'm even more afraid..
My mom now had to take a trip to the home parts store..
I'm freaking out..
He's in the driveway and I feel like I'm trapped..
There's also roofing going on next door and every time I go outside for a cigarette..
I think they are talking about me and laughing..
I am scared that they are contaminating the yard so I fear for Bailey...
I will only take him out on his harness..
I'm a wreck today..
I understand being scared of meds and possible side effects.. But it's best to try the med and see if it helps you.. You can always stop if side effects get problematic.. It sounds like you are in a dark place right now and could benefit from this med..
My pharmacy is messing up..
I'm out of 2 meds..
I called for refills and was told they would be ready on the 24th..
Something is wrong with their system..they are usually automatic refills..
I called this morning and the automated robot said they are working on one I'm not out of..
I'm anxiously waiting for them to open so I can talk to a real person..
I hate myself for not being on top of things and relying so much on automatic refills..
I'm so stupid..
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I went in and it wasn't the pharmacy technician that knows me so I was worried..
I explained my situation..
They had my latuda and Zyprexa ready but not my topamax..
I am not out of Zyprexa..
They claimed that they had contacted my pdoc..
But I don't trust them..
I was so frustrated..
I took the meds that were ready..
Walked down an isle and started crying..
I texted my pdoc that the pharmacy wasn't helping and that if she could please send in a refill request..
We went home and my pdoc responded and sent it in..
Now I'm waiting till they get it filled..
I'm still so anxious about this..
Yesterday was my grandmothers birthday..on my mom's side..
She had sz and passed away when I was 5..
I have many good memories of her..
I was laying in bed last night talking to her..
Asking if she's been the one watching over me..
There's been so many times I should have died..I don't mean to be morbid..
But maybe she's been watching over me to help me along this journey..
I felt this sensation of safety..
As if it is true..
As if she wants to see me get better..
As if she wants me to win the battle she fought so hard for..
Bailey's vet called with his blood work results..
His calcium is creeping up to the high end..
He will still get the same amount of his medication but cut down on the tums..
He loves tums so this might make him sad..
His phosphorus levels are fine..
So I don't have to adjust that supplement..
He has to go back in 3 months..
I was really hoping that it was going to be the same results as last time..
I feel like it's my fault that he's not doing the same as he was..
Bailey goes to the vet today to get his blood work done..
They have to check his calcium and phosphorus levels..
Last time they were perfect..
I'm hopeful that they haven't changed..
I haven't been doing anything different with his doses of meds..
Poor little guy can't eat breakfast before his test..
No I've never been lost in the woods to the point that a rescue team had to come for me.. I did grow up in the woods..endless forest..sometimes my brother and I would get turned around.. But we'd call our golden retriever to come get us.. Or if she was with us she knew the way back.. Do you drink coffee?..and how much?..
I hope that you're ah continue to give you a break.. Hopefully soon they go away completely.. I'm glad you have a place you can express thoughts like these..
I texted my pdoc today in hopes of getting an appointment..
I'm waiting to hear back..
I don't know what I'm going to tell her..
It's always so hard for me to organize my thoughts..
I have such limited time with her..
I need to get to the most important thing that's happening..
I often end up breaking down and feeling ashamed that I let it get that bad..
I'm upset right now because she still hasn't gotten back to me..
I texted her yesterday morning..
I thought she would have responded yesterday..ugh..
It took everything I had to text her..
I've been avoiding this for so long..
I'm horrible at waiting once I make the effort to do something I've been putting off..
I hope she's not mad at me..
I feel like she is against me and doesn't want to help me..
Maybe I'm too much to deal with..