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  1. Thanks for all the answers, i really appreciate them. I ended up getting hospitiliazed, i guess. Which was scary and awful, but they let me out again pretty quick since i wasn't a danger to anyone. I'm just really tired right now, and confused. My boyfriend called my best friend up and they got a car for me and told me i was coming with them to the emergency room "willingly" or they would call an ambulance and forcibly institutionalize me. i only had to stay there one night, but i got so angry, i felt like they betrayed me you know? cause they promised they wouldn't do that and they did.
  2. this feels bad to say, but im really scared right now because i dont want to become schizophrenic. in my mind i know that there are no better or worse mental illness, but i can't help but feel this way about schizophrenia. three days ago my boyfriend and best friend pretended that we were going to dinner together... turns out they had been talking and it was basically an intervention. it was really awful, and they basically told me that im getting very sick and i need more help than im getting. they never said straight out "we rhink you're schizophrenic" but it was implied all the time. My best friend, a nurse, kept telling me that when it comes to developing things like schizophrenia getting treatment quickly means you have a better chance of recovery and that it's not a death sentence. but it kind of feels like a death sentence to me? when people talk about schizophrenic people its always in a way that it sounds like their life is over. at the same time my symptoms scare me. ivre had psychosis before, yes, but not for that long and it was alwyas really emptional. Like i was very depressed or angry, always crying and then getting worse until it became full blown crazy. but now its not like that, its just... slow. and without that much emotion. and i'm having symptoms ive never had before, like my thoughts are so intense and weird if i think about them i cannot stop myself from saying them outloud, even in public. Yesterday i was lost in thought and didn't even notice i was talking to my self in public until i heard and saw that a group of boys were laughing at me. My best friend told me... "i think you are sicker than you think you are", but at the same time i am able to work. i function okay, i have done some weird things but nothing completely crazy except for one incident. My best friend and boyrfiend are coming with me to a psych, becayse i told them i wont go alone. My best friend also called a emergency psych line and they had reccmonended just going to the emergency room with me. i refused. i will never agree to that, and he understood and we're waiting until monday. I'm so scared. I don't want to go the hospital. I don't want to be heavily medicated. I don't want to be schizophrenic. this is getting me so depressed i just feel anxious and sad all the time. i just want to work and have ateast a semi-normal life.
  3. New research has suggested that those of us with ASPD are capable of empathy, it is just that we have a, call it a "switch", where we can turn it on and off. I can understand why you would not want that one on paper however. I am not my disorder. I fall rather weird on the spectrum anyway. There are variations to each disorder and degrees. Take your time and explore who you are if you are comfortable with the new Therapist. The main thing is dealing with any problems that are impacting your life in a negative manner, not how you identify your disorder. Really? I have never heard that, only that people with aspd have no empathy. I guess I am able to turn it off like that, though. Still, when i read about aspd it gets treated like a monster. I'm not an abuser and i would feel bad if i ever abused my boyfriend. When I love someone, i truly love them, and i would go very far to help them out. I guess i just dont idenitfy with the image of a cold abd manipulative kind of person like sociopaths/psychopaths are portrayed.
  4. I have aspd from a former psych, but I think it's a misdiagnosis personally and my current psych seems to agree (i do have empathy, i just grew up in a very rough/criminal enviorement). I also scored for paranoid pd on my last skid test, but im not sure if it's been put as an official diagnosis. Tbh, I really don't want to have any pd's on paper, to me i dont like the idea of my whole personality being a disorder and i already feel very misunderstood because of the whole aspd (mis)diagnosis :/
  5. Just found out that my mother in law has been gossiping to the rest of my boyfriends family about my self injury scars... Not a good feeling. I want cry
  6. I have a story i think is kind of funny. One time i saw the entire ceiling covered in little black bugs and i assumed it was a hallucination and ignored it for a while and then pointed it out to my boyfriend, and he at first reacted like i thought he would telling me there was no bugs there and then he looked again and was like "holy shit, you're right, there's a shitload of bugs here??" And then i freaked the fuck out and ran screaming out of the room, because i can deal with hallucinated bugs, but real bugs are a huge no and my boyfriend had to vacuum the ceiling before i entered the room, lol.
  7. I just need to get this off my chest, i guess. When my grandfather was sexually abusing me I didn't always hate it. It's not that i liked it exactly, but sometimes i liked the attention and praise and i had a lot of mixed feelings. Sometimes i hated it and would beg him to stop, but still... Sometimes I just let him and i liked that he treated me like i was special. I feel even worse about this because i have a lot of sexual fantasies as an adult that center around being raped/abused/beaten and even on acting like a very young boy. I don't know how to feel at all. The abuse fucked me up a lot. It gave me horrible obsessive thoughts were i for so many years could not be around children or look at them because all i could think about was those kids being raped. Like a movie playing out in my head, where either I or someone else touched or raped those kids. I never felt desire or anything from that, just disgust. I'm sure its from the abuse, that im so scared to become like that. But other times i think...its not a big deal. I didn't always hate it? And I mostlty just accepted it anyways. He abused me for 4 years, from the age of 4 to 8, and i never told anyone and mostly didnt fight back. I mean, i continued meeting him until only 2 years ago when he died because i never told my family and i felt obligated to see him. And he would always touch my ass or crotch when i visited and whisper stuff to me, even as recent as 2 years ago, just before his death. At that point I was 19 and i still didnt say anything, because i was scared of causing a scene and i mostly just freeze up anyways. I don't know, i just needed to vent i guess. If anyone have any feelings or thoughts on this feel free to comment. I'm confused and sad and i feel very alone in having experiences with child abuse that i didn't always hate. This is a secret im very ashamed of... :/
  8. Hello I also have an aspd diagnosis, from some time ago. I rarely see others with it on forums like these. Personally i believe i was misdiagnosed, since i do experience empathy and care deeply for certain people. My current psych agrees with that. Still, I have felt very sad and ashamed about having this diagnosis and i have always hidden it from people. It's interesting to see someone have such an easy relationship to their aspd diagnosis. Can I ask something? Do you hide this diagnosis from others? It is after all very stigmatized.
  9. It's not like you have to ask her very seriously? Just, ask her how she's doing and small talk a bit and maybe ask her if she'd like to have a coffee with you? The worst that could happen is that she ends up not dating you, which is going to be what happens anyways if you dont ask her out. You have everything to win by taking the chance.
  10. Hmm, i was sleeping with my bf before he became my boyfriend so i just let him see them. After we had been fucking for a while he just pointed them out like, "you hurt yourself, right?". Ime, people dont really react? I've never told anyone, i just let them see it when we become sexually active. Its kind of take it or leave it for me, i dont think its something that needs a warning. Anyhow; good luck! Im sure it will be fine!
  11. So it really was the shirt? That must have been a relief! I'm constanstantly smelling shit thats not there. How do you decide if its real or not?
  12. I'm not in school or work. I'm unemployed, though i will start working 50% this fall again. I don't really have a trouble making friends as such. I have a lot of casual friendships. But when i really become close to someone, i love that person more than anything. I wouldn't care if it was a casual friendship, but this is a person that i usually see 4 times a week for 5+ hours at the time. I spend almost all my free time with him and I have for years, i just really love him. He's my best friend and to me that means just as important as my boyfriend, and far more important than my biolofical family. I might just be scared and overreacting, he hasn't told me he hates me or anything. I just did something stupid and im really scared now, and he doesn't have phone either so i can't call him to clear it up. If i lost him it would be worse than losing a family member and just as bad as losing my boyfriend to me. I'm just really upset. Thanks for the tips though! I guess im lucky in that i do okay socially most of the time, i just tend to love my close friends very very much. Too much, maybe.
  13. It's 4 am and im still awake. I feel like I've fucked up my best friendship and literally just want to die. I always screw up and im so tired. It's weird how only a couple of days ago i felt fine, happy even. And now i feel like i'll never be happy again. Im tired of always going back to this.
  14. I guess i'll tell her when i see her next. Might be a while, though, since im very busy this week ++ Anyways, my boyfriend has the number + written permission to discuss my situation with my team so if things get bad, im sure he will do something.
  15. I think there are different levels of hitting someone. If you had punched her in the face i would be very worried, however this seems more like just freaking out hitting her arm. It's not good, but it seems like you understand that now. I also pushed my boyfriend semi-hard once, when i was angry. I felt so bad about it, i didn't know what to do with myself. I was only a few days away from surgery and on a shit-load of drugs that made me very sick and we were fighting. I guess stress can do that to people. What im trying to say is... i've been there and it sucked, but i never did it again. I'm sure if you work on it you can stop it from happening again.
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