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CrazyFail1

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  1. I'm glad you think so, it was meant to hit a nerve and make a point. I have noticed this with other people's posts, not just my own. People who pour their hearts into writing a post and trying to explain how they feel don't get many replies compared to those threads that contain one or two sentences about how someone wants to kill themselves. Personally, I find THAT disgusting. I am not looking for instant feedback - I am looking for meaningful feedback - or, just any feedback at all would be nice. It goes to prove another point I already mentioned: most of the people who come here are looking to get support but not to give it - unless they don't have to put much effort into giving it, that is. It's so easy to reply to a short post with a short message of "hang in there!" but nobody wants to sit down and have a real discussion. I want to talk about issues in detail and have intelligent conversations about why we do the things we do, and how we can improve our quality of life. I don't get any satisfaction from crying out and receiving a dozen cyberhugs by the next morning. When I read the description of this forum, I thought this would be a place where I could do that, where people are allowed to say what's on their mind without having to walk on eggshells in fear of offending someone. Oh well.
  2. Sorry I got kinda pissy. It's just that sometimes I need to talk to people who understand what it's like to be very depressed and I just want to bounce ideas off people and hear their opinion. I'm not okay. I have not been this low for a very long time. I'm scared about how low I can actually go. There are no psychiatrists in my town, but I have seen a social worker a few times. It is on my to-do list to make another appointment(s) with her. But in the meantime I'm very lonely and fed up with the way I'm living and I feel like I have nobody to be open about it with. I'm not suicidal - I have too much anticipation for the good times ahead, I know that I have highs and lows and that the lows don't last forever, but this one is a deep, dark low and it's frightening me. I am trying to reach out a little online because it's the only place I can go to immediately, but it just seems like you have to have a loaded gun to your head to get anyone's attention around here. I have been on other depression forums before and they were the same. I thought this place would be different. I can appreciate the fact that I expect a little too much from a forum - as helpful as it may be to some, it is no replacement for real therapy. And let's be honest, 90% of the people who come to forums like this are reaching out to be heard, to get help and support, not to give support to others. So there is a small number of people out there actually responding and giving support compared to those seeking it. Which is okay and understandable. It's just a fact. I try to take an interest in other people's issues and respond with whatever advice I can give based on my own experiences, but I don't even have enough energy to sort out my own shit let alone everyone elses. So I understand. I have contemplated changing meds but it scared the shit out of me. My social worker suggested it. You see, the most important thing in my life right now is my job. I am SO lucky to have the job that I have. I work hard and sometimes put in long and abnormal hours, I am on-call half the time, and I have to occasionally deal with trauma and grief and high emotions. But my career is my reason d'etre and my co-workers are my family and I CANNOT FUCK THIS UP UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I feel like I am trying to light a bonfire with my last match here. I cannot afford to lose work due to stress or hospitalization. If I do fuck it up, that will be the end. I can't guarantee that I wouldn't be suicidal if that happened. I don't even know why I post in a forum. I havn' been to one in a long time. Because I just check it 50 times a day hoping that someone would just talk to me and 49 times out of 50 I am disappointed, and I take it so fucking personally, it's pathetic. I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm frustrated, I hate the way I am. I have a rage boiling inside me that rises to the surface like thick lava and then cools into a thick shell, burying the heat deep inside so that nobody sees it.
  3. I too found that the drugs dulled me... yes, they dulled my emotions ina good way because I wasn't so angsty anymore, but I wasn't creative or passionate about anything either. Just kind of blah, whatev. I started on antidepressants when I was 14.
  4. lol yeah, they are quail and should actually live outside all the time but I bring them in at night because the boy likes to cockadoodledoo at 4 am and wake the neighbors and me. They have a small cage inside to spend the night in a big cage out on the deck.
  5. once I went about 3 days without toilet paper and just wiped my ass with dirty socks on the floor because I was too lazy to go downtown and buy TP. Uh huh. Fucked up. At least I used a clean dirty sock each time. Lately I went about 2 weeks washing my hair with the dogs shampoo because I kept forgetting to get some... and it totally wrecked my hair so I just kept adding curly product to it to give it that "bead head" look so I didn't have to actually do anything with it. Nobody at works knows it wasn't "bed head look" it was just plain old genuine bed head and 3 day old hairspray.
  6. I am so inspired to see this many people enjoying sleeping with teddys and objects! Growing up I had several teddys, mainly a fox and later a husky dog, which became so matted you couldn't tell what they were anymore. When I was about 15 I retired Husky and just started sleeping with a pillow btween my arms. I don't like not holding anything in bed, it makes my arms fold in on themselves and I find it hard to breathe. For the first time in my life, a year ago I got a queen sized bed. nobody to fill the other side of it, but I LOVE it. I stash stuff on the other side, esp. books. When I am reading an excellent book, or have finished a great book and am very sad that it's all over, I actually sleep cradling the book in my arms. I like having my book tucked into bed with me.
  7. some of these stories, thought they might have been fuelled with anger and compulsion and lack of judgement at the time, made me laugh my fucking ass off. Don't mess with us crazy people! Now on the serious side, I do have a story to tell that happened to someone I know, a friend of a friend. His brother had some kind of MI, not sure what. But both of them liked to hunt. So one day his brother was out hunting, driving his truck down the backroads, and two assholes in another truck decided to finger him for no reason as he drove by. So the fellow stopped his truck, got out and shot them both. So I always think of this story when I feel the need to lose my shit on someone. be careful who you flip off, you don't know what kind of day the other person is having.
  8. yes, I have had a therapist/counselor like that. I really hated her. She was helpful to some degree but I didn't like her attitude, she judged me. I prefer male doctors/therapists. For some reason, as a woman, I feel it easier to open up to a man. Just my personality I guess. I'm not trying to be sexist as I know there are equally good and bad docs out there regardless of gender but I always feel stupid trying to explain my internal shit to a fellow woman - it's like I feel as though they will judge, they will compare me to themselves, I don't know, I just feel it's easier with a male doctor for me. If I were you I'd talk to other people in your area with similar MI and get some feedback about their doctors. That's how I found all of mine, by word of mouth.
  9. I think I am going through a downward spiral again. I always go batshit crazy in the summer, but I think I need to start seeing a therapist again. I don't even know what's picking my ass this time, but I feel awful. Last few weeks at work have been hard but everything is back to normal now and I'm very relieved about that. I love my job but I need a fucking holiday. First time in a year that I actually don't wanna go to work in the morning. I don't like that feeling. This is the first job I've had that I genuinely enjoy, I don't want to ever not want to do it. I don't want to do anything when I get home. I don't want to walk the dogs, I don't want to clean the house. What I HAVE been doing is working on the yard. For the past week or so I have been feverishly weekwacking, raking, thatching, raking, mosskilling, and digging fucking huge rocks out of my backyard. I have not touched the backyard since I moved in 6 months ago so it was a real jungle. But this is what I do - I get obsessive over a certain thing and I do it and do it until I beat it to death and leave everything else go for shit. A couple weeks ago it was cleaning the house. I cleaned the house spotless and then I moved onto the yard and let the house go for shit. I was up til 10:30 last night trying to dig a boulder out of my yard. The tip of it kept hitting my lawnmower blade and I thought I'd pick it out, but then the boulder turned out to be 2 feet square and a foot wide and weighed about 300 lbs and I had a 3 foot deep pit in my yard. I couldn't lift the damn boulder out so I dug under neath it and buried it deeper LOL. But seriously, once I start something like that I can't stop. I went fishing on the long weekend. I intended to only go out once for a couple hours to relax, but I ended up staying out for 8 hours every day for 3 days because I wanted my limit of 2 fish. EIGHT HOURS of casting and I finally caught one, and all the time I kept thinking "This is the time, this is the time" (if you've every watched Tobuscus play Happy Wheels on Youtube, this is exactly what I do when fishing or anything else) I forgot how much I rage internally when I fish. It's not relaxing, it just makes me angry, because every fucking time I cast out I get really hopeful, so hopeful that it's painful, and 999 times out of a thousand I am disappointed. And by the time 8 hours has gone by and the sun is setting I'm like "OMFG fish, bite my hook so I can go hooooome you bastards" and I get super cranky. I am not much of a gambler but I have played the slots for a laugh a time or two, and this reminds me exactly of that. The addiction of trying one more time, one more time, this is the lucky time. Thankfully I am too cheap with my money to risk it at the casino, and all I risk on the river is 2 minutes of my time every time I cast out, but the effect is the same. I get so pissed off LOL especially when the little kids beside me are slaying fish after fish. It's like watching everyone around you win the jackpot when you've been playing the slots for 8 hours and your credit card's maxed out. Anyway, that's my rant. I'm really fucking depressed. I hate everything right now. My patience is gone, my temper is short and I keep going at these stupid tasks obsessively and in the end I don't feel any satisfaction, just rage that it took up so much of my time.
  10. I love this, I struggle with this every morning! 5:00 am, I wake up. "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck why am I awake, go back to sleep." 7:00 am,alarm goes off. "OFFS shut up, I want to sleep." Hit snooze every 10 minutes until 8:00 am "Now is the time. This time, I will get up. Okay, NEXT time, I will get up. Now is the time." 8:15 am. I have 15 minutes to be at work. "Just do it. Be fast. the faster you are the less you will feel it." "but my bed feels so fucking gooooooood. FUCK I love my bed." "You'll be late, and everyone will think you're a good for nothing douchebag!" "I know. I must be a good for nothing douchebag then. Everyone hates me. I'm useless." "How hard is it to get out of bed and be at work ontime?" "Very hard." 8:25 am Holeefuck time to get out of bed. Pee. wash face, brush teeth, let dog out to pee, come back in, feed dog, dress, let dog out to poop, put birds outside, search for keys, let cats out, forget a million and one things upstairs, and finally leave the driveway at 8;35, hating my life already. 10:30 pm: I should go to bed 11:30 pm I should go to bed 12:30am okay I really need to go to bed. For someone who loves their bed so much in the morning... WHY DO WE DO THIS
  11. I dunno... sometimes I fantasize about revenge, but I rarely do it. Most of the time when I really mean it I abuse myself to get back at people. Like this woman who worked with me who took it uon herself to be my personal trainer, she pissed me off so bad one day that I went to mcdonalds and ate an angus third pounder with fries and a huge diet coke and mcflurry, and I thought about her with every bite LOL.
  12. I don't usually use any kind of dream dictionary to analyze dreams. Free association means you have to find out what each thing in your dream means to you personally, based on your personal experiences and often the last context in which you experienced it in real life. I was just curious if anyone here had done free association dream therapy before with their therapists, apparently not too many.
  13. *preface - I am not advocating dream interpretation as a therapy or even as something legit, just asking questions about it and sharing experiences* Has anyone else had experience working with a therapist on looking at their dreams to determine possible sources of anxiety? I ask because I used to work with someone a lot about this. I found that for me, trying to find associations between things in my dreams and real life proved to be a good stepping stone to finding out what things in my life were subconsciously bothering me. It is starting to bother me that since I moved to the community I live in, which has an urban wolf problem, I have been having more and more nightmares about wolves - and previously in my life, dreams about wolves were always good dreams that I looked forward to. I feel for the first time in my life I am getting a phobia about wolves that wasn't there before and I feel like it is starting to severely restrict my freedom to do the things I consider normal in my own home town - like walk the dog on a trail. I feel comfortable in the bush everywhere but here, and it frustrates me. So I am wondering if my nigtmares about wolves are actually about wolves or if my subconscious is just using my real-life fear of wolves to express some other, deeper anxiety that I don't want to be aware of. Thoughts? Anyone else done dream interpreting and/or free association in therapy?
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