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ripping stiches

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  1. Thank you guys so much. This is so encouraging. Since this posting, it's been a month, I have certainly turned over a new leaf!!! Several! I am flourishing at my new job, been promoted, and have found a confidence I never knew was there until now. I have been in DBT for 8 months now, and it's been such a journey, but can definitely see a difference in how I process emotions and react to stressful situations. I recently told my psychiatrist that I'm probably the most "normal" and balanced I have been since childhood. Of course, there's a lot of work to still be done, but it's incredible to see homework and journals from the past that show a bit of insight into how much more fulfilling my life is now
  2. Background story: broke up with CRAZY boyfriend around Thanksgiving. He had schizoid bipolar and was not wanting to be in treatment. One of the last things he said to me was, "No one one but me can handle all your crazy sh*t." There is a guy at work, two years older, that has admitted to me that he likes me but wants to take things slow and be friends for the time being since both of us just got out of serious relationships. We hang out every once in a while after work. Problem is, when he told me he liked me and we exchanged numbers, I went BPD crazy. "YOU LIKE ME?! YAY!!! YOU'RE WONDERFUL! I LOVE YOUR HUGS! LETS HANG OUT EVERY DAY." So of course, he freaked out and began to distance himself. We actually talked about it and he said I was being overwhelming. I have been in DBT for about 8 months now, which has helped SO much with dealing with these types of situations. So I did freak out for a day but was able to check the facts, call down, and realize that how I was behaving was really not how I wanted things to go. I don't need or want a relationship right now! I just got out of a horrible 1 1/2 of guilt-driven drinking because he made me feel horrible about who I am. But this new guy hasn't looked anything up, even though he knows I'm in treatment. He says he wants to get to know me, as a friend first. We're going out for drinks tomorrow. How, as someone recovering with BPD, do you guys navigate through a new relationship when it's already been established that you like the person but really don't intend to become intimate and committed right away? I mean... for at least several months?
  3. Do you all think there is a way of "getting over" BPD? Is there a "better"? I broke up with my bipolar schizod boyfriend which was a huge reason I wasn't getting any better and was unable to use skills. I've been in DBT for 6 months now. I also had to switch therapists since my original had to leave the DBT program (which obviously was a huge let down). But with this new therapist, it's as if I am turning over a new leaf. Do you guys think there can be a "new leaf" and a new phase of BPD of "recovery"? I recently finished the book by Rachel Reiland (which is so uplifting, by the way). She was able to 'recover.' But it is hard to imagine. What are you thoughts on "recovery"?
  4. Sorry guys..... I had been taking lexapro 10mg about 6 years ago and had to go on birth control because my periods were either really heavy or practically non-existent. My doctor and psychiatrist thought it was because of the malnutrition from bulimia. However, I just started taking lexapro again after about 5 years and for the last two months, with 20 mg, my periods have been practically non-existent or really, really short, like 2 days, when normally it's about 4 or 5 days and quite normal. Think I should bring this up with my psychiatrist? Maybe I'm making this up in my head... I don't know. It just seems really weird. ps. I did have a couple days in the middle of my cycle where I forgot to take my meds, but it's never influenced that much. But maybe that could be the problem...?
  5. Yeah, I can text her and call her whenever I want. I actually completely forgot that I wrote this post. But obviously, it was because I was drunk out of my mind. I have since talked to her about it and that I am scared of the future. My minimum 6 months is up in January. I think that is the most disappointing thing. I have a great support in my Mom. My boyfriend has schizoid bipolar, so he isn't always.... present. I completely agree that pushing it away is never good. It seems to make it worse. It comes back to you and hits you harder. Radical acceptance is kind of the biggest skill to use right now. What else can there be other than just accepting? No matter how desperate I become, she is still leaving. AND it has nothing to do with ME. That's what I have to keep reminding myself
  6. My DBT therapist is leaving in December. When she told me this in our session, I dissassociated and said something like, "Ok, that's alright. I can just pick up where we left off with the therapist you chose of me." But at the same time, I feel as if this was NOT was I was truly feeling. I AM SO ANGRY that she is leaving the DBT program and and angry that this is happening to me. WHY ME?!?!?!?! I have drank a six pack and a 22 oz bottle so far but am still so depressed about it. How do I deal with this????!?!?!?!
  7. I have a constant fear my boyfriend will leave me. Duh, isn't that BPD life? However, it's real. Really. He is schizoid-affective bipolar and right now, is completely drunk and psychotic and saying he's burning in hell. (this is all through text messages). I've had him enjoy scaring me with it. When he gets really psychotic, it's almost funny to him that I'm fearful of his craziness. I texted "Please stop." and he came back with "NO!! Now ur gonna listen to what its like 4 me to burn." Ugh... now I'm writing this all out, it just looks so bad. This isn't good for a relationship, is it? We understand each other but then our minds clash when we are both down (or up) and it's a complete mess and very scary for me. But I'm so scared of putting down my foot and saying "stop" because he's crazy. Like, literally, he just wants to go crazy and not come back. Am I really not worth anything to him? One day he'll say he fights every day for us and to stay sane because he wants to be with me. But then these days happen where it's like he enjoys going insane. My heart races and I feel so alone but like I can't tell anyone because everyone would tell me to break up with him. But I can't. I can't leave him.
  8. Where do I begin....? I have BPD, have been in DBT treatment for 3 months now and dealt horribly with my SO being bipolar. I'm doing a lot of hard work on myself and digging deep into places I've hidden so well in my mind in order to confront them and deal with those emotions. But my SO is bipolar, schizo-affective. He had a medium-sized psycho crazy episode for about a month and a half. We never really got back to what we were before because he is now angerier and more irritated by everything. Also, he thinks he can try experimental things, like smoking lots of pot, drinking until blacking out, and not taking his meds. So I'm dealing with his problems and trying to keep his positive energy up and the demons down. Also, he's been rejected for the local government clinic where the low of lows go because he's too much in debt to them. He also cannot pay private psychologists because he's unable to hold down a job and his parents are broke, being kicked out of their house, and his mom is just as neuortic as he can be. I'm also dealing with a huge shift in my family. I live with my parents (rocky relationship with my dad) and my dad has recently moved for a new job 5 hours away from where I live. I lost the one male figure that started all this shit and I need him here to help learn about DBT and BPD and understand me so we can maybe have a shot at a normal communicating relationship. I haven't cut for about 3 weeks, but I am so close now. Instead, I'm just constantly drinking. Starting around 2pm. My SO sent me a text that he thinks he's really far gone, wondering if people are demons, if the numbers and letters in street signs are given him signs, counting everything, needing to touch certain things (obviously, horrible OCD). I'm scared shitless. I'm loosing everything I had for support and then I feel horrible because I can help my SO with his own problems. What do I do??? If I say "let's take a break" he'd probably completely go off the deep end. His family is in denial and since he hasn't been hospitalized for a few years, they think he's "cured" or at least "better" so whenever he says that's he's not doing well, they laugh it off, literally. I can't just leave him without anything. But I feel like I'm gonna crack if I don't figure something else out asap.
  9. Yes, definitely. I was bulimic but came to a place where that wasn't working anymore and now cut to have the same feeling of control. It's scary though. Like, if I figure out how to not cut, then what behavior will take its place??
  10. I'm confused why you're using the word "mania." I don't really think it has a huge part in BPD. There can be times that feel like mania, but trust me, my boyfriend is bipolar and I've sure seen my fair share of that. I have BPD and have mania-type episodes but it has to do with your environment more or less than what your brain is doing. At least, this has been my experience with a bipolar loved one and my own personal experience with BPD. Bipolar and BPD are quite similar, but I think it mainly has to do with how much does your environment affect you? Do you stay up for nights on end and have extremely productive times and then have extremely low times? Do you "black out" at all or find yourself confused about what you were doing? Do you self-harm? How many times have you gone to the hospital? Do you ever feel like you have to self-harm or do something extreme to bring yourself back to reality? (This might be overwhelming, but if you find a good psychiatrist/psychologist, there'll be a lot of questions. Answer honestly.) Something that has helped me figure out what's happening is to write my experiences down. When my friend said "this isn't ok" did I accept it or flip out? If I woke up depressed but then got a text from my boyfriend about how much he loves me, my day suddenly flipped completely around.... etc. And honestly, everybody else is right, you don't necessarily NEED a diagnosis. But from what you're saying, it's almost like you want to be sick. And trust me, that's not a good place to be. Focus on treating symptoms, staying positive, and think of a life without anxiety. You will get there; with hard work, a good support system, a few falls, and some professional helping hands to get you back on your feet, you'll get to "normal" - where you're not paranoid/anxious about being "sick." PS.... don't keep researching. The more you look into things like this, the more crazy it makes you and the worse you feel about yourself. Just find a therapist. That's where you information needs to come from. Good luck
  11. I'm so glad you are aware of all of this. But that is only a bit of the battle. My boyfriend has bipolar and I have BPD, which can be quite similar. We have been together for a little over a year now and have definitely been through ups and downs. The greatest thing that has helped has been to communicate, which I can be horrible with. It's definitely a lot of work. I have been in DBT for almost a couple months now and it's already helping. If you are able to communicate and fully trust each other, I think it can work. But it sounds like both of you aren't ready for this. So, do the hard thing, and focus on yourselves. And seriously, push him to do therapy for at least a couple months. My boyfriend dropped out of therapy and it practically broke us apart because he wasn't working anymore. He finally turned around, and we have been working back toward fully connecting again. And just know that even with your emotional mind telling you irrational thoughts, like he hates me or I'm a bad person because he won't try, sometimes things go down and you feel distant. But you CAN get back on track. I know it seems a bit off topic, but sex is a huge part of this. As a BPD, I pushed for sex the first night we met. He, however, wanted to truly get to know me and decide if we were a good fit instead of jumping in feet first. It was a smart, smart move. Connect emotionally first because with BPD, sex can just be sex and becomes an act instead of making love and connecting intimately. At least, that's been my experience. Then I think if he doesn't want to have sex, he isn't attracted. And that's not true, sometimes it is, but it really isn't as much as you think. If he truly has impulsivity problems, I think you guys would have done it by now, regardless of feelings. So you're completely right: communication is number one, find a good therapist, keep aware of your symptoms, make sure you're keeping your impulses in check, and just ENJOY each other instead of focusing on all this chaos and negativity that can happen. If the timing truly was right, enjoy the beauty of it!! Good luck!! You can do it!
  12. I just started lexapro again, I used to take it about 7 years ago. I don't remember lots of weight gain. I lost weight actually while on it because it was to treat the anxiety for ending my eating disorder. I'm starting it again because the ativan is getting a bit addictive. I was really worried about weight gain. I was put on paxil about 5 years ago and gained 40 pounds. It was horrible, especially as one who has tried to beat bulimia. My doc said it won't cause extra weight gain. If you do gain weight, it's probably another problem, like your insulin problem. But I'm also on wellbutrin, which does the opposite for weight, so it might even contradict anything the lexapro does. I was taking seroquil and that made me gain about 10 pounds after losing 25. It sucked. You just gotta watch if you're eating more or not, since those meds can make you so f-ing hungry. Go crazy, or eat more......... huh. TL;DR So far, all doctors I've talked to have said it won't cause weight gain. Know your habits, in case you find yourself eating more.
  13. I have a tendency to be hostile and sassy in public situations to my boyfriend. WHY?! There's really no reason for me to be mad at him. I find things, or make them up, that he's mad at me or I'm doing something wrong. Really, it's just that everything he does is annoying and irritating. But his actions haven't changed. Why am I suddenly so snappy at him. The worst part about it is I'm only sassy like this to him in front of other people, and sadly, that's usually his family. This isn't right. It's not ok for me to treat him this way. I don't think he did anything to deserve it. So why the hell am I so angry all the time and then take it out on him? I love him!!! This is so frustrating!!!
  14. I helped my boyfriend move back home for the summer, before school starts again. I didn't remember he had told me he was going to leave while I stayed back and cleaned. Wasn't listening I guess when I agreed to that. I got angry that he left me alone in the 110* apartment to clean up his shit since he never cleaned his apartment himself. Also, they forgot a lot of things so I had to pack them up and hall them down 4 stories to my car. After getting to his parents', I enjoyed the AC, but didn't get the memo that his sister and her family of two small ADHD girls were coming over. I was tired, hot, sweaty, I smelled bad, no makeup, I'm already mad at him for leaving me alone. Now I have to deal with this?! I was anti-social, I was angry, and I just wanted to leave. I made myself stay because I knew I'd just come home and cut if I didn't stay. He was tired, too, obviously, and after dinner said he'd take a short nap with me in his room. But no, he saw all the stuff laying around, got busy cleaning it up and then left the room to watch TV, leaving me, once again, alone. Long story short, I ended up having a small melt down after his sister's family left. He wasn't mad at me, but everyone knew that I wasn't "feeling good." I kept saying I was tired and feeling sick. Of course, we all know I was horribly anti-social, about to blow a fuse, and extremely emotional/on the edge of bursting into tears at any second. How do you deal with being around a family or friends or whatever when you are obviously not ok and don't want them to know you are having a melt down? Is it possible?! I tried to sleep but was angry when he didn't just f-ing lay down and cuddle me!! Why is that so hard to do?! Or should I just learn to suck it up and pretend to be happy? Cuz that just seems way to hard to do.
  15. Try writing down how and when you react to things. That might help you weed out if it's reactionary or if you're just having a random mood swing. As a typical borderline, my mood swings only happen in reaction to who I'm around. I'm manic like if I'm in big groups or just met a potential love interest but I'm depressive if I'm alone or rejected by someone. It is possible you can have MDD with BPD. Personally, I go up and down with people around me but I do have depressed days because of body image issues or I'm unable to get over someone else having rejected me. Just start a mood diary of sorts. It could be helpful!
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