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daisymama

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About daisymama

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    daisymama

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    Edmonton
  1. Hello everyone. Just wondering if anyone else out there has to make every appointment for the afternoon or night because they constantly worry about it. Sometimes it used to be, if I had to get up at 11:00 a.m. I thought, "Oh shit, I'll have to get up around 9:30 a.m. and I'll be really tired if I can't fall asleep quickly-- or do fall asleep quickly and am still really tired--because I have to do my hair (somewhat), make-up, and the general "getting ready". For years now I have been nervous about , "what if I'm tired tomorrow?" When I have to go somewhere?? I don't get nervous if I know I'm staying home. It's gotten to the point where noon appointments made me nervous now 1p.m. makes me nervous. I feel better if its 2:00 p.m. or later. I've cancelled appointments because when I got up in the morning I felt too exhausted and just made up an excuse. I am sick of kind of being afraid of mornings...I remember as a kid I used to like getting up early and watch cartoons or play. I had an operation on my wrist where they had to remove one bone and fuse 4 other bones together.....I am really angry about this and get all riled up if I talk about it because I have arthritis now and it really f'ing hurts. I'm nervous that I'll never be the same again. I used to do yoga and pilates and I can't do a lot of the exercises or poses (forget about downward dog).....then I remind myself that people go through way tougher things than me (cancer, amputation, burns) then I feel really shitty. I so f'ing mad at myself, at my injury, at being obsessed....there isn't a forum for anger but I wish there was. I guess I'm obsessed about the amount of motion I've lost forever in my wrist. I want to stop but I can't. Whenever I try to rationalize it, it just comes back. I feel so fucking mixed up lately that I can't fall asleep because I can't stop thinking.....sometimes I wish I could sleep all day and when other people around me are hyper or just have more energy I get annoyed.....I know its a shitty thing to do...but I'm just being honest. Any one struggling with similar things???
  2. I find that I have a new symptom and it scares the hell out of me--I have very shallow breathing...noticed this the last couple of days and I have a puffer but didn't feel like it helped that much...only thing I can do is CONVINCE myself it helps. - head is very itchy - derealisation/depersonalization - awful thoughts of hurting my precious cat (feel so guilty) - thoughts of hurting sister (cause she lives with me but is my best friend (again, feel guilty) -THAT'S NOT ME, I WOULDN'T HURT THEM---STUPID DOUBTING TORTURES ME THOUGH - can't sleep at nights because of continuous thoughts of guys I used to like and how I let them treat me like shit - restless, just want to lie in bed and sleep - feel guilty because I know I can't have a job the way I am now - wish I had more talents -scared at sounds in the house and never used to be -totally understand VERDANT CHaos and when very anxious, feel flat-footed and step heavy on my heels, dizzy at same time (Mom says go for a walk....if only she knew how awful this feels) -sweats/chills -nauseous -want to go on computer to pinterest then when I get to computer, don't know what I'll type -obsessed about my cat, is she bored, is she healthy, don't know what I'd do without her stomach growls/diarrhea HELP! What do other people do? Any advice would be welcome!!!
  3. Thank-you for the replies...to Jessamine I am 39. And to Phoenix_Rising, I tried wring it down and I've also tried going to my room and saying it very quietly out loud and (feel so stupid) but I actually say her 'part' of the "conversation" ...saying what I think would most likely calm my ocd... that usually puts it off for a bit, sometimes not even for a bit. I've never done drugs but I swear, I feel like the compulsions are as strong as heroin. I've been okay lately and we are getting along but having said that, I am really nervous that I sabotaged it (I''m very superstitious at times).
  4. I haven`t been on here for a long time...my doc had raised my dose at least a year ago and Ive been on luvox 150mg in morning and 150mg at bedtime. He made a mistake and accidentally put on the bottle to take 200mg in morning and 200mg at night. I have been very anxious lately because I am recovering from surgery on my hand(been very painful and at times start panicking because I know I will never have full extenton of my wrist because they had to remove a bone, arthritis had set in due to a fall and having it not looked at right away because I thought it was a sprain) anyway it`s been many months now and every now and then I worry that my hand will never b the same. I have been having anxiety attacks because of that and having to leave the house more often to go 4 physio for my wrist. BUT the reason Im really here is because I am having stupid thoughts that don`t make sense again and if I don`t tell my twin sis I can`t stand the anxiety that will follow until I eventually DO tell her. This makes her very angry at me and she says I don`t even TRY not to tell her and i`m ashamed to admit that i`m so scared of the severe anxiety that comes if I don`t tell her, I just spit it out and pray that she`ll just let it go...which usually isn`t the case. She has very bad nerves too and I only make it worse for her. I have tried to write down these thoughts, tell my Mom instead or even, alone in my room, whisper what I would say and what she`d say then i``d say that it`s ok. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT.... This time, we were watching a scary movie and I thought it would scare her if I made a really scary laugh out of the blue...but I DIDN`T WANT to scare her...so being really fucked up, I thought if I TOLD her I was going to do the laugh, I wouldn`t actually have to DO the laugh. I told her and she saw right thru the fact that it was still an ocd thing and was pissed off but let it go.....OF COURSE MY MIND couldn't let it go and I did a scary laugh anyway. I SOOOOOO MAD AT MYSELF, AND SO IS SHE. She said that I planned on doing the laugh anyway....IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE NO CONTROL....I FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE ITS BAD ENOUGH I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH OCD, WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE HER LIFE WORSE TOO....We both suffer from major depression too and she thinks i`m doing it to b mean....I`M NOT...she doesn`t understand, even though she has ocd tendencies. I have full blown ocd and I don`t want to live with it anymore....its like cruel punishment being born this way...very depressed I hate myself for not being able to just think things and leave my twin in peace....I really hate myself right now
  5. Thank-you all for making me less nervous!!! The doctor just called and he will put me on the dose that we had ORIGINALLY planned-- 150mg in the morning and 150mg at night. He was really nice, he wasn't mad. I just had so many bad experiences with OTHER doctors and didn't want it to happen with him. I can't believe I was taking 500mg a day of luvox...I hope I won't feel really nauseas going down to 300mg a day. I hope it still helps with my ocd, the 500mg was helping but there were a few things that triggered it every once in a while. My twin that lives with me also noticed I was better for ocd. Hope to God 300mg helps with the ocd (mostly obsessions--and damn songs I sing over and over in my head, or think of something mean about someone that is really nice to me and feel like saying it even though it's not true). What's the highest any of you have been on luvox?
  6. I figured out how I screwed up...I was thinking in mg and I was taking 250mg and I thought he was doubling my dose but he was really just upping it to 300mg a day!! I just phoned again and asked that he PLEASE phone me on his lunch break (12-1p.m.) because I think I was taking the wrong dose for a medication and now I ran out of the medication....I am really nervous because I'm always worried that people don't take me seriously, esp. authority figures. I hope I can explain it because sometimes I have trouble thinking of the right words...actually it happens all the time for me. Even simple words. I really hope he gives me 2 more refills, like he was planning because it would really be out of the way and bring me down to have a doctor's visit RIGHT before Christmas. There are so many nervous triggers as it is having lost some family members and it being hard without them. I DO REALIZE IT WAS ME THAT SCREWED UP, but I hope I don't have to see him right at Christmas...
  7. Oh my God!!!! My doctor and I discussed increasing my luvox for depression and ocd. I was supposed to go from 1 and 1/2 pills to once a day to 1 and 1/2 pills TWICE A DAY. I have really been having trouble concentrating and understanding things so instead of the dose we agreed upon, I thought, "Right, so I double the last dose I was on...for some fucked up reason, I thought that meant taking 2 and 1/2 pills TWICE a day. I didn't even question it....I really believed I was following the right directions. But I looked at my bottle when it came time that I was running out of pills and I thought, "Shit, they put 1 and 1/2 pills ONCE a day...either the doctor or the pharmacy screwed up (which they did, I was supposed to take that dose TWICE a day, so I would have run out early anyway but I majorly FUCKED UP.....it just always seemed like the right dose when it was in my hand...I feel like I'm going crazy!!! HOW COULD I HAVE MADE SUCH A STUPID MISTAKE????
  8. Thank-you for your replies...it helps to know that I'm not alone in OCD....it's hell when it's bad but thank God for the times that it doesn't rule your life.
  9. I forgot to mention, could the scary shows have triggered the violent thoughts? Also my cat has been meowing a lot lately and I've been worried that she's bored but it snowed outside and it hurts her paws to be out when its so cold. Could the persistent meowing caused bad thoughts that normal people would forget about but an ocd person can't? PLEASE READ MY ABOVE POST, I NEED YOUR HELP!!!
  10. Hi. I've been on luvox for about 8yrs. or so (so many meds, hard to remember) and it's worked best for my ocd, has really been a life-saver. But now I noticed more ocd thoughts, and compulsion is mostly to tell someone, or touching things and repeating other people. So my doctor doubled my dose of luvox from 150mg in morning to 150mg in morning and 150mg at night. I was to try this for a month and if it got better, he would would keep me at that dose but try the luvox cr (slow release) which I asked for because some people say it works better for them. It's 3/4 of the way through the month and my sis and I have this tradition of watching scary shows for Halloween month. We always put up decorations and it used to cause a lot of anxiety but it wasn't as bad so I thought, maybe the increase is helping me. But now I am having violent thoughts...I'm so ashamed. Its about my cat and I don't know WHAT I'd do without her, yet I think of violent thoughts...its terrible but I thought, what if her eyes were stapled shut or I snapped her neck. You have to realize that I don't know how I would go on without her but these FUCKED UP thoughts make me feel so bad. I think about snapping other peoples neck too, just to see the expression of horror or disbelief because they didn't do anything wrong to me to deserve that. Like my sis. She is my best friend and if she died, I wouldn't want to live anymore. HAS ANYONE HAD INCREASED OBSESSIONS WHEN FIRST INCREASING THEIR MEDICATION DOSE? I feel so guilty and bad for thinking of these thoughts that come back whenever they want to. I HATE IT. CAN ANYONE RELATE? PLEASE HELP!!!
  11. I have had ocd since I was a child, although the obsessions and compulsions have changed or gone away only to return later or are replaced by new obsession/compulsions, my OCD had been HELL, HELL, HELL. When I was in high school, I had this compulsion to look at my face in the mirror, but it had to be in a certain way, like start at my eyes, then my cheeks my smile and then end with eyes and the overall look of face and hair. If I accidentally looked at the "wrong" thing last I would have to do this all over again, sometimes this took up to 20 minutes all the while, having my obsession (which I still have) got to go to sleep, WHAT IF I'M TIRED IN THE MORNING. The "what if I'm tired in the morning" still plagues me. Sometimes I dread going to sleep at night, because I HAVE to read some of the book I'm reading at the time, I have to say my prayers (4 prayers, in a certain order and if I forget the words, I have to say them again), and then sometimes I have to (don't laugh) sing Christmas carols because otherwise I will think of everything that bothers me. I have a VERY hard time to STOP THINKING. I don't know what to attribute this to but I can't do anything spontaneous because I get anxiety attacks. So, although my compulsions are different, there are some I MUST do every night before sleep. I hope it helps knowing other people have what they consider "weird things" they have to at bed too. Hang in there.
  12. Hi everyone! Does anyone else have this problem--whenever it starts to get hot outside (even though I stay inside almost all the time) I feel like I'm going crazy. Last night I was sitting on the couch and it felt like the nerves were jumping under the skin of my arms. I don't "feel like me"....its a strange and crazy feeling. I don't know how to make it through the days when its warm...almost everyone loves the heat in summer and that's just another fucking reason why I'm different than everyone else. I feel like I did when I was very slowly trying to wean myself off my pills and try a holistic or "health food store" approach. The withdrawal made me feel like I didn't know how to get through hour to hour...I didn't feel like being around anyone, didn't want to talk on the phone, didn't even feel like explaining it to my Mom because she doesn't have these problems and she is nice about it but she doesn't understand it. I feel like dissociation (I think that's what its called when you don't feel like your inside your own body. I just want to sleep all the time but I can't because its too hot and I can't stop thinking (Generalized thoughts, GAD) and obsessive thoughts because I think of one thing and its like a broken record that keeps skipping. So does anyone feel like they are going crazy when its hot outside? or have more anxiety in the heat??? Please help!!
  13. What do you say when you are meeting someone (esp. on a dating site) and they ask you what you do for a living--but you are unemployed because of my social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder (with panic attacks)? It seems to always be the first question asked.
  14. Feeling sentimental....you get to a point in your life when all the people and places you visited as a child aren't there anymore. It's sad, its like you can't go home anymore because your child-hood home has a different family living in it. You can't visit your Grandma because she has passed and some one else is living in her house (feels wrong). You can't visit your Dad or your Uncle in the nursing home or Pembina Lodge because they've passed away, their rooms belong to someone else now. So not only do you lose the people that you loved, you lose the places where you shared so many memories.
  15. I am wondering if others of you are like this. I am embarrassed and ashamed to admit it but I wish I didn't have to have a shower or brush my teeth, wash my hair, the whole bit. I actually get nervous if I know I'm going somewhere (because for sure I'll have to do all of these, I wouldn't leave the house otherwise). Is it caused by depression, because I don't really hear of it. Oh and its gotten worse since I've had major surgery and it hurts to move. If you are like me what do you do???
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