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BorderlineChick

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About BorderlineChick

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  1. I just wanted to make sure I thanked everyone again, for all the very helpful replies & for being so understanding & supportive.I have not been able to write much because I'm feeling really drained & there's just too much, to soak in all at once. I just want to let you guys know that I'm reading everything & plan on writing more as soon as I feel up to it.Thank you,thank you,thank you!!!!
  2. I'm not sure if it's me being hyper sensitive or if a few people here are just irritated with me? I am a little hurt by the "over rehearsed" comment but oh well.I'll take the abuse since this place has been so helpful for the most part. I wanted to add one thing,that I feel may be important to ask if it seems "normal"... or should I say "healthy"... for a therapist to say-- When I was confessing all of this to my Tdoc today,I was so embarrassed & I was acting sort of like a child.I covered my eyes with my hands so that I wouldn't have to look at him.I asked him if I could just write down the details in a note & leave it with him because it was so hard for me to tell him.He said he thinks "it's better if I say it in the room so we could process it". Here's the thing I'm questioning- When I told him that I was ashamed of myself for everything.His response was "Why?Why are you ashamed of being able to pleasure yourself?" Like really? Is that an inappropriate response? I would think he would understand that I was ashamed of telling him the explicit details & ashamed that I know it's morally wrong to post nude pics on the internet & to be an exhibitionist (I could get in legal trouble for exposing my body in public,for crying outloud) I explained why I was shamed (what I just wrote-and told him all the other reasons & he just couldnt understand why I felt so embarrased) Is that a "healthy" therapists' response?
  3. I feel so guilty! I also feel like I drank a gallon of truth serum tonight so,here goes my confession... I'm really sorry to say this but, I created second account on here because, I was paranoid that my Tdoc was spying on my internet shenanigans.To "throw him off my trail" - I thought this would work.You guys may be able to guess who I am but if not, & if you're curious, pm me & I'll tell you. & I think I'm going to retire BorderlineChick as soon as I come to a conclusion on the post I started in the therapy section.I feel so much better for admitting that.I apologize & thanks again,for this wonderful place.
  4. Thank you guys for all of the support & great input. I told him.Told him everything. It was so excruciating, sitting there, looking into his eyes,telling him everything-giving up all my "power" & not being able to get the instant gratification of knowing how he really feels. If nothing else, I feel like I'm doing all I can do to be honest in my therapy.I told him the explicit details of my overly sexual behaviors these past few weeks.Told him exactly what I do (it's extremely sexual & embarrasing) and told him my intentions of trying to possibly balance out the "power" by hoping to make him think about me, as much as I think about him.I told him I was really turned on by the thought of him maybe looking at my pics & I asked him if he did & even said "I'm sure you wouldnt tell me even if you did" but, atleast I know I can never do it again(post again on that site)now that I've told him all the details. I hate that I tell him everything! I feel like I give him all the inner workings to my brain & then I can't use the things I tell him to my advantage.Anyway-I am so glad I got that out & thanks again for the great discussion.I know I can't talk to anyone in real life about all of this. ETA-Vanderk, can you please elaborate on the splitting? I'm so curious? I am trying to be more aware of myself.Thank you!
  5. Wow! Some of you have no clue what having BPD is like. I don't think I'm an asshole so I take it some people on here are being extremely judgemental, closed minded & accusing me of things I am not.When I was guessing the reasoning behind my thinking...it was just that...a guess! I'm just trying to learn about my motives,behaviors & impulses & learn from them. How am I being an asshole or manipulative or self serving? How am I hurting my Tdoc? I never stuck a gun up to his head & ordered him to look for the pictures.I highly doubt he even seen the pictures but- even if he did see them -how would I be hurting him? (Serious question?!) If he did see them (which I doubt) that would mean he was looking for them. Thanks to the people who actually had informative & supportive advice.
  6. I did it.I don't know how I feel about it.Kind of relieved,kind of regretful
  7. I think my reasoning behind this thinking is not that I expect our relationship to change,if he thought of me,I just want him to feel the loss of not being able to be my friend/lover,the way I feel.I am sad about that & I want him to feel sad about it too.I want him to long for me,the way I long for him.I guess I have an eye for an eye mentality? And also-FlyingGuineaupig,no need to apologize.I thought you had a pretty valid point about me wanting validation from him.I just wanna know he is attracted to me.I don't really expect anything to happen,I just wanna know I'm good enough. Thanks for mentioning that my pics are out in cyber space forever Titania.I do realize that & I have moments that I think of the consequences but I sometimes can't help myself.I will try! The thing that resonated with me is that you say I still am setting myself up for rejection,because even if he does look,I will never really know.It's the thought that he MAY look,that's really tempting me.
  8. Well I got through the night without posting the pics but I'm still tempted.The thing is,I don't care if other people see. I actually get aroused by the thought of other people seeing my pics.Plus I never show my face so no one would know it's me,except Tdoc cause I told him I have been doing it.
  9. Hello! I just thought I should introduce myself.I have been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder & Bipolar.Realizing that my self diagnosis suspicions were right, has been a real reality check & an eye opening experience.Everything makes sense to me now. I am so thirsty for knowledge & the queen of googling shit, & that's how I discovered this site.I have been lurking here for a while & am now just dipping my toes into the cess pool because, I have not been able to find any info on a particularly interesting topic (interesting to me anyway) so I started up my own topic about it. Thanks for having me BorderlineChick
  10. Thanks for the response & the link.I have actually already read that blog & yes,it is a good one. I have a feeling I want to seduce him so that I can level out the power dynamic between us.I think I want him to be attracted to me & I want to be on his mind and just as important to him, as he is to me. I have told him that too. It just kills me that we can never be friends,lovers,nothing. I am still tempted to post the pictures but having this forum is calming the urge a little.Thanks for having me here my fellow nutters.I have been reading quite alot about transference & I think I have a good grasp of it.I just can't help but have this extreme urge to make him aroused.I want him to think of me when I'm not around
  11. I am so tempted to post naked pics of myself onto a website that I told him I post on.He knows I am attracted to him & I find myself wanting to seduce him bad.I told him details about my sexual turn ons & he seems to really get into hearing me talk about it.Right now I want to post more pics on the website because I have a feeling he will be looking for them.
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