coraline

I'm getting worried..

I paid for my renewal of my hairstylist licence in the beginning of the month..

I called the number to see why I haven't received it..

They said it's a 4 week delay on the recording..

But there is a question about criminal history and I have to disclose that..

I hope I'm not getting my license taken away..

It's never happened before..

I'm really paranoid..

Gonna go see star wars today..rather than gym..

Way too mentally exhausted from nami meeting yesterday...

Hopefully I can handle this outing..

Bailey goes to the vet today to get his labs done to check his levels of calcium and phosphorus..

I'm so worried as usual that he's not ok..

It freaks me out that I'm doing his meds wrong every day..

I really hope he's ok..

I know it's a matter of adjusting his doses  if the results are bad..but it still makes me scared..

I wish he didn't have this condition..

I feel bad for him..

I have been communicating with the universe to protect him and heal him..

He means so much to me..

He is one of the constants that brings me to reality..

my hairstylist licence expires in March..

I keep it valid so I can continue buying professional products to do my aunties and moms hair..

Plus I worked damn hard to get it..

I tried renewing it online and they said I can't be found in their records..

Even though they sent me a notice to renew it..

And I swear I renewed it online last time..

I'm so stressed..paranoid..

Now I have to go in the actual office..

Ugh..

They also ask about criminal background..

If you've committed a crime within the last 10 years..which I have..

They want documents..I hope they still have them on file..I burned all of them..

I'm not in the mood for any of this..

It's really freaking me out..

I am so screwed up in the head from watching a show called..

Don't F!@$# with cats..on Netflix with my mom..

I am just terrified..

I can't do anything to get it out of my head..

I feel damaged..

It won't stop..

My mind is not mine..

I have my pdoc appointment today..

I'm going to tell her about how I felt distant from reality and thinking that people were part of a program at the gym..

 I am going to tell her that the thought of the yard being contaminated is back..

I am going to tell her about how I want to tell the guy at gym that I am paranoid of everything..

I am still on the fence about telling her about how I have thoughts of wanting to die..

I'm wondering if I should tell her about how when my mom and I were fighting in the car how I wanted to jump out of the moving car..

I really want to quit smoking..

It's been on my mind for months..

I can't stand how it's affecting my health..

I just don't know if now is a good time since I'm struggling so much..

I'm not even sure how to go about it..

I'm so hooked on it that it seems impossible..

I'm losing it..

I feel invaded..

There's a plumber here that's installing faucets that's been here all day..

Bailey had to stay in his house because he can't be in the way..

I needed him but I am suspicious of this guy and didn't  want to leave my mom alone with him..

He did finally finish our side but is now working on our neighbors/renters side..

I let Bailey out finally..

But the guy came over looking for lost parts and Bailey wanted to attack him..

Bailey is normally a friendly doggie..so I'm even more afraid..

My mom now had to take a trip to the home parts store..

I'm freaking out..

He's in the driveway and I feel like I'm trapped..

There's also roofing going on next door and every time I go outside for a cigarette..

I think they are talking about me and laughing..

I am scared that they are contaminating the yard so I fear for Bailey...

I will only take him out on his harness..

I'm a wreck today..