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  1. Looking for some opinions. In my past experiences,and,the way i was raised, the guy typically is primarily responsible or both contribute equally. This does not include if the guy loses,his job, gets injured, etc. Then of course the other partner should have their back girl, guy, neutral, etc. Doesnt matter. So here is an interesting scenario. And they arent very young, like fresh out of school. Im talking around 30 years old. The guy (or really any one partner!) before deductions makes more than the girl for now. However, after paying persoal bills and deductions (child support, car payment, etc.) They have signficantly less to pay towards shared expenses (mortgage, utilities, food, etc.). To be exact, $300 a month towards those things. In reality, you couldnt really even make it with a room mate with that. So the other person is left paying all the rest of the living expenses because she has less personal bills to pays. The guy does not want to change careers after being almost half way to retirement with good benefits (11 to 16 years to go depending on how much retirement). So the intentions would be paying only $300 towards shared expenses for 11 to 16 years. No raises in this career. So you dont have the "I am working towards moving up" type of thing. This is it. He also does not want to work a second job because why when the girl can pay the rest and he wants to be around more. Does this seem fair? Im on the fence about it personally. I can understand because he does have a lot more in personal bills that cant be helped, but at the same time that still makes it unfair to the other person to expect her to pay the rest for a very long time. She could become resentful. I think in my case i strive for certain things financially. Even though i cant get there alone right now, i plan on it. But it is hard to swallow the idea that someone expects you to accept $300 towards bills for 11+ years. I watch my dad, uncle, and even my grandfather in their time work multiple jobs to achieve their financial goals. What do you guys think is fair?
  2. I like the idea of a holiday dump thread. Holidays can be very difficult for someone. Though, I hope everyone gets through it ok! For me, this will be my first Christmas with my son alone after a break up. Christmas morning will be difficult for both of us I believe and I know it will be challenging for me to be strong for him, but I think I can do this. I've been working on bettering myself and being stronger than I feel. And this won't be hard because I miss my ex, but because I want someone, a partner to share the holiday with. I think I shouldn't struggle so much because I do have a new boyfriend, but we are having issues and I feel unloved. So I will probably have to cut ties if something does not change before the holidays.
  3. I dont know that I can keep them apart 100%. For the most part yes. For the past 6ish months I have been able to. Another issue is that I am supposed to be going to California to see the west at my aunt's other property. He will not be ok with me going without him (which I agree with him i dont think we should be apart in a serious relationship and if roles were reversed i would be the exact same way, like we agree really well with what we expect from our relationship). But he will not go there with me because he will be nasty to my aunt and uncle. He wants nothing to do with them because of the supposed cameras. So that is a hurtle i will have to figure out. No, however, he does have a computer science degree. He knows a lot, but ill enough to say if he can do that or not. Maybe enough to lie about it convincingly? I really dont know. I am not afraid of him, i am afraid to tell him because i don't think i will like his response. He will tell me to do what i want, but that he doesnt think he should have to pretend to like them or be nice to them at all. And I feel he should out of respect to me because this is something that is important to me and can cause long term turmoil.
  4. I am afraid to talk to him about the camera thing because he is so convinced it seems. We even talked about it with his own family some. He even wants to confront my aunt about them. Like, whoa. Is he just convinced there must be a camera out of paranoia (he does have PTSD) and i understand paranoia because i get it in waves. And yes, keeping them apart is a possibility, it is just a sad one. I have asked him to prove the cameras and he said he cannot since he got locked out or something like that. Something to do with the security. I thought his story was far fetched as well and i will have to confront him about it. He is quite sensitive to me not believing him. As with my dad, he never said i cant have a relationship with him. He only said he will not be nice. He will confront him about the things he disagrees with and he can be very, very nasty and a real instigator. He is law enforcement, so he feels very strongly against the things my dad has done. But he is even rude (not mean) to my grandparents who have done nothing wrong. He just hates that they try and influence me sometimes and encourage me to have a relationship with him (they dont know the things my dad has done). Though he agrees with me that it is better that they never know.
  5. No, im not sure. He claims he was able to hack them once and saw 5, then got locked out. He was saying that there was a camera in the thermostat and the next day I got a call from my aunt with her telling me there was a camera in the thermostat. He said that to test her. So that's all the proof i have if that's even enough. She said all those thermostats have a camera, but I looked them up and they so not. So i dont know what to think of that. However, she genuinely does seem to be oblivious to any of my conversations i had with him there except for that one. Her behavior seems relatively consistent despite him denying it and making excuses. He thinks it does give him the right to interfere and that he should not have to be nice to them. For example, my dad dated a 15 year old which is something that goes against my boyfriends morals and something he cannot tolerate. My dad married that girl when she became an adult. He also blames him for a lot of my depression issues. My dad even used to have me help him pick out a mail order bride (before he met the young girl) and they were a bunch of 18 year olds in string bikinis. Just bad influence for a young girl and he says he cannot be nice or civil to that. He also says he cannot tolerate a camera in my bedroom.
  6. UPDATE: So instead of making a new topic, i thought I would post here again. I could really use some more advice. Things with my boyfriend have been alright, but again there is a huge issue. So, there is some evidence of cameras in the house, but not enough that I am fully convinced he is not lying to me. He is not a people person and works in an environment where seeing death is normal. He is convinced that my aunts husband is watching videos fron the cameras for sexual purposes (no evidence of this except for a suspected camera in my bedroom, he says why else would it be there?). Now, he is so angry about it he has threatened to confront them about it which for him would not be pretty. Now my aunt has been there for me throughout my life and asked for nothing in return so it makes no sense that she is the bad person despite her controlling behavior. But he makes excuses. He hates my dad who did treat me terribly as a child, i will not deny that. My dad has been saying he wants a relationship with me again. But, my boyfriend says if he ever meets him, same thing.... Serious confrontation. He says he will not pretend if he has something to say he will say it. Even my grandparents who have been more like parents to me. He has no ill will towards them, but is still rude to them because they encourage me to try and have a relationship with my dad. He also hates that they try to influence me to do what they think is best, though in the end, they still support my decisions. My grandparents mean a lot to me and he says i am expecting him to bend over backwards for them. Keeping the peace with my family is very important to me, but for him, i am asking too much. So where does that leave me?
  7. Thank you for the responses. Unfortunately, I do believe my son's behavior is affected by what happened. My family that I stay with give him everything he wants and does not correct poor behavior. They make excuses for him and it's been getting worse and worse. My ex reaches out to me from time to time. Tries to entice me to return with I love you and what not. Pissed off, I said some things to him that were negative and he certainly took it badly. Now I'm crossing my fingers hoping he lets it go instead of doing anything about it. But him reaching out makes things difficult. I find myself thinking I don't deserve any better. No one else would ever want me. Those sorts of thoughts is where I've come to.
  8. Thank you for the links. They were helpful, but my answers were all over the place on whether or not the signs are present. Based on the quiz you posted, I'm in a healthy relationship. Cerberus, Thank you for your thoughtful response. I did not continue to go on the sites. I stopped immediately when he said something and that was very early in the relationship. I've been all over the place and went through a sabatoge period, but I've gotten past that. Your reply was helpful and I appreciate it. I do plan on leaving the house as soon as I am able. My aunt is insanely controlling, however, she spends little time in that house. She has been staying in another house out of state so that helps until I can get on my feet.
  9. Thank you so much to anyone who reads all of this. i feel that i am in a very bad situation and I dont know what to do. I have only ever been manipulated and abused in relationships. I have even been manipulated by my own family. I don't know how to tell and I always want to see the good in people. I know I'm vulnerable and an easy target, but that doesn't mean that only manipulators would try to date me. My problem is that I've been dating this guy for 3 months and I have no idea if he is genuinely trying to help me, or if he is a good manipulator. He has proven that he is extremely intelligent, thus very capable of manipulating me if he wanted to. He's even told me that someone could easily manipulate me, and he seemed to be saying this for me to realize it and be aware of it. However, it could also be one epic game. How do I know or am I being afraid because I don't know any different? So here's what's been going on to cause me to start to question things. When we first met, he seemed a lot more interested in trying to help me. He was more listening, less judgemental, and more open minded. The only odd thing about him to me at the time was that he told me upfront that the clothes I wear was going to be a problem. I know I'm far from conservative, but I always grew up learning as long as I cover up what's important, the rest doesn't matter. Well, it's a big deal to him if I'm wearing short, shorts. Other than thtlay, it was all great. He even quit smoking because I didn't like it. Things started going a little down hill when one, I was caught on dating websites. He admitted to me he is paranoid about being cheated on again, so he searched to see if I ever took my profiles down, which I didn't. I was also active on them, genuinely only talking. He got hurt. Soon after, he started getting into a depressive rut. I think a lot of things piling up between me, his job, other life things. So his mood shifted and it was obvious. He got colder towards me and started showing no empathy, but talked plenty about his own issues. Now this is common among a lot of people with depression from my personal experiences from trying to help friends and volunteering on websites. So, of course I make excuses for him not being so nice. Though, I wouldn't go as far as to say he's being really derogatory either. Cold and lacking empathy as well as selfish. All not so good. It got worse when he went on my facebook (he had my permission to access it even though he expresses he feels kinda bad for looking probably because he would have even if he didn't have my permission) and found messages between me and ex where we were flirting. granted, I blew him off, but it was enough to hurt him more especially after still being on the dating websites. At this point, he hasn't been the same. He got more cold and started to have zero empathy what so ever. It doesn't matter how hurt I am, he turns it back on himself. He started to make some jabs at me to some degree. Like saying immature and pointing out some of my flaws. He also called me a whore.... which I felt was unfair given the situation. He started smoking again and keeps saying he will quit, but hasn't. When I pointed that out he got upset and said thanks for making me feel like a failure. Then I told him all I did was point that out which is something he does to me all the time. he said nothing back. Typically when I point out something he does that I don't like he will apologize and say he will try to work on it, but it's too soon to tell if he is going to keep with it. We have only been dating for a few months. Now for the big stuff. As some background he does have PTSD from his job. He sees a lot of bad things on a regular basis and is around a lot of bad people all the time. So he often is going to expect the worst probably. Anyway, after awhile he started to tell me he believes my entire family (except my mom who he thinks I'm being too hard on) are manipulative. He is on the fence with my grandparents who are very important to me. Anyway, he has made it clear he won't be friendly or nice to them because of this. My dad started dating his current wife when she was 16 and because he's treated me poorly, he said he won't be able to contain his anger if he ever meets him. He claims my aunt is likely plotting custody of my son. She did make a statement about taking him and me going to stay with my grandparents because she didn't like my parenting methods. However, this aunt is letting me and my son stay in her home as long as I want rent free so I can save up money. She paid for our flight from out of state when my husband had thrown me out because he was done dealing with my depression. She has given us a place to stay. Throughout my stay she has been rather controlling, but I always assume it's because she cares. For example, she attempted to put an 11pm curfew on me. Before that she would stay awake waiting to see when i got home. she was extremely pissed off when i came home at 2:30am. As a disclaimer, she agreed to watch my son all night or i wouldnt have stayed out. I'm 27 with a 4 year old child. So, I felt this to be ridiculous.Her reasoning was so I could get enough sleep for my son. Then, she tried to tell me that I have to earn my babysitting hours and that I wasn't allowed to have my grandparents babysit. This majorly pissed them off. All of it seemed to be with good intentions, but a poor method of getting what she wants. Others have also said she can be a controlling bitch. No one's perfect though. The real issue is that my boyfriend claims she has 5 security cameras in her house. He is extremely talented at programming and building computers. So he used my laptop to hack into their server. I watched the first part of him getting in, but didn't see him actually access it. He deleted some of the videos the first time. After that, my aunt called me to tell me about their thermostat and that they had a camera in it. the camera stream goes to an app on her husband's phone. However, one camera in the thermostat is not 5 through the house. My boyfriend said legally she cannot admit to that, because he says one is in my bedroom. Later, he hacked them again to delete some of the video of us. This time, he said he accessed the videos where as last time he did it to see if there were cameras and how many. Anyway, he said he found that one video in particular (it was sexual) was watched 26 times. Whether both my aunt and uncle have seen it, we don't know. Either way, he wants nothing to do with them. In addition, there have been cars driving by the house that I don't recognize (I've seen them with my own eyes). He claims one of them followed him half way home one night. In the middle of all this, he claims he got a Facebook message from an anonymous user that told him he was verbally abusive to me, that I'm keeping him at arms length, etc. These are things I talked to one of my friends about via Facebook messenger. So either she sent that message, or he hacked my facebook (this would be well before he saw the messages between me and my ex which he admitted to going on there for) And read our conversation. He told me that he thought I sent it to him and it were things I didn't have the courage to tell him. Which isn't true. He was extremely upset over that message. I told my friend and she swears she did not send that message. she is known for being a major gossip, but I have no idea if this is something she would do or not. She said if she would, she wouldn't have done so anonymously. Some other things about him is that he has been encouraging me to be more independent which is new for me. He usually only points out issues, but he's given me some advice on a few things. he's normal thing is that he can't make that choice for me, but that could just be him manipulating me. Manipulators won't need to tell someone what they want them to do, right? Not if they are e good. it could be part of the game so he doesn't seem manipulative, or am I being paranoid and he's trying to help me? None of my friends have a clue. He also wants to see me everyday if possible. He gets along great with my son. He is really good with him and shows genuine interest in him. He's even gone out of his way for him and wants to help. Has given me ideas for how to help him with some of his issues and helped me look into getting him into a better school. He hates that I have two male friends and doesn't believe opposite genders can just be friends. He claims he has nightmares of me cheating on him. Through much of this (hence the camera issues and people driving by the house), my aunt and uncle have been out of state. They came back a few days ago and have been acting normal. I haven't gotten any bad vibes, except that I've only seen them once since their return. This could have something to do with my grandparents wanting them to leave me alone more. My grandparents always take my side, which pisses a lot of people off. Also, when I got home I found dude clothes in my bathroom. my son and I are the only ones who use it. My initial thought was that my boyfriend left them from one of the times he stayed over. He says he didn't leave anything and is very careful knowing where all his things are at all times because of his job. So that is extremely unlikely. I never saw them before they got there either.... They weren't in plain sight. So that means either my aunt and uncle planted them there to pretend they were found, or my boyfriend put them somewhere to piss them off. My aunt and uncle have said nothing. if I knew where it was found, that would help answer it, but my anxiety would choke me to death before I could ever ask. What are your thoughts and thanks again for reading all of this.
  10. Thank you for your input. The fact that he is diagnosed with growth failure is why I stress so hard over it. He is extremely small for his size even though the doctor cannot find anything wrong. At this point, he either eats or he doesn't eat. I will not reward nor punish for him for it. I had my boyfriend over for dinner with us and he ate EVERYTHING on his plate. My boyfriend has a son the same age and suggests we remain silent while we ate and talked after. The talking is a distraction and when they aren't playing or talking, he will eat. At least that was a major part of it. Anyway, removing distractions at the table and encouraging him to eat got him to eat everything with minimal effort. If he refuses to eat, then that will just have to be that and I will try again after a certain amount of time and keep offering him something.
  11. I have always had trouble getting my son to eat. He will never eat if he is distracted like has people around. He will literally do anything for attention including not eat so you will tell him to eat or watch him or feed him. Yes, my family will hand feed him sometimes which I know causes more problems with this. I've tried time outs. I tried letting him go without hoping he will eat when he is hungry. He went a day and a half without eating and I couldn't take it anymore. I tried giving him different things to chose from. I tried ignoring him. I tried making him sit there until he eats and he will sit there for eternity without eating. I'm at my wits end with what to do and my family will not stop trying to hand feed him and give him attention over it for him to eat,a few bites. Even sweets, he out right does not give a shit about eating. No idea why or what to do. He is healthy. He's had a recent check up and physical. He does not complain of any pain nor is he constipated. So, I have no idea. Any advice?
  12. I've posted on the relationships board about my recent break up. I had to take my son and leave. The only family I have in that state was my mom, who was also living with my aunt. I felt at the time, that it was not a good place for us. My mom and I do not get along at all, living under the same roof. My dad and I have a bad relationship. Actually, we don't really talk and he has 2 toddlers and an infant. So, not a good place for us either. I called my aunt, who've I've always trusted and told her what was happening (about the breakup, but not everything that was happening in my relationship). She paid for me and my son to fly to her state and live with her while I get on my feet. At first, it was not so bad. Her daughter (whom I'm extremely close to and was raised with) was visiting from Germany. I would have gone to live with her if she lived in the U.S., but I am not able to go to Germany with her. Anyway, my aunt was ok then. She acted... like an aunt and someone in grandparent mode because her daughter has 2 kids. When she left, everything gradually changed. Her husband also went to another state where they have an additional property that needed work. So that was a couple months ago. I really hope that a large part of her problem, is her husband being away for so long. I met a new guy and started to date. She babysits when I go and see him. However, she quickly did not like my late night home returns despite I have no problem getting up the next morning with my son. Anyway, she wanted to put an 11pm curfew on me because she felt I wasn't getting enough sleep. My grandparents were very upset with her for that one, and it didn't last. She even apologized for it. That's an example of how she started becoming controlling and treating me like a child. However, I agreed to the curfew without arguing. I've been agreeing to everything she said because we need a place to stay for a bit. Anyway, she's been getting very close with my son. Spending time with him, disciplining him, working with him to learn new things, etc. She's become more adamant about doing it, rather than waiting for me to reach out for help. One day, after I helped her do some cleaning, she sat me down... and out of the blue began to yell at me. I did nothing to instigate this. I gave her no reason to yell at me when I've always agreed to whatever she said even if I did not see eye to eye with her. She yelled at me for my way of parenting my son. I've always taken her advice, even if I didn't want to, and did not express much disagreement on it. I did it. So, for her to suddenly start yelling shocked me beyond belief. It wasn't necessary, and it made me no longer roll over. I was not about to allow myself to be treated like that. However, I told her I hear her concern. I know she cares. I agree that there are issues, but that I did not agree with her methods. She flipped her shit. Her exact words were "You ARE going to do it THIS way." So, that was fucked up. I told her no, and that I should have a say in how I raise MY son. She proceeded to tell me that if I wanted her to babysit, I would have to earn my hours. For every hour I took him somewhere she would babysit him for an hour. I told her that was ridiculous and I refused to play that stupid game. That first of all, if she felt I didn't do enough with him, all she had to do was say that and I'd work on it. Second of all, I told her that her standards are not the same as mine, and i do not believe I must entertain him constantly (he is 4) or take him places every single day. She hates seeing him play with his toys alone. He is an only child. I did it all the time. I grew up an only child. Our parenting is different and that doesn't make it wrong. I have no problem hearing her out. Never have. So this was too much for me. She then went on to tell me that I cannot let my grandparents babysit him unless it was for work. They are 80 years old, though they do tell me they will be happy to babysit. I feel that this should be between them and me and I've told her that I would never leave him there for a long time. No more than a few hours. However, during this argument, she felt the need to remind me as she has previously done almost every day. My response was "Many, many, many times you told me this, and many, many, many times I told you I wouldn't do that" and she replied "I'm done with you" and stormed off. Since we've talked like nothing happened for the most part. She mentioned she thinks we are toxic to each other (no fucking idea wtf I did to her other than my depression). My depression bothers her. A lot. She does not understand it at all. Completely clueless. She's a go, go go, type of person and I'm severely depressed. It's obvious, it rubs off on her. Whoever I live with, it has that effect. She keeps saying she wants to fix me, and all I want is for her to leave me the fuck alone at this point. I want out asap, but I cannot afford it with my part time job. My friend and boyfriend both are convinced she is going to try and take my son. She has also told me I act like a child. She's been very controlling, getting very close to him. She's been gone one night to go see her husband and she's asking me to call her so she can talk to my son. I'm all kinds of pissed, paranoid, and extremely distraught. Any advice on how to handle this situation?
  13. I still have not returned. I am getting a little pressure from my mom, but she is not aware of the abuse. Even without that, I'm not sure if I really would return, even though, admittedly, I want to. Thank you all for your support. This has been extremely difficult for me and there are days where I'm still in denial. And I have never heard of any cycles with regards to partner violence. I've had relationships before this one that were also abusive, but those were more black and white and the decision for me to leave was much easier than it is now.
  14. Thank you all for your responses. The last time he was abusive towards me was over a year ago. I still think a lot of why he acted this way in the end was from what happened to his mother. The abuse I believe is greatly from his own depression which I tried to help him with. He was fine towards me when he saw a therapist and was on meds. He always brought me flowers and I lived a life where I could do whatever I wanted (he made enough to support the three of us on his own). We've been apart for two months now. I started dating someone new. My now ex is sending me flowers and cards saying how much he loves me and apologizing for everything. I cannot deny that I miss him and all the fun we had together. We had so many similar interests. Things were so good that the memories of the abuse don't even seem real, but they did happen. So did a lot of lying. Part of me wants to go back and think that it won't ever happen again. But there are so many what ifs. Going through the abuse and the way he made me leave again would be even harder if I had to do it again. But would it happen again? It is so hard.
  15. I've been in this relationship for 5 years. We have a baby boy together. Much of the time we are happy together and are compatible. We want the same things out of life. I made a post on here over 2 years ago talking about domestic violence. He was violent towards me a lot. It was not just pushing and slapping. It was very, very violent (though nothing broken thankfully). It got better for a while. Then it returned and got better again. There's been a lot of arguing though, but that got better as well. He certainly has issues with anger, and I always believed it could be worked out with medication and therapy despite the severity. There were a few shady instances. The most recent one is when he went missing. He claimed he was working late, when in reality he was with his friend who he claimed was suicidal. I was also self-harming at the time and he knew. Anyway, I never knew where he was until the next day. We also have issues with finances. He gets himself further and further into debt behind my back and tells me it is not my concern. In January, his mother was murdered by her husband. Absolutely tragic and sent him spiraling. He refused to get help, but he did not revert back to being violent towards me. Our relationship was ok for a while. Until out of the blue he tells me he doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore. This continues for a while. He avoids me and does not come home after work. He outright does not want to be around me. He claims it is because he cannot handle my own emotional instability and is tired of walking on eggshells. He says our relationship is toxic, and the way he feels towards me has changed. He soon asked me to leave, and at first, I didn't want to. I thought he needed me. Until his words got stronger, "What would it take for you to leave." And that was when I took our son and left. I was a stay at home mom, and so I had nothing. I left the state with our 3-year-old to stay with family. I told him not to make any big decisions until we take some time a part because of what happened with his mom. I strongly believed that was what this was over. So technically, we were still together and just taking some time away from each other. He agreed. Three days later, he took our engagement status (we never got legally married) off of facebook. When I called him, he said he knew we were done. So began to move forward with my life. 2 weeks later, I went to get my things and he began to tell me he made a mistake, but also said he did not know what he wanted. So I got my things and left. A few days later, he calls and says he wants me back. At this point, We had been a part for a total of 6 weeks (including the few days I was there getting my things). I've been living in a different state. He only once saw a grief counselor like we agreed upon before I ever left. However, he said he would do anything for me. I'm not sure what to do. He was violent with me in the past, although that stopped. He said he didn't want me. He wasn't doing anything to prove it to me, and at this point, I started dating someone else (nothing serious). My family seems insistent I should return to try again or at least get past any unresolved feelings, but I'm at a total loss. My heart breaks to hear him upset and wanting me back. But I cannot deny that I may feel happier where I am now, but there's not telling that it will last.
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