i hate this substance. my therapist suggested i get diagnosed with whatever is wrong with me since i had a suicidal dream (I've been suicidal since elementary school lol). i checked myself into the hospital to get diagnosed and they locked me up in isolation for 18 hours. then i found myself at an inpatient psych ward!!..for the first time. they diagnosed me as bipolar ii and insisted i take depakote. i researched the drug on the computer there and didn't want a part of it but my mom wouldn't let me come home unless i took the drug! i decided to give it my all and hope for the best...
fast forward two months i was in hell. i still had depressive and hypomanic cycles although i didn't care. they didn't really affect me but i could still ever so slightly tell where i was in my cycle. i felt no emotions, i felt dead. music that used to play in my head...gone. exciting thoughts...gone. i was a zombie. on the bright side i was able to do almost anything i wanted. i practiced a ton of guitar and worked on projects i had planned before although i experienced no satisfaction or joy from my activities. i was feeling suicidal, like i was at the end of the line since this wasn't working and my mom wouldn't let me stop (this drug destroyed my reasoning, worse than my defacto bipolar logic). i tried vaping a ton of hash, what i used to medicate myself before psych ward, i didn't get high, at best i got a body buzz and felt apathetic about my mental dilemma..no euphoria or wellbeing! feeling concerned and worried i tried snorting heroin, having not dabbled in opiates for months. i felt content and constapated..again, no euphoria or wellbeing! no trippy morphine buzz. same with coke. i couldn't feel anything!
i looked online and ordered a book called The Opiate Cure: for Chronic Pain and Bipolar. The dr who wrote it says methadone+another opiate are the best tools for bipolar. i procured a hundred mg of methadone, planning to take a few mg a day. it arrived and then decided not to take it since it would be unsustainable in the long term. a week later, over 9 weeks after starting depakote, i went cold turkey on 1500mg. a day later i was apparently 11/10 manic, shit felt like an intense trip. my mom was coming off ativan and taking it out on me and my younger sisters. i got in a big fight with her and thought i would feel dead forever and hated my life (which i don't sans depakote) so i decided to kill myself. i took 200mg methadone and over 20mg klonopin with almost no tolerance to both drugs. i went to the hills to die in peace...4 hours went by, nothing. i didn't even pass out or feel like lying down. i sent a friend a text asking for the number of an ex gf so he became suspicious and drove to where he thought i was. i told him i had peaked on all the drugs i took and was not going to die. he was paranoid benz'd up idiot so he didn't believe me and called the cops on me, i forgot you can't trust anyone lol. i ended up in a prison like psych ward then homeless for a bit then started living with a lady friend.
long story short: forced to go on depakote, miserable, try to kill self, fail, homeless....worst part of my life and this was a couple months ago.
hope it works for you though