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emack

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    70
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About emack

  • Rank
    Insane in the membrane

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Woman
  • Location
    In the Mitten
  1. Okay so yesterday was Christmas. wahoo anyway I have felt like Ive been bouncing off the walls for 3 days now. I am talking, thinking, and moving fast. I feel like I cant slow down. Yikes I am not doing anything impulsive thats destructive but I just feel like my head is constantly spinning...whoo-whoo...honestly i feel like my mind is on a race track and I "hear" a race going on...i havent felt like this in awhile. my meds havent changed, but i dont know whats going on.
  2. I think that almost anything can become an addiction. Even if its not listed technically in the DSM V I believe that self-harm and many other behaviors can become addictive.
  3. sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep....

  4. False The person below me perfers winter to summer
  5. True all the time mostly because I am too lazy to find matching pairs The person below me has blue eyes.
  6. icky, in physical pain in my back and really, really tired
  7. You can never ever change someone else's thoughts/behaviors/any thing. I wish we as humans had that power but sadly we dont. The only thing that can be changed is your attitude/thoughts/behaviors etc. When you say no one loves you what does that mean to you?? What behaviors/actions can your family take that would prove to you that they love you?? Expressing love is different for everyone. The things that I would consider expressions of love in my family are not necessarily what your family would consider an expression of love. Look at what you want from your family and the simple answer is to talk to them about it. Finally the best thing I ever did for myself was to get myself a pet. Even if its just a goldfish animals have a way of giving us unconditional love. I know that sometimes it would be easier to give up, but who would take care of my dog "Polly" if I wasnt around. How would someone explain to Polly that I was not going to be around anymore. I go home and my dog is just so happy to see me. No matter how crappy of day that I am having I know that Polly will be there to cheer me up. Good luck!
  8. Once I started taking Lithium and Zoloft together it really helped to bring my rage episodes down.They helped my mood swings and kept me more clear thinking. I think *this* combination allowed the static in my brain clear out so that I could work on changing more of the congnitive symptoms of BPD. Its hard to say what helps and what doesnt because BPD usually conicides with another mental illness. I very rarely met anyone who has just Borderline personality disorder thats probably why there are no medications.
  9. Anybody can change anything about themselves. First its deciding if you really want to change, second finding the motivation to continue to change, and finally following through with change. Yes a behavior that seems ingrained will be more difficult, but not impossible. Self-injury is a symptom of mental illness, but its also just a behavior. Behaviors can change and if your tdoc doesnt believe you can, then its time to find somebody who believes in you. Good luck..
  10. Go round, and round till nobody knows

  11. I think Im in the minority but a lot of good things have come from having a MI. I think I am a lot more fortunate than many people who struggle with MI. First off I have become less materialistic. Before I got really sick I thought I had to have the nice car, name brand clothes and why shouldnt I. At my worst I was working 3 jobs and spending all the money anyway I might as well have nice things. However when I lost all 3 of those jobs and put into a state hospital for over a year I realized that materials would never bring me happiness. Most of my stuff got taken to pay off my creditors. I was in the hospital and realized I missed the simple things I couldnt have there. These include gum, shoelaces, a lock on my bedroom door. Before I had to have everything and then I had nothing. Some fellow patients were excited over the small material things I would never look twice out. Now I appreciate my own bedroom door lock, gum, having shoelaces, and being able to come and go as I please. Second it brought my family and I closer together. When I got sick many of my family members strayed away. We didnt talk about it as it didnt exsist. Thats how we operated all of my life. However when they realized that I was really, really sick and going to be away for awhile the walls started coming down. They finally started engaging in therapy sessions with me which they would never do before. We were able to talk about past hurts, resentments, and fears. I learned stuff about my family and they learned that my BP wasnt just me being sad. They were able to understand it was more than just pop some pills and I will be okay. My family now is in my corner which before all this I thought they didnt even like me sometimes. Lastly I realized that there a lot of other people out there just like me. Before I thought it was just "me" and that no one else in the world felt or thought like I did. I have met some amazing people in IRL and on CB and they make me realize that its not just me. If they continue to fight then I can too.
  12. Unfortunately for everyone there is no full "cure" for mental illness. However recovery/remisson whatever you want to call it will look different for everyone. Before I got really sick I actually was a psych tech on an inpatient ward for adults and sometimes I worked with the kids. So how about a slap in the face when I ended up on the same ward as a patient. My life before BP will never be exactly the same because I dont think for me that I could ever go back to that kind work. My new life will look different but it doesnt have to be bad I know I will be in recovery when I meet my goals consistently over a period of time. Those goals will change as I change. My first goal is go hospital admisson free for the next 3 months. I havent been hospital free for more than 2 months since 2007. Once I meet that goal then I can go on to the next goal and the next goal until what I achieve my own "recovery" My mom recenlty said that its okay to have setbacks, but the key is not to let it send you back. Something that happened today I year ago I may have ended up cutting about. Today I dealt with it differently. The setback was the same, but the reaction was different. Mental illness has its ups and downs. There will be good and bad as thats the nature of the beast. The key is not send you all the way back. Learn from them and move foward. Good luck!
  13. You deserve all of this and oh so much more!! Keep on fighting the good fight!!
  14. No ONE deserves death. Keep fighting and we will support you. You can and WILL survive this rough patch! I am keeping you in my thoughts!
  15. Well I fucking did it again. I let a guy lead me into thinking he was into me. I should have trusted my gut and walked away but I didnt. I let him use me and then toss me aside like a piece of trash. I didnt get anything I wanted to do. Thats because thats what I am. A piece of trash... Anyway I got home and just felt revolting. I felt so dirty and so disgusting. I took a very hot shower but nothing I did to try and scrub off the vile, wretched dirtiness I felt worked. So what did I do?? I cut myself on those places that he touched and I let him violate me on. Now I have fresh cuts all over my body. I am sitting here disgusted with myself. I did this to me. I deserved this because I thought thats what I wanted. Now I am sitting here alone and bleeding. All alone because thats what I deserve. I am nothing...
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