coraline

I wish everything would just stop.. I have moments that are good but they are fleeting.. I want so badly to just be better.. I'm not sure if that's ever going to be my reality.. I feel like my mind is so programmed to destroy itself.. The voices that won't completely go away.. The paranoia.. The thoughts.. Everything that haunts me.. I look and feel exhausted from this battle.. I'm afraid I will never win this.. I do feel that I am doing a tad better from the increase of Zyprexa.. But not enough to function in society..no way am I ever returning to work.. Maybe it's just as good as it gets for me.. I'm working on coloring and a painting right now... Trying to distract myself from everything.. I've been taking Bailey on walks with my mom..it's been nice weather.. I was feeling out of it yesterday on our walk ..I just hate how I am..it's borderline embarrassing...my poor mom.. After that we met my auntie for lunch for early celebration for mothers day.. Her kids..my cousins basically ignore her..I don't know what the hell is wrong with my family.. Lunch was nice..she is easy to be around and I love her..she gets me..she's my mom's sister.. Somehow she grounds me..I think she has magic powers..

When I first started taking Zyprexa I gained weight.. I've been on it for at least a few years..with a few months break because I was sick of the weight gain.. I was doing nothing about the weight gain back then though.. Now I exercise at the gym for an hour 3x a week..mom drags me there of course.. And walk Bailey as often as possible.. I've actually lost weight on Zyprexa.. And like you I don't get the night time eating..which is really weird.. As far as blood sugar.. The last time I had it checked was a year ago and it was fine.. I should go get it checked again..

I often feel guilty for not working.. I'm on disability and feel like I should be contributing more financially to my mom.. I have so many expenses outside of household needs..and don't get much from disability.. They really don't care about people..I swear.. Also I feel worthless that I messed up so bad that I can't work because my mi took over.. I had a lot going for me..then just lost my mind..I couldn't hold on..no matter what meds I was on.. I feel guilty for not contributing to society.. I know I shouldn't feel like people are fed up with me but I think my brother is because he rarely talks to me.. I feel lazy because I can't accomplish much..my days are filled with mediocre tasks..then I still end up sleeping most of the day away.. I wish I could leave the house but can barely do that without my mom.. It's a daily struggle.. I understand where you are coming from..

Yes..farthest from your nose.. You're not dumb.. Makeup is challenging..

I've never really watched YouTube videos for makeup or hair.. I've always just done what I do.. Some advice on blow drying your own hair is to section it with clips.. The best thing to start with is your bangs..get them how you want them..depending on how you want them.. I have straight across bangs..I blow dry them to the left then right till they are almost dry then straight down.. You can do the same with side bangs minus the straight down part..it gives them more volume..blow them dry in the direction you want them.. Section your hair so the sides and back are out..blow dry until almost dry then use a round brush..from roots to ends.. Keep working your way up..don't worry if they are perfect sections..it's more to keep your hair out of your way while you work.. If you are using a styling product put in damp hair and comb through.. For makeup I always do eyes first.. Depending on the look you're going for..natural..colorful..smokey.. Start from the outside corner of the eye and work to the inside..I do this with my eyes open..not closed..it places it better.. Then open your eye and fill in the blanks.. I like to use a eyeshadow primer..urban decay is my favorite.. For a natural look use a tone close to your skin tone but with depth..not too dark.. Use a light color all over the lid..then a medium color 3/4 from outside to middle..blending..blend like crazy.. For a colorful look choose colors that compliment your skin tone..jewel tones..pastels..etc.. I like to just do 3/4 of the lid and blend like crazy leaving the inside corner faintly colored.. For smokey eyes..I like to do these in colors or gray tones or brown tones.. I use a light and dark color and lots of blending.. I apply the light color 3/4 blending to the inside of the corner till it's faint.. Then add the darker color on the outside about 1/4 and blend inward I then add eyeliner..and use the darker color on the bottom lid area to blur the eyeliner.. I always use brushes for eyeshadow.. I don't apply foundation until I'm done with the eyes in case you need to erase any mistakes.. And a little goes a long way.. My favorite brand of eyeshadow is urban decay..it lasts all day.. And my favorite foundation is loreal infallible matte foundation..it's light weight and soft and feels like you have nothing on.. Ok I've babbled.. Hopefully I've made sense..

You should definitely tell your pdoc you stopped taking vraylar.. And list the reasons why.. I think it's important for your pdoc to know the reasons so that they can understand.. I don't really think it's the greatest idea to stop on your own.. I don't know what the outcome of withdrawal of this med is.. I honestly worry.. I think you should wait until you speak to your pdoc about it.. I know suffering through side effects are awful.. But I'm sure that your pdoc could safely get you off this med..

How many are you supposed to be taking at night.. I understand wanting off this med asap..But it will take time and it sounds like a timeline has been set.. Hopefully your wbc will go down once your off..I'm sure it will..being nervous is understandable.. I assure you that you did nothing illegal.. They had the info they needed and acted accordingly.. Try to relax.. I know you're going through a lot and it's stressful.. But I really doubt they are going to report you.. You did nothing wrong..

I realized that I texted her office number.. I'm so out of it.. I ramble on text messages too..I try to keep them brief..But sometimes it's hard when my mind is scrambled.. Getting stuck in the wrong year scares me..it happens often.. It's like I'm living a different life that I can't come out of without convincing.. I physically feel a shift..it's bizarre and hard to explain.. I'm still unsure if I will bring up the financial status.. But will definitely tell her symptoms I'm experiencing..

My pdoc still hasn't texted me back.. It's making me paranoid that she doesn't want to help me or doesn't believe me.. I lately feel like everyone is against me.. I'm feeling all sorts of messed up trying my best to hold on.. Days just go by.. Yesterday I couldn't remember what year it was.. I thought it was 2009.. I often get confused..lost.. Am I just going to progressively deteriorate until I'm gone..

It could be that you're just not getting mail.. Often we don't get mail.. So try not to worry too much about it.. I understand the way you're feeling towards the situation.. But there are days that people just don't get mail.. And I get wanting to be on less meds.. It's worth a try.. You can always go back..

I'm sorry the Zyprexa isn't helping.. Maybe you need an increase in dose..something to talk to your pdoc about.. Or a different med.. I've done things in my past that make me feel afraid of cops..even though I'm doing nothing illegal.. I'm hopeful that you can get through this..