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Everything posted by Schizophrenic_Sanity

  1. Flat and lacking in purpose because the lines crossed out.
  2. I can relate, for probably a few similar reasons. Non MI people, I go right over their heads and it’s not their fault because they can’t get it, they aren’t capable off the top of. Table door that was. It’s kind of complicated. My “delusions” have ripped a lot of friendships to shreds and honestly it’s half of why I’m afraid to even try now because I don’t want someone else other than me to fall prey to my disease. I didnt quit anticipate the off point score but I did know I mean I noticed the dear beginning. There was something else I wanted to say but my thought is gone dropped out so I’ll leave this here and sorry I’m a bit scattered this afternoon... xxx
  3. It’s hot and humid here but it might rain I hope it does that helps the heat.
  4. Hey everyone, I heard from melli. She's going into the hospital and she asked me to let you all know. She's okay.
  5. I'm so glad you're still here. Please go in, you know I don't say that lightly, you need the extra help right now.
  6. I'm so sorry my friend. I can relate so much to the what else is there because yes, when you're on all the right stuff and doing all the things it still isn't enough and you wonder what the point of it all is... I hear you, I see you... and your small girl needs you, there is no replacing you. Please go to the hospital if it's still this bad by the time you see this. I love you. x
  7. I go back and forth with it, I still haven't been able to fully accept it. I have times of wanting to discontinue meds (again) except now? I'm too scared because of a horrific thing I did last time I discontinued and... The lack of choice really eats at me. It feels like a saw blade inside my chest of holy fuck there's no escape. It's hard not to panic and get lost in that. My life is ruined and looking at that, I can only do it in pieces. Because looking at the big picture? Shitfuck it's overwhelming. How much I can accept depends on a lot and it fluctuates. Right now I'm more accepting of it just because I've been... Having trouble with catatonia, more than what's normal and, wow that's a fucked up normal and I don't want to accept that Ativan is prolly the only reason I'm reachable enough to write a few words about this here. Acceptance honestly terrifies me, I can't explain why because ugh the words are slipping away like sand between my fingers but, just wanted to add a couple of thoughts since I didn't want to not reply to this as it's important. I'm thinking of you melli and I'm always here if you need a friend. x
  8. I'm sorry my friend. You know how much I can identify with these pieces and all together it's this puzzle we call schizophrenia and it's hell on earth and I hate that you suffer so much with it all. I understand and I'm here, you can always reach out to me if you need a friend. I wish I had more answers, I wish there was something, something that would get easier if the illness is accepted as it is... And I know getting there is so hard, and it's torment... And I'm sorry, I hate this for your sake. Know I'm always thinking of you and rooting for you. You're a great person and an amazing friend and that? That's you, you're a person underneath all this crap and I see you and I care about you very much. You aren't alone here in this place. I'm here in this darkness too. x
  9. Oh melli dear friend, I'm so sorry this is going on. I know the struggle so well and I know this place of being battered and tattered from the voices and all their shit and, I also know that you can get through this. You've been through hell, and you're still here fighting this disease. You can keep fighting. I know you can, and I know that this struggle, while it'll prolly always be there, I believe in you and your ability to rise above the voices' collective shit and do what you need to do here. You know how to reach me if you need a chat, for motivation or support or anything else. Much love and I'm rooting for you and I'll always believe in you. You can do this. x
  10. It depends for me, it depends on how unwell I am among other things. When I’m floridly psychotic I have no spoons because all of my focus and energy is wrapped up in that and I stop functioning at all unless it relates to the florid and that isn’t functioning that’s dysfunction in what should be function and... shit I lost my train of thought. I think I have somewhere around seven spoons, to take care of my basic basic basic needs. About theee go to that or four if I have to take a shower or something else more complicated. Going out of my house for any reason takes at least five spoons so if I want to leave the house for some reason? I have to spend days getting ready to be public ready because that takes up all my spoons for self care and taking meds and all the rest that I do while home and not engaging with the outside world. Writing a blog post or something takes one spoon or so, it depends. Doing the talking to people thing depends on how often I talk to them and how I talk to them. Texting is one thing, takes half a spoon to a spoon and a phone call takes about two generally. This is is kind of hard for me to articulate but I tried. And stress can easily use up my spoons for any given day. Depends on the stress. x
  11. You and I have already chatted about this elsewhere but I wanted to say that to the point about bristling at the actual phrase “major self mutilation” is where I’m at with it too. Like yes I’m horrified by what I’ve done in the past but... technically, I mean I never, well I never amputated anything or what have you but... I think for me my self evisceration thing three years ago, put me in that category and I know we talked some about “that category” and how thinking about that can fuck with your head and... I feel you. You’re definitely not a psychopath. You’re one of the kindest, most empathetic, and most honest people I’ve ever met and I know you have emotions even though they don’t show on the outside because of the flattened affect thing. I hope your day is going well and that you’re feeling more at ease about all of this, know I’m thinking of you and here if you need to be chatty or just need a friend. x oh! Edited to add that yes, the normalizing it... because I get used to it too, which yes I know intellectually that’s a horrifying thing to get used to but at the same time, what else am I or you supposed to do? I know you do know how grave the situation is otherwise I doubt you would be talking about it so honestly here and elsewhere. You know it’s a big deal, even if a normalized one. The emotional disconnect, we both know it’s common for schizophrenics and, I don’t think that’s a reflection on your character or who you are as a person anymore than it is with me. You’re not a bad person, you have an illness and that’s not your fault. Second edited to add: I don’t think it’s dissociation for you either. It’s not for me. It’s a different kind of disconnect than dissociation is in my opinion. xxx
  12. I'm just wondering because well, I'm not really sure and I never have gotten a full explanation of how that works... Because for me it's not as clear cut as it is for some others I don't think.. I mean yes, I know that I'm sick and I take meds religiously because Zyprexa is literally why I'm at all coherent for any portion of time and, well disorganization is one of my prominent features but I'm also wondering what else is going on because I was... Well a therapist was basically fucking with my head for three years and even my psychiatrist agreed that said therapist was full of shit, even though our opinions on why she was a piece order of shit kind of varied carried in well it differed... The point is that I asked to see what my diagnosis was, and my psychiatrist let me see and... Well yes the schizophrenia diagnosis was there but also, well they're still loosely using the subtypes thing at least in my region and, she put down paranoid type and I was wondering how she got that because I don't talk much about myself ... I don't trust easily and maybe that's part of why I got the paranoid specifier... (?) Okay so my main question is: how do they, as in professionals, determine what your most prominent features are? I'm primarily asking about schizophrenia here but hey if you've got another disorder that has "types" and have some insight about how this works feel free to chime in. Thanks for reading if you did and I hope this made sense!
  13. Alive and just not knowing how to exist I keep getting smaller and more insignificant because the windows my sanity was kept in keep breaking apart and it’s all just kindness of fucked now. But I still check here sometimes. Hard to read the stuff I try though. Hope you’re all as well as bells!
  14. If you can, consider getting a second opinion. The other people who posted are right, these meds take awhile to fully kick in.
  15. thhe stariting [oint sd dsldk I din’d t know the nothing of. What whell the overwhelming thoguths months go by years decades gone and I’m stuck with it all it’s just therein a moot conception of the thought that I am collapsed in that she wants me to be just like her toxic toxic toxic I have a thing with threes you know but I’m losing the point which is , I’m not doing well.. I don’t feel good, ew. Just ick. if only I had gave her a chance to be in what. The emojo skdl aki it’s sdo coccccmm sd skka oidsin innnns dfjkd I can’ do this aymore skjl dsal isn’t useless that ‘s lcls iensk aj oit can’ came to me in ad ream dktl to telling me to the yeah that was it I guess they’re tyring to destroy it all destroy me I can’ treally see it but I’m collapsing like I can feel I tsort of and this was well that’s embarrassing I guess at eth wlke yeh the cause what sk it eh a it cam eos dk eya sdkls this is ht enew normal that the new normal should be banned and burned that is exceptional to he hearing the gender issue this year April 27, 2017 that was crazy I can’t be crazy it’s always ther he’s always there love with the devil lucifer if anyone knew that o oh holy shit not good but everyone know s the parasdoskjl spara adsljks know about it and this isd just shit i tried to make this make sense and i think. Miserable fail. i hate this shit!
  16. the question is in the title. like confused about every single damn thing, like Having to know lwha where th to end the tuckcing sneteince and shit. Wait that came out wrong fuck. Okay, is anyone confused by like, day to day life things? Like, I literally get too confused to take a shower, or other things like cleaning my bathroom or what have you. Like, my mind splinters apart. I can't explain it but it's disorienting. I'm back here mostly because I have got to tstop isolating myself so much, I'm barely a month out of the hospital so there's that. Hi everyone.
  17. I'm super late as I'm always super late replying sto posts that actually I can answer but so whatever.. do you actually believe your "symptoms" are the result of your brain-mind and it not working properly in a medical sense. And why? I know that's what OTHER PEOPLE think. I know that my psychiatrist thinks that I have a diagnosis of schizophrenia in the medical sense of my brain/mind whatever it is not working correctly. I get that objectively people beleive this but the thing is I just can't beleive it. Sometimes I can say yes I have schizophrenia tb but then n o even then I still am just saying it, I don't believe it still. Like I get that it's a label that describes how I perceive the world/peoplem how I think and feel so on and so forth. It's like yes the word applies when I'm the closests I ever get to lucid but/// even then I just can't because it's bullshit used to make me look like a horrible evil liar not to b trstut4d at all and it's bullshi but tht's noyher topic) It's part denial when I'm sort of lucid and most of the time it's that big words that starts with an a for a total lack of insight. Like my best friend answering a question I asked about it and she said she's never seen me completely free of psychosis which. that hurt but, it was true. Lines up with what my psyhiatrist says and what my therapist sayts all the time that I'm not well I'm not functioning blah blah. I'm hiding because I'm scared. How is that dysfunctional? I have reasons I do the things I do, say the things I say... what is objectively wrong with seeing the world in a way others don't? Nothing in and of itself but then your views clash wit other peoples and they say stuff like you're sick, dysfunctional, psychotic, hallucinating, delusional, need to be in a hospital so I don't kill the sentient being I reside in or harm others but they don't understand that's the reality of it, it's all violence and stuff in the end. Sorry, I went off on a tagent which that alone is literally nothing knew.
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